Class placement w/ bully - WWYD? (update in 22)

[ahisma]

DS1 is heading into K at the same public school he did pre-K last year. DS is physically passive, a bit of a nerd (love that about him!), small, etc. Best summed up by saying that he's quirky. At 5 1/2, he has a calendar w/ dates for NASA press conferences and watches them all. We live in an area where physical prowess rules - you can see where this is going.

Last year he was targeted by a bully. The kid bullied a lot of kids in his class, but narrowed in on DS and his equally awkward friend. Specifically, he pushed DS down on the playground and 3 boys took turns kicking him. After that, nothing physical happened, but he went out of his way to try to intimidate DS. We did what we could - enrolled him in karate to give him the confidence to stand up to him verbally, worked to foster close relationships with other kids...and DD (13 yo) found a ton of friends to tell him about their experiences being bullied (Go, DD!)

At the end of the year the kids filled out a sheet about the year; one of the questions asked what the hardest thing was. DS listed this kid. In conferences, when the teacher gave us this sheet, she told us that the school worked to give kids with known aggressors a break in the next year. We were very grateful, and VERY relieved.

Today we got the class list. He's in the class with this kid. CRUD.

AND, we were at a birthday party today, where this kid was also. The moment we walked in the door he came up to DS and told him that he wasn't welcome there. Seriously? It's STILL going on. There is no end in sight. He had a birthday party this summer and invited everyone but DS and DS's friend (also targeted) - probably for the best.

DS says, "It makes me really sad and scared, but I can do it, I can be brave."

WWYD? Let it go? Meet with the principal? I hate being "that parent", but I also hate that my kid can't even have a year to get his legs under him before facing this kid again. I know that we can't avoid him forever, but I really, really trusted that we'd have one year for him to grow his confidence.

[SnuggleBuggles]

If you told them that kid was an issue and they told you they would do something to keep them apart then, yeah, I'd be that parent. My school is really good at listening to those concerns and taking them seriously. It could be a liability to the school too to ignore physical bullying by keeping them together (you don't need to play that card and I probably wouldn;t unless I got really desperate).

[KpbS]

You gotta be that parent. Go to the admin and let them know the history. Email last years teacher for her support, ie ask her to speak to the admin about this problem kid and the history there. Your DS does NOT deserve this class placement.

Of course, he'll likely still have to deal with him at drop-off/pick-up and on the playground but at least not in the classroom, hopefully!

[Nicsmom]

I would not let it go. I would meet with the principal or with anyone who will listen. I also hate being "that parent" but I agree with you that your child needs a break from this kid to build his confidence. Plus it's kindergarten, the kids are supposed to feel nurtured at that age, not attacked. I'm surprised that the school is not doing anything to stop this kid and they are putting him in the same classroom with your child.

[buddyleebaby]

This is one of those times when it is your job to be "that" parent.
I would write what you wrote here in an e-mail to the principal and respectfully request a change in class.

[JustMe]

I hate being that parent, but I have learned that sometimes you've got to embrace that role is that is how advocating reasonably and calmly for things your dcs deserve is seen.

[edurnemk]

I agree with all PP's.

I cannot believe preK kids would do something like kicking another kid who's laying on the floor. I thought that kind of maliciousness would show up in much older kids. DS is in preK.

[ahisma]

Thanks, everyone. Knowing that I'm not over-reacting helps. I wouldn't consider myself to be a helicopter parent by any means, but we are AP parents and pretty hands on. Sometimes I worry that I'm being over-protective. I guess that's not the case here.

This is going to be an uphill battle. I don't even know where to start.

[twotimesblue]

Your poor DS :hug5: You have every right to be 'that' parent, just as he has every right to not feel scared and intimidated every time he walks into a classroom. The fact that this bully even singled your DS out at a party to tell him he was 'not welcome' proves that he is vindictive and will make life difficult for your little man. Hope you manage to get it resolved - nerdy boys are awesome and the world needs more sensitive men!

[DietCokeLover]

Oh, I just want to cry for what your DS said to you about being with this boy.

At 5 years old, he should not have to be thinking that way. This should be a fun, exciting time for him, yet he is having to figure out ways to be brave and face this bully daily.

I would be that principals shadow until one of these kids were moved out of that class. He or she wouldn't eat, sleep or breathe without me being right there til I got what I needed for my child.

Good luck!

[California]

Don't think of it as being "that parent." Think of it as saving your family, the teacher and the principal a year of frustration.

