s/o NYT article -- did get money from your parents after you were an adult?

[hillview]

http://bucks.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/09/21/measuring-the-achievements-of-adults-who-dont-get-family-financial-help/?ref=your-money

An interesting series of articles in the NYT.

Did you grow up with money?
Did you get help after you were an adult? If so what kind of help?

My parent had some money growing up -- we went to Europe 2x when I was a teenager but they drove beater cars and rented an apartment. We went to private high schools and colleges -- by the time I was a junior in college and my sister was a sophomore we were taking out student loans. After college my parents occasionally helped me out (maybe a hundred dollars once in a while sort of help). By my early 30s my parents had no money. They have social security now and they live rent free with us.

I grew up with some significant advantages -- in many ways I guess it worked out -- we are in good shape financially (very lucky) and my parents are well taken care of (although it isn't the luxury life I think my mom imagined).

[HannaAddict]

Nope. And funnily enough, we, the liberal Democrats, have been asked this year by almost every single card carrying, personal responsibility spewing, Republican on my husband's side for money. Money to keep up a lifestyle the various "personally responsible" folks can't sustain now that their piggy banks of home equity have gone down. (details deleted just in case) My husband paid for his own college and grad school with assistance of the US Military, I paid for mine 100% sans a military commitment. We just shake our heads as these same people inundate our emails with anti-Obama crazy emails, all with their hand out. Older BIL depends on us for large part of his income, we are his largest client (he's a broker) but decide our own trades and have to keep him from churning our account. Gotta love family.

[maestramommy]

We did not grow up with money, so if I really needed money for something my parents would pay for it. I worked summers for spending money and all during college and grad school to help pay for living expenses.

Once when I was an adult, they helped me out. I got in an accident and needed another car right away while the other one was being fixed. I leased one for 3 years, then bought it. My parents paid the balance, and I paid them back each month.

[hellokitty]

I grew up with $, but it never really felt like it. No, we did not starve or not have clothes to wear. However, compared to other doctors' children we did not look the part. My parents (My dad grew up in Taiwan during the Japanese occupation during WWII, so he has that war generation frugal mentality) were immigrants and did not see the value in us having things that other kids had. We basically wore kmart clothes, had really bad home haircuts, didn't go on nice vacations, etc.. My parents did send all of us to college and all of us also have other degrees.

I got married right after I finished college and did not depend on my parents for $ from that point on. In fact, they probably would have given me a really hard time about it, if I needed more financial help past college. Interestingly enough, my youngest brother got a LOT of extra financial help from my parents, even after he had finished his education and had started working. I actually feel like he took advantage of my parents, but then again, they have always babied him compared to my other brother and myself and hold us to different standards. There's always at least one child who plays the role of needing more help from the parents.

I consider myself very lucky that my parents paid for my college education. I have friends who were plowed over with college debt, esp some who are in professions that are not as high paying. Not to sound unappreciative, but the thing that sucked about them paying for my education though, was that they felt that they had to right to decide what I could major in (asian immigrant parents= pushing their kids to go into science/math fields). If I would have footed my own bill, I would have gone into a very different profession, they did the same thing to my brothers too, and they too would have picked very different professions.

ETA: I worked in food service at fast food, nursing homes and hospitals and as a nurses aid on the cardiac unit as a teen through college. I was also a RA for 3 yrs, which means I got free room and board and enough of a stipend to cover text books and during my 2nd BS degree (I was accepted to grad school, but felt that the BS degree was a better fit), I was a hall director at a different college for a yr, which was also the same deal as being a RA, but with a bigger stipend and a bigger apt. I actually find my experience compared to my friends' kids (mostly doctors' and engineers' kids) to be very different in that most of them never worked a job until they finished college.

[niccig]

No help from either parents or ILs after college.

I did college outside of the USA and didn't have student loans. I worked through college to pay for living expenses.

DH's parents did pay his college tuition and set amount for living expenses, he worked through college too.

We haven't asked for money, but we do know that if needed, we could move back into either parents house (not that we would want to).

Neither of my sisters have gotten help financially. DH's 2 sisters have gotten help - according to MIL, she's kept track of it and it's to be taken out of their share of the estate, but neither SIL knows this. The shi$t will hit the fan if this is true.

So no help since college, but no college loans was a huge help for DH when he first started work. We would like to do the same for DS as much as possible.

