WWYD: shower for third child thrown by husband

[LBW]

I have a relatively new friend who is having a shower for her third baby. This is her second child of the same sex, and her next youngest is 4. She has all of her baby things. So, technically no "need" for a shower. The shower is being "thrown" by her husband. The invitation came from him, but she told me about it ahead of time.

Essentially, to me, they are throwing themselves a party to get baby gifts. It bugs me. It wouldn't bother me so much if they just said, "We're having a party to celebrate this baby!" But...and I can't put my finger on why...the way they're handling it really strikes me as inappropriate.

I'm not sure if I can attend because of other tentative plans for that weekend. And, the way I feel, I'm not sure I should attend. I'm sad that I feel this way.

Am I wrong?

[blisstwins]

I don't think you are wrong at all, but the older I get the less I get worked up about this kind of stuff. I don't know what their needs are. If they are friends, I would assume they think this is a good idea for some reason--maybe it is their way of celebrating each child. If they are not friends, then they are not friends, and you probably should not go or socialize with them otherwise. If you like them, I would go if I could and get whatever kind of gift you might bring if it were a celebration instead of a shower. If you are busy, I would send regrets and a book or other small gift.

[bostonsmama]

Some people's approach is that every life should be celebrated. As much as it's not "best etiquette," in circles around here EVERYONE has a 2nd & 3rd shower, obviously for things like diapers and newer gear/clothing or clothing that's a different season from previous children (like summer vs winter newborn).

I totally roll my eyes at this, but my mom is throwing a shower for my SIL who is having her 3rd baby in January. Technically she has everything she needs since she cosleeps (ie, doesn't need a crib and bedding) and has most gear from the other 2 (and it's another boy...and their youngest boy is 2), but they did have to leave a lot of stuff behind when they moved from a foreign country...so...a shower it is!

[jerseygirl07067]

I actually have some great friends, who unbeknownst to me, threw me a surprise baby shower....for my 3rd. I did not know what I was having (I prefer to do it that way).

I was a bit uncomfortable at first as I had all the larger baby stuff too, and felt very undeserving of it all, but it wound up really being a "stock the nursery" theme, which was perfect! I mean, who can't use more diapers, butt cream, wipes, etc? I did get a few nice little blankets and a few new outfits which was really nice.

I say just go and enjoy it. I would never throw one for myself, and wouldn't let my DH ever do it for me either, but different strokes for different folks!

[crl]

I wouldn't ever do it that way. But whatever. I would probably roll my eyes a bit. But then I would do my best to get over myself and give a thoughtful present and go if I could. They aren't hurting anyone, and it's not really a bad thing to celebrate a new life.

Catherine

[kali]

It is natural that parents would want to celebrate every child, but a baby shower is specifically an opportunity to "shower" the family with gifts for the baby. This is why they're usually thrown by a friend.

Maybe I'm just getting hung up on the semantics, but to me the whole thing seems tacky. (Do they have a registry?? That to me would scream shameless gift grab.) I would skip the shower and send a personalized gift for the new baby. Or better yet, bring a small gift with you when you actually meet the new baby for the first time.

[mommyoftwo]

Yes it's a bit tacky and I wouldn't do it but I do understand the sentiment to some degree. We are finally pregnant with twin girls after trying for several years and going through many rounds of infertility treatments. We already have two girls and can afford to buy anything we need. I don't expect anyone to throw us a shower but it makes me a little sad to not have the babies being celebrated in some official way. I don't need the gifts but wish that someone would throw some sort of party just to acknowledge the fact that we are finally pregnant. But I realize it would be tacky to ask someone to throw a party and also that most people don't really understand the emotions of finally being pregnant after giving up hope. So unless someone really surprises me, there won't be any kind of celebration and while it makes me a little sad, I completely understand why no one would think of doing anything.

I'm not excusing their behavior which I don't really think is appropriate. But I do totally understand the desire to have each baby be celebrated in some way. That being said, if it really bugs you, don't attend. They don't have to know why you aren't going and it would be better to stay home than to unintentionally show that you aren't comfortable with them throwing their own shower.

