if you have sour feelings about your child's teacher, what caused them?

[AnnieW625]

This could really be a bitch, but I wanted some opinions.

DD1's teacher is giving me sour feelings. My DD1 said she likes her and previously until yesterday I thought she was okay. Now I am not so sure. This is her first year teaching in an elementary school setting in a number years. In the late 90s she taught 2nd grade for the local public school system. She is also a consultant for teachers getting their teaching credentials. We are about the same age, she might be a few years older, late 30s.

First off she is pretty strict for a first grade teacher, which I do kind of get because first graders can be kind of wacky and boisterous and often need to be kept in line, but she seems very serious and honestly kind of a stick in the mud. She isn't super warm or cozy. The kindergarten teacher who I would think is pretty strict as well is at least warm, and cozy.

Last week I saw the teacher as she was leaving school (we had stayed to watch a volleyball game) and I called her her first name when I asked her a question, it just kind of came out, so I asked her what she wanted to be called. She answered my question and then didn't address the name issue. She emailed me that evening and told me to call her Mrs. last name. I get that I messed that one up, but still I wish she would have come out and said something at the time.

Yesterday DH, and I were volunteering in the classroom for an art project. DH mentions to that he has taken some videos of the kids in the classroom; I heard him say it across the class and he was talking to co room mom at the time. I think nothing of it. Co room mom (I am the other room mom) was in charge of photos last year for the kinder class, and said nothing to DH that he shouldn't be taking videos. Teacher, and classroom aide (who has been at school for 10+ yrs.) doesn't say anything either. First I got an email yesterday afternoon (read it this evening) and the teacher tells me that I cannot use any videos of her without permission. I said fine, and said I would email her copies of the videos. Then I read a second email she sent an hour later that tells me that the videos must be deleted and she has CC'd the principal, and the pastor of the church. I replied to all and said the videos have been deleted. I also re read the Diocese's policy on videos before I saw the second email (video policy was buried way down on page 35 of a 55 page student handbook) and it was kind of vague, but agree I probably should have told my DH to stop taking the videos. None of this came up last year at all and many parents took videos of the kids at performances last year and maybe stuff inside the auditorium is different than in the classroom, but still kind of irritating she didn't say anything to one of us in person as we were leaving. I guess my main issue with this was the tone of her emails.

To make matters worse like I said above I am room mom. I am hoping that this passes, but seriously I am scared sh!tless now. Our conference is next month and there is only one conference.

Any experience? Any advice?

[belovedgandp]

I can see your uneasiness and totally would be feeling similarly if it was me, but just reading it I can point out what makes me want to give her the benefit of the doubt.

If she hasn't been in the classroom for a while she too is trying to figure out a flow for the room. What to expect from the kids and the parents.

The e-mails after the fact could be not wanting to say something in front of kids. She doesn't know parents' personalities the same they don't know hers so it may be easier to follow up after the fact. The delay between the two e-mails very well may have been her double checking the policies herself about videotaping.

Personally my kids (especially DS1) needs a stick in the mud; consistent but fair gets him farther than cuddles. He had that in first grade and adored her. He had a much more laid back and too lenient second grade teacher and while he still liked her I know he should have been challenged more.

That said, I can see her not being my favorite person, but as long as the classroom was productive for my child I'd keep doing as you have been. Nothing seems like a deal breaker for a school year relationship. Probably more likely to run ideas or ask permission of the teacher before assuming something that was done the year before was fine again this year.

[niccig]

That said, I can see her not being my favorite person, but as long as the classroom was productive for my child I'd keep doing as you have been. Nothing seems like a deal breaker for a school year relationship. Probably more likely to run ideas or ask permission of the teacher before assuming something that was done the year before was fine again this year.

:yeahthat: Definitely check in if things are fine, each teacher has their own views on things.

DS's teacher is similar. She's the strict one. I don't find her warm and fuzzy at all, but the kids all love her. She wouldn't have emailed later though, she would have said to your face "you can't videotape other kids, please delete it" which can be more embarrassing for you.

Some kids need and thrive in the strict/more structured set-up. In DS's year, friends asked for the other year 1/2 teacher as DS's teacher and their elder son were not a good fit. They got the warm/fuzzy teacher that we would have liked. This year they asked to be swapped. Warm/fuzzy teacher's classroom was more chaotic and their DD was too easily distracted and they realized she needs the extra structure.

[specialp]

The delay between the two e-mails very well may have been her double checking the policies herself about videotaping.

I do not know how to feel about the first email as that would have been easy enough to say, call me "Mrs. X" when you specifically asked, but my initial reaction about the 2nd email was the same as above. You said it was buried and kind of vague to you so it probably was to her, too, and she needed to check it herself before making a request of you.

[maestramommy]

I had the op to observe DD1's 1st grade teacher the other day, for over an hour. She is strict! Not in a bad way, but she doesn't allow messing around at all. But I see that it works great because she has to do things like work with a reading group of 5 while another group of 5 does independent seatwork (another group leaves the room for reading help). I've been told great things about her, the results she gets, and how attentive she is to the individual child, but I've never seen her in action until now. I don't know what her manner is like throughout the day, but DD1 likes her a lot, though for a while she was saying school was boring :p.

To me, I don't really care if a teacher is warm and fuzzy. I mean, it's fine if they are, but I don't send them to school for that. They can get warm and fuzzy at home. As long as they are learning what they're supposed to in a safe supportive environment that is all I require. And for my kids safe supportive usually translates into orderly and structured with clear expectations. In fact, one thing DD1 complained a lot about in this transition to full day school was that it was so noisy. Noisy in the cafeteria, on the bus, waiting for the bus. At least in her classroom it's quiet enough.