[buddyleebaby]

We did not grow up with money.

My mother loaned my DH the money for his first semester of college when his scholarship money had not come through in time so he wouldn't have to miss the semester. He was my boyfriend at the time. He paid her back in full as soon as his scholarship money came in.

My mother paid for our wedding.

My parents signed as my DH's financial sponsors when he was going through the process of getting residency. My income was technically enough but I only had one year of income tax returns and I needed three, I think. We were 19. It didn't cost them a dime but COULD have had he not been the man he is. It was a huge leap of faith for them.

When DD1 was little and money was very, very tight, my mom started dropping by our apartment unannounced every couple of weeks with things she insisted had been on sale buy one, get one free. Chicken, Rice, Orange Juice, Milk, Fruit, Beans, Pasta, etc.

[edurnemk]

DH and I both grew up with money, went to private schools, got to travel.

Our parents paid for our college education in full. My parents paid for our wedding reception and they gave us a large cash wedding gift to use towards our down payment. ILs matched the gift.

My parents have invited us on a few vacations and given us one or two plane tickets for those.

I know we sound really spoiled but we are very responsible financially, we pay all our bills and have no CC debt, we save a lot. Our only debt is a student loan from DH's MBA. i am aware and grateful for the privileges that were given to us, and hope to also pay for our DC's college education.

[KDsMommy]

My parents paid for college plus limited living expenses. I did work through college for extra money.

In the past 2 years since leaving XH, my parents have paid 95% of my legal costs for my divorce, which were very substantial. DS and I also lived with them for 1.5 years immediately following us leaving XH. My parents don't want or expect me to pay them back, but I will do what I can considering I don't get any child support and I'm a single mom. I thank God for my parent's help every single day, without them DS and I would NOT be in the (safe) position we are in now.

[Melbel]

I did not grow up with money. We only took 2 family vacations, both camping. I paid most of my way through undergrad and law school (my father helped with some tuition and car insurance during undergrad). I started working odd jobs at age 12 and had my first real job at 14. I worked throughout high school and college (up to 3 jobs at a time during summer break) to pay for school and living expenses. I have paid off my undergraduate and law school loans in full.

DH's parents paid his way through school and loaned us money for our first home down payment. We paid them off in full within a couple years.

I have helped out my mom and sister financially over the years.

[wifecat]

Ha! No!

My parents had a successful business in my growing up years, but they spent money in ridiculous ways and saved NOTHING. I worked two jobs and took out loans for college - they had their lawn landscaped and replaced cars that didn't need replacing.

Now, they need my brother and my help to manage their finances, and both of us have somehow managed to grow up as fiscally responsible adults. (Pardon the ranting there...guess I'm still a bit bitter).

ETA: Dh's parents are much more responsible, and we did borrow money from them to buy our first house (which we paid back in full) 9 years ago. They paid for both of their kids' college tuition, which we are grateful for every month as we continue to pay my student loans from now until forever.

[crl]

My parents were comfortably middle class. My dad came from essentially poverty and earned everything himself. He even helped pay for his family's car with his earnings as a teenager and he paid to have only bathroom in his parents house put in after he had left home and was in the military. My mom got a bit more help from her parents as they did pay for her nursing degree.

We went on road trip vacations when I was a kid. My parents drove okay, but not expensive cars and generally drove them for years and years. We lived in modest homes that my parents owned. My brother and I wore new clothes and were able to participate in whatever activities we wanted (though I am sure horse back riding or other very expensive activities would have been vetoed).

My parents covered the cost of in-state tuition for four years of college for both me and my brother. I had significant scholarship money so they "paid me back" by buying me a new Ford Escort my senior year of college. My brother had less scholarship money so they paid him back by helping with his masters degree expenses to some extent. I took out loans for law school, but my parents did cover the cost of my car and health insurance for me. I also lived with them for free summers.

Perhaps best of all, my parents have planned well and should not need any financial help from us at all.

I feel very fortunate financially and hope we can do the same for our kids.

Catherine

ETA. My parents did pay for our wedding. I am grateful for that, but made it clear at the time that I did not expect them to. If my parents had not paid, we would have had an immediate family only ceremony and taken them out to brunch ourselves (I had already decided that's what we would do if my parents did not want to pay.). So, although I am grateful, I also think that one was totally their choice and what they wanted to do rather than something I asked for. And my mom made most of the decisions that related to cost.

