How would you handle this on Facebook?

[PAfirsttimemom]

My cousin, his ex-wife, and his new wife are all on my friends' list. The ex and I haven't really had contact in years, and I make an effort to not post on her statuses (which are not that common anyway) because I figure that could be awkward for my cousin and his new wife. A while back the new wife had even gone as far as to ask my cousin if I would unfriend the ex or block her. My cousin felt awkward about asking this, but he didn't want his new wife to feel weird either. I sort of just let it drop and kept things as is. But just yesterday, both my cousin and the ex "liked" a photo I posted. This means the new wife saw that, too. I am thinking I need to do something, but I am not sure I want to get into doing those custom lists where I have to choose who sees what every time I post. Isn't that a big pain in the neck? Should I just unfriend the ex? Or restrict her (which would allow her to only see public info I have on FB)? I am thinking restricting might work, but when I went to do that, I couldn't figure out how to do it and was worried I would end up restricting all my friends and not just her. Does anyone know how to do this properly? WWYD in this situation?

[SnuggleBuggles]

Are you friends with the ex? Is there really a reason to keep her on at all? If you are still friends then I probably wouldn't change anything.

[wellyes]

I wouldn't defriend the ex just because his new wife is the jealous type.
But if there are other reasons (like they had a nasty divorce or there are custody issues) I'd side with family.

[AngB]

If you are friends with the ex, I'd just stay friends with everyone and let them deal with it like grown ups.

I'm FB friend's with my cousin's ex but not my cousin. (Ex girlfriend, not ex wife). His sister is friends with her too- they even still hang out. They dated for 10 years and he was mostly a jerk to her so most of us said "good for her, she deserved better" when they broke up. I'm not FB friends with him so he probably doesn't know (not because I've blocked him or turned it down, I've just never requested it nor has he), but if he did know and say something, I'd just shrug and tell him too bad.

[blisstwins]

She liked a picture. I don't know the details, but this seems silly on their part. I would not do anything.

[lhafer]

So they (or new wifey) is basically telling you who you can be friends with? Um, no. She can deal.

[sntm]

Depends on the situation. I'm FB friends with my sister's XH (as is she) but I was not comfortable sharing a friend with my XH after some computer spying on his part.

[mmommy]

If you are friends with the ex, I'd just stay friends with everyone and let them deal with it like grown ups.


:yeahthat: DH defriended his sisters ex when she asked him to. Now he misses out on all the photos of our nephews when they're with their dad. He's wishing he'd just stayed friends as refriending would be even more awkward.

[PAfirsttimemom]

If you are friends with the ex, I'd just stay friends with everyone and let them deal with it like grown ups.



This was the tack I had taken when they first made request that I not be friends with the ex. Figured everyone could just deal. My cousin even said to me that he was awkward asking me to not be friends with someone. Thing is, I really haven't had contact with the ex at all (other than seeing a few FB posts) since the two of them split. She requested that I be her friend after I had sat next to another family member at a wedding and asked how ex was doing in polite conversation. I hesitated on accepting the friend request at first, wondering whether it would bother my cousin, but I noticed that a few other friends of my cousin's were on her friends' list, so I said yes. My cousin and I post a lot on each other's statuses, and that means ex sees many of those comments, right? I just wonder if that is awkward for my cousin and especially the new wife. I'm not really friends with the ex, but I don't hold any kind of grudge against her either and kind of like seeing her pics of the kids every now and then and whatnot. But I'm thinking my family bond with my cousin and building the relationship with the new wife is more important.

[Snow mom]

I don't see what the big deal is. They both liked a cute photo you posted? So? There is no reason for you to unfriend the ex unless you don't want her on your friend list. I'm sure your cousin and his wife know she still exists whether she's on FB or not. It's not like he can have you push a button and she'll be gone from his life.

ETA: If your cousin is concerned that when you post on his status she can link through and see that status then he can change his settings so that his posts can be seen by friends only. Seriously though, if they are co-parenting I don't understand how contact through you on FB is all that big a deal. I'd keep her as a friend because she is at least partially raising your nieces/ nephews. I wouldn't put her on a list where she can't see your status--that's kind of like saying I want to be able to see what you are posting but don't trust you to be an adult about what I'm posting.

[AngB]

Ah, it's kinda different I think if she asked you to friend her after they were already split. But then again if her kids are also your cousin's kids and hence your family members, I'd probably stay friends with her . (Unless there are custody issues at play too--then definitely cut ties.)

You can limit what she sees, and only what she sees, by going to her profile and the box where it has the checkmark that you are friends. Then you can create your own list with your own settings for what she can and can't see, or there is already a default "restricted" list you can put her on. Only you should be able to see what list she is on and as long as you only put her on it, it shouldn't limit stuff for anyone else.

[queenmama]

This is one of the ugliest aspects of divorce. Not only are the spouses and kids divided, but family members on each side are split as well.

My sister was married for 20 years before hastily (she now admits) divorcing, and where does that leave us, his in-laws? He's still my brother in my mind, yet I'm "not supposed to" remain in contact with him or his family? It's just all wrong. :(

I would try to remain friends with the ex if possible and just filter/restrict her if that helps. But I think by doing so you might be cutting her off from the pleasure of keeping up with you and your kids.

[okinawama]

I see nothing wrong with your friendship with her (on Facebook or otherwise) and I'd leave things as they are.

[ha98ed14]

I see nothing wrong with your friendship with her (on Facebook or otherwise) and I'd leave things as they are.

:yeahthat: Unless YOU have a reason to not like/be friends with the ex, then keep it as it is. They don't have to "like" each other to be "friends" with you!

[PAfirsttimemom]

Thanks for the input. I guess my concern is not just with this one instance of them both "liking" my picture, but rather that my regular posts to my cousin will allow ex frequent access to my cousin and his wife's business. Am I overthinking?

[SnuggleBuggles]

They can tighten up their privacy controls on their end and, for the most part, they won't be in each other's business.