[Tondi G]

call it what you want Tacky or whatever but I think that every child should be celebrated. Just because Mom still has her swing and bouncy seat she may want something new (I had an old graco swing, if we had another I would want a cradle swing etc.). She can make a registry and maybe a few people will go in together to get her the updated model. The registry is just a guideline anyways people are going to buy what they want. Just because they have clothing to hand down from their older child, who is to say that this baby doesn't deserve a couple of new outfits and or blankets or whatever. A lot of people who have showers for 2nd or 3rd babies find they get a lot of diapers, wipes, burp cloths, butt cream, lotions, maybe a new boppy pillow etc. and a few cute little outfits rather than car seats, bouncy seats, swings, exersaucers, playmats etc.

I had my 2nd baby when DS1 was almost 4. My sister and mom and best friend had all said they wanted to have a little shower for me.... then they all got busy and kinda dropped the ball. My husband was annoyed because they said something and then didn't follow through. So he called some closer friends, invited the neighbors and threw together a little surprise shower for our little guy... and yes we have 2 children of the same sex. It wasn't a party to try to get baby gifts as it was more about just celebrating that we were having another baby. I could have cared less about what etiquette says. If people didn't want to come then they didn't have to. Those who loved me and were excited about our baby came and we all enjoyed the afternoon.

OP if you can't get over your feelings and have other plans that day anyways then don't go... it's that simple.

[wellyes]

If you like her, go.

[specialp]

Yes it's a bit tacky and I wouldn't do it but I do understand the sentiment to some degree. We are finally pregnant with twin girls after trying for several years and going through many rounds of infertility treatments. We already have two girls and can afford to buy anything we need. I don't expect anyone to throw us a shower but it makes me a little sad to not have the babies being celebrated in some official way. I don't need the gifts but wish that someone would throw some sort of party just to acknowledge the fact that we are finally pregnant. But I realize it would be tacky to ask someone to throw a party and also that most people don't really understand the emotions of finally being pregnant after giving up hope. So unless someone really surprises me, there won't be any kind of celebration and while it makes me a little sad, I completely understand why no one would think of doing anything.

I'm not excusing their behavior which I don't really think is appropriate. But I do totally understand the desire to have each baby be celebrated in some way. That being said, if it really bugs you, don't attend. They don't have to know why you aren't going and it would be better to stay home than to unintentionally show that you aren't comfortable with them throwing their own shower.

A couple of years ago, my friend had an outside party at the tail end of summer to celebrate her 2nd pregnancy for her September baby. The wording on the invitation was adorable about there being no gifts and it was a fun family-style party with husbands and kids there. The guys grilled food and there were a couple of baby-themed food items like the cake and watermelon stroller. Her son, who was less than enthused about the little intruder coming his way, was decked out in “big brother” gear and it was big boost for him to have all the adults lavish attention on him and what a great big brother he would be. (She later told me it was the best thing did for him because he got excited about the baby after that.) I know that others had offered to throw her a sprinkle, but I think she wanted control to make sure it wasn’t a shower. She is great at throwing parties anyway, hosts them for any and everything, but I always think of this party when people talk about celebrating the baby because it really can be done without it being a shower or asking for gifts if that is an uncomfortable area. Her 2nd son will have pictures of his celebration party in his baby book and it was a blast for everyone to get together and it was a celebration for the baby.

[ahisma]

I'd go. I don't know the circumstances, but given that the DH is throwing it I'd guess that she was feeling sad that this baby wouldn't be celebrated like the others were and he decided to "fix" it for her.

I'd probably gift a few new children's books that they wouldn't already have (new releases?) with a meaningful inscription, or something personalized for the baby. I know that my older DC have more of those things thany my younger DC because of the whole shower issue.

[jacksmomtobe]

I think if you don't agree with the idea just send a small gift and skip it because you have a conflict.