[specialp]

We did not grow up with money. My mother was a single widow by the time she was my age, but she did pinch pennies to save and pay for my in-state tuition (I'm still so grateful for this) while I worked all through high school and full time through college for extras like car insurance, books, savings. DH worked full time and paid his way through school and we took out loans for law school.

Other than my college tuition, we have taken no money from our parents as adults. We paid for our wedding, honeymoon, house down payment, etc.

[StantonHyde]

We had money that all went to savings--my dad was so cheap that we heated a 4k foot house with one wood stove. I not making this up.

Here is what I got from my parents, it probably amounts to 250k easily. I didn't ask for it, it was given to me on the provision that I managed my $ well, kept good grades, etc.
Private college education
Subsidized rent in grad school plus car insurance
2 used cars--they both died within 2 years
1 new car (10k)
30k in house downpayment
20k for a wedding (my mother refused to pay for any dress less than 1k)
My mom bought me furniture-- antiques that she liked plus a couple couches and chairs
In my first house, she paid for a new roof and wiring
She bought 2 dressers for us

[Pyrodjm]

Looking back on my childhood I realize that we were pretty poor. Bought clothes second hand, rarely ate out, no real extra curriculars until high school sports and clubs. My mom was a SAHM until I was twelve and this probably had a lot to do with it.

BUT I never felt poor or deprived. We went on vacation every year since my parents owned a timeshare with another couple. We had awesome summers because my mom was around to take us to the pool, park, etc. (my mom worked for the school system during my teens). We had several families with kids our age and my parents made it a point that we spend time with them (family sleepover during school breaks were the norm).

When I was a senior in HS my dad lets me know that I could live and eat for free in his home as long as I was in school but he could not afford to pay for college. I already knew this and thanked him. It had never occurred to me that my parents were required to pay for my secondary education. I had a small settlement from a car accident I'd been in years before that gave me enough to pay for my first year of undergrad, a computer and a few extras. I had always worked summers for spending money and worked my way through undergrad and graduate degrees at city universities. I took out no loans and had no real monetary help from my folks except room and board

I moved out two months after graduating with my bachelor's degree and have not taken money from them since except for a gifts. I paid for my own wedding bought my first car and saved money to move into my own place.

I'm glad it was this way.

DH's grandfather has money and uses it as a weapon against his family. I'm so glad that we don't need his help.

[SnuggleBuggles]

My experience is very much like crl's. comfortably middle class though they weren't that well off when my siblings were young. (Benefit if being a later in life "oops" is that my parents were in better shape financially.). My parents did loan me $1000 for our first car and we tried to pay them back. That was 12 years ago and that's the last we have asked for money. If we asked, I'm sure both sides of the family could and would help us. No one gives us cash gifts either nor takes us on vacation. We paid every bit of our house and down payment on our own too.

[arivecchi]

I did not grow up with money and have never gotten any help - with college or grad school tuition, wedding, down payments for homes or cars - anything - not even babysitting! We pretty much always get sitters/nannies. DH's family paid for his college education from an inheritance they had but he did not grow up with much money either. He has paid his way in every other respect - including paying for his two graduate degrees.

[KLD313]

My parents were well off and my mother is even more so since my dad passed away. I'm an only child and they helped me quite a bit, my mom still does. They bought my first car but it wasn't very expensive, my dad co-signed for my second car and paid the insurance. They paid for college and the gave me the rest of the money they put aside for it and didn't use. They paid for my wedding which was $$$$. My dad gave me a good amount to put a down payment on my first house. My dad always slipped me money behind my mothers back because my husband at the time ruined me financially. My mom paid for my divorce after my father died and she paid off credit card debt that my ex-husband accrued in my name. My mother still helps me frequently.

[AnnieW625]

I grew up in a middle class family, but I always felt like we had more than we really did. My parents still live in the house they bought in 1978. They keep their cars for a long time, over 10 yrs. I am public school educated kinder-college as are my siblings, and for the most part my parents paid for our college (we alternated who bought books, I paid for parking and all food not eaten at home, I also started buying my own clothes/shoes, and always bought my own gas). We had no debt when we graduated with our BA degrees. Extra curricular costs were never a huge issue, however my brother and I took regularly scheduled tennis lessons from the age of 9 and 6 through high school each summer. I played two years in high school, and my brother played for four. In college they paid 1/2 of my auto insurance. Family vacations were often road trips through out California, camping in Yosemite, spending two weeks with my paternal grandparents at a rental house in Lake Arrowhead, and then spending almost a week with them over the Christmas break and going to the Rose Parade. I don't think I was short changed at all. I have never been to Europe. In 2001 (I was 23) we took a family trip to Washington DC/Pennsylvania.

