Suddenly terrified of moving to suburbs-UPDATE Post#16

[mom3boys]

I previously posted here:

http://windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=441995&highlight=coming+terms+home

About our home buying/selling drama. Well, since then, we received an offer $5K higher on our house, and we learned the house we wanted to buy was not damaged by termites, but by carpenter bees (which I had never heard of before), so while there is damage it is easier/cheaper to fix and MUCH easier to prevent in the future than termites. And let's face it, bees of any kind are less disgusting than termites.

So, we have the offer on our house, not yet signed by us because we wanted to be close to buying something else (and we aren't showing our house to anyone else). We made an offer on the bee house. The sellers have counter-offered, it's reasonable.

Two weeks ago, I remember being terrified I would lose the house we liked because we wouldn't sell ours quickly enough. Now it is all working out. And now I am terrified again. Couldn't sleep last night thinking we were making a mistake leaving.

We have lived in our house for 8 years. We have lived in the area for 11.5 years. We have fixed a lot of the things I didn't like about our house through renovation. We have a spectacular view of New York City. I doubt I will ever have a view like this again. There is FREE preschool. We have no yard. We have no driveway, have to park on the street. Unloading 3 kids on the street is never enjoyable. We have no fireplace. Our street is nice. The views increase the property value for our street. The neighboring street, a main thoroughfare, is run-down and slummy looking, and it is the only way to access our street. The schools are terrible, but, of course just as we are about to leave DS1 was accepted off the wait-list for a good K-5 charter school, which means his brothers could go to the school, so that could be taken care of for the next 5 years.

The new house is on 1.5 acres with a huge, secluded back yard ending at a brook. There is no visible house on the other side of the brook. There is a 2 car garage. It is on a cul-de-sac. There is an inground pool. It is 3300 square feet, so much bigger than we have now. The elementary school is ranked 4th in the state. Despite the seclusion the commuter train stop is a .6 mile walk. There is a downtown there comprised of a few restaurants and retail stores, and a larger downtown in the opposite direction with many more restaurants and retail stores. But the house needs work. And it is at the top of our price point, and the taxes are higher, and the commuting will cost much more.

And, it's an affluent town. I don't know how much I will really like that. I am worried the school will be a "pressure cooker" as the kids get older. It is SO much less diverse. Mostly white, a little Asian, not much else. My current city has every kind of race and ethnicity and combination thereof you could dream of.The vibe is just so much different.

Anyway, I'm not making much sense but I don't know if it is fear of the unknown or what that is affecting me. I have been wanting to move for years and suddenly I feel this huge sense like I don't want to go. I know some of you have recently made moves. Did you have the same feeling? I really thought I'd be truly relieved to leave, but somehow I'm not.

[wifecat]

Just did this. Not exactly, but we lived in an urban downtown area in an 1865 rowhouse. Tiny. No yard. Walkable to everything. Drug dealers on corner. Diverse neighborhood. Views of city skyline. We lived there for almost 9 years, and we just ditched everything and moved to Colorado. While we technically live in the city, we're really in suburbia in uber-crunchy Boulder. Totally different than where we were living. 3400 sq. ft. Awesome yard. Cul-de-sac. Lacking in diversity. Close to the grocery store, 15-20 minutes to everything else. Views of the mountains.

It's so different, and I thought I wanted that, but I also freaked out right before we moved. I was really freaked out that I would hate it - I've never lived in a suburb. But, turns out...I love it. I was ready to ditch the sirens and the drug dealers and the dog poop from the city dwellers who didn't bother to pick up after their dog...I was done. My kids ride their bikes in the cul-de-sac, play at the park two blocks away, play in our backyard, and we love love love our house.

Not that my experience will be yours. But the only way you'll know...is to do it. The grass isn't greener. It's just different.

PS - some nights I want nothing more than to walk down to the Inner Harbor, to hear the city sounds, to go to Camden Yards and watch my beloved Os in their first offseason in 15 years. Some nights, like tonight, I miss it a lot. But most of the time, 99% of the time, I am so, so glad to be here.

[wifecat]

And I know you said in your last post that the yard issue was big. It was for us, too. In fact, a major reason we wanted to move. We LOVE our yard. We have tons of trees and room for an outdoor playset, a sandbox...we just got a slackline and a grill - we are out there all. the. time. Our neighbors think it's funny how much we're out there, but it's like we've been without water and we're getting a giant gulp of it now!