[TwinFoxes]

I'd go. I don't know the circumstances, but given that the DH is throwing it I'd guess that she was feeling sad that this baby wouldn't be celebrated like the others were and he decided to "fix" it for her.



This was my thought too. Buy one of those diaper bouquets if it will make you feel better, doubtful she still has those left over from four years go. Even if she used cloth, she could probably use more. I get what you're saying OP, it's an unusual situation, but cake and cute baby clothes? I'm in! :)

[momm]

Meh.. every child should be celebrated, IMO. I feel it could be that friends didn't step up to plan a shower (and I totally understand why) and the husband decided to celebrate his pregnant wife and new baby. Why not? I would love that!

HOWEVER, I think they should mention in the invite that it's a no-gift party. Then people who really want to gift, can bring something when they come to see the baby.

Maybe you can still attend, and give a gift card or something, which you would've anyway, when visiting the baby later?

[hillview]

meh like a pp the older I get the less worked up I get. If I liked her and or the other people attending, I'd get a case of diapers and show up and have fun. I also wouldn't feel bad not attending and not giving a gift.

[hellokitty]

I wonder when the etiquette of not being able to celebrate your subsequent children will die off. Seriously, these events are not always gift grabs. Like everyone said, for subsequent kids, ppl usually give small, disposable type of baby supplies or outfits. It's not like they are asking anyone to buy them a crib or fancy stroller. If you like this woman, go. Some ppl are not lucky enough to have friends to throw them a shower. As a mom to three, esp 3 boys, it sucks when ppl think that just b/c you have 3 kids, and 3 boys at that, that you don't deserve another shower. It's not about the gifts.

[VClute]

I'm from the South, and it's still not proper to have a shower a) thrown by a relative or b) for subsequent children, even if of a different gender. Sure, it still happens, but I appreciate such "rules" of behavior. I also believe in hand-written thank you notes and RSVPs, but those are going the way of the dinosaur, too. :(

[hellokitty]

I'm from the South, and it's still not proper to have a shower a) thrown by a relative or b) for subsequent children, even if of a different gender. Sure, it still happens, but I appreciate such "rules" of behavior. I also believe in hand-written thank you notes and RSVPs, but those are going the way of the dinosaur, too. :(

Did I say anything about handwritten thank you notes or RSVPs? No, I am actually disturbed by the lack of thank you notes in general these days and have the same gripe regarding RSVPs. However, the whole idea that only your first child is deserving of a celebration, to me that seems very antiquated and unfair. Almost like when ppl in the older generation put more value on a boy over a girl type of thing.

Also as it is has been pointed out a million times on these shower threads, this is also regional. As is the whole, "getting all dolled up" for a football game down south thing is regional. Something we big ten conference ppl will never understand.

[unlisted]

That's really tacky. Throw a party to celebrate the baby and say "No Gifts Please!" Sounds like they just want some gifts.

[Corie]

I'm from the South, and it's still not proper to have a shower a) thrown by a relative or b) for subsequent children, even if of a different gender. Sure, it still happens, but I appreciate such "rules" of behavior.

I'm not from the South but I still completely agree with you.

[KDsMommy]

I'm in the south and at my office we do showers for everyone (even dads) and every child. Any excuse to buy cute baby clothes...I'm in!

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I wonder when the etiquette of not being able to celebrate your subsequent children will die off. Seriously, these events are not always gift grabs. Like everyone said, for subsequent kids, ppl usually give small, disposable type of baby supplies or outfits. It's not like they are asking anyone to buy them a crib or fancy stroller. If you like this woman, go. Some ppl are not lucky enough to have friends to throw them a shower. As a mom to three, esp 3 boys, it sucks when ppl think that just b/c you have 3 kids, and 3 boys at that, that you don't deserve another shower. It's not about the gifts.

:yeahthat:

Well, said. :bighand:

I live in the South and in my mom's group we have thrown showers for 2nd/3rd children. No one raises a stink over it. It's all about celebrating the baby, and as PP said, an excuse to have some kid-free girl time to ooh and ahh over things and chat. NOBODY buys big gifts like a stroller or crib or even a swing anything...most gifts are things like handmade burp cloths, diapers/wipes, Carters baby outfits, things like that.

