No, my job is not just shuttling the dc, MIL

[brgnmom]

I feel sick to my stomach right now, and wish I could turn back the time to 18 months ago, when we used to live several long hours away from the ILs. Mil called a half an hour after DC's bedtime (even though I had asked her not to call the landline after 8:30 pm, as dd is a light sleeper), and dh picked up the phone. I was nearby and dh mentioned that I was there, even though I did not want to talk to mil. The last time I saw her, she blatantly mentioned that I had "finally lost the pooch" in reference to my body, and it was not in a very nice tone. now during the phone conversation, she commented about whether I've been busy "just shuttling the kids around like a taxi driver." She doesn't know that I have taken on two p/t jobs and I'm the sole room mom for dc1's class. I finally revealed those things and told her I had get off the phone because dc woke up, and they need their rest before attending Sunday school tomorrow. Well, dh comes over to me after I ended the phone conversation, and told me that he did not like me sounding defensive towards his mom.

Seriously? I held it together and kept mum when mil judged my body and made comments over the summer. But when it comes to my role as a mother and describing it like I am just my DC's driver, and I do nothing else, I needed to speak up and tell her that is not how it is like. I so envy those who have loving MILs, and those with MILs who have the common sense not to throw sarcastic comments at their DILs. My mom has several friends who are so much sweeter and I often wish that one of them could have been my MIL.

[goldenpig]

What? That's crazy! Commenting about your body is way out of line! (Not that you even had anything wrong with your figure!) The taxi driver comment I guess could be taken a lot of different ways depending on how her tone was (sympathetic vs. derogatory), but it sounds like you've had a lot of issues in the past with subtle (or not-so-subtle) disapproval that make it seem like every comment she makes is a dig at you. I'd sound defensive too if that were the case. I'm sorry she's being so mean to you. You're plenty busy enough without having to deal with her crap. What bothers me more though is DH's reaction. I mean, she called after the kids were asleep after you asked her not to and then he gets mad at you? That would piss me off more. He should be more supportive of you. Sounds like his reaction is not helping the relationship between you and MIL if you feel he is always taking her side. Can you share with him more about how her comments make you feel and ask him to tell his mom not to call so late? Big hugs, sorry things are so stressful. :hug:

[DrSally]

Next time, tell
Dh to tAlk to her. Seriously, why does he pick up the phone and hand it to you, it's his mother.

[brgnmom]

What? That's crazy! Commenting about your body is way out of line! (Not that you even had anything wrong with your figure!) The taxi driver comment I guess could be taken a lot of different ways depending on how her tone was (sympathetic vs. derogatory), but it sounds like you've had a lot of issues in the past with subtle (or not-so-subtle) disapproval that make it seem like every comment she makes is a dig at you. I'd sound defensive too if that were the case. I'm sorry she's being so mean to you. You're plenty busy enough without having to deal with her crap. What bothers me more though is DH's reaction. I mean, she called after the kids were asleep after you asked her not to and then he gets mad at you? That would piss me off more. He should be more supportive of you. Sounds like his reaction is not helping the relationship between you and MIL if you feel he is always taking her side. Can you share with him more about how her comments make you feel and ask him to tell his mom not to call so late? Big hugs, sorry things are so stressful. :hug:


Next time, tell
Dh to tAlk to her. Seriously, why does he pick up the phone and hand it to you, it's his mother.

Thank you ladies for your support. :heartbeat: Dh wants me to call to apologize to mil tomorrow morning, because I sounded defensive and he thinks that I am being too sensitive towards her comments. So I will have to make the phone call, because he said that he wants to be married to someone who respects his mom (understandably). But I don't think that mil's comments are all that nice towards me, and it sucks that dh doesn't quite understand my perspective. :sigh: On another note, I wish we hadn't added a landline because now mil calls that number in the evenings and doesn't bother with our cell numbers, but I know we need to keep the landline for safety reasons. Thank you again for being there.

[goldenpig]

Thank you ladies for your support. :heartbeat: Dh wants me to call to apologize to mil tomorrow morning, because I sounded defensive and he thinks that I am being too sensitive towards her comments. So I will have to make the phone call, because he said that he wants to be married to someone who respects his mom (understandably). But I don't think that mil's comments are all that nice towards me, and it sucks that dh doesn't quite understand my perspective. :sigh: On another note, I wish we hadn't added a landline because now mil calls that number in the evenings and doesn't bother with our cell numbers, but I know we need to keep the landline for safety reasons. Thank you again for being there.

