What do you do when you lose a friend (figuratively, not literally)?

[TwoBees]

A friend and I have lost touch, even though I have been trying to keep in touch with her. A bit of background:

We met freshman year in college, and were friends all throughout college. After college, we lived near each other for about 5 years. She was a bridesmaid in my wedding, I was a bridesmaid in hers. Then she moved a few hours away. I tried to keep in touch and made a point always to call her on her birthday, although to became harder to get in touch with her. Two years ago, she never called me back when I called to wish her happy birthday. This year I did not call.

Fast forward to two weeks ago. College reunion so I was thinking about her (she was not there). I sent her a text and an email, because I wasn't sure if she still had the same cell number and email address. No response. Last week (Wed maybe?) I have her a call during the day (end of my work day, but not hers I guess), and she sounded like she had no idea who it was on the phone. She told me she couldn't talk because she was at work, and I asked her to call me back. So far I haven't heard from her.

I'm really really upset. We were really close, I have no idea what happened. I know she's busy, so am I. And if she doesn't want to talk anymore I'll be okay with that...eventually, but I would at least like to know so that I don't keep trying to contact her. I'd also like to know why.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. Do I try to get in touch with her again? Email or call her and tell her that if she doesn't want to be friends then fine, but please just tell me? Or just let it go entirely? It's been eating away at me all weekend. Any BTDT?

[trcy]

IMO I would let it go. I am not the best about keeping in touch so I may not be your best source of advice though. Maybe send an email/phone call in a few weeks just to say "Hi, how are you?" Sorry you are going through this; I have lost a few friend in similar ways.:grouphug:

[Philly Mom]

I have had that experience with two people from my wedding actually. I realized (after calling them on their birthdays for a couple years and no call backs) that it is not worth being in a one sided relationship. Both friends have dropped off the planet with everyone we were friends with (I was their last contact). With both of them, I can understand why we are not friends anymore even though it is sad.

[sste]

Well, I would first ask her perhaps by voicemail if necessary if there is something that happened or something you might have done to cause feelings - - just expressing that you miss her and are worried you might have unintentionally said or done something. Not saying it sounds like that is the case but I have been surprised at various times when someone else is upset with me over something I have no memory of!

If that is not the case or you don't hear back . . . well, this is a part of the reason why hallmark invented the xmas/hanukkah card. And facebook. I always try to keep a foot in the door because who knows you may drift back into contact at another life stage.

I have had this happen a few times. And let me tell you I am a loyal person, make ol yella look like a turncoat, etc and it upset me enormously. I later realized that the saying is true it really is about the other person. In particular, friendships made during school are often forged in a time of immature competitiveness that often persists. It is quite likely she perceives you to have something that is setting her off because that is an issue for her right now in her own life - - career status or marital satisfaction, more money, DC or more DC, an easier life, whatever it may be.

[HannaAddict]

Move on, people don't always stay friends with the same people over years and different places and life styles. And some friends you aren't in touch with all the time and yet when you see them it is like you are just as close. If someone from college started calling, texting, emailing and calling me at work when I hadn't had a chance to get back to them, I would probably not call them back, it would be too much. I don't always get back to people just to catch up right away and the pressure would make me cringe and not want to talk, I've had this happen. Just give it a break and in a couple months maybe drop her an email to catch up. Do not call work, that would make me feel hunted. Sorry.

ETA I don't think it has to be anything about not liking you or dissatisfaction with her life or marriage or jealousy or being competitive. I am busy, I barely have enough time to do what I need to do on a daily basis. I don't keep track f extended friends' birthdays and hardly have time to see my current friends. It is just that simple. It will take a bit before I get back to someone. I would really not appreciate a call at work either. If I was getting a barrage of contacts (email, text, voice mail) I honestly would think leave me alone, I will get to you when I can and feel guilty I hadn't gotten back to you but not appreciate more attempts right now.

[TwoBees]

Move on, people don't always stay friends with the same people over years and different places and life styles. And some friends you aren't in touch with all the time and yet when you see them it is like you are just as close. If someone from college started calling, texting, emailing and calling me at work when I hadn't had a chance to get back to them, I would probably not call them back, it would be too much. I don't always get back to people just to catch up right away and the pressure would make me cringe and not want to talk, I've had this happen. Just give it a break and in a couple months maybe drop her an email to catch up. Do not call work, that would make me feel hunted. Sorry.