Also, I should point out that just because its' her 3rd baby doesn't necessarily mean she had a shower for the first two and that she's just being greedy and asking for another party. One of moms that had one for her 3rd, during the shower mentioned how grateful she was to everyone, mentioning that with her first two she never had showers bc they were both born in January. With a DS born in Jan I get it...Jan babies are hard bc it's right before the holidays. I know my SIL had a shower only for her 3rd.

anyway, to answer the OP's question, if i liked the woman, and she was a friend, i'd go and just bring a small gift. if you were planning on getting her a baby gift anyway, i guess don't see the big difference.

[kmkaull]

That's really tacky. Throw a party to celebrate the baby and say "No Gifts Please!" Sounds like they just want some gifts.

:yeahthat: I could live with a "meet the baby" gathering thrown by a friend, but this scenario is just gift-grabby.

[vonfirmath]

I'm from the South, and it's still not proper to have a shower a) thrown by a relative or b) for subsequent children, even if of a different gender. Sure, it still happens, but I appreciate such "rules" of behavior. I also believe in hand-written thank you notes and RSVPs, but those are going the way of the dinosaur, too. :(

I'm from the South too and we joyfully celebrate 2nd, 3rd, and even 10th children!


That's really tacky. Throw a party to celebrate the baby and say "No Gifts Please!" Sounds like they just want some gifts.

Except that saying "No Gifts" on an invitation is also against etiquette because that means you assume people are going to bring gifts and its never right to assume gifts.

One of the most loving and welcoming things my SS did at church was to show their love for me by having a small shower for my daughter. They gave me a couple of bags of hand me down clothes and a few small gifts, and they surprised me with a cake and lots of fun and talking about kids, etc. And worked with my husband to make sure I would be there.

[specialp]

I have absolutely no problem with them and have co-hosted two, both surprises. But I do not understand this need to say it isn’t about gifts just because the gifts you expect are smaller items (aren’t those important, too?) and not cribs or swings, etc. They are still gifts. If it isn’t about that and is more for the celebration and party, you can request “no gifts.” That simple. The ones I co-hosted were surprises and were about showering the moms with nursery supplies. Yes, we celebrated the pregnancy, but the shower was about getting mom much needed nursery supplies.

ETA: cross posted with the above about etiquette and "no gifts." I think you can't win with etiquette rules anymore.

[wellyes]

I am in the "it's tacky" camp too, but I wouldn't boycott the event over that, would other people? I mean, would you decline the invite based on disapproval?

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'm in the "it's ok! I'd go and bring a gift!" camp.

We have away all of our baby stuff. They may have too.

At any rate, I'm happy to celebrate with them.

[minnie-zb]

Life is too short to lose sleep over this one. If she's a good friend and you like her, go if you can. I wouldn't think negatively -- try to look at how considerate and loving her husband is being. I would buy a small gift either an outfit or maybe even a pampering gift for the mom.

Also, she's a new friend, so this is your first shower. I'm a glass half-full kind-of-gal.

[trcy]

I don't think a shower for subsequent children is tacky at all. IMO, every child should be celebrated. And let’s not forget, there will be cake involved, yummy :)

[jjordan]

Celebrating a new baby: wonderful

New parents having a party to celebrate new baby: terrific

Friends and family bringing presents for the new baby: great

A group of friends getting together and deciding to "shower" or "sprinkle" the mom with presents for the new baby: why not?

Father of a new baby hosting a party that he calls a "shower" (which, by its very name, implies that gifts are expected): tacky

All that being said, I'm guessing that I have occasionally done things that my friends think are tacky, and since they're my friends, they get over it and like me anyway. So, OP, if you like these people otherwise, then I'd try to get over the tackiness. If this is just one thing of many that makes you go "hmmm...," then maybe this isn't the best friendship for you to pursue.