My mom grew up in an upper middle class setting, but both of my grandparents pretty much didn't have much growing up. Their parents did send them to Catholic school k-high school and that gave them the ability to go to the Univ. of California. My grandpa was an engineering professor. They gave my parents money every year or so.

My dad grew up solidly middle class, but since my grandpa was in the housing business when times were tough my grandma worked, which was most of the time. Somehow they put two kids through private school k-college, but wouldn't have been able to do it without my grandma's parents who were very comfortable.

My parents paid for our wedding (about $12k), gave us $5k when we bought or house, and loaned us $1000 when DH forgot to transfer money from our ING account to cover our property taxes and then we paid them back as soon as the money was transferred.

[fedoragirl]

Parents paid for an undergrad education for all the kids. We were on our own after that. We didn't get cars or anything else. We were comfortable and never lacked for anything. I have an attitude not to ask for money and feel terrible about taking money from my parents even if we need it.
DH's parents still hand out a couple hundred now and then. They paid for a lot of things, including some stuff now. I hate it but DH has no problem accepting $. I think it's just a mindset and we differ in this.

[karstmama]

i grew up comfy enough - vacations (once to europe, mainly to the nc beach or mountains), public schools, girl scout camp but no sleep-away summer camp, shoes & clothes i wanted within reason, quite extravagant christmases, keeping cars more than 5 years, a quite nice house with additions over time and 3 mortgages. basically, i think they (read 'mama') were good at prioritizing money and making it stretch where they wanted it to and deferring some gratification.

they did not pay for college or grad school directly, though mama gave me $500 a month while i was in school for living expenses. i paid my own tuition & books and never took out a loan thanks to a really good but cheap state supported school. they paid for my first wedding (2k total) but nothing on my first house. for the past 10 years or so, though, mama has gifted us with the maximum allowable money without gift tax - $12000-ish - each year. her thought is that she's set for her retirement and wants to share money without tax before she dies and it is taxed. i've bought cars from them and paid them back very slowly, but paid them back.

if i needed money for something big, horrible medical bills or unexpected lawsuit or something, i'd ask both of them & likely be able to come up with something. it would either be expected to be paid back (mama) or deducted from inheritance (daddy).

interesting to see all the different decisions and ways of doing things!

[khalloc]

I wouldn't say we "had" money. But we didn't want for anything. My brother and I went to private school (me up til 7th grade) and my brother all thru high school. We lived in a decent cape in Boston that my parents owned. They drove older cars. Neither of my parents went to college so they had blue collar jobs. we didn't take lots of vacations, but we went to Disney twice by flying there. We took road trips on the east coast. When I was in 10th grade they sent me to Germany on a student exchange for a few weeks. I had jobs growing up like babysitting, working at CVS, etc....so it's not like I didn't work for my own spending money.

My parent still live in the same house. No mortgage now. They both still work. They have a nicer car now, but they still keep their cars for 10 years or so. They are very generous with gifts.

[BeachBum]

No. When I graduated from college my parents helped me with security deposits on my 1st apartment and co-signed for my used car. So it's not like I had NO help, but since then no. I would feel embarrassed to ask them for help. My parents are pretty solidly middle class and live well within their means. FWIW I do anticipate having to help them in their later years assuming they live a long time.

My husbands family is upper middle class. They have given us opportunities to borrow money (at market rate interest) that we probably wouldn't have qualified for through a bank. We did this a time or two for investment purposes that paid off and we paid them back in the short term.

[Melaine]

Nope didn't grow up with money. Pretty much the opposite.

Nope don't get help as an adult. Not financial help, but my parents do all they can to help us in other ways. DH's parents are uninvolved in our lives other than short visits every year or so.

