WOHMs - how much "extra" stuff do you do?

[TxCat]

I guess my question is, how many non-hobby commitments do you take on? Stuff like charitable organizations, helping out with activities in DC's schools, PTO, snack parent for DC's sporting events, hosting large parties/gatherings for friends/family, etc.

I feel like I can barely keep things together as it is these days - work, toddler, home stuff (cooking, grocery shopping, etc.), marriage. And by "together" I mean that I'm happy if everyone is alive and not crying by the end of the day. So, I find myself saying "no" more and more to extra things lately, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm being too stringent or extreme about it.

[niccig]

We have 30 hour volunteer commitment at DS's school per family. I was a committee chair but stopped for this year, as not there enough for what I was doing. I have done team parent for sporting teams but the babysitter has to take DS this year, so I didn't volunteer. DH is the referee for the soccer team, so that's our commitment - he's at the game anyway, so he may as well help out. He can't make practice times, so he can't coach. Referee is less of a time commitment, but they really appreciate his help during the game.

I didn't do anything when DS was in preschool and I was a SAHM for that period. I did get involved when he started school, but I was also careful what I took on. My committee wasn't one of the major fundraisers. Other school volunteer hours we try to schedule when we're there anyway eg. at Halloween Party, so I'll volunteer to man a booth for an hour etc. Dh or I will drive on field trips if we can. I think it's key to split the commitment with your DH

Some things also get easier as DS gets older. Eg. getting ready for school was always a battle. Now in grade 2, he gets up, eats breakfast, gets ready without any help or constant reminders. We've only been late once this year so far.

I don't think it's wrong to say no to things for a while. I've cut back on a lot since return to grad school. I'm still helping out, but I keep quiet and don't run things.

DH and have just started hosting people at our house again. We haven't for some time because of how busy we are, but felt we were losing touch with our friends. So, we're making an effort to do that. We had friends over Sunday for dinner - we kept it low key (grill, salad etc), but still had to clean up the house. It meant I was a bit rushed to prep. for my test today but we really enjoyed their visit, so it was worth it.

[theriviera]

Umm, nothing.

I have become a ruthless prioritizer.

Well, wait, we do have people over a lot, but it's pretty low key. I love to cook though so that makes me happy. My kids are still little so we haven't had any volunteer opportunities.

I'm actually scaling back though and will start working PT in the new year. I hope to be able to commit to more extra activities.

[bigsis]

Your siggy tells me you have a 2yo? I didn't do anything that was not mandatory when I had toddlers in the house.

Now, I have a 9yo and an almost 7yo. I can do a lot more things.

To nurture my marriage, we do a happy hour night once a week. We stay at home, put the kids to bed at exactly 8pm, have beers and appetizers.

For the school/community, I am very active in the PTA and I am a coordinator for something small. I help at my son's classroom when I'm needed....takes up maybe 2-3 hrs a week.

For my social life, I do Moms' Night Out, maybe 3-4x a year. I send an Evite for a bunch of moms to get together at a local restaurant. I invite a family or two for Super Bowls, or any other bigger sport thingy on TV.

And you know, of course, the kids get the rest of the time, homework, activities, reading time.

We also go to church on Sundays, but don't expect anything out of me after church. I lounge then.... ;)

[tarahsolazy]

Nothing other than attending stuff for the kids, and we have VERY limited activities compared to many families.

I also make working out a priority for myself, which my DH is very much in support of.

[mom2binsd]

I WOTH, but my schedule is somewhat flexible, I work weekends and most weekdays but don't usually work 8 hour days.

I'm a single parent, DD is 9, DS is 6. XH was never any help with any of this prior to our divorce and never did any housework etc and now that he's gone it's actually easier!

These are all little things, I hope that my involvement is setting an example to my children that I want to be an active part of their lives and activities. These activities don't really take that much time and don't keep me from spending time with my DC.

At school I am a room parent in DS's class, not too much work. mostly emails and then buying gifts/collecting money/thinking of Teacher appreciation activities for kids. I try to plan to be at the school parties and help out at the school Carnival - usually do cleanup/help get donations. I also bring in food for teacher luncheons. I also sub for the reading volunteers about 6 times a year.

