Immaturity in an 8yo. Suggestions? UPDATE

[lalasmama]

Update--

Thanks so much for all the input! It's so comforting seeing that there are other "young" kids, and that mine isn't "abnormally" young/immature! SO and I have talked about it a lot since yesterday. He was comforted by hearing that other moms aren't concerned about the perceived immaturity. We'll be calling her teacher tomorrow just to check in and see what she thinks. I don't think it's affecting her socially, but I'm not 100% sure. When I ask DD who she plays with at recess, it's usually a 4th grader, but at aftercare, its all 1st and 2nd graders according to DD's report.

I'm attempting to create some "independence" situations for her, where she's on her own instead of relying on me all the time. Nothing big--just like sending her next door to borrow a cup of sugar without me watching out the door (we live in a duplex, so "next door" is 10 feet away), letting her run around the playground while at her cousins' sports competitions, encouraging her to do things on her own more, paying at the Dollar Tree, getting her own drinks at the fast food restaurant. It's tough--I've always tried to make her life "easy," but she needs to learn to do things that are reasonable, and she was SOOO proud today when she got her own soda today.

We don't have cable, so she doesn't watch a lot of Disney/Nickelodeon, and has little idea who all those characters are, beyond our love for Disney/Pixar movies. I'm hoping that the AG doll will be kind of a "leveler" as far as having a common interest with other girls her age.

I'm thinking about asking about a social skills group. I had fought the idea (totally a "Not my kid!" moment), but SO pointed out that it doesn't mean it's a forever thing, and if it helps her make more friends, then what's bad about it? Realistically, I imagine there could be some other "young" kids in there, and I'm completely cool with her finding others like her to encourage a friendship!

Thanks again for all the support!
---------------------------------------------
(Sorry in advance for the length of this!)

We went out for a "family fun time" with my dad's wife's kids/families. My step-brother has an 8 year old DD as well. She's a month or two younger than my DD. Now, granted, she has an older cousin (12 or so) that's around a lot, and that has something to do with it, I think, but I realized quickly that DD is really young/immature compared to her step-cousin... but I know it's not just when compared to her cousin. It's with most kids her age.

Some of the differences were silly little things, like the cousin knew how to put on makeup and was wearing "Justice"-style clothes (ie, mini-tween/teen clothes). DD, despite watching me put on makeup several days a week, has never tried to put on makeup "nicely"--she just takes the eyeshadow and paints her face. Her WHOLE face. Not that I expect her to be applying makeup well at her age, but its more of the 3-year-old "I'm beautiful with red lipstick facial" instead of "I really tried to put on makeup! I put stuff on my eyes, my cheeks, and my lips, just like mom! Didn't I do a good job?" She's still loving her Hanna play dresses, and, as long as it's comfy, couldn't care what she's wearing.

Some of the differences were much "bigger" to me. DD never let go of my hand. The cousin was chatting with everyone, interacting with aunts/uncles/grandparents/cousins with equal comfort. DD only spoke when spoken to, and with 1-2 word answers. Some of it is a typical shyness, or maybe a learned shyness because I have social anxiety and get quiet until I'm comfortable with people.

DD's more comfortable with kids at least 1-2 years younger than her, and has been since she was maybe 5 or 6. When talking with SO, who's a special needs late-elementary-school teacher, he said that he definitely sees her as an "immature" 8 year old as well.

Other examples of her "youngness"--she still loves PBS kids shows like "Sid the Science Kid" and "Super-Why" and is only newly "interactive" with them (ie, speaking out the answers). She's still very much about her baby dolls being babies; no school play or such. We're buying her some AG-style dolls for Christmas, hoping to encourage some "older" scenario playing. She still LOVES her FP Loving Family dollhouse, and has little care about moving up to Barbies/Barbie doll house. She only just started showering by herself. She doesn't ask to have kids from school come over, or to go over to school friends' homes. Sunday School has a few kids much older, and a few that are 2 years younger. Her after-school care is K-5th, so she is exposed to slightly older kids there (and hangs out with a few kids that are in 1st, 2nd, and occasionally their siblings who are in 4th or 5th, but not routinely playing with the older ones).

