Succesful parenting with Ex...

[cindys]

How do you do it?

How do you get past the hurt and pain of a seperation and divorce?

How much time does your Ex see the child/children?

I am headed down this path, much to my dismay.

I am doing counseling to help cope..I had really hoped for a different outcome but its not looking good.

Cindy
Mama to 3 boys...21, 6 & 3 :heartbeat::heartbeat::heartbeat:

[hillview]

No BTDT experience but had to post a hug!

[carolinamama]

Just have hugs to offer. :hug: I'm sorry you are having to ask this question.

[lmh2402]

:hug: so sorry you're going through this

[SASM]

No BTDT but offering HUGE hugs. :( SEdning many P&PTs your way. And more hugs...

[larig]

Sending you hugs and healing for your heart.:hug:

[mom2binsd]

IF I only knew my life would be easier...my newly XH is clueless and from what I'm learning everything has to be spelled out and hammered home a hundred times...we were never good communicators and still aren't.

He wants no part of a parenting plan, doesn't care about my concerns about morality/limits around our DC...his new GF is always around, and she chose The Hunger Games last week for my 6 and 9 year old to watch with her two kids...who are the same age...not much common sense.

If possible, try to get it that you HAVE to go to parenting classes together so that maybe he'll understand how much this affects the kids, mine again has no clue and says all kinds of stuff in front of the kids.

I'm thinking I need to join some type of support group but don't necessarily want to be around too much negativity. It's hard though as all of my closest friends are married, most of them happy and it's hard for them to understand.

I'll be interested to see what others suggest.

[sntm]

It's hard. You have to constantly remind yourself that it's not about winning or showing him why you are right and he is a giant a-hole, but making things happen that are best for the kids. It does get better. I used to think about how the money I paid to lawyers would have hired a really good hitman and now I most of the time just don't care about XH.

I have a great book that is downstairs (nak) that i will post the name later.

We do 50-50 custody. Was horrible in the beginning, then actually appreciated the me time (ESP now with DS2!)

[sntm]

Oh, yeah, you do have to pick your battles. I realize DS1 will only get organic food with me, and will never get TV with XH. Not ideal for either of us, but not worth a fight.

[Mopey]

No btdt but :hug:

And as a child of divorce I will let you know that for us the smack talking between parents was the worst. You know how awful everyone is being, you can't help them get over anything, and it just feels beyond icky. Yes, even in their mid-thirties your children will feel ill when they hear you berate their dad (if all are still on good terms). We've all dealt with it okay, and we all know the truth (aka the smack talking is not unfounded) but it always still just sucks (though it happens far, far, far less this many years later). So vent here, continue with counseling, go for drinks with your good girls when he has the kids. I wish you lots of luck and healing vibes.

[Cam&Clay]

XH and I promised from the beginning that DS1 would always come first, and he does. We don't bad mouth each other in front of him. We go out of our way to make sure we are flexible with visitation, holidays, vacations. We attend all school functions, conferences, games, etc. together. If we need to have a "heated discussion" about something concerning DS1, we do it over the phone when DS1 is not around.

Is it always easy? No, it's not. But after being a teacher for many years and seeing parents using their kids as go-betweens and pawns in their evil games with one another made me realize that no matter how mad I get at XH, it's my job to make sure that DS1 is not wrapped up in my feelings about his dad. XH is a great father. Are there times I want to punch him? Oh, yes, but most of the time I know he has DS1's best interest at heart.

My best friend has had the epitome of a bad divorce. She and her XH are constantly in court, scream at each other during pick up/drop off, and send snarky messages via her DD. It's awful. Her hatred for XH affects her DD's life in such a way that I have no doubt this poor girl will be in therapy by the time she's 12. It's a mess.

So my advice? Go ahead and resent him for what he's doing, but don't let that affect how your kids see him and how you treat him and his relationship with them.