My kids take dance and I am friends with the teacher/owner. Last year I organized/designed a dance themed tree for the studio to enter into the Festival of Trees. This year I help out in the studio store processing payments/selling merchandise in the store, it's only once a week during class. Later in the year I will help with costume sorting, the Christmas recital and June recital.

My son is in hockey. No fundraising etc. I helped decorate for the year end banquet and will probably do that again...no big deal, a couple hours of prep prior and about 3 hour of set up/take down- and the kids helped a lot with centerpieces etc. I offered to help the coach with sending emails to everyone, they are volunteer coaches and do an awesome job. It's easy for me to email and takes no time. I find it helps to get to know others too when they get emails from me.

During the summer the kids are on swim team. At our 5 home meets which last from 4-8pm I helped out running concessions and doing ribbons, kept me busy and I still got to watch all their races. Also brought baked goods/food items for each meet. There were about 15 of us out of about 60 parents who did the bulk of the work for the meets.

Flag football just ended, not much really, brought drinks to one game and worked the concession stand for 2 hours after one of DS's games.

I also "work" at a friends consignment sale twice a year...I am there for almost 3 days, often sleep over at her house one night as it's at a town over. I have a blast, play an important role at the sale and have made good friends...it's my mini vacation, sad I know but it's free.

I enjoy all of these and usually get to socialize during many of the activities. I usually volunteer with friends at swim meets, and have made friends through these opportunities.

My kids love to see me at school. Many of the kids at our school have SAHM who are able to be at school on more regular basis and mine have asked why I am not there more. Our school has a phenomenal number of active parents and extra programs supported by those volunteers.

[ellies mom]

I volunteer at the local free health care clinic and in DD1's classroom. That is about it. I have a really hard time holding things together. Partly because I work nights so my sleeping needs and energy levels complicate things.

[hillview]

DH and I have 2 pretty high commitment jobs. We bring snack to soccer games once a season. That is about it. Last year I was a room parent. Terrible mistake.

[elephantmeg]

I volunteer once a week at DS' school and am a cub scout den leader. Next year it will be DD's turn (she's in preschool daycare). I work nights so that gives me some extra flexability

[Meatball Mommie]

I, too, feel like I can barely keep it all together between work, home & kids, so I honestly don't offer to do much "extra".

I rarely volunteer for the kids' school, but in my defense there aren't that many opportunities for in-class type volunteering times. Last year, I volunteered to hand out pizza at one of the monthly pizza lunches. That was fine and it was good to meet other moms, but I had very little interaction with my own kids. This year, my kids elected not to even get pizza, so I am not volunteering for that again. I will volunteer for the end of the year "fun day" - I couldn't swing it last year and I wish that I had.

Both DS's play hockey and DH coaches both teams (assistant on one and head coach on the other). He's also a member of the Board for the hockey program, so he spends a lot of time on that aspect of our lives. I volunteer for the communication aspect of the program - emails for the team, posting scores on the website, helping book hotel rooms for tournaments...things I can do on my breaks at work.

I also do Suzuki piano with the boys, which requires a lot of involvement on my part.

I wish we "entertained" more with friends, but it's really hard to coordinate schedules with other families. We do more of that during the summer but do go away for a couple hockey tournaments and get to socialize at the hotels we stay in.

I like the idea of a cocktail hour with DH as a pp mentioned - cute! We struggle with "date nights" as our schedule is pretty full.

[lizzywednesday]

I used to volunteer with a committee for my alumni association, but they seem to have disbanded, which is sad because we organized an activity for alumni families with very young kids and that's a valuable thing to do to keep people involved with the University.

I also was involved with a charity 2-day walk during October (the event is celebrating its 10th anniversary this year and the NYC one will take place this weekend) but I took a break due to some catfighting within my team and just a general sense of exhaustion ... also, it was difficult having to commute all the way back to my home in NJ after a long day and make it back to Randall's Island near the RFK-Triborough Bridge on time, and I found the ride up very stressful. DH found the round-trip $100 in gas & tolls to be fairly irritating as well.

