Help me be get past birth not going as planned

[ExcitedMamma]

First and foremost I have a beautiful healthy baby girl and it went really well for the most part but there is a but. I know from DS it took me awhile to come to terms with things not going as planned so I want to figure out why it didn't this time so I can get past it.

With DS I wanted a natural birth but found transition too overwhelming and ask for the epidural when I was about 8 cm and in labor only about nine hours. From there it was three hrs of pushing and I needed oxygen. Baby showed deceleration and I had a very unwanted episiotomy and a long recovery.

This time labor was very different and though intense I had lots more down time and rest in between the contractions. I was in labor for 48 hrs before going to the hospital. I was 5 cm at 10 pm on 9/11. By 9 am I was about 8 cm but baby still had not dropped from -2 station. The dr and nurses were great and so impressed with how I was handling labor and many commented that I didn't look like I was in labor. They kept coming up to my husband and telling him how impressed they were. The OB recommended breaking my water which I was really anxious about bc I was afraid of making the contractions worse but she said it would just bring the baby down.

I was still doing great until an hour later when I felt intense pressure and pain and was unable to stand anymore. I collapsed on the bed on my side and grabbed onto DH for dear life. According to DH that's how I delivered ten min later. I couldn't speak or move it hurt too much. They moved my legs into position for me and gave me oxygen. I screamed so much!!

So I'm really disappointed in myself for completely losing focus like that. I couldn't move into better pushing position or really control pushing. This baby like my first was big 9 lbs + does that have to do with the losing focus when they hit a position in my pelvis? What could I have done to better prepare? Thank you!

[kaharris83]

:hug: I'm sorry things didn't go like you planned. Congratulations on your healthy beautiful little girl!!

[flashy09]

Just wanted to say congratulations on a natural, 9lb baby delivery! I would just concentrate on the time right up until the last 10 minutes and the time immediately after when seeing your baby. Also, be really proud of how your body took over and got a big baby out even without you being fully in the moment. It might not have been pretty or pleasant or just the way you wanted, but your body worked perfectly for you!

[SnuggleBuggles]

Congratulations!!!

I think many moms (myself included) that didn't have pain meds have intense experiences like that in transition. Maybe it helps to know that that out of control, overwhelmed feeling is normal? It was certainly my least favorite part of labor! I didn't scream but I did try my best to run away with ds2. ;) 'Cause, you know, you can outrun the contractions!

I don't think there is anything you could have/ should have done differently but odds are your birth team may have handled things differently. Were they frantic and seemed stressed? Or were they calm and reassuring? I know how I was talked to and treated at that point in labor mattered.

[mctlaw]

Congratulations! I agree with pp, I think it is easy to feel out of control during those peak moments in a natural birth, I know I did. My pushing was nothing like described in Hypnobabies! :) I'm going to comment further on your other post.

[waitingforgrace]

I don't think what you experienced with your DD right before the birth is that unusual. DD2 was 9 lb 14 oz and I had no pain meds. Transition was awful, I had a hard time staying on top of the contractions and wasn't happy with how our nurse was "helping" us. I reached a point where I wanted to stand from sitting on the exercise ball. When I got up I couldn't feel my right leg so I had to lay on my side in the bed, 10 minutes later DD2 was born. I screamed a lot, pretty sure other people would have thought I was being murdered :) I also nearly hyperventilated right after, took me a few minutes to calm down, open my eyes and look at her. I honestly don't know if I'd go through that again and that's the hardest part for me.

I don't have any advice just wanted you to know that others have the same experience.

[gatorsmom]

Your post made me sad for you in a way. Us moms are too hard on ourselves. We try so hard sometimes to control every aspect of our lives to make it perfect but so many things are just simply out of our control. I have found pregnancy, the birthing process, raising children and the process of dying to be some examples of those situations. As much as we would like to, there are just too many variables to be controled. IMHO, the best we can do is surround ourselves with people who we can trust to love and care for us and then do our best and hang on for the ride. It's nearly impossible to predict an outcome so what good does it do to feel guilty about something out of our control?