[elephantmeg]

nope. We were pretty poor growing up. My parents helped me some during college (rent towards the end, some money towards a car) but we paid it back after I got out of college. The paid for my wedding (with a cap of 3,500). I'm not even sure they would let us move back at this point. But it's a moot point since we are much more financially secure than they are

[sste]

Very little help of any kind - - and then my parents decided to give their entire estate to my sister as she is a schoolteacher (single) and they felt needed the money more! It is interesting because they have helped her alot more financially throughout life and this estate piece was in a way the natural follow-through.

Although I have some flashes of envy for friends who receive help, the situation has for the most part benefited dh and me who are extremely solid in our financial management.

In many ways the more interesting question will be for our kids. We are absolutely econ downwardly mobile from our parents generation to the present. Our own kids will not have the standard of living most of us do and certainly less than our parents generation working in comparable professions. I guess I would like to be able to provide education and help in short-term emergencies.

[larig]

I have had some help. I'm an only child. I grew up a very middle class kid--a child of 2 very frugal teachers. My parents have told me they would rather give me money when they are alive than have me wait until they die to get it. They say they enjoy seeing us benefit from their gifts.

Between an academic scholarship and my parents my undergrad was paid for. I paid for my own graduate school completely (and all of the hours beyond my M.Ed. and for my PhD had an research assistantship that paid for it).

They gave me some help with a down payment when I bought my first condo (at the time I was teaching, and made about $25,000). And they are generous with gifts (they have ONE grandson, DS) and almost always pay for our plane tickets when we visit them at their winter house.

I am very aware how lucky I am and very grateful for their help. That downpayment has grown as DH and I sold that condo and used the proceeds to buy our house in Seattle, which has also appreciated.

[secchick]

My parents both grew up on working farms and put themselves through college and Ph.D programs. we were middle class growing up, and lived in Europe for a year (my father's work) but they were pretty frugal. When I got my driver's license I got to drive the 13yo Volvo station wagon, for example.

I had pretty much a full ride academic scholarship for college and law school, so my parents did give me $500 per month living expenses for law school which was tight, but covered rent, utilities and $20 per week for food, which was all I needed. They cut off support after my summer associate job and I paid expenses the third year. They gave each of us a car, nothing fancy. My sister got a Geo Prism and I got a Taurus after our Freshman year, but I drove the beater Ford Tempo with AM radio only and no a/c and waited until law school for the new car (both were actually very low mileage program cars of the current model year) and delaying gratification was a great decision because I and DH kept that car for 13 years and it was new enough to not have any issues when I got out on my own.

My parents gave each of us $10K for downpayment and wedding and they now put about $1K per kid into the 529s. They help my sister more, giving her zero interest car loans, selling her their rental townhome for below current market value, and things like that. If we really needed help, they would let us live with them if we were working, which they would expect even if it was retail or Starbucks or temping or whatever, but would never send checks for us to maintain a standard of living we cannot afford.

DH and I are struggling, because not all of our 3 kids will likely have our standard of living, and it may be that none of them do. We can afford to help, but want the kids to be responsible and independent. We are woking on our estate plan and trying to figure out how to structure the trusts, what age the kids would get the money, and things like that. Throwing around concepts like structuring gifts as matching IRA contributions for money saved, how to be fair in dispersing aid, and how to communicate expectations to the kids (for example, we will pay for college as long as you study with diligence. If grades reflect you are not holding up your end of the bargain, the next semester is on you).

[anonomom]

We had money when I was a kid, but I never knew it -- my mom always told us we were poor and that any day we'd have to quit our sports/activities to get jobs to start giving back to the family. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized poor people don't drive Mercedes and live in the town where I grew up.

My parents paid $2500 towards my college education and bought my wedding dress ($1200). I think once in undergrad I borrowed $500 from them to pay for an ER visit. Other than that, I have been self-supporting since I turned 18. And frankly, I would have sold myself on the streets before asking my parents for a dime.

Both of my parents are gone now, and I did receive a sizable inheritance. That will eventually be our nest egg for my kids' college education.

[hillview]

We had money when I was a kid, but I never knew it -- my mom always told us we were poor and that any day we'd have to quit our sports/activities to get jobs to start giving back to the family. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized poor people don't drive Mercedes and live in the town where I grew up.

My parents paid $2500 towards my college education and bought my wedding dress ($1200). I think once in undergrad I borrowed $500 from them to pay for an ER visit. Other than that, I have been self-supporting since I turned 18. And frankly, I would have sold myself on the streets before asking my parents for a dime.