For my kids' school, which if course may follow different original than yours, the parents who get results are the ones who don't tske no for an answer. Start by both emailing and hand delivering a letter to the principal and cc it teacher explaining that this is not acceptable and why, and put a deadline on it- you want a mtg or change of classes within three days ( or whatever you are OK with) or you'll be contacting the school district. It's better to be firm to get this resolved in the first two weeks of school. If the principal tries to make excuses stay firm- your kid has a right to a safe school environment.

Sorry for odd errors-typing on phone.

[cuca_]

You definitely need to be that parent. I would not handle this in an email. I would request an emergency meeting with the Principal and the school psychologist and politely demand that my child be placed in another class.

[MontrealMum]

This is one of those times when it is your job to be "that" parent.
I would write what you wrote here in an e-mail to the principal and respectfully request a change in class.

:yeahthat:

[SkyrMommy]

Thanks, everyone. Knowing that I'm not over-reacting helps. I wouldn't consider myself to be a helicopter parent by any means, but we are AP parents and pretty hands on. Sometimes I worry that I'm being over-protective. I guess that's not the case here.

This is going to be an uphill battle. I don't even know where to start.

You are not being over protective, I think the school needs to address the issue with the bully and help protect your son. Your DS sounds amazing, but he shouldn't have to say "... but I can do it, I can be brave."

If you are on good terms with his teacher from last year, start with an email to her asking for suggestions on how to handle/who to speak with, and then maybe the guidance counselor if your elementary school has one.

[Tondi G]

I agree with everyone here. Go to the Principal now and explain exactly what you did here. There is no reason for your son to have to endure daily treatment from this kid.

When you were at the party and that child said that to your son what did you say? Did you talk to the bully kid? Did you tell him what he was saying was no kind and that he should apologize to your son because he was indeed invited to the party by the birthday child? I would have. I might have also attempted to reach out this boys parents (were they at the birthday party with him?). Do they know their son is a bully? Are they doing anything to try to teach their child that his behavior is not ok? I would be so sad to learn that my DS was bullying another child (or more) but I would want to know and I would do everything in my power to help teach him how to behave.

I am so sorry your DS is going through this. Good Luck speaking with the principal. This is a very good reason for asking to have your child moved to another class.

[brgnmom]

I would not let it go. I would meet with the principal or with anyone who will listen. I also hate being "that parent" but I agree with you that your child needs a break from this kid to build his confidence. Plus it's kindergarten, the kids are supposed to feel nurtured at that age, not attacked. I'm surprised that the school is not doing anything to stop this kid and they are putting him in the same classroom with your child.

:yeahthat:

[TwinFoxes]

This is one of those times when it is your job to be "that" parent.
I would write what you wrote here in an e-mail to the principal and respectfully request a change in class.

:yeahthat: I think when your kid is getting kicked by three other kids it's ok to be "that parent".

Any reason you think it will be an uphill battle? It may have been an oversight on their part and easily fixed (I hope!)

[mytwosons]

You need to be that parent before school starts.

Your son was assaulted. In your shoes, the school would need to tell me what steps they have in place to ensure that never happens again.

[Momit]

Hugs to you and your DS, OP. I hope it was a mistake that can be fixed before school starts and that you don't have a huge battle on your hands.

How on earth could the school tolerate a gang of pre-k kids assaulting another child? I shudder to think what that bully will be like in middle and high school unless he gets help now.

[liz]

I agree with PP, I would go to the school and raise your concerns right away. I imagine it would be easier to change classes this early in the school year. I don't think you are being helicopter parents in this situation, I think you are raising legitimate concerns about this other child. I am pretty laid back as a parent, but this situation would have me talking with the principle ASAP. Good luck and keep us updated.

[Pennylane]

This is one of those times when it is your job to be "that" parent.
I would write what you wrote here in an e-mail to the principal and respectfully request a change in class.

Agreed! He sounds like an awesome kid and deserves a break.

Good luck and keep us updated.

Ann

[ahisma]

We're still working on getting a meeting. The principal is being really responsive via email but scheduling is doing us in. Right now it's not looking like we will be able to meet before meet the teacher night on Wednesday. Obviously, we'd like to meet before then - after that point it's clearly a done deal.

I'm so, so tempted to homeschool him for a year...but he LOVES school and I'd be throwing away my career - 1 year out of law school with $$$ loan debt. I have great consulting clients and would have to walk away. Crud.

Charters are out, private is out.

[KpbS]

We're still working on getting a meeting. The principal is being really responsive via email but scheduling is doing us in. Right now it's not looking like we will be able to meet before meet the teacher night on Wednesday. Obviously, we'd like to meet before then - after that point it's clearly a done deal.

I'm so, so tempted to homeschool him for a year...but he LOVES school and I'd be throwing away my career - 1 year out of law school with $$$ loan debt. I have great consulting clients and would have to walk away. Crud.