At the moment, I'm still in "survival mode" trying to balance all the things I can do with all the things I want to do.

However, that didn't stop me from volunteering as the parent-coordinator for DD's daycare's food drive next month ... or from committing to rehearsals for my high school alumni chorus (whenever they start) but I don't do a lot of "extra." Maybe that will change eventually, but I've got a 35-40 hour week and I really have been making the wrong things a priority.

ETA: I also host one holiday gathering for my family - brothers, sister, dad, nephews - at Christmas. I wouldn't see them otherwise because we travel to AZ with my ILs between Christmas and New Year's. I won't lie, it's a lot of work, but I tend to have a week's worth of vacation days PRECEDING the gathering where I can clean, shop for food & other supplies and decorate the house, so it works out. (This year, DD will be at daycare during my week off, so I'll actually get things done!!!!)

[mytwosons]

I used to volunteer one day a month at school, but used vacation time to do so. Work is just to crazy so far this year for me to take any time off. :-(

I attend PTO meetings (evening) and volunteer for their activities. We take snack once or twice per season for sports. Other than that, I don't have time for anything else.

[twowhat?]

Absolutely nothing. I'm stretched enough already with work, kids, and my own need for quiet time.

eta: whoops sorry...I'm not technically a WOHM - I'm a WAHM. And even so, I don't do anything extra.

[egoldber]

I have become a ruthless prioritizer.

:yeahthat:

I volunteer for one or two large events per year per school per kid: field day, fall festival, field trips, holiday party, etc. I don't do all of these, but I try to do a couple per year per child. Older DD's school has a lot of events on Saturdays, which makes it much easier for me to volunteer. For events during the day, I generally take a half day off of work and telework the other half.

I am assistant leader of older DD's girl scout troop and that takes a lot of time, but it is all evenings and weekend time on my part.

I also am a leader of a book club at older DD's school. That meets one day a month for 4 months.

Younger DD started elementary school this year at a new school and I am still trying to figure out the new structure and how to work things work there. I am going as a field trip chaperone next week.

[KDsMommy]

I'm a single mom and feel pretty stretched most of the time. That said, I am a volunteer Guardian ad Litem which is about a 10 hr/ month commitment. I'm also room mom and volunteer in DS' class once a week. I really want DS to know that I am very involved in his life since he only has one parent present in his life. I also volunteer in his Awana class once a quarter and at church occasionally.

[Moneypenny]

I really don't do anything other than send in treats for class parties (I like to bake, so I consider it fun).

I watched my mother do too much for my entire childhood. It ruined her health and had a negative impact on the entire family, even though much of what she was doing was for the family. By the time I was 13 I had vowed I wasn't going to be like her and I take that very seriously.

I work hard at my job, my house is well-run, DD participates in a few activities (piano, karate, swim class), I keep up with extended family members and friends, and that is enough. I just can't commit to regular classroom volunteering (which is how it works in DD's school - you help out at all art classes or for all math games). I should probably feel guilty about this, but I don't!

[daisysmom]

And by "together" I mean that I'm happy if everyone is alive and not crying by the end of the day.

Well you are one-up on us. Someone is always crying by the end of the day :) And I just have ONE child :)

In all seriousness, I also wondered about the same things that you are wondering about. I went part time at a lawfirm 2 years ago, thinking that the extra time (my timecommitment is now 1350 hours a year instead of 2000 hours a year) I would be able to do so much more, and also feel so much more in control. Yea ------ not so much! I do think I do more, but probably feel less in control (maybe due to my DD starting kindergarten this year and us not having a nanny helping out - so we have a whole new family drum beat if that makes sense). I will say that doing more though, honestly, makes me feel better. I have developped more friendships (so less of the "I feel so overwhelmed and I am the only mother who must feel this way" way of thinking) and I get more little things accomplished (I did a binding project at DD's school the other day and felt a whole new sense of accomplishment finishing it... and I never seem to really "finish" things at home or work).