Both of my parents are gone now, and I did receive a sizable inheritance. That will eventually be our nest egg for my kids' college education.

Ok that is a fascinating story. Can I ask -- how do you feel about them telling you that you were poor growing up?

[anonomom]

Hillview,

As a kid, I was terrified. I really believed all of what my mom told me and really thought we'd have to move, etc. And while I lacked for nothing, I hated being told how much money they'd spent on us and how they'd have been rich if only they hadn't had children.

As a young adult/adult, I was (and still am) angry and resentful. It bothers me that my mom spent so much energy making us feel bad when she really didn't have to. But frankly, that was the story of my childhood. There were lots of issues there. The money was just one more piece of it, and why I was so determined as an adult never to take help from my family (not that it was offered).

[twowhat?]

I grew up thinking we were "poor". My immigrant parents had the typical Asian frugal mentality (you know, squeezing a tube of toothpaste until it's paper-thin, and then cutting off the bottom and scooping out whatever squeezing didn't expel, not flushing the toilet for pee, etc.). Spending "unnecessary money" like going to movies, out to eat, nice clothes, etc was frowned upon. Spending money on piano lessons, etc was a "must". I remember all my clothes coming from the Dillard's clearance center (where all the cast-offs went).

In reality we were pretty middle-class, I think. My Dad made 40K/year and my mom was a SAHM. Then she started working PT as a sub teacher when we were older while my Dad started his own business so I do believe we did have to be careful with money then.

My parents paid 2 years of college (I did a magnet school for 2 years where I earned 2 years of college credit then for free because of a needs-based scholarship, so they paid for 2 years of my public univ education). I was on my own in grad school but being in the sciences, earned a stipend while I worked on my PhD. They bought me a used car for grad school. I have never asked for money - everything I received was offered.

They paid for my wedding dress ($700). We paid for the wedding. They gave us a sizeable gift of a down payment for our house (we didn't need it).

They are extremely careful in money managing so despite not really having a ton, they've saved quite a bit.

I hope to be able to help our kids in a similar way.

eta: forgot to add that I did work during summers and over holidays and that money went toward my tuition/room & board.

[smiles33]

This thread is fascinating, as I never ask these kinds of questions of friends IRL. It's really eye-opening.

My parents were both immigrants from Asia, but my dad earned full scholarships to American universities to get his MS and PhD in Electrical Engineering, so unlike some of our relatives that he later sponsored or other Asian immigrants who were refugees, he was lucky to have a well-paying job upon graduation. My mom worked illegally as a bookstore cashier when they first married, as my dad's scholarship didn't provide enough funds for living expenses. He worked nights as a cashier at a Chinese take-out restaurant with a to-go window (with bars on it!) so he could study as he waited to pass food out to patrons.

Now, both my parents' families were refugees from Communist China, so they both grew up very poor. My dad's birthday gift was the pleasure of eating a single chicken's egg all by himself without having to share it with his siblings! But by the time they had my younger brother and me, they had managed to buy a 3 bedroom house and 1 used car. I think we grew up comfortably middle class--both parents worked, but it meant they were able to buy a house in an area with really good public schools. Yet my parents were very frugal (seems like a common theme with many Asian immigrants) and I doubt anyone realized that most of their salaries went to pay the mortgage. We lived frugally, indulged in simple pleasures (my dad loves road trips to the Grand Canyon from California and we did it 3 times during my childhood!), and they drove their cars into the ground. Still, we were definitely middle class and light years more financially stable than either of their families during their childhoods.

They paid for my college tuition at a public university and most of my expenses (I always worked a job starting in high school but 10-15 hours/week at most). Probably spent a total of about $10,000/year at that time (I lived in the cheapest apartment I could find, squeezing 5 people into what was technically a 3 bedroom). They paid $1,500 for a 1989 Honda Accord sedan when I was in law school (I didn't have a car as a college student, even though I lived in Los Angeles and had to take the bus or rely on friends for everything!). They also let me move back home after law school grad for a year so I could apply my entire nonprofit salary to paying off law school loans (also from a public university). When I graduated, they gave me money to buy a new car and they contributed a significant sum toward our wedding.

I know I'm very lucky to have them as a safety net and that peace of mind is priceless.

[MontrealMum]

I have had some help. I'm an only child. I grew up a very middle class kid--a child of 2 very frugal teachers. My parents have told me they would rather give me money when they are alive than have me wait until they die to get it. They say they enjoy seeing us benefit from their gifts.