Umm, hello DH, respecting your MIL does not include being a doormat and tolerating all her putdowns without feeling upset. Plus it doesn't sound like you really said anything bad to her either. I can't believe he is making you apologize to your MIL! Though I understand and would probably "apologize" anyways to keep the peace if I were in that situation (I know some people might not understand Asian family dynamics and wonder how you could not stick up for yourself). I hope you can find a way to talk with him and resolve some of these issues. IMO this whole situation says more about him than about MIL (ie you can't change your MIL, but maybe you can try to help him see how much this is bothering you and see if you can enlist his support). Good luck and more hugs. :hug:

[HannaAddict]

Your husband is married to you, not his mother. Is he kidding that you should apologize? That would so not happen. I get the crazy MILs but what I don't get are the husbands . . . including my BIL, who don't support their wives and shut down their moms. You guys are a unit, a couple, a family and your feelings matter and come first. If you called her a :($5 and hung up on her, then call and say sorry, but for what you described, it will just encourage her to criticize you and drive a wedge between you and your husband. These issues are totally worthy of counseling too, to get on the same page. FWIW, we did our arguing about my MIL while dating. and she was future MIL. I watched her behavior to her DIL and how negative she was to me, and would not have married him if we did not agree on her and how to deal with her (limit info and contact). We both watched her assist in dismantling and destroying his older brother's marriage.

[hopeful_mama]

What about you wanting to be married to someone who respects his wife??

I have apologized to the ILs for something where they were waaaaay more out of line in order to keep the peace - but that had ended up being a huge blowup, and there were concerns they might not visit or keep in contact (it was all very strange). For something more minor like that, I'd say MIL can suck it up, especially if she's not demanding an apology. At best I'd want to offer to DH that I'd be extra nice next time. But an apology...for sticking up for yourself...ugh. [I get you might feel you have to anyway, and good luck to you in that case.]

As for the landline, can you tell everyone that you're turning off the ringer after X time, and for them to call your cell phones then? If the safety reason of a landline is just for outgoing calls this wouldn't affect it. Heck if that were it, there's no reason you couldn't keep the ringer off all the time and just give out cell #s... And MIL can't reasonably get annoyed about this if she can still directly call you.

[hillview]

OP I am so sorry. That is a rotten spot to be in.

[crl]

Wow. I would be really angry with dh for not taking my side. I am sorry you are in this position.

Catherine

[ha98ed14]

I don't think you should call her. You have nothing to apologize for! Your DH is WRONG, WRONG, WRONG!!! This IS a hill worth dying on so that you can respect yourself. Sorry, but your DH is being an --insert word here that starts with a and ends with e with two s's, an h and an l in the middle!--. Respect yourself and stand up for yourself. Don't call.

[dogmom]

OOPS< sorry, I just remembered I was in the BP. Feel free to ignore the advice below, you can just bitch if you want. : )
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ _________


Is it possible that your MIL is making those comments in a way that she thinks is helpful? (Bare with me ladies! Don't pull out the knives yet!)

I come from a pretty sarcastic household. I can totally see my mother making comments to a DIL that would be her way of commiserating (OH, all you do is shuttle those kids around!) which in her mind would be sympathizing with your burdens, but completely be off the mark. What does your DH think of the comments? Has he said? This might be a lot more about how she views her experience as a mother (it ruins your body and sucks the life out of you) than how she views you.

No, I don't need think you need to apologize. But if your husband thinks there is a mismatch between what your MIL is trying to say and what you are hearing I think it is up to HIM to explain to you and your MIL that these comments are not working and how to reconfigure them.

[MamaMolly]

I don't agree with your DH at all. I'd personally have real issues with being asked to apologize in that situation, and I don't see it as you being respectful as much as you being a door mat. Maybe that is DH's definition of respect? I don't know but it raises a lot of red flags as well as my hackles.

Going forward I'd fall back on my Southern roots and be obnoxiously, gooey, sweet and nice to MIL. Agree with her no matter what she says. It shuts down the conversation and completely annoys the other person who is trying to get a reaction from you by being nasty.