Here are some of my extras, if that helps:
- work out every day for an hour (this isnt' your original question, but it really helps my mood)
- volunteer in some way in my DD's school for an hour a week (this is either at the library shelving books for an hour every other week, or in her classroom for the binding-like projects, or a class party, or I will go have lunch in the cafeteria with the kids)
- we are planning a Christmas party at our house. We did this for friends before we had DD and when she was a baby, and would have 100-150 people there. I love this way to get together with so many friends, but it is a pain to plan and get ready for.

Things I really don't do, that I used to do, and don't feel that bad about not doing anymore:
- board involvement - while I am on the board for our local SPCA, I am not nearly as active as I was in the past. It just can't be my focus now and I feel like it has been replaced by DD's new school and making friends there
- church involvement - I grew up going to mass every Sunday at 9 am my whole life, being very involved in youth group. That just isn't my focus now. I feel like my faith is just as strong, but different - I find God on my morning runs more than in our church for now. This is ok - the time will come when I re-commit but I just didn't feel like that was my calling now.

[BabbyO]

Like many of the moms here, I WOTH full time and have an hour commute each way. I managed to keep up with yoga 1x/wk until Stachio was 1 yo. After that NOTHING on a regular basis until last month.

With a 3 yo and a 1 yo in the house...I'd try to get to yoga 1-2x/mo. I didn't volunteer for anything. For the last year while the kids were at a DC center, we had to do snack 1x/mo and that was enough for me.

Late in Sept. DH agreed to watch the kids 3-5 nights a week while I go to play rehearsal so that I can be in a community theatre show that I was invited to be a part of - so no auditions, casting was by invite only. That is a bit of an honor for me...and I needed a break since I haven't done anything for fun on a semi-regular basis in more than 2 years.

We're in the last 2 weeks before the show and we're feeling the crunch as a family big time. I won't be doing anything like this for a LONG time again.

As for volunteer type things...I'll probably help out with the children's programming more at church. I filled in 2 weeks ago for one of the Sunday School teachers. It will be more on a fill in basis.

[aa2mama]

I keep volunteer committments to a minimum. I volunteer 1 evening/wk for Awana which both children are enrolled in. I send snacks to school but don't volunteer in the classrooms due to lack of vacation time banked at work.

We are hosting the family Christmas this year, which will be the one big event we've hosted at our home this year.

Keeping the family fed and clothed and happy and the house semi-clean is pretty much all-consuming.

[new_mommy25]

When DD was in preschool I was on the Parent Participation Committee. I did that for two years.

Last year I did ATP (association of teachers and parents) for 2nd grade at DS's school and it was way too big of a commitment. I don't know if I'll ever do that again. As the 2nd grade rep I had to attend monthly meetings, plan many events including social, educational, and service learning, and relay information to other parents.

This year I scaled way back on commitments. I volunteer in DD's classroom 1x a week helping the kids learn sight words. I volunteer for little things here and there only when I can, like book fair or working the class booth at the carnival, and don't feel guilty when I can't. I am team mom for DS's soccer team but I've done it for years and it's no biggie. I work in the kids' Sunday School 3-4 Sundays a month helping with the
1stgrade-6thgrade class. But I'm there anyway so I don't mind. I try to do other church things when I can. For example next Saturday we are preparing two public housing horses to be move in ready for families (painting, cleaning, repairs) and I'm really looking forward to it.

My biggest issue isn't the volunteer stuff. It's the fact that DS plays multiple sports (6 days a week) that takes a toll on me. I've become the overscheduled parent I said I never would! DD also does Girl Scouts and has a drawing&painting class. If it weren't for my husband I would be in the crazy house! Luckily we manage to get it done and still maintain our home but it takes a lot of effort and we do have to rely on the in-laws a lot for watching DD or picking her up from school. DH and I like to go to the gym together and we do dates at least 1-2x a month and that helps us stay connected through it all. I feel like in general my life is more busy/complicated now that the kids are older, but my mood is generally more upbeat. Dealing with a baby/toddler took a toll on me and my sanity and I try to remind myself that whenever I get baby fever.

[sntm]

I'm pretty Type A so I volunteer for a lot.