This is my situation as well. I grew up solidly middle class. My parents scrimped and saved compared to some of my peers' parents as I was growing up. I've been working since I was 15. I never wanted for anything, but money in our house went for "important" things, not frivolous ones. They drove cars until they died, purchased used tv's and vacuums, and we didn't have cable. If I wanted to join the ski club or something like that I had to pay for the fees and equipment/clothing with my babysitting money or after school job earnings. Although I've been on my own for the most part since receiving my BA from a state school, they do send gifts of money from time to time. They derive pleasure from being able to help us out when we're young and things are tight, rather than waiting to receive it all when they're gone. They also contribute regularly to DS' college fund since contributions are matched here. Although I know my parents would always try to help me out since they are very supportive and generous, I'd never ask.

My dad's parents were fairly well off but noone knew it - include my grandma! - until his dad died. It was quite the shock. She lived simply for the most part in the intervening years so that he and his brother received a nice inheritance each upon her death. Although they were both grateful for the inheritance, they agree that it might have been nice to have when they were starting out in their 20s', or had kids in h/s and college, rather than at retirement age.

DH, OTOH, grew up with very wealthy parents in a world that I really don't fully understand. Although they paid for his undergrad, he lived at home. He's received very little from them since then, including b-day and holiday gifts.

[roseyloxs]

Both of my parents are accountants and we lived pretty frugally growing up. We had a small house in a nice neighborhood. No cable, no A/C, no going out to dinner. We did play sports and did plenty of activities. I had 2 years of Catholic school but then switched to a public school(this happened to be the same year that my brother would start school). When I was in middle school my dad quit his job since they were overworking and underpaying him. It took a few months but he found a great job that paid much better but my mom was pretty good at living frugally so not a lot changed. We did get cable and install A/C though. I am not high maintenance and was happy to wear hand me downs from my cousins and was completely ignorant to what a 'label' or brand name was. Although I did grow up in the grunge era so it was cool to wear my dad's old flannel shirts.

My parents paid for my undergrad degree. They did sit me down and asked me to seriously rethink my choice since the state college (mom's alum) was significantly less expensive then the private school(dad's alum) I wanted to go to. It also happened to be #3 in the country for the degree I wanted but I just didn't like the large school feel at all when I visited. It was such a clear choice to me that I never wavered and was happy to take on the school loans myself. They still paid. They also paid for my wedding which happened just one month after graduating from college. They also 'invested' the downpayment into our first house. We did make a contract and they will get back their investment (plus earnings hopefully) when we sell.

DH grew up in Chicago. His parents put him through private school but did not pay anything for his college (which was the same expensive private school I attended). DH did rotc and the military paid for 80% of his education, still have about 20-30,000 dollars to pay back for the other 20%.

Both of our parents make about the same amount of money. My parents spend it more wisely though. I don't expect my parents to ever need help financially even though my dad has been out of work for 2 years. We offered to payback their 'investment' early but they said there was no need since their mortgage and cars are already paid off so my mom's smaller salary can comfortably cover their living expenses and more.

DH's family spends money like it grows on trees and are dealing with credit card debt (but they have already worked out a plan and are on their way out of it). They still have a mortgage and they lease their cars. Well actually they lease one car. They 'bought' our other car when we moved overseas but I use that term loosely since they have yet to ever actually give us the money for it. This behavior drives me insane because my MIL also sends way too many gifts and presents for the kids (crap I don't want and the kids don't need). So I fully expect to have to support one or both of DH's parents in the future.

[klwa]

When I was growing up, we were comfortable with money, but not rich by any means. Both parents were school teachers. Daddy's mother was living on SS for the most part, so they helped out with her as much as they could. Momma's mother was living on SS & the rent from the farm, so she was more comfortable.

All three of us kids are fiscally responsible, but can't always convince my dad of that. He's now got his retirement check, my mom's retirement check, and social security coming in, and he only lives on about 1/3 of that. So, he saves 1/3 & then gives the other third to the three of us. Doesn't matter how often we tell him not to, that's what he's going to do! So, I use that as a windfall towards paying off our house faster & the kids college fund.