ETA I don't think it has to be anything about not liking you or dissatisfaction with her life or marriage or jealousy or being competitive. I am busy, I barely have enough time to do what I need to do on a daily basis. I don't keep track f extended friends' birthdays and hardly have time to see my current friends. It is just that simple. It will take a bit before I get back to someone. I would really not appreciate a call at work either. If I was getting a barrage of contacts (email, text, voice mail) I honestly would think leave me alone, I will get to you when I can and feel guilty I hadn't gotten back to you but not appreciate more attempts right now.

I have to clarify, I did not call her at work. I called her cell phone. I figured she would not answer if she didn't recognize the number or could not talk. I actually didn't think she *would* answer and I had already prepared my voice mail message. I don't even have her work number. To add to this, I haven't talked to her in over a year until 2 week ago when I sent her the text/email (I sent the same thing to both because I didn't know if either was still active, and it was one line saying I missed her). The follow-up phone call was over a week later.

[daisysmom]

Move on, people don't always stay friends with the same people over years and different places and life styles. And some friends you aren't in touch with all the time and yet when you see them it is like you are just as close. ... I don't always get back to people just to catch up right away and the pressure would make me cringe and not want to talk, I've had this happen. Just give it a break and in a couple months maybe drop her an email to catch up. ...
ETA I don't think it has to be anything about not liking you or dissatisfaction with her life or marriage or jealousy or being competitive. I am busy, I barely have enough time to do what I need to do on a daily basis. I don't keep track f extended friends' birthdays and hardly have time to see my current friends. It is just that simple. .

This is me EXACTLY too.

I got married 8 years ago just before I turned 35. I had 9 bridesmaids (plus 2 junior bridesmaids and 2 flower girls) so lots of very close girl friends from growing up/highschool, college, lawschool and when I was working. I am very much an extravert... so always have been really social (frankly to a fault, had a hard time concentrating in college because it was more fun to sit around in friends' dorm rooms). I was in all of their weddings too, and then watchen them all have kids.

That being said -- most of us don't really keep in close touch now. Life has gotten busy. The ones that don't work outside the home all have numerous children and I can see from FB or even Christmas card letters that they are full of activities. Some of us just have 1 child but WOTH. Others never had kids, but those women (for example) are running Ironman races or planning and taking great trips.

I don't email or send cards on any birthdays (and neither do they, by and large). Sometimes I will pick up the phone and call them or drop them a text if something makes me think of them, but it is always just to say hello and that I was thinking of them - sure I say "call me back if you want" if I leave a message, but it isn't a requirement. And if they don't call back, that doesn't mean that anything is wrong - because I am the exact same way. I just don't take the time either myself sometimes. I send a positive though, a prayer maybe, but our friendships don't "require" more.

Then when we do happen to get together like if we are passing through one another's town for work or something -- we have a BLAST. It is just like old times. Lots to catch up on, no hurt feelings.

And when someone is in need, like when one of my lawschool roomie's mothers was in hospice just before she died from breast cancer, it just took one call to one person and we all got in a network and made time immediately to travel to see our friend. Didn't matter how many birthdays were missed before then -- when in need, we were there. Same with one of my best friends from highschool (who wasn't in my wedding, but I was in hers) who is going through her second divorce. I got a voicemail from her late onenight (she called at work-- clearly not wanting to talk but wanting to leave a message) saying effectively that she needed help, was going to need to divorce husband number 2 and needed an attorney to get a protective order/restraint against him. I heard the voicemail the next day and I immediately called around to get her a referral and called her back. She didn't want to "catch up" I could tell, she didn't ask how I was -- but heck, that's life - she needed a referral and I got her one and met the need that the friendship had then. I wouldn't mind if I didn't hear from her again for a few years. As it happened, she comments that she "likes" so many of my pics on facebook of my daughter. I don't mind that she isn't "giving" me more right now -- her energies are on empty I am sure. And frankly just seeing the 'like' from her makes me smile and feel her sending me a positive thought.

So that's my long winded way of saying that as grownups, I just don't expect a ton from longstanding friendships if something is wrong. But I know that if something did happen and I needed them, I could send up a smoke signal and they would be there for me. If I were you, I wouldn't make a big deal of this now and just let it lie.

