4 year old social akwardness? Sadness, anxiety, etc.

[amldaley]

DD1 is 4 yrs old. She has always been a very bright, very intense and very sensitive child. She loves to interact with others and feel like she "belongs". She is an observant learner and shy of crowds and new situations, but she loves to be involved with interactive play once she warms up. The last few months have been a challenge. DD2 is 7 months old. She requires some extra time and attention for health issues. We moved in June, then spent a month over the summer visiting family.

Preschool began 4 weeks ago and is going really well. She has settled down, is in a good routine, etc. She had a bought last week where she would break down crying saying, "You don't want me" if I needed to leave her room to attend to DD2. She has been saying that no one likes her. She is worried the other kids won't like her outfit, hairbow, etc. She often has a hard time breaking in to group play at the playground saying "no one will play with me".

Today we had a picnic playdate with two other moms and their LO's. At first I did not believe DD1 that they would not let her play. But then I heard it and saw it myself, repeatedly. The one little girl was outright nasty to DD1. She was tapping her on the head with a long stick. I stopped her right as she was moving the stick in to DD1's face. DD1 can be very needy and nagging...following a kid she wants to play with, trying to get his/her attention. I could see she was annoying them but they were downright nasty to her.

She was very popular at her old preschool and had alot of good friends. Here, she seems to be the odd girl out. I want to believe this is all very normal - just a developmental phase, etc. But given how intense and sensitive DD1 already is, I am worried there is more to it.

Anyone BTDT? Advice? (I missed the sign ups for Fall dance and soccor, so we are limited to preschool and playgroups right now).

[Melbel]

DD1 is 4 yrs old. She has always been a very bright, very intense and very sensitive child. She loves to interact with others and feel like she "belongs". She is an observant learner and shy of crowds and new situations, but she loves to be involved with interactive play once she warms up. The last few months have been a challenge. DD2 is 7 months old. She requires some extra time and attention for health issues. We moved in June, then spent a month over the summer visiting family.

Preschool began 4 weeks ago and is going really well. She has settled down, is in a good routine, etc. She had a bought last week where she would break down crying saying, "You don't want me" if I needed to leave her room to attend to DD2. She has been saying that no one likes her. She is worried the other kids won't like her outfit, hairbow, etc. She often has a hard time breaking in to group play at the playground saying "no one will play with me".

Today we had a picnic playdate with two other moms and there LO's. At first I did not believe DD1 that they would not let her play. But then I heard it and saw it myself, repeatedly. The one little girls was outright nasty to DD1. She was tapping her on the head with a long stick. I stopped her right as she was moving the stick in to DD1's face. DD1 can be very needy and nagging...following a kid she wants to play with, trying to get his/her attention. I could see she was annoying them but they were downright nasty to her.

She was very popular at her old preschool and had alot of good friends. Here, she seems to be the odd girl out. I want to believe this is all very normal - just a developmental phase, etc. But given how intense and sensitive DD1 already is, I am worried there is more to it.

Anyone BTDT? Advice? (I missed the sign ups for Fall dance and soccor, so we are limited to preschool and playgroups right now).

Hugs for your sweet girl. Was the girl from the playground in her preschool? If so, I would give the teacher a heads up to keep an eye out the situation. Even if it is not, you may want to discuss your concerns with the preschool teacher before it spirals further. We have used other children's misbehavior as a learning opportunity (i.e. not to exclude other children; how did it make you feel…).

Can you schedule 1:1 play dates? It seems easier to navigate social situations this way.

Likewise, can you schedule any 1:1 time with just you and your DD1 and do something special?

[LMPC]

Hugs to you guys! I agree with Melbel...maybe help her warm up to your new digs with some 1:1 playdates (with kids you know are sweet). You guys have had a lot going on recently...move, new baby...it makes sense that she needs to get back into the swing of things. DD is sensitive as well and we are part of a mom's group that has a little clique of girls (I'm not saying this in a horrible way...they literally see each other every.single.day), so when we are at group playdates these girls always play together and exclude the other kids. I've tried to use this as a teaching moment for DD in saying that not everyone is going to always like you....when you find people like that go find someone else to play with. (hmmm, trust me, it sounds less harsh when I say it IRL :P) And then we talk about people she likes and that like her.

I think this is a tough age because it seems to be when kids start caring who they play with KWIM? She seems to have the capacity for making friends, right? So maybe it's just going to take her a little bit to figure out how to navigate it all :)

[amldaley]

She quite likes another little girl in the class and there is a set of twins she gets along with really well. I think I may start getting involved in a Meet Up group. too and maybe CCD.

[wellyes]

I know from experience how hard it is to witness this kind of thing in your own young child. It hurts.

My situation is a little different because there is no one actively trying to make DD feel bad about herself now. There was a girl last year, who thankfully moved on to kindy. But at the time, it completely devastated her, and there is just no perfect way to handle that.

Over the summer, we worked on friendship and sharing skills. One book that absolutely fascinated DD was Join In & Play. It says pretty simple stuff that is obvious to us, but perhaps isn't to a preschooler. Like: if someone doesn't want to play with you right now, maybe you can play together later. It is important to be kind, and to listen to others. Stuff like that.

DD had a rough first week at preschool this year, but has really started to adjust, and I think a big part of it is that she's playing a lot with boys. Not a plan of hers or mine, just how it worked out, and it's been great. Not saying boys are better than girls, just, it really expands her social options. Plus I think boys are a little less put off by someone randomly joining in while loudly yammering away.

I don't think our challenges are over, but, I am happy to be in a nice place now. I'm not sure if I said anything helpful, but, wanted to share my experiences.

I wouldn't feel too bad about missing activities. We are in gymnastics and dance, and DD is friendly with the girls there, but not more so than she is with random kids at the playground. Just as long as her only social interaction is with a small group - as long as she has different worlds to travel in. CCD is a great idea. I joined a church recently partly to give my DD a Sunday school "tribe" of friends separate from her (very small) preschool class.

[mmommy]

I agree with pp about setting up 1:1 dates. Kids this age seem to "gang up" a bit. I've found the 1:1 dates have helped DD1 to feel more comfortable in larger groups, feeling like she is more included.

[amldaley]

Thanks, everyone. We just go the parent directory for preschool so I am going to try to set up a couple 1:1's, return to Little Gym, start CCD and we are Skyping tonight with her BFF who is in Hawaii. It turns out, he went through the same thing a couple of weeks ago. They just had such an unusual friendship for kids their age that I think adjusting to normal socialization is a bit difficult.

And Wellyes, I like the looks of that book and think I may order a couple of books in that series. Thanks so much for the recc!