Thoughts please on DS1 (4.5) crying at preschool drop-off

[jgenie]

DS1 is in his 3rd year of preschool. He had a hard time his first year but last year after the first week of tears he was fine. I keep thinking he'll get used to it but we've had two solid weeks of school and he still cries when I leave him. The teachers say he settles fine once I leave. He goes M - F for 2.5 hours a day. He doesn't want to stay for lunch or afternoon programs so he just goes for 2.5 hours. DS2 goes MWF for the same 2.5 hours. DS1 gets upset every day not just the days that DS2 stays home. We just finished a sticker chart for going to school and it hasn't gotten any better. Any thoughts on what I can do to help him adjust? I'm home with them full time. DS1 hasn't wanted to do any extracurricular activities so I haven't pushed him so far except for swim lessons one day a week. I'm at a loss on how to make this easier for him. He will start full day K next year so I really think he needs to be in a school this year. Any thoughts / ideas? TIA

[SnuggleBuggles]

Does he have any insight?

I know this probably isn't a teacher favorite but could you take him out of school one morning when ds2 has school so the 2 of you can do something 1 on 1? Maybe that is a reward he can work to?

[amldaley]

I had a couple of conversations about this with DD1's teachers. Some kids just have a hard time changing gears. DD1 just sort of panics at drop off - like changing gears without a clutch. Then she transitions in to school mode and is fine.

If he is fine within a few minutes of you leaving, I would give it a couple more weeks before worrying.

As pp said, does he have any insight? Have you had a heart-to-heart with him to find out if there is a kid he does not like or something he is scared of or uncomfortable with?

Have you found if things are better if you take him a few minutes earlier or later? DD1 is fine with early or late but freaks if I take her exactly on time b/c she can't handle the crowd of parents and the crush of the gaggle of kids all being herded in to the classroom at the same time.

However it turns out, I hope you find a resolution or some peace of mind. I know how hard it is. :hug:

[nfowife]

If he's fine after you leave I would just ignore the issue for a while. Its only been 2 weeks. Since drop-offs are the hardest I would make them as short and emotionless as possible on your end. Just be happy, talk positively about what fun hes going to have, quick kiss, and goodbye. Ignore the tears and drama and be matter of fact about it. What are you doing at drop-offs now? How does it actually happen?

[hillview]

I agree that it is early to worry especially if he is ok after you leave (this from a mom whose DS1 cried for 3 years in a row at drop off and would cry for a while after I left and during the day). Does it make a difference if someone else drops DC off? For us when DH does drop off it is a lot easier!

[waver]

Jgenie, I hear you completely! My DC, also 4.5, never cried until this year, after 2 years at the same school, including drop off at new camps this summer. And DC was returning to the same friends and teachers.

I don't know if one teacher was trying to cheer me up, but she said that some of the more *mature* kids start fully feel the separation this year, so have a hard time.

DC is still sometimes sad-looking, but much better than earlier this fall. On the first day, DH said DC cried over 1 hour! Poor child!

Some things that helped:

1. I wake up early and spend "special time" with DC. About 10 minutes of extra cuddling/giggling/hugging without any interruptions, at home, and I firmly tell DC when time's up. Kind of like getting a "practice separation," and I let DCknow we can have special time the next morning.

2. I acknowledge DC's sadness, saying something like, "saying goodbye is hard."

3. I do keep good byes short, but I learned to become well-prepared in the morning, so things aren't stressful or rushed for DC. We arrive a little early, so I don't appear rushed. I need to head off to work right after drop off. (I don't always do this, but this is my goal!)

4. I get my DC started on a art project or game (but DC prefers art), and that is when I leave.

My neighbor, who is a grandpa, told me this sweet, unique, idea:

He told me to ask my DC at drop off, "what question about school do you want me to ask you when I pick you up?" I don't know why, but my DC really likes this. DC thinks of something, like "i want you to ask me what animals I saw." And when I pick up, DC totally remembers (even when I sometimes forget).

Hang in there! This is so hard, isn't it?

[marit]

You know, when my first DD went to preschool she cried on and off for 2 years. Every time she did they reassured me that she stops when I leave, that its a phase, that she senses my insecurities etc. then I moved her to a different place and no more tears. And you think I've learned my lesson? No! Same thing with my second DS. He started crying in the morning after already being ok there for a while. Turns out the teacher changed. He didn't like her but couldn't verbalize it.

If its not a new place, and he's already had a period of time when he didn't cry in the morning, I would say listen to your child. Try moving him to a different class or different teacher or different days and see if that helps.


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[123LuckyMom]

My neighbor, who is a grandpa, told me this sweet, unique, idea:

He told me to ask my DC at drop off, "what question about school do you want me to ask you when I pick you up?" I don't know why, but my DC really likes this. DC thinks of something, like "i want you to ask me what animals I saw." And when I pick up, DC totally remembers (even when I sometimes forget).

Hang in there! This is so hard, isn't it?

This is a great idea! I'm going to tuck this one away for kindy!

OP, I think sadness at parting can just be your DS having trouble switching gears. It took my DS months to stop crying at drop off, and even after he was no longer crying regularly, there would be days of sadness. Others may feel differently, but I believe learning how to cope with change and sadness is part of the reason why preschool is so valuable. Your DS will learn how to be okay without you, and that's a good thing! I wouldn't change things around. I would keep your routine as steady as possible. This will help him adjust. As PP noted, make sure your partings are cheery and quick. The longer you linger, the harder it will be for your DS to switch to school mode. Don't worry. He will learn and be the better for it!

[bostonsmama]

I'm reading a neat book called Fed Up with Frenzy: Slow Parenting in a Fast-Moving World by Susan Sachs Lipman. She mentions how she had the same problems until she slowed down a bit and started giving her DC some intentional one-on-one time. This is easier esp if you have the time and are home. She parked a block or two away from school so she could get out with her DD and walk the rest of the way to the school door. It gave them time to "stop and smell the roses," or the onion grass in her case. The talked about what they were looking forward to that day, pointed out cool things in nature, etc. It gave them that extra 5-10 minutes (for drop off and pick up) to have some hand-in-hand time.

My DD is only 2, so dropping her off for nursery on Sundays is still a big deal, but I feel good that she calms down within seconds of me walking out of sight and that we spend plenty of "slow parenting" time together uninterrupted by technology (me checking my cell, FB, or making calls/texts).

[maestramommy]

No ideas as this happened to Arwyn too. She was in her 2nd year of preschool with the same teacher, and once she got into the classroom she was fine, but dropoff was rough the first month, then again for a couple of weeks halfway through the school year. No insight as to why this was. I did take her out of school one day and just spent the day with her on a special outing. Otherwise we just kept going.

This year she rides the bus to K and LOVES it. No separation or transition issues at all. She is enjoying K very much. I think part of it was she wanted to be in K (like her sister) and ride the bus (like her sister). She rode the special ed little bus home and she was super thrilled when we stopped using the carseat and just had her belt in.