I had to have an emergency c/section. It was the last thing I wanted. But who cares?? My baby was healthy. My friend was unable to breastfeeding when she wanted to. But she happily gave her perfect son formula. Another friend has a severely autistic little boy. Not what she was expecting but he is the joy of her life.

[karstmama]

i agree with the pp - from here it sounds totally normal, and you have everything to feel great about. don't beat yourself up over 10 minutes when you had an awesome, perfect, in control 12+ hours! especially when that 10 minutes sounds NORMAL, BIRTH CAN BE OVERWHELMING AND MINDBLOWING! i'm not yelling at you in a mean way, but really trying to stress that you did TERRIFIC!! you were PERFECT!! congrats, mama! you did super! :yay: let me also stress that i'm not trying to be dismissive - the way you feel is the way you feel - just cheerleader-y.

(ps - i really do understand how you feel about 'my birth' compared to 'the birth in my head that i was supposed to have'. i'm a midwife who had a classical c-section at 25 weeks. i'm still grieving over that.)

[AnnieW625]

You gave birth, that is enough in itself to lose control. Drs. and nurses for the most part understand. No one even your OB will remember. You will remember if you can of course, but in the end the baby is all that matters.

With DD2 who was born naturally as well I had to have the nurses come in and shut the door in the delivery room because I was screaming. I was kind of embarrassed, but I was able to deliver 25 minutes or so later because things moved fast.

With DD1 I think what was harder to get over needing meds mainly because I was in so much pain from pitocin, and penicilin (for strep B) and I had said I wanted to do it naturally and then the pitocin made labor very unbearable that DH went out to grab the nurse and tell her that I was getting an epidural no matter what because I was screaming, and the pain from what I remember was worse than the natural contractions I had with DD2.

It took me a good year+, almost really 2/1/2 yrs. before I was okay TTC another child. I am one of these people that doesn't expect much out of anything, I go with the flow, and if I can help it I don't over plan; and with neither child did I have a birth plan (I had a birth plan with baby 2, and it didn't make it).

[pinay]

I don't know if you have anyone in your area that offers this, but my prenatal yoga instructor also teaches the Birthing From Within curriculum and does this thing called Birth Story Medicine. You can learn a little more about it here: http://www.prenatalyogawithshelley.com/bsm.html

I didn't end up doing it bc I came to terms with my delivery of DD1 right before DD2 was born, but I have heard good things. I think sometimes just sharing your story can be healing, and as others have said you have a beautiful healthy baby, so the birth experience was ultimately successful even if it wasn't exactly what you had envisioned.

[Katigre]

Don't beat yourself up - it was not the size of your baby. The best thing I can think of to describe labor is 'intense' and what you went through was UBER intense. You basically crammed all of transition PLUS pushing into 10 minutes. Feeling like you lost control is not uncommon at all - and becomes quite common with a fast/intense transition like you had. Especially bc it was such a contrast to your slower/easier labor leading up to that point.

[daisymommy]

Honey, I can tell you that after 3 of my own unmedicated births--that's natural and normal! Don't feel badly for one second that you screamed or couldn't move. Birth is amazing, wonderful, and...painful! I remember feeling sheepish after my first natural birth because of how loud I was, yelling "Pull her out! Now! I can't do this! Help me!" And then moments later she was out and I was elated that she and I both had no drugs in our systems, and I had achieved my goal. I did it 2 more times with my following babies, and lets just say I haven't gotten any quieter or calmer ;) But that's okay! I don't feel embarrassed about it anymore, and you shouldn't either.

I also agree with Katigre, I go from 7/8cm to pushing her out in 15 minutes flat. Super duper intense and overwhelming!