Right now, I serve on the Advisory Board for the ballet here in town, which involves meetings every 2 months and committee meetings which I never make. I just agreed to serve on the board of a breast cancer support charity which is local. I usually attend a few charity events a year, more before DS2.

I volunteer for an hour once a month at DS1's school. I am hosting the class potluck.

Sort of work and sort of volunteer - I am giving a talk at a breast cancer fundraiser and have started some blogging for different groups.

Social: we used to be VERY social, particularly as DS1 spends every other week with XH. Now, we have people over on occasion. We go to dinner every other week or so, often partially work related. I'm hoping to host a Christmas party. I still go the ballet regularly (with DSO) and opera 3x this year (without DSO, who made me swear I would never make him attend again.) I take DS1 to children's theater productions a few times a year.

I work out rarely, maybe every 3 weeks, other than walks with the baby. And I don't do much on the weekends and evenings other than play catch-up. My greatest enjoyment now is reading on my Nook glowlight next to the sleeping baby before lights out at 9:30!

[amldaley]

The same as I do now as a SAHM but honestly, I found it easier as a WOHM. I was already out, it was easy to stop by the store for class snack. Easy to pop over on my lunch break for an activity. Now, I have to pack all three of us up to run to the store for all the last minute things that seem to pop up. I have to drag DD2 with me to DD1's activities. I sometimes just drop DD1 off then drive around b/c I have to come right back for an activity and I don't have enough time to drive home, unload DD2, do something, anything, at home, then load her back up and drive back.

OT but in the same vein...I am shocked at how much participation is expected in preschool. This month, we have had to provide a week of snacks, a guest reader one day, school pictures, a fall festival where all the parents make the booths, a teddy bear tea party which we all have to contribute to, a trip the pumpkin patch we are required to attend with our child unless we find another parent who will take responsibility for our kid, a costume parade, a halloween party the parents have to bring food or supervise activities at.

I don't know I could have done ALL of this when I WOH, sheerly b/c it requires time off.

[AnnieW625]

At DD1's school we are required to volunteer 25 hrs. per school year, or we can buy them out for $64 more a month in tuition. We are doing the hours this year. I am room mom this year and am getting 20 hrs. for being room mom, and then we have to do our required 5 hrs. at the parish/school fair in April. Prior to me knowing we were going to get 20 hrs. for being room mom DH and I both signed up to take a shift at this Saturday's fundraiser. He is doing 3 hrs. of set up on Friday night, and I am doing 3 hrs. of cooking in the kitchen on Saturday (with an executive chef from a local restaurant who is a parent, so it is really a cooking lesson:)). So we will actually have 31 hrs. of service done this year. In DD1's class I helped with the Meet the Masters art program for an hour a couple of weeks ago. I will also help in the classroom around Christmas time.

I am a member of the Junior League in my city. I am a tenured active member so all I do this year is attend the monthly general meeting, and attend our committee meetings/committments (I am on new member training so I have training committments as well). I do not have a service hour requirement. I will also attend our yearly fundraiser in January. I can become a sustaining member (alumnae) in May, 2014, but I like the role I have this year so I might just continue on this path until I really feel like I ready to go sustaining.

I take the girls to gymnastics class once a week on Thursday nights. DD2's class is parent participation, but when she turns 3 it will no longer be parent participation so I hope to then be able to catch up on some much needing reading.

For my sanity I try to go to yoga 3-4 times a month, and try to go the gym 3-4 days a week, and try to walk the other days I am not at yoga or the gym.

When Daisy Scouts starts up I will either be responsible for a craft or snack for one of the meetings.

[Zansu]

I WOTH FT, and am an active volunteer and always have been.

I've been the president of a 501c7 for 18 years. I've also been the treasurer and board member of Komen and JL.

I'm a sorority advisor, treasurer of the PTSO, and past president of the local sorority alumnae group.

There's a lot of overlap with the sorority stuff, and I did Komen because so many JL friends were part of the race committee.

My boys grew up going to meetings, and know their way around the sorority house and the JL headquarters. It's just part of their reality.