SO was gently hinting that I may be babying her because she's going to likely be my only child, and I don't want her to grow up "too" fast. I'm not denying that possibility at all; I generally believe kids these days are growing up too fast. ... In my effort to keep DD young, though, I think I may have let her stay "too young."

So, any suggestions on how to help her mature a little bit?

[scrooks]

Maybe some people with older kids can chime in (my dd is only 5) but I don't think any of the things you descibe are ridiculous for an 8 year old. My sitters dd is the same age as your dd and I don't think she is too picky about clothes yet (her 11 dd that just started middle school is really picky). She likes tween things but still plays with my 5 year old. I personally would be worried about her growing up too fast versus too slow....

[sntm]

Agreed. Be thankful! DS1 is 9 and still loves playing dress up, creating wizard cauldrons, playing with toys. He does some older boys things like Lego star wars, Pokemon, some popular music, but he's mostly still a kid.
As long as there is no teasing involved, let her grow up slowly

[sarahsthreads]

I don't find any of that worrisome at all. My (nearly) 8 year old has never tried to put on makeup (I don't wear it and only have dance recital stuff in the house) but when she tries to put on chapstick she smears it everywhere. She's only recently started showering on her own. And I only *just* got her to wear something other than yoga pants to school. (After refusing to wear jeans for her whole entire life, she's suddenly discovered that they have pockets. I liked it much better when I didn't have to check yet another person's pockets for things while doing laundry.)

She's FAR more comfortable playing with kids the grade below hers than her own peers. She's still very much into baby doll play (but does like Barbies and is saving up for an American Girl historical doll.) She does prefer "older" PBS shows like Wild Kratts and Cyberchase, but I think a lot of that is trying to stay separate from her "baby" sister who does watch Super Why, etc.

I think if you want to help her mature a bit, maybe try some playdates with her age level peers. Maybe introduce her to slightly older TV shows. But I don't think you really need to unless you're concerned that there will be social ramifications down the line?

Sarah :)

[niccig]

That doesn't sound immature, for me that would be behaviour I expect from younger kids. If it's just her interests that are younger, I call that a young 8 year old. If it's not hurting her socially and she has same-aged friends, then I wouldn't worry too much. I could see that if all her classmates watch different shows, have different interests it could limit her social interactions with them.

My DS is 8 in December and we don't let him watch some TV shows/movies like the Avengers. I do know other boys in his class have seen them. Advice from a friend (child psychologist) was to have DS read the comic book or watch the cartoon on TV. Then he knows the characters and general story line so he can participate in playground discussions. Another friend does this with iCarly. Her DDs (10 and 7) aren't allowed to watch it, but they know who's who and have some iCarly things.

If you do want to foster more independence you can do that with her showering by herself, getting her own things ready, letting her ask for things at the store (with you close by). I wouldn't rush the clothes or makeup (I think 8 is way too young for that) and would only have older TV shows you're OK with and limit the ones that you think are too old.

[EllasMum]

OP, you could have been describing my 7 yo DD. My DD has a cousin who is only 8 months older than her, but this cousin likes much more 'grown-up' shows and seems to play more with Barbies and other dolls like Monster High etc. Cousin also likes to watch older-kid movies and just generally seems much more mature. Cousin also happens to be a younger sister, which I think contributes to the perceived greater maturity. I'm not saying all younger siblings seem more mature, but I think for some kids it does work that way. OTOH, I know other younger siblings who end up skewing younger because they are babied. I just kind of go with the flow with DD - she is starting to slowly make wardrobe choices which are a bit more mature but still loves to play babies and watches Backyardigans, Rolie-Polie-Olie, and other preschool-type shows. Meh. I am ok with the younger/immature choices. For now. :)

[lilycat88]

That pretty much describes my 8 year old 3rd grader. She wore a playdress today to a birthday party, went to Justice to buy the birthday girl a present while announcing she didn't like the clothes at Justice, is happy watching Strawberry Shortcake on Netflix, can play with kids younger than her with no problem, loves her dolls and little playsets like littlest Pet Shop and Pound Puppies, has zero interest in make-up or clothes, etc.

She's a young 8 year old and a young 3rd grader. She's almost always the youngest one in her class so she is around "older" kids and older "acting" kids. She's just happy the way she is.