[mom3boys]

And I know you said in your last post that the yard issue was big. It was for us, too. In fact, a major reason we wanted to move. We LOVE our yard. We have tons of trees and room for an outdoor playset, a sandbox...we just got a slackline and a grill - we are out there all. the. time. Our neighbors think it's funny how much we're out there, but it's like we've been without water and we're getting a giant gulp of it now!

I think this is one of the reasons we went for the big yard. DH wouldn't even look at a house on a small lot (of which there are a lot). DS3 is 15 months and wants to walk around and I follow him on the sidewalk avoiding poop and grabbing cigarette butts from him as soon as he picks them up. It would be nice to give him a few feet of distance in a yard!

I should also note, neither DH nor I are natives of the current city or future city, or even this state. We both gave up our "hometowns" long ago. The move will put us no closer or further to/from relatives. It is further to work, but that's the price for space.

I am so happy to hear you like your new place, that does make me feel better. Oh and congrats, while I was typing the O's just won! (I am a fan of anyone playing the Yankees :)

[HannaAddict]

Good luck. I would not want a brook or in ground pool with kids, (i know many would) but can see wanting a yard of some sort and driveway and garage. Hope it works out for you.

[squimp]

I grew up on an acre with a creek. It was wonderful and I spent hours and days and weeks there. So much to do and see and learn. I grew up catching crayfish and salamanders and now am a PhD ecologist studying streams. I hope you love it, sounds absolutely wonderful to me.

[hellokitty]

OP, step back and read your post from an objective person's view. If you read about the description btwn your house in the city vs. the house in the suburbs, it sounds to me like moving to the suburbs is a wonderful move for your family. If you gave ppl the choice btwn the two descriptions, I guarantee, that ppl would choose the suburban house. I understand being attached to a house, but look at it this way. Your new home will be a new adventure and you can make new memories there. Good luck, your new home sounds lovely, enjoy it.

[anonomom]

I think it's natural to be scared and have second thoughts before any move. It doesn't mean you're making a mistake; just that what you're doing is big and different and scary.

The place you describe moving to sounds like heaven to me. Space, a pool, great schools and at least some easy access to shops/restaurants. Granted that I am not a city person, but I would pick the suburb you describe over a city any day.

As far as the pressure cooker, yeah, that could happen. I grew up in a town very similar to what you described and my school was full of very driven kids. The plus side was that it was cool to be smart and I really feel like the competition made everyone better. The downside in my town was a lack of diversity and an abundance of kids with entitlement issues who honestly thought kids of color had "unfair advantages" when it came to college admissions, etc. But that was decades ago -- I'd hope that society in general is more enlightened now.

[arivecchi]

We just took the plunge and honestly - wish we had done it sooner! I would have never envisioned myself living outside of the city. We moved to a suburb about an hour away with a rural feel (we have 5 acres) but close to a commuter train station. It is perfect. We love having our large wooded lot, we love the privacy, we love having more room in our house, we love that our kids are growing up in such a storybook setting, we love the excellent public schools and the better and cheaper activities for kids. In more urban environments, it can be such a hassle to do things with kids. I have found our new community much more welcoming of families with kids and things are geared towards families so many things are much easier. We moved to a very affluent community and while the thought that academic and athletic competition and social pressures could be pretty intense down the line has crossed my mind, I think we would have faced that in the city as well.

The house you plan to buy sounds idyllic and I think you will kick yourself if you don't get it. You already know the negatives of the area you live in. I would not let fear of change stop you. Spend some weekend time in the area you are looking to move to and see how you feel. We drove to our new town countless times before our move and towards the end I could barely wait to move! Now this formerly urban girl cannot envision living anywhere else!

[arivecchi]

Oh, and we also moved to a town that has a tiny minority population. My DH jokes that I am the .01% Hispanic population. It has not been an issue so far. People have been very welcoming and friendly and I prefer the less diverse but friendlier attitude here. My kids will always be exposed to my culture and values, so I am not concerned about them not realizing there is diversity in this world. I think you can certainly work on that as a parent regardless of your background.

[daisysmom]

Just did this. Not exactly, but we lived in an urban downtown area in an 1865 rowhouse. Tiny. No yard. Walkable to everything. Drug dealers on corner. Diverse neighborhood. Views of city skyline. We lived there for almost 9 years, and we just ditched everything and moved to Colorado. While we technically live in the city, we're really in suburbia in uber-crunchy Boulder. Totally different than where we were living. 3400 sq. ft. Awesome yard. Cul-de-sac. Lacking in diversity. Close to the grocery store, 15-20 minutes to everything else. Views of the mountains.