[ExcitedMamma]

Thank you so much everyone! I feel better knowing that I'm not alone in feeling so out of control. I feel like everything that I read about natural birth was so positive that I was feeling like I did something wrong because of how painful I found transition and pushing. Plus I was in excruciating pain right after delivery, I now know it was probably from an abrasion, and everything I read was so positive about the experience and how great women felt after delivery. I am really trying to put it in perspective because I'm seriously considering a third child in a couple years and I'm not sure what kind of labor I would choose next time. I don't want to dwell on the pain and talk myself out of going natural again but at the same time for me the pain was so awful I want to be honest with myself about it when considering my choices for next time.

[hillview]

Your post made me sad for you in a way. Us moms are too hard on ourselves. We try so hard sometimes to control every aspect of our lives to make it perfect but so many things are just simply out of our control. I have found pregnancy, the birthing process, raising children and the process of dying to be some examples of those situations. As much as we would like to, there are just too many variables to be controled. IMHO, the best we can do is surround ourselves with people who we can trust to love and care for us and then do our best and hang on for the ride. It's nearly impossible to predict an outcome so what good does it do to feel guilty about something out of our control?

I had to have an emergency c/section. It was the last thing I wanted. But who cares?? My baby was healthy. My friend was unable to breastfeeding when she wanted to. But she happily gave her perfect son formula. Another friend has a severely autistic little boy. Not what she was expecting but he is the joy of her life.

My first birth was not at all how I had it planned. I also had an emergency c-section, my dula didn't show up etc.

Give yourself lots of positive talk, look at your sweet baby and appreciate that she is healthy and safe. I did mourn it for a bit and then worked to get over it. I am over it now :)

Hugs mama and congratulations!

[missym]

I think you did amazing! :cheerleader1: Birth is just a crazy experience sometimes. Your body did what it needed to do. :hug: With my 2nd, I had toyed with the idea of going unmedicated but hadn't done any preparation. It ended up happening so fast I didn't have a choice! I felt really out of control, I couldn't catch my breath at all between ctx. I remember thinking very clearly, "Wow, I'm completely freaking out." I screamed like a banshee and bit my husband. The nurses loved it. ;) One of them whispered to me afterward, "Honey, this is how it's supposed to be."

[almostmom]

First of all, congrats on the birth of a healthy baby, and for making it through without meds!

I have had 2 unmedicated births, and I know how incredibly painful transition can be. That is why it has its own name! In the build up, the contractions can be strong, but there is a break. In my experience, transition is a time when the pain never subsides completely, and you never have a break to catch your breath, or your sanity. BUT it is usually not a long time, which is the only saving grace if one can make it through.

The reason epidurals were such an amazing invention is because they saved women from going through that truly excruciating pain. When I was preparing for my second birth, I wasn't convinced that a natural birth was the best plan, because I remembered the intense insane pain. But I did believe that the short pushing time and the progression of the labor was helped by my movement, so tried it again, and somehow made it through. Choosing a natural birth is not because it's all going to be flowers and rainbows, but because it might avoid a c-section and the risks there, and help labor move along by being able to move around. At least that was always my perspective.

DH hates it when I say I don't know why I did it really, or how I did it, because from the outside he saw me as a superstar. But from the inside, it felt like a ton of pain, and definitely out of control. I did feel like I came back to earth for the short pushing I had to do, but I can imagine not!

You did amazing - you survived an intense experience which does include pain. It was hard to handle, but you did it, even if you screamed and grabbed DH in the process. You should be proud of yourself, but also give yourself a break.

Is it wrong to get an epidural? Heck no! If you choose to go that route next time, which you don't need to decide now, then that's fine! Maybe you go as far as you can, and then get the epi, so you don't go in terrified. Or you try and have another natural birth, take a hypno class, and do your best. That's all you can do, really. There is biology at work here, and you can only go so far using your best intentions.

I think people tell the stories about feeling great more than the stories about feeling horrible. My girl parts were definitely in pain after my births, and I had ice down there for many days. That happens to most people. The feeling great also refers to not being groggy or having back pain from the needle - that kind of thing. So keep that in mind. When a baby comes out of your vagina, there is going to be a little trauma to most people!