[brgnmom]

Thank you everyone for your support!
I do think dh is being a bit unreasonable here. If I wanted to be rude, I would have started the conversation by stating that mil was calling after the kids' bedtime and set a negative tone. But I didn't remind her and I was just having a casual conversation with her until she asked whether I've been busy just shuttling the kids around. I then told her that I've been busy with different p/t projects.

She also went on a tangent regarding our first home, and how it would have been better if there were carpet (versus hardwood flooring) because it is easier to clean. I have a differing opinion (after renting for 7+ years of being married and trying to clean carpet which held stains of dc's food trails, etc) and told her that I had to go because dd woke up and I handed the phone to dh. I didn't state my rationale for why I believe cleaning up a mess on hardwood floor is easier though and probably sounded annoyed and rushed to get off the phone.

I will call if dh remembers that I "should" call his mom back. Otherwise I will keep the peace and not call her, because mil certainly likes to brew things. Before she called, dh and I were going to watch a movie at home, which did not happen. dh's response gets to me, considering that his mom hasn't been all that nice towards me or DC who are technically her grandchildren.

Thank you again.

[brgnmom]

I don't agree with your DH at all. I'd personally have real issues with being asked to apologize in that situation, and I don't see it as you being respectful as much as you being a door mat. Maybe that is DH's definition of respect? I don't know but it raises a lot of red flags as well as my hackles.

Going forward I'd fall back on my Southern roots and be obnoxiously, gooey, sweet and nice to MIL. Agree with her no matter what she says. It shuts down the conversation and completely annoys the other person who is trying to get a reaction from you by being nasty.

Love your tip. I think I should try that in the future and see her response. ;).

[California]

Let's be honest here-- Why would you apologize-- MIL got exactly what she wanted! She managed to upset you, get your DH on her side, and stir things up.

And MamaMolly is so right! The best revenge is to stonewall with fake sweetness and brief nonresponses. Her suggestion is exactly what my kids were taught at an antibullying class last year- I guess the "bless your heart" Southerners had this all figured out all along :rotflmao:. For "mean girl" behavior the kids role played responding with a quick smile, a nice neutral response, and walked away. Inside: pissed, angry, frustrated, whatever. Outside: "What an interesting observation! I'm going to go check on DS now." Or, "I'll have that bottle of wine now."

[doberbrat]

this is why I insisted on having a phone w/a do not disturb feature!

I wouldnt appologize. But then again, I do not, as a rule, speak to my IL much. They're dh's relatives. I'll say hi, wish them happy birthday, holidays, and pass the phone to dh or the kids.

[Mali]

If DH remembers and still insists that you apologize, give a non-apology. Then it sounds like an apology, but you're not actually apologizing for anything you did. :)

[StantonHyde]

ITA with the above. Either get a phone with a do not disturb feature or unplug the phone when you start the bedtime routine--that way dd can't be disturbed--blame it on all the political calls you were getting!!

[niccig]

ITA with the above. Either get a phone with a do not disturb feature or unplug the phone when you start the bedtime routine--that way dd can't be disturbed--blame it on all the political calls you were getting!!

DH got a call blocker as we get so many telemarketer calls. You program in the numbers you want blocked eg. 1888 or 18000 etc. You can also program a complete number, so MIL calls could be completely blocked!

I agree with the fake sweetness. I tried with MIL and SIL and well, it's just easier to smile and say something non-committal and then get busy with something. They're both very passive-aggressive so if you say anything substantial it gets twisted or repeated on to other people. Much easier to just small talk.

[hellokitty]

Wow, so your DH thinks that his callous mother deserves an apology from you??? First of all, yeah I totally get it. I would be seething if my mil said that crap, in fact she has said similar crap before and that is one of the many reasons why I dislike her. As for the apology, I wouldn't get upset with mil about this. Your DH sounds like he is the one with this idea, so he is the problem. I would be hopping mad at him and go off on him for this attitude.