Your DD is who she is. Don't feel pressured to push her into being more "mature" just because she's not acting older. There is plenty of time for all of those things. If it's not bothering her, don't let it bother you.

[PunkyBoo]

Can Punkin be Lala's friend??;) He is 8.5 and despite being among the older kids in his 3rd grade class, he prefers "younger" interests. He is an avid reader but has no interest in Harry Potter subject matter. He never cared for or about Legos. He loves to watch and play sports but also loves Dinosaur Train, Super Why, and Curious George with his brother. He prefers stuffed animals to almost any other toy or game. Heck, he literally just saw Finding Nemo tonight for the first time because it used to be too scary for him (and tonight he loved it.) Last year an annoying obnoxious kid in his class teased him a big for talking about Curious George so we got him into some "older" shows like Wild Kratts. We also let him buy some Moshi Monster cards when he showed an interest. He connects best with younger kids too. I say let her go at her own pace and go ahead and indulge her just a bit if she expresses interest in what the "older" kids are into. But don't worry for now!

[belovedgandp]

I have an 8 1/2 YO son, so a bit different on some things, but similar in many ways. It is just who he is. Until it starts causing him social issues with his peers I'll be more concerned. But for now I tend to follow his leads for what interests him. When he talks about something new he heard at school we talk about and may start reading those books or watching that show. That's how Phineas and Ferb came into my life a little over a year ago. We've both survived that just fine.

DS1 has a lot of tension with things being "scary" - so many shows and movies get way too tense for him. While he'd never make it through any of the Star Wars feature films he has read shorter books, some books formed more like non-fiction about the ships, and played the Lego Wii game, so he can follow and participate in those playground conversations mentioned above.

[MelissaTC]

I wouldn't worry too much about it. My DS is 10 and still holds my hand to cross the street. He will sometimes just hold my hand while we are walking out and about. He is obsessed with Minecraft and after that, Legos, Hot Wheels and his favorite show is "Scooby Doo"! He could care less what he wears, as long as it is comfortable. I'm good with that. He still loves to be with us but does like to spend time with his friends.

[Momit]

I think your DD sounds like a normal girl her age, and it seems sad that so many other kids are growing up so fast. My DS is only 4, but he is in a similar situation - he loves Thomas but all his preschool buddies are into Transformers.

[KrisM]

I'm happily buying DD (6.5) larger sized dress up clothes for Christmas this year. I want her to be a younger 8 year old :). I am happy she's still interested in most of the same things she has been for a couple of years.

[fivi2]

I don't see anything alarming in what you posted. However, if you trust your SO's opinion, and if he has a background that gives him perspective, then you might want to discuss your concerns with her teacher or guidance counselor. See what other adults who know her well observe in other contexts. I know some others have posted about social skills classes with elementary aged kiddos that have done a lot for them.

I guess it sounds like you have a few hesitations and an outside party with a background in child development has also mentioned the same concerns. I would definitely follow up with other adults who know her well.

But again, none of the things you posted would bother me. I am just assuming there are other things as well that are more difficult to convey on a message board!

[ha98ed14]

Well, my 5 y.o. still *asks* to watch Wonder Pets. I'm not sure she realizes that that's a bit off, but if she's happy, I just go with it.

And to your SO, so what if you are babying her because she's your only? What of it? ;)

[Melaine]

I agree that this not about maturity. I would call her less jaded than some of her peers. This could even be a sign of her being more independent and less influenced by others. My girls are almost 6 and the other day one of them said something very excited about "choo choo trains". I was thinking, wow I hope no one makes fun of them for this. They still play kitchen, dress-up, BAB, and make believe they are animals. This morning they chose to watch Curious George. I think all of this is totally normal, but some kids have grown up a little faster in their tastes whether it's personality, siblings, peers, whatever.

[newnana]

Agreed with all pps this is not about maturity.

DD still loves Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. She makes me promise not to tell because "nobody else in the entire school likes it, not even the kindergarteners!"

For DD, those younger shows are comforting. She knows all the answers. She knows there won't be scary parts and she won't be embarrased because she's the only ones that's scared.