Hang in there.

[sste]

OP, I think there is some selection bias to what you are reading - - I imagine the people who were in agony or had complications or whatever in natural childbirth feel less comfortable about sharing their stories. And those stories may be published comparatively less frequently in the literature on natural childbirth. :; Like anything else, I am sure there are a whole range of experiences that are in fact the definition of "natural." I don't see how you could have done something wrong or differently in a few minutes time!

I am very sympathetic to wanting a birth to go a certain way (and I am practically the poster child/woman for someone who has had the opposite occur! Twice!). But, I do see a danger in too much focus in our demographic on the birth experience. If it is something that empowers you to go on and do other things in your life that is great. But, it seems to me that in some cases (not yours OP, just speaking in generalities here) empowerment during the birth experience becomes a replacement for other types of lifelong empowerment or independence that are more ultimately important than delivery day. Just a thought for you as you sort this out. It is not like you missed your one shot at life empowerment, kwim. :)

Try to keep in mind that the way you feel about it right now may not be the way you feel about it always. Time has a way of putting things into perspective. Right now it sounds like your perspective is a little skewed to this ten minutes rather than the amazing job you did start to finish!

[american_mama]

Did you read a lot and have a big personal goal for a natural birth? Did you think you knew all the tips and tricks? Or is it just that you hate feeling so negative, in pain and not even remembering the final minutes?

The reason I ask is that I was a big yes to questions 1 and 2, and like you, I screamed bloody murder at the very sudden end. I specifically remembering screaming "I'm scared!" several times to DH and the nurse. But mine was probably less intense: I was very aware, able to move, and it was short (5ish minutes).

For several weeks? months? I felt a bit like a fraud talking about her birht, because i knew it had gone very well, but that seemed to leave out the very important factor of my negativity about the ending. I felt like I "knew better" than to have screamed, should have done nice low tones, had spoiled my own birth, in a way. But my thoughts about that have completely changed over time.

Basically, there is not a right way to give birth and rating myself, as I had been doing, was sliding into perfectionism and over-control. It's not a test or performance. Whose to say that my prep and knowledge beforehand didn't help DD be born safely and easily (it probably did), even with that intense ending? Isn't part of the message of birth that there are things you can neither anticipate nor control, that it's a work-together-roll-with-the-punches kind of experience? That the best you can do is some good prep beforehand and then release the day of? Haven't I laughed a bit at people who micromanage their birth (this music, this outfit, this pillow, this affirmation, these candles, this role for DH and my doula and my mother and my photographer... and... and...) So why was a I sitting there critiquing the sounds I made or didn't make, the emotions I had versus the ones I wanted?

Giving birth is raw and in the moment, and I think the degree of that varies each time. I believed that beforehand, but had to take some time to really internalize it after my second birth.

[HannaAddict]

Congratulations on doing your job, screaming or not, and delivering a healthy 9 lb baby!!! You are awesome, don't feel upset you lost focus, you did it!! Be kind to yourself. I'm just sorry it was so hard on you.

[chiisai]

Seriously, mama, you were a rock star.

Do we need to be "like we are not even in labor"? It is work. Right? Transition is pretty wild. Let it be wild. Let labor be whatever labor will be.

I was all zen and getting through everything. Once transition came I was l total freak. Total. Freak. Both times. It's all good. And remember - you: rock star.

[theriviera]

Congratulations on doing your job, screaming or not, and delivering a healthy 9 lb baby!!! You are awesome, don't feel upset you lost focus, you did it!! Be kind to yourself. I'm just sorry it was so hard on you.

:yeahthat:

You are a rock star! I had a unplanned unmedicated birth and i felt like a crazy woman on a runaway train. I even bit my husband. My legs were super stiff and they kept telling me to bend them but i couldn't focus enough to even do that. I'm the opposite of you though in that I was freaking out that I didn't have time for the epidural. I was pretty traumatized from the experience and it took me a while to get over it.

Hugs mama :hug: