spanking help!

[ncat]

DH took the kids to see his parents - I am hundreds of miles away. DS is apparently being as much of a handful at grandma and Grandpa's house as he is at home. He has been out of control - destructive, crude, and a danger to himself - and the last few weeks have been exasperating.

DH mentioned to me over the phone that it was a good thing he had a belt and DD's hairbrush to spank DS with!!!???!!! I am not happy about this. I don't think this will have a good effect. I am worried that DH will or already has hit DS with said belt or brush. (I asked point blank and DH said - "I don't remember". I do not understand how it would be possible to not remember hitting your child. )

Maybe this should have been a bitch. Right now I'm more worried about how to keep DH under control than DS.

[doberbrat]

no words... just wanted to offer a hug :(

[DietCokeLover]

I am so sorry.

[ncat]

My post probably should have been a bitch, but I would appreciate any ideas for:

(1) dealing with a stubborn DH who does not want to listen or follow anybody else's rules (you would not believe the arguments we have had about car seats and back-sleeping!)

(2) dealing with a stubborn preschooler who does not want to listen or follow anybody else's rules.

I guess (2) may be a lower priority for me tonight because DS is DH's problem this week.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Dang, he's a little guy. I think it's dh and his parents that need to make some changes to make the situation better. I imagine he's pent up and has a lot of "nos" coming his way. Send them to the playground. And give him a good nap. Or, tell dh to come home with them.

[Snow mom]

We've been having terrible behavior problems with DD (12/08) and I do think it's a rough age. She's worst when hungry or tired so keeping on top of both of these things is a priority, although she believes naps are not for her so the tired comes up over and over.

Honestly, I'm not sure what I'd do about your DH. I think it's one thing to lose your cool and do something you regret, another to say it's a good thing I have a belt along. I could understand the first thing as I think most of us have been there. I might explode if DH said the later in anything but an obviously joking manner. Even then I'd tell him I didn't appreciate the nature of the joke. This is a subject I'd want to be certain I was on the same page with my spouse on. I also wouldn't be okay with the lack of honesty/ communication about what has or hasn't happened. That being said I'm not sure what you can do from a distance other than make it clear you are very opposed to spanking or any type of physical punishment and make constructive suggestions about DS's behavior. Could you ask them to come home?

I'm sorry you are going through this. I will say, while I'm opposed to spanking I was spanked as a child and remember being spanked as a child. I don't feel like it negatively affected me or my relationship with my parents. Whatever has happened I'm sure it is something you can get through.

[newg]

Geeze......I'd be flipping out too if DH talked about spanking DD and then "couldn't remember" if he did or not!

I'm just getting into Positive Parenting Solutions: which I am really liking because it's all about reinforcing the positive behaviors...... http://www.positiveparentingsolutions.com/ I watched a free webinar and I'm going to buy the books.........if that's not enough, then I'll break down and buy her online package, which is actual classes you can take for a year!

[ncat]

Thanks for the ideas. I can't request that they come home early - it is a long drive, and I have to leave soon for a business trip, which is why I did not go with them in the first place.

I told DH that this was something we needed to discuss, in person, and asked him to please not hit DS with anything. DH said that he needed to use the belt or brush because otherwise his hand will hurt. He did not seem to be joking. This is the first time this has come up; DD was a much easier child. DH is not generally a violent or angry guy. These spanking ideas may be his parent's influence.

I can believe that spanking may work for some children and families to get a child's attention when other methods don't work. I'm not sure if DS is one of those children, and I am really concerned about hitting anyone with an object, especially a little guy like DS.

[OKKiddo]

Wow! I'm really sorry. I'm torn on the spanking because we never want to do it and hate when we dissolve to it. We're the adults and should be in control of the situation and our actions. It's really hard to remember that when our own upbringings and experiences come back into play at all the wrong moments. But I do vividly remember all of the items that my parents used to spank me with: hair brushes, spatulas, belts, cutting boards, paddles, switches, a rubber water hose, and finally when I was told I was too stubborn to use anything little: three different switches taped together with electrical tape.

Each and every one of those left a physical and emotional mark on me and we go months at a time remembering that ourselves and not spanking our children. Then life gets turned upside down and their schedules go out the window and surprise! They get out of hand and we lose control of ourselves too. What happened to me was considered abuse back then and even more so now. Even a belt or a hairbrush can leave a mark, bruise, or welt behind that can last for days....even when the person wielding it didn't think they'd hit very hard (my parents on me because I've NEVER used anything but a hand on my children and I sincerely regret those instances and cry with them).

Depending on the state that he's in, if there's a mark left after the spanking it could be considered abuse. I'm really proud of how you asked him to not do it and to wait until you can both discuss it together. Right now, I don't think there's much else you can do but send him classical music to calm him and your son down until he can think of a better plan (calms my kiddos down much quicker when tantrums abound). Your poor kiddo is definitely a victim of the age as well as an upset to his routine. Does your husband have a baby carrier he could put your son in and wear him around for some chill out time? Sometimes just reconnecting can make my children calmer and better able to listen (the one on one time is great--now when I have all 3 going crazy at one time is when I'm ready to run screaming from my own house, lol).

I hope your business trip goes well and your husband listens to not just what you told him not to do, but also to the emotion behind why you wouldn't want him to (I'm sure he's got a little Jimmy Crickett saying something to him quietly too). :)

[AngB]

DH said that he needed to use the belt or brush because otherwise his hand will hurt. He did not seem to be joking

This is a deal breaker for me. It's one thing for them to get a swat on the butt in the heat of the moment when a kid tries to dart off in a parking lot, for example. But the deliberate forethought your dh is putting into this is too much, for me, personally. (And my DH is well aware of my feelings on this and that it's whereI draw my line.)

This is where I would tell DH if he hits our kid with a brush or belt again, he should also start looking for a divorce attorney because not only would I divorce him, I would do my best to get full custody. I didn't spend 9 months injecting myself in the stomach 2x a day to get DS here safely, for DH to go and beat him when he is struggling to control him.

[twotimesblue]

Wow, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I was spanked as a child, with both hands and objects, and let me tell you - I have NEVER forgotten any of those incidents, and I still have a very fractious relationship with my father as a result of this abuse (it is abuse in my opinion - if we saw someone hitting a defenseless dog with a belt/hairbrush/even their hand we would be incensed - why is it OK to do it to kids?).

DH was also 'spanked' by his stepfather and they are no longer on speaking terms... he would go so far as to say he hates him now. DH is as anti-corporal punishment as I am as he has first-hand knowledge of the damage that it does.

If your DS is already exhibiting violent behavior, how does his father assaulting him show him that this is wrong? If my DH ever hit my DS - especially in a premeditated fashion (saying he was 'glad he had his belt' etc) I would have a hard time dealing with it. Most likely, given my personal experience with being hit as a child, I would remove my son from that situation. It rips my heart out to see DS in pain and if my husband were the one inflicting that pain, I would have to protect my son above all else. Leaving DH would be a dramatic step but hitting, especially in the manner you describe, is a deal-breaker for me.

I hope you are able to resolve this and that you can make your DH understand just how damaging his behavior is. I know people get very defensive of smacking (when they practice it themselves) but the truth is they can never predict how it will affect their kids in the long run. My close friend is a psychiatrist and she attributes a huge percentage of her patients' issues to how their parents punished them as children. I agree with the PP who suggested looking into 'Positive Parenting' classes and articles online... some of the methods seem so simple but are very effective at modifying behaviors.

:grouphug: as you deal with this awful situation

[HannaAddict]

I would explode. The belt is not okay and I would be incensed. If he was not joking about hurting his hand, we would have major problems. I can't imagine finding this out after marriage and kids and being hours away. It really would be a major deal. Hope he listens to you, and in my state and county, a belt on a child could easily get you charged with assault and I'm glad about that.

[California]

From what you are describing, it sounds like your DH needs a safe place to put your DS while your DH takes a calm down time. Which is tough because he's out of town. Would it be possible for him to create a safe and child friendly space (such as a bedroom) to put your son in for five minutes? Maybe offer to your DH that he can call you at any point while he's got your DS in a "safe room" and just vent away for a few minutes.

Is your DS a handful at home? What does he respond to? What are his triggers? My DC act up if, as PPs have said, they are hungry or tired. Could you send off a quick care package with snacks, a couple of activities and some calming music? Even watching the same favorite video five times in one day is preferable to the meltdowns your guys are experiencing.

Wanted to add: Thinking about this, I would be livid too-- but that probably won't get you anywhere. If your DH is open to reason, how about an approach of, "So you've been spanking him... and his behavior hasn't changed. Ready to try something else?"

[Dream]

Since you're far away from him there's not much you can do. Maybe you can briefly say spanking is not ok with you and that you'll discuss with him when they return, and for now tell him how to cope with it.

I don't see spanking as a very bad thing, but that depends on the intension. I was spanked by my mother, usually by the hand or a Cain. Same from teachers in the school. I don't hate either of them as I know their intentions were basically to make me a better person. I can't even count the number of things i've avoided coz i was scared of getting spanked, so it did work for some kids.

[Tondi G]

I agree with the previous poster who suggested you present it to your husband by saying "so you've been spanking him and using objects to hit him because you are so angry you are striking our son so hard that it hurts your hand. It isn't working if you are moving to belts and hair brushes and his behavior is still out of control. If you are trying to teach our son to be kind and not hit but you are physically lashing out at him, what is he learning from your actions?

Then I would get very serious with your husband and tell him you don't agree with punishing your children physically and he needs to get control of himself and stop.

I would not stand by and allow my husband to physically hurt my children because he was unhappy with their behavior. I can fully understand swatting a child as a reaction in a moment (ie a child running from you in a parking lot etc.) but talking about being happy you brought a belt along so you can beat your child since it hurts too much to do it with your own hand might just be a deal breaker for my marriage. I would do everything in my power to protect my children. Honestly if I were in your situation I might be calling off my trip and making the drive to go pick up my children.... as your DH seems overwhelmed and not fit to parent your DS effectively right now.

[cntrymoon2]

I am so, so sorry, OP. I agree with PPs who said this would be grounds for divorce, and that I would be removing my kids from my husband's care for the moment. What your DH is describing is NOT discipline- it is child abuse.
Even if you're not anti-spanking, you have to realize that there is a big difference between a disciplinary spank and beating a child repeatedly until your hand hurts? I'm so sorry for the position you're in.

[fedoragirl]

I am going to be a voice of dissent about the divorce option. I don't think you need to go down that path unless things are bad in your marriage. Everyone has different parenting styles. Our generation of parents is trying very hard to be different from what their parents did or taught. We have literature, research, internet community boards, and so much information out there that can help us be better parents. So, this idea of not spanking is very good in theory but it's hard to overcome when your own childhood has been peppered with it and you resort to it when you're exhausted. Is that all right? No! But everyone has their moments.
However, as a PP wrote, in the heat of the moment, things happen and you can lose control. If your DH sees that spanking is an option then he will resort to it. Maybe you could suggest practical solutions rather than lecturing him about the evils of spanking. I am guessing he already knows of those if he was spanked as a child.
Put DS in another room and leave. Maybe even, lock him in if it will prevent DS from coming out and re-engaging. Breathe deeply before reacting. And the one I got here, say a comment like "look at that" which helps to regroup thoughts and not reflexively react (which is my problem).
Hope he's able to avoid using the physical objects because they leave a bigger emotional mark than a hand. I was spanked with everything under the sun and surprisingly, the hand spanking didn't bother me as much as the canes, belts, etc.

[maestramommy]

I told DH that this was something we needed to discuss, in person, and asked him to please not hit DS with anything. DH said that he needed to use the belt or brush because otherwise his hand will hurt. He did not seem to be joking.
I can believe that spanking may work for some children and families to get a child's attention when other methods don't work. I'm not sure if DS is one of those children, and I am really concerned about hitting anyone with an object, especially a little guy like DS.

I was spanked severely as a child with all sorts of objects. While I have very occasionally spanked my own kids, I always use my hands because otherwise "you" really have no idea how hard you are hitting a child, and that is dangerous, imo. Esp. when you are spanking in anger. Spanking SHOULD hurt the parent, they should always be aware of how hard they are hitting, if they are even considering that route.

[JBaxter]

This is a deal breaker for me. It's one thing for them to get a swat on the butt in the heat of the moment when a kid tries to dart off in a parking lot, for example. But the deliberate forethought your dh is putting into this is too much, for me, personally. (And my DH is well aware of my feelings on this and that it's whereI draw my line.)

This is where I would tell DH if he hits our kid with a brush or belt again, he should also start looking for a divorce attorney because not only would I divorce him, I would do my best to get full custody. I didn't spend 9 months injecting myself in the stomach 2x a day to get DS here safely, for DH to go and beat him when he is struggling to control him.

From one or VIVIDLY remembers being hit with a belt its a deal breaker with me. I do spank on occasion open handed but I would TAKE DOWN anyone who hit my child with an object.

[Ceepa]

Could dh have been really laying it on thick over the phone to hurt you because he was frustrated and was in a sense punishing you for not being there to help? Either way dh's actions were unacceptable, but to me it seems like the amount of detail he was offering and the coldness in his voice sounds like he was also trying to punish you long distance, OP. Does he try to go after your vulnerabilities when really angry?

As pp said, use timeouts with ds (or DH!) so everyone can be safely separated in the heat of it until a new approach can be adopted.

[amldaley]

OP, we went through a horrible stage here at the same age and we are just noe emerging from it. I understand how shocking it can be to deal with a holy terror child whose behavior is just flat out unacceptable and shows no regard for your authority.

That said, your DH may not be able to remember if he was in a blind rage. If he got so angry, he just started spanking. And that is dangerous. B/c he may easily go beyond spanking next time. Ask yourself, "Does my DH have a short fuse?" If so, he can not be the one administering the spankings. He just can't. This has "recipe for disaster" written all over it.

You have to figure out what approach works for your DH. Would the legal aspects work? Look up spanking laws in your state. B/c most no longer allow hitting with an object. And most have rules about how long a mark from spanking can remain on a child (the range from 10 minutes to an hour). I am sure a belt or a brush leave a mark that lasts more than an houur.

Perhaps calling your insurance company and finding out if they cover counseling? B/c it sounds like your son may need some extra guidance with behavior and they would give you pointers on discipline, too.

Whatever way you find, you have to find SOME WAY. B/c what your husband is doing is not discipline, it is abuse. It will NOT improve your sons behavior. It only stops the immediate behavior and provides your DH a sense of power and control. Neither are effective in the long run.

I wish I had more advice on how to deal with your DH but not knowing more about him, I don't know what approach would work.

Please keep us posted and best of luck to you.

ETA: I agree with pp that sleep and regular snacks and meals and limiting sugar is key to working to control your LO but part of it is this age, too. And it is unlikely that he will be better at others homes b/c he is out of routine. They desperately need routine. Can you talk to his parents about assisting?

[melissaflorida]

This is a deal breaker for me. This is where I would tell DH if he hits our kid with a brush or belt again, he should also start looking for a divorce attorney because not only would I divorce him, I would do my best to get full custody. I didn't spend 9 months injecting myself in the stomach 2x a day to get DS here safely, for DH to go and beat him when he is struggling to control him.

Ditto above! I would be jumping through the phone at my husband.

[wellyes]

He wants to hit your child so hard that it would cause his hand pain. HELL NO. This would not be a fight with my DH, this would be instant ultimatum territory: don't even think about it or you are risking our marriage and your access to your own children.


Could dh have been really laying it on thick over the phone to hurt you because he was frustrated and was in a sense punishing you for not being there to help? Either way dh's actions were unacceptable, but to me it seems like the amount of detail he was offering and the coldness in his voice sounds like he was also trying to punish you long distance, OP. Does he try to go after your vulnerabilities when really angry?

As pp said, use timeouts with ds (or DH!) so everyone can be safely separated in the heat of it until a new approach can be adopted.
I did wonder, reading the "I don't remember" part, if he's just messing with you. Which is just as awful.

I'm so sorry OP..

[infomama]

I am so sorry. No way would that fly with me. I would be in the car..

[flashy09]

I wonder if he called in a moment of frustration and was just venting some anger. It sounds a little out of character for a normally non abusive man to suddenly say he needs a belt or brush so his hand doesn't hurt. It comes off to me that he was just completely over his DS and had a weak moment.

If not, then I would get your DS away from husband and put your husband in anger management and get some family counseling to figure out a way to get your son's behavior under control.

[hillview]

I am so sorry. No way would that fly with me. I would be in the car..

so sorry but I have to agree with info mama. DH will occasionally swat a child on the tush in the heat of the moment or something like that but we agree that we don't hit or spank as a consequence. If DH thought that was ok and was looking for weapons that just would not work for me. 4 year old can be a tough age. DS2 just turned 5 and it has gotten a lot better.

Do you think your inlaws are encouraging him?

HUGS.

[bisous]

Oh gosh. See, I'm not unilaterally against spanking (although my DH is) but the thought of a hairbrush or a belt hitting a child is just so, so distasteful to me. I cannot imagine ever doing that or what I would do if my child were at the other end of that kind of discipline! I know that generations ago that was more accepted and tolerated and I try to reconcile myself to the idea that many of the adults who endured such punishments are "fine" (MIL and my Dad come to mind) so I'm hoping that this is just a unique and unusual circumstance for your DH.

I don't know your circumstance, work schedule may be hectic but I cannot imagine much that would take precedence over cancelling my plans and driving out there to my family to get to the bottom of (and stop) that situation.

I'm so sorry, OP!

[newg]

a swat on the tush for running out in traffic.....I'd accept that, but still wouldn't like it.....but I could see myself doing that to DD1.
Using a tool to inflict pain.......thinking about it ahead of time.........not cool in my book at all.
Would you be okay if your DH used those same tools on you if you made him angry?

If DH did more than swat a behind for running out in front of a car, I'd jump in my own car with the girls and go.......probably not permantly, but long enough for DH to get some help and realize how serious I AM about not hitting/spanking (especially with a tool).

You are definately in a tough spot right now with having to leave for a business trip.....I think all the tools PP mentioned sound great for helping DH deal with your DS till you can get back.

[megs4413]

I think you need to remove your children from their father's care until he understands and respects reasonable limits. And to be totally honest, I think your Dh is probably part of the reason your son acts the way he does...your DH is stubborn and disrespectful and out of control, so your son is as well. He's just giving back what is modeled to him. I'd get out in a hurry.

[Snow mom]

I think you need to remove your children from their father's care until he understands and respects reasonable limits. And to be totally honest, I think your Dh is probably part of the reason your son acts the way he does...your DH is stubborn and disrespectful and out of control, so your son is as well. He's just giving back what is modeled to him. I'd get out in a hurry.

I think this is over the line. My DD is a month younger than OPs DS. She was a really sweet kid until the last 3 months or so. She's become a huge, disrespectful monster since then. She doesn't listen, she sasses, she hits and kicks, she throws things when she doesn't get her way. All this is worst when she is tired or hungry. It's honestly nothing that has been modeled or promoted in our home. We're trying to live through it as well as make clear and consistent boundaries and consequences to hopefully get out of the phase as quickly and unscathed as possible. But I think it's a common (and difficult to deal with) phase. While I think there is a problem going on with OPs DH, that doesn't make her DS's behavior a failure in her or her DH's parenting.

[123LuckyMom]

If your DH is serious and is using objects to hit your child because he is hitting so hard or so long that it hurts his own hand, then what your DH is doing is very dangerous. He cannot gauge with an object how hard he is hitting. I don't wish to be judgmental or alarmist, but if I am to be honest, I would consider this abusive. If your DH hit you with a hairbrush or a belt... Right?

There is little you can do while your family is away. If I were you, I would make an appointment right now for family therapy. I really mean immediately! Make it for a time when your DH can attend, and when he comes home, tell him you made the appointment because DS is clearly out of control, and you're concerned that the discipline techniques you and DH are using are ineffective. Tell him you need DH to go to the session so that the two of you can learn the same techniques and be a team in raising your son. I would not scream at DH or even scold him. I would not say anything that would be likely to put him on the defensive. Your goal is to get your family help, not to correct DH. Let the expert do that. If DH refuses to attend the session, you just keep insisting. You tell him you need his help, you cannot fix the problem on your own, and you are not taking no for an answer. Get DH into that session and when you talk in the session about why you are there, tell the expert what you told us.

Please do this. I was abused as a child, and I can tell you that those scars do not ever go away. Even if you never hit your child, your DS will almost certainly come to blame you for not having protected him. This is really important. Also, from your description it's clear that you could use some help in managing DS. We all could use some help. Even if DH is not being abusive, some professional help can't hurt, right?

To find someone to work with, you could call Early Intervention, the Department of Family Services, your pediatrician, anywhere that would know of experts who work with families undergoing difficulties. What you are looking for is an expert, preferably a therapist, who will work with you and DH so that you can learn effective techniques for disciplining your difficult-to-parent DS and working together as a team. Tell them the need is immediate and that you want to work with someone privately, not in a group. I sincerely hope you will find some help so all of you can get some relief from the stress you are under!

[BabyBearsMom]

Wow. He actually said it hurt his hand too much to do it so he needed to use an object? Have you guys talked about your stance on spanking in the past? My DH is less opposed to spanking than I am, but I have made it very clear that I think spanking is unacceptable and will not tolerate it. In your situation, I would tell your DH that what he is telling you is unacceptable and you are extremely upset with him. You understand that dealing with a rambunctious child is trying but there are other ways to handle the situation (and give examples). I would also say that this is something that needs to be discussed further at home and that you expect that he will not spank your DS for the rest of the trip. I don't know about pulling the divorce card like other posters have said. But I would reiterate how important this is to you. For my DH, I had to show him studies that showed that spanking does not improve behavior.

[twotimesblue]

Please do this. I was abused as a child, and I can tell you that those scars do not ever go away. Even if you never hit your child, your DS will almost certainly come to blame you for not having protected him.


This is so, so true. I love my mom to pieces but it took me many years to 'forgive' her for allowing my father to assault her kids in the way he did. I still struggle with it now - especially since becoming a mother myself, and knowing that protecting my son is the most primal instinct I have.

I seriously think you need to remove your son from this situation ASAP - if your DH is descending into such a 'red mist' that he can't even remember if he beat your child, then who knows what will happen the next time he loses his temper? I don't wish to sound alarmist but when a parent isn't in control of their emotions, horrible things can happen. Your son - no matter how testing his behavior is right now - does NOT deserve this.... I would pull out of the business trip and bring my kids home. Urgent family therapy would be my second priority.