[LBW]

Celebrating a new baby: wonderful

New parents having a party to celebrate new baby: terrific

Friends and family bringing presents for the new baby: great

A group of friends getting together and deciding to "shower" or "sprinkle" the mom with presents for the new baby: why not?

Father of a new baby hosting a party that he calls a "shower" (which, by its very name, implies that gifts are expected): tacky


Thanks for this! I think you clarified what's been rolling around in my head. I'm all for celebrating every child and every pregnancy. Life's hard - we should savor every happy event. If they had invited us to a party to celebrate the new baby's arrival, I'd be thrilled to go. If another friend was throwing a party for the mom prior to the birth, I'd be thrilled to go.

The fact that the dad is inviting people to the mom's shower irks me. It's his child, too. Plus, I know she planned it (he's not the type to plan a party like this), and as I said, she told me about it in advance. So, it strikes me as a bit dishonest. Why bother with all of that?

Ugh. I know I'm coming across as really annoyed by all of this. My reaction sounds a lot more severe than it is. I honestly wish I didn't have any negative reaction to it, but I do. I don't know anyone who had a shower or sprinkle or anything for 2nd, 3rd, etc, children. When I had my third son, people barely congratulated me, let alone gave me gifts. (The lack of acknowledgement bothered me. The lack of gifts did not.) I think I'm going to stick with my original plan to knit her something for the baby, cook some freezer dinners, and arrange for playdates at my house for her other two to give her time alone with the baby. I'll drop everything off after the new little one is born.

[BabbyO]

I havent' read all the replies, but I will say this.

1. I felt weird having a 2nd shower thrown my MIL (all showers around here are thrown by relatives - it is custom).
2. I really enjoyed my second shower. It was lovely to just spend time with some women in my family and circle of friends.
3. People helped us purchase a double stroller - the only thing we really wanted/needed and we got some cute clothes that were JUST Peanuts (instead of every single thing being a hand me down). We VERY much appreciated this.

Is it possible that your friends DH is just trying to throw a party because his wife is having a hard time with this pg? She's overwhelmed with work, family obligations, other DC while being pg and he just thinks it would be great to celebrate her and the new child they will be having???

Just some thoughts. I think that DH pushed me to accept the shower because he saw me being overwhelmed and knew that I needed an excuse to be surrounded by some women (I work with almost all men, I have a family of all boys....lots of testosterone all the time). Maybe it is less about gifts and more about celebrating motherhood/new baby than you think?

That said, if you're not comfortable going, don't go. Don't feel obligated.

[jjordan]

Thanks for this! I think you clarified what's been rolling around in my head. I'm all for celebrating every child and every pregnancy. Life's hard - we should savor every happy event. If they had invited us to a party to celebrate the new baby's arrival, I'd be thrilled to go. If another friend was throwing a party for the mom prior to the birth, I'd be thrilled to go.

The fact that the dad is inviting people to the mom's shower irks me. It's his child, too. Plus, I know she planned it (he's not the type to plan a party like this), and as I said, she told me about it in advance. So, it strikes me as a bit dishonest. Why bother with all of that?

Ugh. I know I'm coming across as really annoyed by all of this. My reaction sounds a lot more severe than it is. I honestly wish I didn't have any negative reaction to it, but I do. I don't know anyone who had a shower or sprinkle or anything for 2nd, 3rd, etc, children. When I had my third son, people barely congratulated me, let alone gave me gifts. (The lack of acknowledgement bothered me. The lack of gifts did not.) I think I'm going to stick with my original plan to knit her something for the baby, cook some freezer dinners, and arrange for playdates at my house for her other two to give her time alone with the baby. I'll drop everything off after the new little one is born.

You're welcome.

The bolded sounds absolutely PERFECT. :)

[sntm]

[QUOTE=jjordan;3616665]Celebrating a new baby: wonderful

New parents having a party to celebrate new baby: terrific

Friends and family bringing presents for the new baby: great

A group of friends getting together and deciding to "shower" or "sprinkle" the mom with presents for the new baby: why not?