[marymoo86]

Hard to tell but seems that she likes having things in written form as it is easier to document that policies, etc were discussed and easier to come back to for reference. I know I only half remember conversations so it is good for me to have an electronic reminder. However, I would be the type to speak in person and then follow up via email.

[AnnieW625]

Thanks. The name thing was kind of weird, why not just tell me after I said it? What bothered me about the second email was the tone, and the fact that she cc'd the principal and the pastor. I get that is the policy, but I think in that case I wished she would have phrased it like this:

"I double checked with the principal, and the pastor, and taking videos in the classroom is a violation of the rules since you did not have the teacher or the parent's permission first."

instead she wrote:
"the videos must be deleted as you were in violation of taking videos without my permission or the parents permission."

Then I noticed the cc's. Freaked me out. I am debating about introducing myself to the pastor today after mass to clear the whole thing up. I am off work on Monday so I will speak to the principal on Monday.

Being pulled aside as we were leaving would have been much easier.

I just read the response to my email from the co room mom (I Bcc'd her to keep her in the loop), and now I feel worse. She basically said, "yes I knew the school had a policy about photos and videos and I had pre arranged that with the teacher and the principal." Then why the "F" did you not say something when I came into class with my DH and said he could help take pictures as well? :shake: Now I feel like a first grader wearing a dunce cap, and a complete idiot.

[cuca_]

Don't feel like an idiot, you just did not know. I would not go as far as bringing this up with the pastor. Just let it go. If you can casually mention it to the principal then go ahead, but I would not make an appointment or a big deal about it. In fact, I think the best approach would be to reply to her email stating that you were not aware of the policy and copy everyone. You have to work with this teacher for the rest of the year it is in your best interest to stay on her good side.

She does sound a bit uptight. I agree with you that she should have corrected you on the spot when you called her by her first name, and not made a big deal out of it in an email. I would have also expected her to let you know about the video policy on the spot.

IME the adage that says that you catch more flies with honey applies to people like this. Since you are one of the room mothers, I would go ahead and check everything with her via email, just so that you have her go ahead in writing.

Good luck!

[cvanbrunt]

I wouldn't freak out about the cc's. I think she's just engaging in a bit of CYA. Unfortunately, it's probably a necessity. My cynical self can imagine that a few years ago some parent went apesh!t crazy when someone took a picture of their kid at school. So instead of just requesting that their kid not be photographed, they threatened to sue someone and now there's a blanket policy and the administration is just very sensitive to the issue.

Don't bring it up. It will make you look defensive. Just carry on and communicate via email since that is what the teacher seems to prefer.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Have you had a sit down with her regarding room parent expectations? I tell all of my room parents to do that just so you can get on the same page with things (though there are always things you might not think to ask!).

I have my room parents ask for photo releases in their classes. The photos go on a password protected site only for use of families. Maybe your teacher would let you do that. Though, does the school already ask that and have those on file? Our school does, we just do a classroom specific one as an extra.

[AnnieW625]

The regular pastor was off today so as soon as we got to church and I saw that I decided to drop that idea. I won't make an appt. with the principal, but will stop by her office after drop off tomorrow if I see her. She seems very approachable. I will apologize, and ask that in the future that the video/picture policy be outlined at the beginning of the school year. It was not outlined at all any meeting (at least the last two years) and I think it is important that is known ESP. with two new kids in the class as well, and for parents as well. There is only one grade per class at this school so these parents will be with us for the next 8 yrs. (some will be there for another 11 yrs.), and as DH said it is much to early to make enemies or not play nice. I completely agree that it is best to error on the side of caution, but last year everyone got along great and there wasn't any drama.

SnuggleBuggles there was no mention of the video/photo policy at the room mom meeting for the whole school (the policy is part of the Diocese's policy--they are the equivalent of the school district, and the crux of it is they do not want the photos/videos used for public use or sold. I get that, but it doesn't actually say anything about pstrnts not being able to take photos or videos of children), and the one on one room mom meeting with the teacher. I kind of assumed co room mom would be taking lots of photos but there was no mention made ever of there just being one photographer for the room, which she insinuated in her email. I would have completely respected that if that had been said first.

[R2sweetboys]

To me, she sounds uptight and on a bit of a power-trip honestly. I'd be annoyed too that she resorts to email rather than tell you face-to-face what she wants/expects. Considering that you and your DH take the time to volunteer in her classroom, I'd think she could be more cordial and understanding when informing you of the video/picture rule. I wouldn't worry about it though since you obviously weren't informed of these policies beforehand. I don't see anything wrong with talking with the principal just to clear the air since it is such a small school and you plan to continue there.

[squimp]

To me, she sounds uptight and on a bit of a power-trip honestly. I'd be annoyed too that she resorts to email rather than tell you face-to-face what she wants/expects. Considering that you and your DH take the time to volunteer in her classroom, I'd think she could be more cordial and understanding when informing you of the video/picture rule. I wouldn't worry about it though since you obviously weren't informed of these policies beforehand. I don't see anything wrong with talking with the principal just to clear the air since it is such a small school and you plan to continue there.

I agree with this. It's definitely a hand slap. I would probably cc everyone back with a really light-hearted message saying thanks for reminding me about the rules, I did not realize this when I was volunteering in the classroom. And then honestly I would try not to think about it again. That is how I deal with things in my professional life. New teachers are often very strong rule followers, IME. Based on these interactions, I would try to make sure I was very conservative in my dealings with her in the future.