[sste]

I should also clarify that I am not expressing an opinion about any competitive motivations attributed to Hannaaddict not returning calls!

My comments are focused on the situation you describe. In my experience when you have a long time friendship, nothing has happened, nothing has changed, and the person suddenly stops talking to you it is often about something going on with them. It could be a life circumstance or stressor. It could be the challenges with work-life balance issues that hannaddict describes. Or it could be some sort of personal hot button that the other party is not even fully aware of that being around you brings to the surface - - that is what I meant by competitiveness. I think people in particular do a lot of "benchmarking" with friends they make in early adulthood where they infer their own progress by comparison to their friends. Ideally, this fades in later life. But it is part of the reason that high school and college reunions are so challenging - - it often doesn't go away entirely.

[eagle]

best thing to do would be to drop it for now. dont let it eat at you. its her problem, so dont make it yours.

[codex57]

Let it go. People change a LOT from college to afterwards.

You've made efforts. You're just cutting short your lifespan by stressing about something like this. Just let it go. Life changes. You guys have clearly lost touch so it's best to just drop it IMO.

[wellyes]

You've done what you can. Ball's in her court. Let it go, and be delighted if you hear from her.

[hopeful_mama]

I have (mostly) learned, finally, to try not to expect more from people than they are able to give. For me this mostly applies to new friendships, the acquaintance that you really hit it off with that you just know could be a fun friend but they're already set for friends or too busy. But it can apply to older friendships as well.

For whatever reason - quite possibly related to benchmarking (interesting thought), or to being swamped, or to having just grown in a different direction and drifted apart - she's not able to give more. She doesn't want to give a reason, and may not even know the real reason herself.

Best you can do is just keep the occasional door open (low-key birthday, Christmas wishes) - unless it's easier on you to just shut the door. If you push now she will likely back off even further. If you respect her need for space she might in time reach back out to you (or not).

[TwoBees]

Thanks everyone. As sad as I am, I'll let it go.

[hellokitty]

TwoBees, I know you've come to accept that you should just move on. However, I was wondering if this friend is at a different phase of life than you are?

I had almost an identical scenario as yours. In the end (after I was her MOH at her wedding), I think she was upset with me for not spending more time with her (DS3 was 5 wks old at her wedding, I actually told her up front that it would be crazy busy, and she could pick someone else, but she wanted me to be MOH). Generally speaking, I think that she was just upset that I was so busy with kids, that I wasn't able to go completely all out for her wedding (ie: I lived the farthest away and wasn't able to do a bachelorette party for her when I was close to the end of my pregnancy, the other two BMs were supposed to do it, but they dropped the ball... in the end I think she still blames me for this). She probably still has some resentment toward me thinking that I could have just left my kids with a sitter more often or left a BF baby overnight, etc..

I tried to KIT with her a few times, but now it's been 3 yrs and I have heard nothing from her. I've moved on, but it still makes me sad with how the friendship ended. Her feelings may have been hurt that she is probably still upset with me, but at the same time I am a little upset that she was not more understanding of what it's like to be a mom to babies and young children. It makes me more sad that it's not even like the light bulb will ever go off when she has her own kids someday and realizes how exhausting it is to be a parent, since she already told me that they don't plan to have any kids at all. She'll just go on thinking that I wasn't as good of a friend as she thought I should have been.

[mom2akm]

I feel for you. In situation like this, as I move on, I tell myself that although this is not a lifelong friendship but there's no denial that we had great times together and I will treasure those memories. Also, I will not close all the doors. May be she will contact you one day and wants to stay in touch, you never know. I hope you feel better soon. :grouphug:

[queenmama]

The truest friends can go all year (or more) without correspondence but will easily reconnect when the opportunity arises. I get the feeling that this is not that kind of friend... As busy as we all are, I know my dearest friends would be ecstatic to hear from me (and me them), even if they had to say, "I'm super busy, let me call you back." Even if the call isn't returned right away, it's easy to tell the ones that mean well from the ones that are blowing you off.

It is sad that we sometimes drift apart from the people we once had strong bonds with, but I just count myself lucky for the solid friendships that don't fade, despite time or miles between.