How do you deal with "I hate you"?

[Naranjadia]

So one of our two kindergartners, probably exhausted from being at school and behaving all day, has turned into a grumpy "I hate you" machine. She directs at DH and I, her bro, her sitters. At the same time, she also is resorting to threats - either "I'm going to hit you" or "I won't do X, unless you let me do Y."

I read this as her trying to have some control in her day and also a lot of pent-up feelings. We do give her choices, but when the choices don't match up with her desires (mainly to have screen time), it doesn't work. We have been giving time-outs for 'I hate you" but it doesn't seem as effective as it has been for other things.

Any words of wisdom?

[athompson]

..............................

[wendmatt]

"Well I love you and I understand that you are just mad right now but that is not a nice thing to say to anyone. We can talk about what's wrong when you are feeling a bit better" and hope it's just a phase!

[brittone2]

Yeah, that's a button pusher. I think you are right in recognizing there is a lot of inner turmoil in those first weeks of school, especially for a Kinder aged child is going to also find the stimulation and social navigation exhausting.

When my kids have gone there in the past, I try to reflect feelings. "You sound frustrated about X" or ask them if they want to talk about it. I might rescript and ask them to rephrase... "you are frustrated that I won't let you watch TV right now. It is okay to tell me that, but not tell me that you hate me." If they won't retry, I'd probably just walk away and ignore and see how that goes if you haven't tried it. I might say, "I'm sorry you are disappointed, but I'm not going to stand here while you say that to me. I love you." and then walk away. But I'd try to focus on the root thing...teaching them to express their upset more appropriately and constructively vs. getting too sucked into the battle of the wills over the "I hate you" thing. And you want to keep communication open with them during this time of transition, obviously.

I might ask at a more neutral time about changes at school, how that is going, peer relationships, etc. to tease out whether there is anything else going on (not that there has to be, but sometimes that stuff spills out at home).

There was a thread today on family meetings. It might be good to try that and bring it up at a more neutral time. Maybe collaboratively come up with pros and cons of screen time, what an acceptable amount is, how much per day is allowed or how that will be decided in the family. Maybe letting them have some input will help. I've found my kids to be easier to work with when we let them have some input into things like that at a more neutral, non-heated time. YOu could also focus on positives about school, but give them a chance to talk in an open ended way about what things are going on socially and so forth, in case that's adding a level of stress. eta: you could also address in a family meeting that your feelings are hurt by that language. It is easier to get it out appropriately to your kids, and they may "hear" you better when neither of you are overly revved up with emotion, kwim?

[Melaine]

Growing up we were taught that that is a taboo phrase, because it means wanting the other person dead. It's fine to be angry and I'm not against sharing feelings of frustration but that wording isn't ok for our house.

[Kindra178]

I have said flat out, "Those words are not kind and hurt my feelings. I love you very much."

[crl]

I ignore. Of course, ds only tried it out on me a couple of times so maybe I would have switched strategies if he had been more persistent. But I felt like he (a) didn't mean it and (b) was just going for the reaction.

Catherine

[mik8]

I tell her, "That really hurt my feelings" and then ignore. She's learned to say, "I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt your feelings."

[ellies mom]

I usually just shrug my shoulders and say "That's ok, I love you enough for both of us" and ignore it. It doesn't get thrown around much at my house because it doesn't get much of a response.

[m448]

I usually just shrug my shoulders and say "That's ok, I love you enough for both of us" and ignore it. It doesn't get thrown around much at my house because it doesn't get much of a response.

This. Lather, rinse, repeat. It lets them know they were heard (so not invalidatede), that you still love them and that you as the parent are bigger than their biggest feelings. Kids are usually testing out the power of words as they pick them up over the years and top of the list is the little insecurity of "can I ever do anything that will make mom/dad stop loving me?"

A big reaction to something like that is likely to make them anxious vs. secure. Noncholant, "I love you enough for the both of us" and disengage is usually enough to put that fear to rest. However if it continues, exploring other issues is wise as PP have mentioned.

[lalasmama]

Growing up we were taught that that is a taboo phrase, because it means wanting the other person dead. It's fine to be angry and I'm not against sharing feelings of frustration but that wording isn't ok for our house.

:yeahthat:

DD has tried it once or twice (maybe a few more times than that?), always in answer to getting in trouble after a having a tough day.

If she's in her room, yelling to get frustration out, I ignore it, just as I ignore the "I wish I never lived with you, Mommy!" and "I'm going to run far far far away and cross streets without holding your hand!" statements.

If she's out of her room and she's being a snot because she's in a bad mood and "misery loves company," then it depends. If I'm in a good mood, I might say, "Care to retry that comment? We don't say hate in this house." or "That was mean. I understand you are mad about x, but that does not make it okay to be mean." If I'm in a crankier mood, I may tell her to get into bed until she can find my nice child and apologize for being mean. If I'm in a really bad mood, made worse by her attitude, I may tell her that we both need time alone, and it's time to head to our rooms for a while. Then, when the storminess has passed, I pull her aside and remember that "I hate you" is NEVER okay to say, no matter how mad we are. If I think about it, I point out things to say to get the anger out--"I'm so mad at you!", "I think you're being mean!", etc. We aren't an eloquent family when we get mad, LOL, but the point is getting the frustration and feelings out.

[Green_Tea]

I usually just shrug my shoulders and say "That's ok, I love you enough for both of us" and ignore it. It doesn't get thrown around much at my house because it doesn't get much of a response.

This. It's something kids say for a reaction. Don't give them one.

[maestramommy]

We don't get "I hate you, " we get "I don't want you, I don't like you, go away!" I just walk away, totally indifferent. When it comes to me wanting them to do something, it depends on whether or not it's a battleground. If it is, I give them an ultimatum. "you cannot do X until after you do Y." Or if I'm trying to be kinder, "First you must X then you can do Y."

the one word we don't tolerate is calling someone stupid (vs. saying something is stupid). Esp. if they call Dh stupid, which they've been known to do in moments of extreme silliness. That's something we come down on like a sack of bricks.

[Naranjadia]

Thank you all for your responses.

We started in the shrug off, ignore, and/or "that's okay, I love you" mode, but my DH thought it was too disrespectful. But maybe we are feeding into her need for a negative response by giving her a time out.

She did, once, just once, pull the 'you're not my real mommy' card (she was carried by a gestational surrogate). That time I withdrew from the situation and when she had calmed down I told her that that hurt my feelings. She was very apologetic, and claimed she didn't mean it that way, and it has never happened again.

But the "I hate you" continues. So DH and I can get on board with reflecting back love, but what would you do about when she says it to her twin brother?