I have been through this with my DH too. During the first six yrs of our marriage, mil continued to be a total b*tch toward me and my DH felt that b/c I did not just happily accept his mother's, "advice," that I was being rude to his rude mother. Then we had kids and something finally clicked with DH and he started to see his mother for who she is. That she is NOT a nice person and was giving me a hard time just for kicks. Before that realization, he just had it in my mind that *I* was the problem, even though it was his mother who was the problem and since he was brought up to always pity his mother, he always felt bad for her and said I was being, "mean" to her (I wasn't mean, I just didn't want anything to do with her, since she's a miserable person to be around, but he perceived this as me being mean to his mom). Anyway, he finally set his foot down a few times when mil was up to her meddlesome ways again, and when HE was the one who put her in her place and stood up for me, she started to stand down. She is a still a PITA, but far less so than the first half of our marriage. Now that she knows that my DH won't let her get away with whatever she wants, she is more careful. Of course, now he says he feels sorry for her (for not being able to be her evil self), and having to be careful for what she says around me. I don't feel one bit sad about that. Boo hoo, a mil who tries to act civil toward her dil? Is it really THAT hard? My mil now acts like she is a martyr, b/c she holds her tongue more than before. I just roll my eyes. She is a high maint lady and treats both of her dils like crap, but acts like we are the ones who are the problem, not her.

So, while this is a bitching post, my suggestion to you is that you and your DH need to sit down and talk and HE needs to reign his mother in. She is obviously out-of-control and the whole, "choose me or choose her" thing is childish and causing more issues. Until he needs to tell her to back off and butt out, she is just going to keep this up. If she gets upset, that's great, don't feel bad. I always love it when my mil gets pissed at us, that means she stays out of our hair for a couple months by giving us the silent treatment. :p I love it when she gives us the silent treatment, it's such a treat!

[OKKiddo]

I also have a really big issues with my mil. I have heard all of the weight comments, she's taken over my kitchen and thrown out my meal to fix her own for everyone, etc. After having several arguments with her and with dh about her, I haven't reached out to be friendly with her and she only calls dh on his cell phone now. I'm fine with that. And since we've had so many kids of our own (3) and no longer fit in her small 2 bedroom home while visiting we get to stay in a hotel and I have more space.

So, if you can, just stop dealing with her. Set up some ground rules/boundaries with your husband of what you're comfortable with him sharing and what you'd rather keep to yourselves or that would need discussing first before shared. If there's something in your family's life that she wants to know about she can ask her son. If you're all visiting in the same room together kill her with kindness and never let her know she got to you. You're son will see how petty and rude/controlling she is all by himself when there's no one left to argue with (and she takes it out on him instead of you--so even bigger bonus because then he'll get tired of her too instead of you arguing with each other).

Good luck!

[brgnmom]

Hi ladies,

Thank you again for all your advice. Well, fortunately, Dh did come to his senses on his own and realized that I wasn't the one who needed to apologize and that his mom needed to. He called her and asked her to apologize to me. When he confronted her, she unsurprisingly stated that I was just being sensitive. Dh stated outright to his mom that she was the primary source of our conflicts, and we might not spend the holidays w/ them this year as a result.

I'm definitely going to look into those phone features, along with playing up the small talk & sweetness factor. I think I also need to flat out limit my contact with MIL, and Dh's side of the family. The next time she calls, I will walk to the other room before Dh can hand the phone over to me (or better yet, I'll have figured out whether we have the block function). hellokitty, I can relate to your positive response to the silent treatment. Thank you (x a million times over again) for being there.

[goldenpig]

Thank goodness he came to his senses and did the right thing! Glad it all worked out. :thumbsup: I hope your MIL hears what he said and changes her behavior. Sounds like you have a good plan in place to deal with her in the future.

[niccig]

Yay DH. I'm glad he realized you weren't being mean, his mother was. Now that he's stood up for you, hopefully MIL will think twice before being mean. If not, you two are a united front.

[MamaMolly]

The next time she calls, I will walk to the other room before Dh can hand the phone over to me (or better yet, I'll have figured out whether we have the block function). .

I bet every phone has a ringer on and off switch. Oops. You keep accidentally turning the ringer off when you 'dust' the phone. Oops.

[California]

Way to go DH! What a positive update.

One of the benefits to staying "kind with firm boundaries" with family is that there is always the possibility people will change for the better with time, and you'll have a healthy enough relationship with them to know if they do. This has been the case in our family. If we'd cut them off or allowed them to be continually disrespectful towards us (which would have made us too resentful to see their positive qualities), we wouldn't have the more positive relationships we have now.