[wellyes]

Nothing after grad school, but, they do usually give us a few thousand dollars at Christmas. Very generous, especially considering that we don't need it, and that they think we live extravagantly. I don't think we do, but, most everything in the Boston area is very expensive compared to where they live.


MIL doesn't help us financially, nor would we ask her to. But my BIL lives in her home, with zero income, using her credit cards (he is 40, educated, able bodied, and very lazy). She has offered to write us a check to make up for the difference "to be fair". She is not wealthy and of course we did not consider accepting.


I think the greatest gift both me & my DH got was in childhood. I am grateful we both had parents who provided financial security and common sense frugality. And as an aside, I think it's nuts that Mitt Romney considers himself a self-made man. That lack of awareness about the privileges, education and connections he was given is incomprehensible to me.

[larig]

I have had some help. I'm an only child. I grew up a very middle class kid--a child of 2 very frugal teachers. My parents have told me they would rather give me money when they are alive than have me wait until they die to get it. They say they enjoy seeing us benefit from their gifts.

Between an academic scholarship and my parents my undergrad was paid for. I paid for my own graduate school completely (and all of the hours beyond my M.Ed. and for my PhD had an research assistantship that paid for it).

They gave me some help with a down payment when I bought my first condo (at the time I was teaching, and made about $25,000). And they are generous with gifts (they have ONE grandson, DS) and almost always pay for our plane tickets when we visit them at their winter house.

I am very aware how lucky I am and very grateful for their help. That downpayment has grown as DH and I sold that condo and used the proceeds to buy our house in Seattle, which has also appreciated.

I'll add something more about how frugal my parents were. They were both in the teachers' union. When the National Education Association's convention was somewhere educational (like Philadelphia, or fun, like Miami or L.A.) mom and dad ran to be delegates to the convention from their local group. That meant we had a family vacation for free. They also drove some family friends' daughters out to school in AZ every year, which paid for our trip out there (mom and dad would pay for a hotel room for some extra days and we'd take a side trip through Vegas on the way home). At one point in addition to teaching, mom was typing during the summer for the mayor of our town (or his law practice when he wasn't mayor), dad coached basketball, they and my dad's brother ran a xmas tree farm, and they owned an apartment building (they did all the work themselves--including converting a storage room to an extra studio apartment), and dad painted houses in the summer. They were constantly busy. They were and still are great role models.

[marymoo86]

Yes - my mom has given me various amounts of money (albeit small) over the years. I had a scholarship that paid 75% of my undergrad and full ride on graduate degrees. She did carry me on her insurance until I got a job. She paid for my wedding which would be the largest amount of money (even though small wedding) that she has "given" me. She and my late dad grew up dirt poor, got their education and took advantage of any training, lived less than frugal, paid cash, never borrowed, and earned a middle class living. We took a lot of smaller, driveable trips that provided me with great memories. I think they did very well for having only high school/limited college educations. My mom likes to dote on DD and I let her have her fun but always let her know that it is not necessary. She is comfortable between her retirement, savings, and dad's retirement to do most anything she pleases. IL's on the other hand are a mess. We have never received anything from them and do not expect to ever. It's been a time untangling DH from their habits.

[maestramommy]

This thread is fascinating, as I never ask these kinds of questions of friends IRL. It's really eye-opening.

My parents were both immigrants from Asia,

I know I'm very lucky to have them as a safety net and that peace of mind is priceless.

I find your story fascinating in how close it is to mine! I lived with my parents until I got married, my sister did too. We were both teachers, and had decided if neither of us got married within my turning 32 we were going to get an apt together since neither of us could afford to live alone and still pay off student loans, and our jobs were not far from each other.

My dad also got a full ride for college and grad school, both in England and the States, but as a journalism major he had to work to pay for some living expenses. Both my parents lost their father at pretty early ages, and so grew up pretty poor. I think the same is true of MIL. It's still amazing to me that they even got here and managed to carve out a middle class existence (sorta), let alone send us all to college. dh's parents paid for his and SIL's college, my parents paid part, and the rest of loans, grants and workstudy and part time jobs.

I guess the reason I don't really expect my kids to have a better standard of living is that even though I know it could be much higher, I have a hard time knowing what that looks like and how they would get there. We are already living a lot better than my parents did the entire time I was growing up, we've never had to worry financially. Nowadays if we worry at all, it's about saving for college and maybe what to do about my parents if their savings run out. And this is one thing we DON'T want our kids to have to worry about.