Father of a new baby hosting a party that he calls a "shower" (which, by its very name, implies that gifts are expected): tacky

QUOTE]

Agreed. Even if unintentionally tacky, i.e. well meaning husband. I like your plan instead!

[sste]

I can totally see my DH doing something like this *without telling me* and without realizing some of the diplomacy required for a second sprinkle/celebration/shower. I know during pregnancy I become so emotional and vulnerable. Especially with much of my family gone and my oldest friends geographically distant . . . well, I am basically pretty pathetic for nine months. My DH did help arrange my first shower, encouraged hiring a doula, and bought my sister a plane ticket because he was so worried. Not sure if this could be the case for your friend?

Like others, this issue - - along with the converse "no gift" birthday party - - don't bother me so long as I like the person involved. Plus, stores practically give away infant clothes. You can easily buy a little outfit for $7-10 bucks, put a dollar store card on it, show up and eat your cake! Or I think your plan of post-baby help and gifts sounds great too.

[AnnieW625]

Glad you were able to make a decision.

I never had a shower for my second kid, and DH would not have offered to throw me one (he doesn't think like that), but if he did he probably would have asked me who I wanted to invite and went from there vs. looking through the address book (we don't have) and try and guess who the mom friends were. Maybe that is what happened in this case and your friend was just giving you a heads up that her DH was planning something. Sure it could be thought of as tacky, but I think it is nice that the DH is doing something.

I am in the camp that it is great that a baby is celebrated and after going to 6 showers for second kids (2 showers were for 2 sets of opposite sex twins so I got those) from 2007 to 2009 who were the same sex of their older siblings and less than 3 yrs. apart (one was 3/1/2 yrs. apart though, and the opposite sex, but the other three were the same sex) than the older sibling I was sad no one offered to throw me a shower, and in no ways did I think I was being greedy for feeling that way. I just wanted to feel appreciated as well, but apparently I was not as close with some of those friends than I thought I was. That was the sad part.

[mommyoftwo]

I think all kids should be celebrated. I have zero problems with people having a shower for additional children after the first. I would love it if someone did that for me because it feels like an acknowledgement and celebration of the new life (or in my case lives) being created. I do have a problem with the couple planning and hosting it themselves. That being said, I would probably still try to go unless it bothered me so much that I was worried that my discomfort would be obvious to others. I also thing that the OP's way of handling it is a good one. What she is planning on doing when the baby is born is just as important as attending a shower and requires a greater level of commitment. I know that I would have killed to have help like that when my 2nd was born.


ETC: I don't know how attending became handling. Must be pregnancy brain.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Maybe she never got to have a shower before, as others have suggested, and her dh felt badly and wanted to make it happen. I would not go for greedy gift grab. I'd go with nice dh. :)

[specialp]

I think I'm going to stick with my original plan to knit her something for the baby, cook some freezer dinners, and arrange for playdates at my house for her other two to give her time alone with the baby. I'll drop everything off after the new little one is born.

Very generous! Any new-again mom would be thrilled with the help and I'm sure your friend will.

[american_mama]

I read this thread title correctly at first, but now I keep reading it as a DH s ithrowing a child around, WWYD? A pretty far cry from what the actual title is!

[Jai]

I'm from the South, and it's still not proper to have a shower a) thrown by a relative or b) for subsequent children, even if of a different gender. Sure, it still happens, but I appreciate such "rules" of behavior. I also believe in hand-written thank you notes and RSVPs, but those are going the way of the dinosaur, too. :(

:yeahthat: i also prefer mailed paper invitations.



Except that saying "No Gifts" on an invitation is also against etiquette because that means you assume people are going to bring gifts and its never right to assume gifts.

My understanding is that when you invite someone to a "shower," a gift is expected. Isnt that the purpose of a shower? To "shower" the hostess with gifts?

If the party was called something other than "shower," but it was still to celebrate the new baby, I would consider it less tacky. I would be more likely to attend and bring a small gift.