[Globetrotter]

When he confronted her, she unsurprisingly stated that I was just being sensitive. Dh stated outright to his mom that she was the primary source of our conflicts, and we might not spend the holidays w/ them this year as a result.

Very good! I'm glad he stood up for you and set some boundaries!

[ha98ed14]

Very good! I'm glad he stood up for you and set some boundaries!

Very good indeed! I'm impressed that he redeemed himself because he has ventured a long way down the path to Ahole!

[hellokitty]

OP, I'm glad that your DH came to his senses. Also, we got rid of our landline about 3 yrs ago and that was a HUGE change for the better. Now my mil was basically forced to directly call DH's cell phone if she needed something (and he gets to deal with her, and I have to say that I really like this, b/c he has to deal with her 100%, instead of me mostly dealing with her, and he will even complain about her to me about her and it just makes it all better that he now gets why his mother drives me cray. It left me out of it (I really resented that most times she treated me like Dh's secretary) all together. She is psycho though and if he doesn't pick up his phone, she thinks that he died in a ditch somewhere, so then she calls me in a panic, asking me if he is ok, b/c he didn't answer her call. Heaven forbid, he stop in the middle of a open heart surgery, b/c his stupid mother wants to chat. Anyway, I don't answer her phone calls, I let it go to VM. DH says it drives his mother crazy, but I know that the ONLY reason she calls me is if she can't get a hold of my DH.

I am kind of OT, but this story will give you some satisfaction. One time we were running late for something and were trying to load three kids into their carseats. My mil called DH, but his hands were full, so he didn't answer his cell phone, so then she called my phone and of course, I refuse to pick up, knowing that she had just called DH and was just going to treat me like a secretary. So then she calls DH back again, and he's still busy so can't pick up and then she calls my phone again, and of course I refuse to answer, knowing that it's her. DH got exasperated and told me, "Do you realize that you are driving my mother nuts???" I said, "GOOD, I'm glad that for once *I* get to drive HER nuts, she drives me nuts ALL of the time!" He actually started laughing, since it's true. His reasoning though regarding his mom is that she isn't going to change, so we should just accommodate her (which is why she is so horrible, this is what decades of accommodating a spoiled brat does). My sil and I are on the same page and feel that mil is capable of change, and that she just doesn't want to change, plays stupid and is a perpetual victim in the eyes of fil, and her two grown sons. Already in the past few yrs, she has toned it down a bit, knowing that everyone is sick of her BS. She still has to give us a dose of crazy at least every other month, but it's better than dealing with it every couple of weeks.

Good luck! If I were you, I'd even think about fibbing and telling her you are getting rid of your landline, just to force her to call your DH directly (even if you keep your landline). It will save your sanity. When we had our landline (and I also refused to answer when I saw the caller ID was mil), my mil used to hang up and then call our cell phones anyway to bug us. So, it was like a lose-lose situation, since I was basically getting called twice (ie: landline and my cell) and then if DH was at work, it would just go straight to VM anyway, so it didn't bug him. Worse yet, she would leave the landline message in korean (I'm not korean), so how the hell was I supposed to pass the msg onto DH when I didn't understand what the heck she was even saying?? She would get so upset with him asking him why he didn't call her back sooner, when most of it was he own fault and worse yet, she has such a bad habit of crying wolf, that nobody in the family takes her seriously anymore, since she makes a big deal out of stupid stuff. I told DH that some day his mother is going to have a true emergency and nobody is going to react to it the way they should, b/c she has cried wolf so many times. He agrees with me on that one.

[oneplustwo]

I bet every phone has a ringer on and off switch. Oops. You keep accidentally turning the ringer off when you 'dust' the phone. Oops.

Ha! Love this!! :ROTFLMAO::ROTFLMAO:

OP, so glad to hear that your DH is actively supporting you now about all this.

[AshleyAnn]

The next time she calls, I will walk to the other room before Dh can hand the phone over to me (or better yet, I'll have figured out whether we have the block function).

Why does he hand the phone to you anyway? He should know by now you dont get along well and run interference. I rarely ever spoke to my MIL when I married because we didnt have much to say, DH spoke to her much more often and he never talked to my mom on the phone even though I talked to her daily.