It's so different, and I thought I wanted that, but I also freaked out right before we moved. I was really freaked out that I would hate it - I've never lived in a suburb. But, turns out...I love it. I was ready to ditch the sirens and the drug dealers and the dog poop from the city dwellers who didn't bother to pick up after their dog...I was done. My kids ride their bikes in the cul-de-sac, play at the park two blocks away, play in our backyard, and we love love love our house.

Not that my experience will be yours. But the only way you'll know...is to do it. The grass isn't greener. It's just different.



We live in a very similar neighborhood as OP and this PP. Our house is 1904. There are many things that I love about our house and even our very urban neighborhood. But I also see that my DD needs to come first, and she does need a more neighborhood setting with more kids around.

I am not sure when we will move, but it will be in the next few years. And I LOVE our house. But DH and I had the talk last night and we agree that this really isn't the question (and our DD loves it too). It is doing what is best for her, and best for our family unit. And we agree that while we will have some adjustments to make, the best thing for all of us in the long run is to have a house in a neighborhood with more kids and closer to the school we are going to.

We have friends that have made the exact move that we will make, and like the one you are contemplating. They all say that they freaked out right before too. That's natural. But look down the long road and make the decision that is right for your family. None of them regret the move.

[sste]

You know, this freakout seems to me mostly a positive sign that you have been living your life well and happily! I did not experience a freakout because we waited too long to move by a year or two and I was miserable carrying two kids up three flights of stairs in a vintage condo, etc. The reason for my lack of freakout was that I had reached the point in the city that I was truly unhappy.

I think that the fact that you made a good life for your family bodes well for you making a similarly good life in the suburbs. When we moved to a close-in, fairly urban suburb I literally wandered around for months, saying "wow, I don't have to pledge an organ to get my kid into preschool" or "the park and rec has an ecology center WITH parking!!" Also, I made friends much more easily in the suburbs for a variety of reasons including that it is easy to get around and therefore to hang out. Life is so much more convenient.

As for the pressure cooker, forewarned and all that. There are ways to prepare your kids for that and also to minimize those pressures.

[mom3boys]

You know, this freakout seems to me mostly a positive sign that you have been living your life well and happily! I did not experience a freakout because we waited too long to move by a year or two and I was miserable carrying two kids up three flights of stairs in a vintage condo, etc. The reason for my lack of freakout was that I had reached the point in the city that I was truly unhappy.

The funny thing is that I was there a couple of years ago. 2 young kids, 1895 row house, many stairs, 1 bathroom total in 4 floors of space. Sometimes I had to use a stroller to go from my parking spot to my house. But I have neighbors whose kids are older than mine, and they seem to be making it work. And now that two of MY kids are older and can navigate stairs, be trusted not to run into the street, etc. I am just reminding myself that for the past 5 years as spring comes I get depressed, not happy, because going outside for my kids in summer means I have to pack everyone up and take them somewhere. It will be nice to say, "go outside and play" (pool fenced in, creek off limits, off course!).


Oh yes, and every time I go out of the city I am like, Oh my goodness, I don't have to look for parking!

[daisysmom]

[QUOTE=mom3boys;3616676]. I am just reminding myself that for the past 5 years as spring comes I get depressed, not happy, because going outside for my kids in summer means I have to pack everyone up and take them somewhere. It will be nice to say, "go outside and play" (pool fenced in, creek off limits, off course!).

[QUOTE]

This is us. I love our house and we have plenty of space (4600 feet, not counting a partially finished basement). And my 5 year old DD does know not to run into the street, she will climb the stairs (we always used a stroller from parking space to house too), etc. But what urban living lacks (I think) is the ability to go outside and ride your bike or scooter with friends. We literally have no young kids living close to us. There is something to be said for the ability to just be outside as a kid.

If it were just DH and me, we would live in our house forever, we love it that much. But as we all know, our lives are not our own anymore. You do things like this for your children.

[elbenn]

Your new house sounds lovely. I bet once you are moved in, you will really enjoy it.

[mom3boys]

Just wanted to update: We are under contract on the new house! Now I am just sleepless trying to figure out how we are going to get this all done in 60 days . . .

[arivecchi]

Yay! Best of luck! Hope everything goes smoothly!

[crl]

Just wanted to update: We are under contract on the new house! Now I am just sleepless trying to figure out how we are going to get this all done in 60 days . . .

Right there with you! Best of luck!

Catherine