Violence in kids shows is pretty darned scary. Ursula from Little Mermaid? Nightmare city. But most of her peers have seen these movies a thousand times and it doesn't bother them. It bothers DD. And she hates to feel left out, but doesn't understand why scary is supposed to be fun. I tend to agree.

She is the last one in her class still interested in dress up and fairies and princesses.

Most of the kids in her class are at least 8 months older than her and that has made it challenging, especially because they are all significantly younger sibs of much older parents, so are exposed to much more mature stuff.

I will say that American Girl has been a great neutralizer for maintaining friendships around here. Girls that aren't into other dolls or other types of make believe are still very much into these dolls and will play with them for quite some time where we are. And part of their business model is about keeping girls young, which I completely agree with.

Frankly, when I hear her classmates use words like , "sexy" and "hot," I'm thrilled my daughter isn't there yet.

My DD would LOVE a friend like your DD who enjoys the same stuff she does. And if she has to go to a younger crowd to do so, she happily will, rather than go to a group talking about stuff she's not into and risk ridicule. It's just more fun for her.

To that end, I kind of applaud that. When we teach her about what being a good friend means and example what is and what is not being a good friend, she will say things to that effect. I don't want to hang out with X,Y,Z when they play whatever more grownup thing because they make me feel bad. You know what kiddo? You shouldn't have to.

As long as she's happy and not doing something developmentally inappropriate, I wouldn't worry about it.

I used to hang out with older kids and it worried my parents. But those kids it was because of the awesome stuff they could build and create and do scientific experiments with, not because they were into whatever more grown up show or language or clothes. It was about play. And I think that's where this falls.

wow that got long. I feel for you. This parenting gig is tough. :hug:

[ahisma]

She sounds a lot like my DD at 8 yo. She's now a blue haired, Manga reading perfectly well adjusted 13 yo. She still scorns some of the mainstream stuff, never got into Justin Bieber, Bratz dolls, etc. She does wear makeup (I don't!), socialize well, etc. In fact she is often described as very mature, gets tons of babysitting gigs, etc. FWIW, she still gets sucked into Blues Clues when the kids watch it.

Her cousin is 14, doesn't wear make up and still plays with Polly Pockets. She's also brilliant and very accomplished. You can easily have an adult level conversation with her, she's more insightful than most grownups that I know.

ETA: DD went straight from Hanna clothes to punk. Skipping Justice isn't necessarily a bad thing;)

[hellokitty]

Ds1 is 8 and is very similar to the OP's dd. I used to worry more about it, but I also recognize that he is a kid who marches to his own beat. While we sometimes struggle with trying to teach him how to fit in, I also find it refreshing that his quirky personality actually puts him in a good position not to fall to peer pressure. He doesn't really care what other ppl think and does his own thing. My other two boys are much more prone to being followers and caring about what other ppl think. I worry more about them losing the ability to think for themselves and just mindlessly following the crowd. I've actually spoken in depth with another friend before about how our oldest children are both like this. She was worried that she babied him too much, but when I pointed out that it was nice that neither cared about what others thought, we agreed that this trait is very helpful regarding peer pressure. I actually think that kids like this are very sweet. It's nice to see them not get sucked into the same stuff theirs peers are into, but to have their own sense of self and he comfortable with it.

[TwinFoxes]

I don't see anything alarming in what you posted. However, if you trust your SO's opinion, and if he has a background that gives him perspective, then you might want to discuss your concerns with her teacher or guidance counselor. See what other adults who know her well observe in other contexts. I know some others have posted about social skills classes with elementary aged kiddos that have done a lot for them.

I guess it sounds like you have a few hesitations and an outside party with a background in child development has also mentioned the same concerns. I would definitely follow up with other adults who know her well.

But again, none of the things you posted would bother me. I am just assuming there are other things as well that are more difficult to convey on a message board!

I agree with this. Nothing OP wrote seems out of the ordinary. But her mommy sense is going off, and the fact her SO agrees, I'd just chat with a teacher or counselor.

[lalasmama]

Update in the original post! Thanks for all the support.

[chlobo]

Honestly, I'd be completely happy if my DD (who is almost 9) stayed like that forever. Why the rush to have her grow up and be a tween. Frightens me, honestly.