[KpbS]

I am not divorced but the adult child of parents who divorced when I was an adult. The BEST thing my mom could possibly do was to go to allllll of the counseling she needed to get herself healthy again following the pain of the divorce. She focused completely on trying to understand what happened and how she as a mature woman who absolutely did NOT want to be divorced could change herself and learn to cope with the circumstances.

She and my dad were separated for 5 years--ridiculous, do not do this to your kids--go to counseling together to see if he will change and change his mind but don't drag it out for years and years when the answer is staring you in the face, ie he does not care to change and save your marriage.

Also, I would not tell your DC everything. A generalized version of "what happened" and what is "going on now" will suffice. They need to know that you love them and will always, always be there for them.

I'm really sorry. :hug:

[sntm]

Sorry to keep posting, but definitely wanted to chime in on avoiding snarkiness about X around the kids. My mother was awful about this, and dad used to pass messages through us to avoid her. Sounds bizarre, but If not for that experience I would have divorced 2 years earlier and probably it would have been less nasty.

I won't speak badly about XH in front of DS and won't let my mother or DSO do it either. Ive messed up a few times, but for the most part, I even "happily" listen to DS talk about his other baby sibling and how amazing his dad is ( who knows everything, of course :eyeroll )

[new_mommy25]

HUGS!!

I have to chime in and agree with all the others, re: snarkiness. My parents got divorced when I was 18 but my younger brother and sister were in high school and lived with my mom. My mother used to say the most horrible, awful things about my father that would make me cringe. It was much, much worse for my siblings, especially my sister who became my mom's sound board, at age 13-14. :( It made her very unhappy. Truth is, my dad was a total a$$, we all knew it, but it still burned to hear all the hateful things Mom said. In contrast, my father never ever said anything bad about my mother to us.

[liz]

No BTDT, but sending you lots of :hug:.

[ladysoapmaker]

Dh & I both came into our relationship with a child from a previous relationship.

As everyone before as stated don't talk smack about your XH to your DC. It's been really easy for me with my ex as he has total left the picture. I still allow access to DS#2 with his paternal grandparents but his father refuses to talk to me. On the other hand DH & I sometime have to remember really hard not to do this. We've taken to going outside and having discussions away from all DC so our little pitchers don't talk out of turn.

And refuse to use your DC as messangers. It's not fair to the child.

If you can spell out everything that you can in the Shared custody agreement. DH ended up back in court over who had custody of DS#1 for school purposes because it wasn't spelled out in the inital agreement. DH & his XW have 50-50 shared custody, every other year we get to claim DS#1 on our taxes. She hasn't exercised her visitation regulary in the past year and even moved out of state for a few months. We haven't bothered to go get full custody as DS#1 is nearly 18 and it's not worth the angst.

Parenting classes are a good thing.

Our rule is unless there is a documentable safety issue or geninune illness DC have to go visit their parent. They can not just choose to not go because they don't feel like it. We've only had to tell DS#1 twice he had to visit his mother when she's called to pick him up.

And it does get easy as DC get older.

Good luck and hugs to you,
Jen

[TwoBees]

I can't offer any advice, but I couldn't read and not post a :hug:

[KDsMommy]

Lots and LOTS of hugs to you. I just went through a terrible divorce and know how hard it can be.

I have to echo the others when they say don't talk smack about XH. There is PLENTY for me to say about XH (he is a convicted Federal felon, diagnosed Narcissistic Sociopath, very abusive, dangerous man, and doesn't give a crap about his son) but he is still DS' dad and he has "different" memories of him. It is absolutely NOT our right to crush a child's world. I recently had to tell DS that his dad is in jail and it just about broke my heart to pieces. But I did it with the help of DS' psychologist and in a way that DS knows that it has nothing to do with him. We focused on behaviors and consequences and not on the person himself. Still, it's really hard.

I don't have any advice on shared parenting, as I have full custody with no visitation for him, but wanted to offer you all the hugs I can. :22:

[catsnkid]

been going through this for 2 months. ex seeing DS a few times a week for a few hours, starting next week 2 almost days a week.

[AnnieW625]

So sorry you are going through this. :hug: Hope things go as smoothly as possible.