[strollerqueen]

I've never been hit with an object, so maybe I don't understand the dynamics of it, but, aren't you risking putting your child in the hospital? My hairbrush is hard, and if an angry man used it to hit a child, I could easily seeing it breaking a bone. And if he is using a belt, what if the child turns, and gets whipped in the eye, or genitals? Belt buckles can be very hard, too. Leaving aside the emotional damage, it just seems so dangerous physically. P.S. Just wanted to add that I'm so sorry, and to give you a {{{virtual hug}}}.

[pinkmomagain]

I seriously think you need to remove your son from this situation ASAP - if your DH is descending into such a 'red mist' that he can't even remember if he beat your child, then who knows what will happen the next time he loses his temper? I don't wish to sound alarmist but when a parent isn't in control of their emotions, horrible things can happen. Your son - no matter how testing his behavior is right now - does NOT deserve this.... I would pull out of the business trip and bring my kids home. Urgent family therapy would be my second priority.

I agree. I know I personally could not go on a business trip with this knowledge...and I would be trying to physically intervene ASAP.

I also think that 123Luckymom's advice about how to approach your DH about counseling is spot on.

[ncat]

I clearly have a lot to think about. I think getting out of the business trip would equate to quitting my job. I really need to go. DH's behavior came out of no where and I think he may be intentionally trying to upset me. He seems upset that I am going, though he encouraged me to go when the opportunity first came up. I am really distracted, when I need to be preparing for my trip.

I was spanked as a child, but always by a calm parent with a bare hand as an expected result of bad behavior. I don't think I have any emotional scars, but I also don't think it was particularly effective. DH has never talked about being spanked, and we've been together for 20 years. We were able to manage DD's behavior effectively with timeouts and it never came up.

[flashy09]

Can you call your DH tonight when he is not in the heat of the moment and ask him if he was truly serious? I think it's important that you know whether he is feeling vengeful about being left alone with a handful son and just venting on the phone about what he would *like* to do, but wouldn't really, or if he is truly is hitting your son with a belt.

[Momit]

Hugs to you, OP. I think there have been a record number of threads lately started by parents of '08 babies who are at wits' end. It's a tough, tough age. I really liked the "Your Three Year Old" book that's often recommended here. It talks about periods of harmony and disharmony, some of the whys behind their seemingly crazy behavior, etc. It might be a good read for you and your DH.

When I read your posts I also had the thought that maybe your DH is just messing with you. He couldn't really think he needs an object so he doesn't hurt his hand. He couldn't beat his child and not remember.

Still, if it were my kid's safety I would not chance it. I'd cancel the business trip, even if it cost me my job, and go get my child. And not leave DH alone with him again until we'd had family counseling or I found out for sure he was making up the whole thing (which would probably result in going to a different type of counseling)!

[magnoliaparadise]

Hi,
I haven't read many other posts, but I am sending you a hug. My thoughts are:
- can you get a babysitter in the area? or a short camp to put your DS? DS is probably bored and out of sorts. A babysitter, like a teen who can hang out with him and just play, would be worth the money.
- my DD's triggers (she's 4) are lack of sleep, lack of food/water, and boredom. In your in law's house, can you encourage DH to get DS more sleep somehow?
- If this is a huge issue for you, as others have said, and a deal breaker, tell DH directly that you won't stand for it.
- Can you talk to DH's father or mother to try to get them on their views.
It's all difficult. I have been traveling with my DD for 8.5 weeks (at my parents) and 2 weeks before that overseas (2 different houses) and I told a friend that I had no idea traveling would be so hard for me with two kids! I have been giving my DD lots of stuff to do (camp, babysitter) and lied down to sleep with her for naps (which she never does during the school year) and that has helped a lot.

[MamaMolly]

OP I think you really need to determine if DH was kidding or not. If he was, then you need to have a very frank discussion about it. Tell him you couldn't tell if he was serious or not, and agree to some boundaries when discussing things like this on the phone.

If he wasn't kidding you need to protect your child immediately. I have no problem with the occasional butt swatting but draw the line at comments like what your DH said he was going to do/did do.