Charters are out, private is out.

Can you just skip meet the teacher night? We had to as we were out of town this year. Just a thought.

[California]

Why would it be a done deal? Is this a private school? At public schools (at least in the districts in my area) it's not at all unusual for there to be changes during the first two weeks.

[Tondi G]

have you laid it all out over e-mail to the principal? If you can't schedule a face to face meeting then discuss it over e-mail and see what can be done before meet the teacher night. It's not all set in stone ... they can make changes.

[JustMe]

We're still working on getting a meeting. The principal is being really responsive via email but scheduling is doing us in. Right now it's not looking like we will be able to meet before meet the teacher night on Wednesday. Obviously, we'd like to meet before then - after that point it's clearly a done deal.

I'm so, so tempted to homeschool him for a year...but he LOVES school and I'd be throwing away my career - 1 year out of law school with $$$ loan debt. I have great consulting clients and would have to walk away. Crud.

Charters are out, private is out.

I may have missed something along the way, but I think it would be fine to try to state your case in an e-mail. I would briefly state your concerns , and ask that he be moved. Let the principal know you wouldn't do this lightly, but feel strongly that this is important.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

just getting to this thread..wow, i'm so sad for your DS. your son sounds a lot like mine would be at that age (quirky, nerdy and not the type to fight back if others attack him). I am so sorry. i do not think you are being overprotective at all, i would be at that principal's door so fast.

i agree with TondiG..if you can't get a meeting scheduled i would explain everything over email...and i agree, i'm sure the assignments are not set in stone even in the first week.

[HannaAddict]

Phone conference is much easier than back and forth email and easier to schedule than in person. Good luck.

[okinawama]

I am so sorry! Keep calling and emailing. Staying in that classroom would not be an option for my son and I'd be letting everyone know! Can you get last years teacher invOlved?

[maestramommy]

Don't give up. email the principal again, maybe the new teacher and old teacher. Reference that question from the previous year, and what the teacher said about giving kids a break the following year.

You don't mention whether you contacted the school about the bully's behavior last year. If all else fails, I would start documenting every incident if/when it starts and keep on hounding the school.

Don't think about homeschool yet. It's the school's responsibility to deal with this kid and keep other kids in their care safe.

[TwinFoxes]

Echoing PPs. If an in person meeting won't work I'd lay it all out in an concise email, and follow up with phone calls... LOTS of phone calls. The squeaky wheel gets the grease. If it weren't solved by Wednesday that wouldn't stop me, don't adhere to an arbitrary deadline. Good luck!

[minnie-zb]

OP, your posts aren't giving me the warm fuzzies. Our youngest was bullied/stalked by a classmate last year and we requested different class room assignments this year, but now I'm worried we will find ourselves in the same boat. We won't find out who is in the classes until Thursday of this week.

I think of ours as more of a stalker as he was fixated on our daughter and there were several instances of him pushing and kicking her. If she didn't pay attention to him he became abusive -- and believe me, by December she wanted nothing to do with him. Which didn't help the situation. He didn't mess with the other kids, just her.

Good luck and like the previous posters, don't think it is a done deal. When our letters from the school arrive they always clearly state that changes can and will be made up until school starts.

[Corie]

Definitely call the school!!

I told my daughter's school that under no circumstances was XYZ
to be in my daughter's class this year. And she's not, thank goodness!
But if XYZ was in class with my daughter, I would have been on the
phone immediately. (Actually, I would have had my husband call
because he is more diplomatic than I am!)

[squimp]

Why would it be a done deal? Is this a private school? At public schools (at least in the districts in my area) it's not at all unusual for there to be changes during the first two weeks.

Yep I agree. I really hope you can get this worked out. I would also share what the boy said at the birthday party. The pre-K bullying is really awful, and really outside what I have seen. Our school has a no-tolerance policy for bullying, and I would ask to see theirs if they had one. I agree that now is the time to be "that mom". And being a lawyer should probably help here.

[MamaKath]

I agree with the pp that are encouraging the use of email and phone conversations to lay out the concerns. I also think that they would be willing to move your son even after Thursday rather than risk not doing it if they find your concerns valid. I would enlist the PK teacher NOW and have her write something to document the events of the previous year if you haven't already and move forward with the intentions of them not being together.

Lastly I encourage you to hang in there. You are doing things that are good for you and your family by going to school. For right now it sounds like sending ds to public is the realistic option. It doesn't sound like there is only one class, nor does it sound like you have exhausted all your options in getting him an appropriate placement. Homeschooling is a huge endeavor, especially when it means taking on major career changes for you (this is coming from someone in that boat). It doesn't sound like you are at that point yet though, so hang in there! :hug: