Monster-in-law causing friction: help!

[twotimesblue]

This is LONG, so apologies in advance!

To cut a veeeery long story short, I truly have the MIL from hell. She is the MOST selfish, unpleasant woman I have ever encountered, and it still mystifies me as to how DH came from her womb. To give a few examples of her extreme selfishness: she left her husband (DH's dad) when DH was 2 to take off with another man; took in this man's 4 kids and proceeded to change DH's name to a wacky, hippy name that resulted in years of teasing; made him move school 12 TIMES (and move house over 20 times) before he hit his teens, preventing him from making friends or doing well academically; turned a blind eye when his 'step-dad' (they never married) used corporal punishment and physical abuse on DH, singling him out as he was the only one out of the 5 that wasn't his biologically. DH left home at 16 and moved, literally, to the other side of the world (we met in Europe): even though her only son was thousands of miles away she would call, at most, twice a year (and even then would spend the entire conversation boasting about how well her furniture business was doing etc, never asking about him).

She now lives in Bali with her new, much younger husband (she is no longer on speaking terms with her step-kids, and her bio daughter has a very fractious relationship with her). Every time I see her she makes snide comments - "Oh, is dusting not a big deal in America?" and does obnoxious things like rearranges all my furniture because she thinks she has much better taste. She has never concealed her dislike of me despite the fact that I made huge efforts to pander to her in the early days.

My DS is her only grandchild; she NEVER calls/Skypes him and he has no idea who she is. She came to visit once, when he was 14 months old, and her visit was intolerable: she made me cry on several occasions and she practically ignored DS: she spent most of her trip shopping for her dogs (she pleads poverty, since her business went bankrupt, but spent over $500 on dog toys and hundreds more on clothes for herself and her husband... She bought NOTHING for DS).
We prepared meals most nights, but she would say she and her DH had already eaten and stay in their room, whispering and creating a huge atmosphere. DS didn't bond with her at all and my DH was so upset by her behavior he had it out with her on the last night, expressing his disappointment etc... all that resulted in was crocodile tears and no hint of acknowledgement that she had done anything wrong.

Long story short: more than a year after that trip from hell, she announced that, as DC2 is due imminently, she wanted to come over again. DH said OK, and against my will I suggested that if she had to visit, it could be over Christmas as DH might have a bit more time off work to entertain her.
She called yesterday to announce that she had booked a THREE WEEK trip in February: a date we had never discussed or OK'd - we already have friends coming to stay in Feb - and when DH said she should have checked first, she started yelling at him, telling him he should be over the moon that she is coming over (the woman is delusional) and that she should be able to visit whenever she wants.

DH - fo reasons known only to himself - then said: 'Well if you come over at Christmas I will pay for your airfare' - that is $1500! And I will have a six-week-old baby: I am paying money we can't afford to be tortured?

I was very angry with DH but he explained to me that, even though he knows she is difficult, she is the only family he has (he rarely speaks to his bio dad) and that putting up with her visits once every couple of years is something he feels we have to do to maintain any kind of relationship. I do understand his position; he had a very difficult upbringing (all down to her!) but we are pretty much alone in this country and he doesn't want our kids to have no extended family, either.

WWYD? I am seriously dreading the thought of her visit more than my impending labor, but I don't want to give DH the 'her or me' ultimatum. I know exactly how her visit is going to go, and I'm already having nightmares about it. Help!

[m448]

All you can do is damage control and set boundaries for yourself/the grandkids. Your DH as the son will eventually come to terms on his own that his mother is a piece of work. It's typical for the actual child to hold onto hope that someday their parent will actually act like a normal parent and cut more slack than any other person would. But don't rush that because it will just backfire into a situation where he will feel like he has to defend her. Just step back, let the drama unfold, protect yourself and your kids but let him see her for what she is.

[kara97210]

I'm so sorry:hug:, your MIL sounds like a total nightmare. On a positive note, it could be worse, she could live next door.

Agree with PP that you should set boundries when it comes to you and the kids and let your husband draw his own guidelines when it comes to his mom. If he wants to pay to have her come over Christmas (for 1 week only), I would go along with it, but tell him next time they arrange travel you want to decide the timing, duration and if you will pay for her travel, as a couple first. The worst thing that can happen is for her to get between you as a couple, which is what will happen if he makes plans with her without getting your buy off.

Good luck! Definitely vent in the bitching post here during her visit, I'm sure she'll do about a million annoying things.

[gatorsmom]

I'd be the heavy on this one. I would tell DH that she can stay 5 days and absolutely no more. And I'd remind him that once she arrives he will thank me for insisting on a shorter stay.

[SoloMelody]

Sounds a lot like my MIL - except she has always been with one man and has no money (read cannot buy her won ticket). Selfish to the core and non-trusting. Does not like me and gave DH a hard time when he said he was marrying me.

It took DH 3-4 years to come to grips and understand that his mother is emotionally unstable, selfish and delusional.......

I know $1500 is a lot, but I would take a week during christmas over 3 weeks some other time. Shorter visits = less stress and tension.

I am sure BBB can help you save some money with christmas shopping etc! It might not be $1500 but it will help.

[Nicsmom]

I am so sorry. My MIL is similar to yours and the situation in general is very similar. As in your case, she lives abroad, so I don't see her often. If I did I probably would have divorced DH. Anyhow, I agree that 1 week during Christmas, with your husband taking time off from work, is much better than 3 weeks with him at work most of the time.

I also agree with the boundaries suggestion.

[twotimesblue]

Unfortunately she won't come for just a week as it is a 16-hour trip... she wouldn't go for anything under 2 weeks, which is like a lifetime to me! I guess I am ultra worried this time as I had a very difficult recovery after DS's birth and am anticipating the same... being exhausted, hormonal and having her to deal with sounds like a recipe for disaster.

As PP said, DH will never give up on her as her abusive ways are 'normal' to him. He would never accept her behavior from anyone else. Sigh. My own family is dysfunctional enough - I never thought I'd marry into one even worse :crying:

[amatahrain]

Is she planning to stay with you or get a hotel room in Feb?

[twotimesblue]

Is she planning to stay with you or get a hotel room in Feb?

She would be staying with us, unfortunately. She would be take huge offense if we told her to stay elsewhere (and as she pleads poverty, we would have to pay... something we definitely can't afford on top of the airfare)

[JBaxter]

She would be staying with us, unfortunately. She would be take huge offense if we told her to stay elsewhere (and as she pleads poverty, we would have to pay... something we definitely can't afford on top of the airfare)

Sorry but she should have OK'd the dates. 7 days MAX in your home. Or can you go visit your family?

[Philly Mom]

I like my ILs and having them here 6 weeks pp was a challenge. Things that helped:

I sent DH on errands with his parents
I came up with activities they could do outside the house (ie go see that battlefield) and we gave them a car for it.
I used DD as an excuse of why I had to do x.

Good luck and make DH get her out of the house.

[MamaMolly]

Dearest, your MIL would be over the moon thrilled to know that you are dreading her visit and getting wound up about it. I wouldn't let her win if I were you. My FIL has spent the last 14 years making nasty, snide, mean comments about me, my appearance, home, personality, etc. so I know it is easier said than done, but BELIEVE me, if you can train your self to not care (or to at least act like you don't care) you will come out way ahead of the game.

I'd misunderstand every ugly comment she makes. She digs at you about dust? Cheerfully accept her offer to help out and hand her a dust rag and a can of Pledge and then leave the room. I did something very similar when FIL pointed out that MIL hand washed her copper bottom pots (oooooh la-la!) as I was loading ours into the dishwasher. I suggested he was welcome to invite his wife to come hand wash mine. ;)

As tortuous as having her there will be, remember you can leave the room to change the baby, nurse or feed the baby, or put the baby down for a nap. I used to have to take Lula for frequent naps and changes while dealing with my SIL.

The most helpful thing I find is to tell myself over and over again that I will not let FIL get to me. He cannot hurt me if I don't let him. The most recent nasty comment was about a new haircut photo I'd posted on FB. He made a point to email and tell me it made me look heavier. After drafting and deleting several scathing responses, I decided the best thing I could do would be to not respond. He likes stirring up trouble so I took his fun away. I hope you can get the same satisfaction with your MIL!

Ugh, at least it is only every few years!!

[OKKiddo]

This is LONG, so apologies in advance!

To cut a veeeery long story short, I truly have the MIL from hell. She is the MOST selfish, unpleasant woman I have ever encountered, and it still mystifies me as to how DH came from her womb. To give a few examples of her extreme selfishness: she left her husband (DH's dad) when DH was 2 to take off with another man; took in this man's 4 kids and proceeded to change DH's name to a wacky, hippy name that resulted in years of teasing; made him move school 12 TIMES (and move house over 20 times) before he hit his teens, preventing him from making friends or doing well academically; turned a blind eye when his 'step-dad' (they never married) used corporal punishment and physical abuse on DH, singling him out as he was the only one out of the 5 that wasn't his biologically. DH left home at 16 and moved, literally, to the other side of the world (we met in Europe): even though her only son was thousands of miles away she would call, at most, twice a year (and even then would spend the entire conversation boasting about how well her furniture business was doing etc, never asking about him).

She now lives in Bali with her new, much younger husband (she is no longer on speaking terms with her step-kids, and her bio daughter has a very fractious relationship with her). Every time I see her she makes snide comments - "Oh, is dusting not a big deal in America?" and does obnoxious things like rearranges all my furniture because she thinks she has much better taste. She has never concealed her dislike of me despite the fact that I made huge efforts to pander to her in the early days.

My DS is her only grandchild; she NEVER calls/Skypes him and he has no idea who she is. She came to visit once, when he was 14 months old, and her visit was intolerable: she made me cry on several occasions and she practically ignored DS: she spent most of her trip shopping for her dogs (she pleads poverty, since her business went bankrupt, but spent over $500 on dog toys and hundreds more on clothes for herself and her husband... She bought NOTHING for DS).
We prepared meals most nights, but she would say she and her DH had already eaten and stay in their room, whispering and creating a huge atmosphere. DS didn't bond with her at all and my DH was so upset by her behavior he had it out with her on the last night, expressing his disappointment etc... all that resulted in was crocodile tears and no hint of acknowledgement that she had done anything wrong.

Long story short: more than a year after that trip from hell, she announced that, as DC2 is due imminently, she wanted to come over again. DH said OK, and against my will I suggested that if she had to visit, it could be over Christmas as DH might have a bit more time off work to entertain her.
She called yesterday to announce that she had booked a THREE WEEK trip in February: a date we had never discussed or OK'd - we already have friends coming to stay in Feb - and when DH said she should have checked first, she started yelling at him, telling him he should be over the moon that she is coming over (the woman is delusional) and that she should be able to visit whenever she wants.

DH - fo reasons known only to himself - then said: 'Well if you come over at Christmas I will pay for your airfare' - that is $1500! And I will have a six-week-old baby: I am paying money we can't afford to be tortured?

I was very angry with DH but he explained to me that, even though he knows she is difficult, she is the only family he has (he rarely speaks to his bio dad) and that putting up with her visits once every couple of years is something he feels we have to do to maintain any kind of relationship. I do understand his position; he had a very difficult upbringing (all down to her!) but we are pretty much alone in this country and he doesn't want our kids to have no extended family, either.

WWYD? I am seriously dreading the thought of her visit more than my impending labor, but I don't want to give DH the 'her or me' ultimatum. I know exactly how her visit is going to go, and I'm already having nightmares about it. Help!

I would say that you should stay for only 2-3 days and then go visit your parents (or someone that you love and want to spend time with). It's his mom, he can put up with it without torturing you.

[gatorsmom]

Sorry but she should have OK'd the dates. 7 days MAX in your home. Or can you go visit your family?
:yeahthat: I wouldn't care if she insisted on 2 weeks. She can stay somewhere else for the second week. Maybe she can spend that week shopping for her dogs. Your house, your rules.

[edurnemk]

I'm so sorry you'll have to put up with her, but at least DH will be around more than in Feb, so maybe that was part of his reasoning?

Things that I did to limit the amount of time I spent with the IL's when they were visiting after the birth of my kids:

1. Go into my room to nurse the baby (I'm shy and don't like to nurse in front of people.. at least that's what I told my MIL!), which with DS took around 45 min and he nursed every 2 hours (MIL b!itched about it to DH, but who cares what she thinks). Those breaks preserved my sanity.

2. I made a point of commenting on how I hadn't recovered entirely and was achy, and my Dr. had restricted certain activities (doesn't have to be all true), so I got to stay home while they went out with DH (shopping, sightseeing, etc.). When DD was born, they'd take DS with them, so I genuinely got a chance to rest while DD napped.

3. DH organized a lot of outings to minimize the time they spent in the house.

4. When they were being very annoying, I'd take a looong bathroom break.

I agree with MamaMolly, don't let her get to you. I know it's not easy, especially during pp, but it's the only thing you can do. Also, try not to stress about it from here until Xmas, it's not good for you or your baby.

[georgiegirl]

Ugh, I'm stressed out for you. My ILs live in Europe and when they come, they stay for a few weeks, and the whole trip I'm driven insane...and they aren't bad people, just really annoying and make small digs here and there. Part of me thinks you should tell your DH that it doesn't work for you to have a houseguest (who is critical and selfish) when you have a newborn. It's easier said than done to just suck it up for those two weeks.

[twotimesblue]

[QUOTE: Maybe she can spend that week shopping for her dogs. [/QUOTE] :ROTFLMAO:

I wish I could make myself scarce, but my family are in Europe so a last-minute trip back (with a 6 week old and 2-year-old) isn't really an option. DH says he'll be able to spend more time with her around Christmas but as he is self employed and always crazy busy (70+ hour weeks) I know he won't be able to down tools and hang with her. Plus, she's such an interfering old boot, she will be trying to wrench the baby from my arms to tell me everything I'm doing wrong (because, apparently, she was the perfect mother :hopmad:)

I mentioned her staying less than 2 weeks to DH tonight and he got very defensive, saying she would freak out (she wanted to come for 3 weeks) and the only excuse he could give for a shorter stay is: 'My wife despises you', which is obviously going to effectively end his relationship with her. I feel like I'm in a very difficult position: her coming out 6 weeks postpartum, when I'm hormonal and exhausted, is only going to lead to disaster, and big rows between DH and I, when we're trying to adjust to our new expanded family, and get my 2-year-old DS settled with his sibling.
The only alternative is telling DH to cut her out of his life, which isn't really an option. I wish I could just disappear for the duration of her visit, but I wouldn't want DS to be in her toxic presence without having me there to protect him.

[California]

It sounds like your MIL is effectively holding your DH hostage to her wishes by threat of temper tantrum. Does he get anxious about dealing with her?

To me your focus, as hard as it is, should be on your DH. The real challenge here is working together as a team.

In this scenario the $1500 would be better spent on therapy for your DH to get him to the point that he can decide, with you, what seems reasonable and fair in relation to his mother. Not based on her temper tantrums, but based on meeting your own needs. Figure out what he can live with. And then live by those standards no matter how his mother responds. Her drama = her choice, your actions/reactions are yours. But since it sounds like your DH isn't quite there yet. For now, I highly recommend getting the book Nonviolent Communication: A Language for Life and following the suggestions in there for neutrally acknowledging your DH's concerns. Basically validate the heck out of him :-) without actually agreeing with him-- staying very neutral. When he feels completely and totally heard, his anxiety will start to diminish and you two can begin to discuss this together. If he's getting anxious, it may be that a part of him is sort of reverting to being a kid again-- which is normal- we all do this in some ways. However calm and supportive you can stay will help him. It may help him if you gently remind him that he's talking to you, not his mother, that you love him and you two are a team.

Also, in regards to buying her a ticket-- he could be partly honest. It's fair to say, "I should have checked with my wife first, we don't have the cash for that right now." If she already purchased one to come out, the airline may be willing to apply some of that money towards a different flight- especially this far in advance.

Hope some of this helps. Baby's first Christmas too-- sucks she's putting this cloud over it!! You are totally justified to be concerned and smart to put a lot of thought into this.

[hellokitty]

Can you delay her visit? Just tell her that after some thought, maybe it would be better if she visits next summer. It could buy you more time and you can hope that maybe she will get distracted by something else and her trip gets further delayed. I feel for you. I have a monster in law as well. However, she lives an hr away, so the good part about that is that she rarely stays overnight.

[Naranjadia]

I guess I am ultra worried this time as I had a very difficult recovery after DS's birth and am anticipating the same...



I wish I could make myself scarce

Not that I'm wishing another difficult recovery for you, but I'm wondering if you can use recovery as an excuse to give yourself breaks from MIL. She doesn't seem interested in DS, but as a precaution, are there friends who could stop by and take him for a spell during the visit? If it's two weeks, you'll certainly need some escapes, and you have the perfect reason to need to "rest."

[npace19147]

IMO three weeks in Feb where she pays for the ticket might be better than two weeks in Dec with you paying for her ticket. You'll have two more months to recover and come up with plans for dealing with her. Therapy for you and your DH to give you both the strength to work as a team against her manipulating ways would be a great idea, and probably less than $1500. Take the rest of the $1500 and plan a trip for several days to somewhere else in the US for just MIL and DH - let him deal with her alone!

[NJ_Mom2011]

Take the rest of the $1500 and plan a trip for several days to somewhere else in the US for just MIL and DH - let him deal with her alone!

Absolutely. Besides the excuse everyone mentioned before about post-partum tiredness, you can claim that you are leaving MIL and DH alone so they can have "special mother-son bonding time."

When baby has an especially poopy diaper, I know who you should volunteer to change it. :rotflmao:

[bisous]

I'm so sorry. That sounds horrible. If it were me, I could not allow that. Not because I don't want to support my DH in whatever he needs but because I really truly feel like I couldn't handle it. Those first few months post partum are doozies for me and during the holidays no less!

I applaud you. You have a surprisingly good attitude about it. I really hope you find a solution.

[Tondi G]

I think you should tell DH that he needs to retract his offer to pay for her ticket for a visit during the holidays. He can just tell her that upon researching prices and checking in with his wife that it really isn't the best time to have house guests for lengthy visits and is too costly. If you really don't have the money, you don't have the money. Your MIL should understand that a visit during the holidays with a brand new baby is not optimal. Personally I think having her come in February as originally planned is a better option ... maybe he can convince her that she should cut to back to 2 weeks instead of 3. She should be able to change her ticket with this much notice.

I would not want to be in your shoes right now. Not really sure what in the world your DH was thinking. Hope you can work it out. Good Luck!

[citymama]

My BP is boiling just reading this post. Your MIL is out of line but I think your DH needs to get with the program too. You will be post partum and have a newborn and older kid to handle. Nobody should have to deal with this woman without at least 3 drinks -- and that's too much for a BFing mom. ;)

But seriously, your well-being comes first, period. Heck, I have the most helpful mom around and even I was firm about setting limits around her visit at the time of DD2's birth (she didn't really listen but that's another story). She needs to reschedule her trip (ideally to a time when you can flee with the kids), and your DH needs to be able to stand up to her on this one. She may be his closest relative but he is responsible now for his wife, child and soon to be newborn baby.

[twotimesblue]

[QUOTE=citymama She needs to reschedule her trip (ideally to a time when you can flee with the kids), and your DH needs to be able to stand up to her on this one.[/QUOTE]

The problem is DH says he REALLY wants to give her one last chance to see if she bonds with DS (and the new baby), so he wants to see her in our environment, rather than take her off on day trips etc. Neither of our dads are really in the picture so DS only has one grandparent to speak of - my mom - and she lives thousands of miles away. I can see DH's point in wanting our kids to have family outside of our own little unit, even though I KNOW MIL is not capable of changing (and has never shown any remorse for her behavior).

I also know that DH has to come to that conclusion on his own, though, and he insists that if she messes up this trip then she will never be welcome in our home again, and his relationship with her will be limited to phone calls only. Whether he'll stick with that is another thing, but I have to take him at his word?

DH's logic for offering to pay for her trip over Christmas was that he will be less busy with work that he will be in February, so can be around more to take the stress off me, and also that there will be more 'distractions' at that time of year to try and lighten the whole situation.

I am TRYING to see his point, as he is a very good person and he is most definitely torn as to what to do. I DO want him to stand up to her, but her personality type is such that if you say something she doesn't want to hear, she cuts you dead (hence all her step kids being totally out of her life now) rather than trying to reach a compromise or even talk things over. Every time he's confronted her over the smallest thing she flips out and upsets him (it takes a lot to upset DH!)

Telling DH "it's her or me", which is what my instincts tell me to do, will hurt him greatly, and cause conflict between us... he's Australian, and they don't really do the whole 'talk about your feelings' thing over there: he would just bottle it up and I know, from my own family, that repressed emotions are dangerous.

Ugh. It's all so stressful... I want to be a good, supportive wife to DH, and give DS the opportunity of having another grandma in his life, but I truly just wish she wasn't part of our lives. DH and I both have such dreadful extended families and I pity our kids for being born into such dysfunction on both sides. They deserve better :(

[Nicsmom]

I think these are all great suggestions:






Things that I did to limit the amount of time I spent with the IL's when they were visiting after the birth of my kids:

1. Go into my room to nurse the baby (I'm shy and don't like to nurse in front of people.. at least that's what I told my MIL!), which with DS took around 45 min and he nursed every 2 hours (MIL b!itched about it to DH, but who cares what she thinks). Those breaks preserved my sanity.

2. I made a point of commenting on how I hadn't recovered entirely and was achy, and my Dr. had restricted certain activities (doesn't have to be all true), so I got to stay home while they went out with DH (shopping, sightseeing, etc.). When DD was born, they'd take DS with them, so I genuinely got a chance to rest while DD napped.

3. DH organized a lot of outings to minimize the time they spent in the house.

4. When they were being very annoying, I'd take a looong bathroom break.

[fedoragirl]

I think everyone has given you some excellent advice. However, I do understand how you cannot get out of this visit. At least, that's what all your posts convey. If it were me, I would definitely want the visit when I had fully recovered or when baby was 6 months old or something. I just couldn't deal with someone so stressful post-partum and I would have made DH change the offer to a later date. But I am guessing the plans are now set and you have to deal with the aftermath.
I think the above suggestions are great. Wish you could leave DS with MIL and go somewhere with your newborn but you don't want that happening, understandably.
You could also schedule tons of doctor's appts. during this time....mythical or real. And I wouldn't give any heads up about your day to day plans. Just head out the door and say where you're going and you'll be back later. I know controlling people who want to know where you're going, whether they can come, etc.etc. Best to do your own thing unless you're required to play host too.

[mommyoftwo]

I too have a monster MIL and we made the decision that she is no longer allowed in our home even thought she is only 2.5 hours away. Fortunately my husband and I are on the same page about dealing with her and he always chooses me over her. But learning how to deal with her has involved a lot of counseling/therapy visits for us. If there is any way at all you get get your husband to come to a few therapy appointments, I think it would be hugely useful in helping you and your husband to come to some mutual agreements in dealing with his mother. Even if it's just strategies on how to deal with her when she's there. It's so helpful to be on the same page about it.

[speo]

If there is any way at all you get get your husband to come to a few therapy appointments, I think it would be hugely useful in helping you and your husband to come to some mutual agreements in dealing with his mother. Even if it's just strategies on how to deal with her when she's there. It's so helpful to be on the same page about it.

:yeahthat: Is this possible? While I understand why your husband wants his mom to come for a visit, I do think this puts you in a terrible position. I wouldn't want anyone to come stay with us with a 6 wk old and xmas, much less a VERY difficult MIL. I would have said no. But since this seems to be such a difficult/touchy subject for you guys I think counseling would really help you both. This situation is really unfair to you most especially because of the timing.

Lots of hugs and strength!!

[twotimesblue]

Thanks all for the advice, and support. I can't really talk to anyone IRL about this and it definitely helps to vent. DH is going to call MIL tonight to discuss the trip so I am very anxious as to how that's going to go. Fingers crossed all the flights will sell out between now and then!

[babyonbrain]

I also do not get on well with my MIL though she is not as bad as yours.
My husband also used to behave in a way similar to yours.

I would ask that your husband ask your MIL to move her visit to a time that is better suited to your schedule and shorten it to a reasonable amount of time. If he refuses, you need to have a discussion about what marriage is about.

I would also suggest that you have him rescind the offer to pay for her airfare and take that $1500 and spend it on therapy for your husband to deal with his unhealthy need to seek his mother's approval, especially at the expense of the wishes of his wife.

Good luck.

[Mommy_Again]

I would also suggest that you have him rescind the offer to pay for her airfare and take that $1500 and spend it on therapy for your husband to deal with his unhealthy need to seek his mother's approval, especially at the expense of the wishes of his wife.
Good luck.

I strongly agree with the above, BUT . . . I understand the dilemma you are in, wanting to be supportive to your DH. Since he has expressed a "last chance" outlook on this visit, I think you need to bite the bullet and let him go through the inevitable dissapointment and hurt that will stem from her trip. If, after a horrible trip, he wants to do it again in the future, then I think you have every right to tell him how you feel - that you sucked it up last time for his sake, but it was extremely painful for you to do it at all, much less so soon after giving birth. How it is hurtful that he is putting her selfish actions above his own wife's desires, etc.

As for timing, my vote is for December for two reasons. 1, your DH will be around more to deal with her (and see her for what she's worth), and 2, it will be much easier for you to "hide" as 6 weeks post-partum. You really don't need an excuse so close after having a baby to need quiet time (to feed, console an upset baby, etc). A few more months into it, and you might be expected to have your routine down a little more.

Good luck. This is a tough situation and I hope your DH can come to realize that just because she carried him for 9 months, doesn't mean she is a mother.

[dogmom]

You have gotten good advice from many posters. A strategy I employ in situations like this is just decide the person is mentally ill and/or brain damaged and just accept it. It sounds harsh, but if I just go with the theory there is something fundamentally wrong with people like this I find that I don't expect them to change, I just cope with the behavior by limiting its impact on me, and I don't get as resentful or worked up. It's not an excuse thing, just an acceptance of reality. I also find solace in putting away the most insane situations in a box marked, "Interesting cocktail party conversations." Because often these stories can be very funny when delivered later in a non-bitter way. "And then my MIL....... after she had just........and all I could think of was I must be in some weird reality show." I find it a good way to cope. The people at work are always now asking me about my latest crazy MIL story.

[gatorsmom]

You have gotten good advice from many posters. A strategy I employ in situations like this is just decide the person is mentally ill and/or brain damaged and just accept it. It sounds harsh, but if I just go with the theory there is something fundamentally wrong with people like this I find that I don't expect them to change, I just cope with the behavior by limiting its impact on me, and I don't get as resentful or worked up. It's not an excuse thing, just an acceptance of reality. I also find solace in putting away the most insane situations in a box marked, "Interesting cocktail party conversations." Because often these stories can be very funny when delivered later in a non-bitter way. "And then my MIL....... after she had just........and all I could think of was I must be in some weird reality show." I find it a good way to cope. The people at work are always now asking me about my latest crazy MIL story.

This is really good advice.

[cvanbrunt]

A strategy I employ in situations like this is just decide the person is mentally ill and/or brain damaged and just accept it. It sounds harsh, but if I just go with the theory there is something fundamentally wrong with people like this I find that I don't expect them to change, I just cope with the behavior by limiting its impact on me, and I don't get as resentful or worked up. It's not an excuse thing, just an acceptance of reality. I also find solace in putting away the most insane situations in a box marked, "Interesting cocktail party conversations." Because often these stories can be very funny when delivered later in a non-bitter way. "And then my MIL....... after she had just........and all I could think of was I must be in some weird reality show." I find it a good way to cope. The people at work are always now asking me about my latest crazy MIL story.

This is exactly what I do! My step-MIL is the most hateful, bigoted, racist, awful person I have ever met. I remind myself that she has been struck by lightening twice (true) and had multiple rounds of ECT several decades ago. She clearly has frontal lobe damage. As my mom said once "she's limited". It helps, but I still won't let my children near her. So perhaps you can think of your MIL as suffering from a personality disorder and pity her losses.

[hellokitty]

I agree with dogmom. At a certain point, you just have to accept that the person is mentally ill and treat them accordingly. Give up the idea that they will ever change or be who you think they should be. I love the idea of storing the crazy mil (or any crazy relative) stories for interesting cocktail stories. My friends love to hear my mil stories. She is a total nut job and I do treat her as if she is mentally ill. It has helped me to cope with the fact that it's her, not me and that she will never change since she is sick. I also no longer engage at all with my mil unless absolutely necessary. It really helps to keep her from getting under my skin when I don't give her a chance to say something mean or stupid.

[dogmom]

This is exactly what I do! My step-MIL is the most hateful, bigoted, racist, awful person I have ever met. I remind myself that she has been struck by lightening twice (true) and had multiple rounds of ECT several decades ago. She clearly has frontal lobe damage. As my mom said once "she's limited". It helps, but I still won't let my children near her. So perhaps you can think of your MIL as suffering from a personality disorder and pity her losses.

OMG, I almost just peed my pants about the lightening thing. Then I got to the part about ECT. You win!

[Kira's Mommy]

This is exactly what I do! My step-MIL is the most hateful, bigoted, racist, awful person I have ever met. I remind myself that she has been struck by lightening twice (true) and had multiple rounds of ECT several decades ago. She clearly has frontal lobe damage. As my mom said once "she's limited". It helps, but I still won't let my children near her. So perhaps you can think of your MIL as suffering from a personality disorder and pity her losses.

:hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:

Thank you :rotflmao: I have to remember this when visiting my MIL this Christmas.

OP, I'm very sorry. Hugs.