Dear MIL

[Toba]

Your existence in our lives is hanging by a thread. The rest of your immediate family is pretty much dead to us ... two SEVERE alcoholic brothers and a lying, non paying back a large loan sister who still doesn't get it and sends me rambling 10,000 word emails in the middle of the night about having everyone else forgive the loans they gave them, so we're awful for expecting the money back (mind you there is a very long back story: we paid for their cell phones for over three years, she let her kids rack up over $1K in one month, paid it over time and as she was calling to tell us she was making the last payment, she tried to HEAVILY quilt me into putting her oldest son on our account as well; yeah, so not happening.... oh, and she went into a VZW 600 miles away and forged my name to get a new phone for her DH, thereby extending the contract which we were waiting for the end date to remove their phones from our contract. DH fought with VZW and the best option they would allow us was to pay for the phone outright (over $300) and get out of the contact .... which I still don't understand because SHE FORGED MY NAME and you didn't verify ID). I could go on and on for pages.

Anyway, I've been with DH for 20 years, married for 17 years. She is so awful to me that DH takes off work when she's supposed to spend time here just so she's not sitting here pushing all my buttons. One of my biggest thing is I don't share certain things with ANYONE, with the exception of DH. I have clinically diagnosed OCD, so I understand that maybe I'm way more sensitive about these things. When she stays here, she has to use my shampoo, conditioner, bar soap and toothpaste. It literally makes me physically ill ... why can't you bring your own toiletries??? She asks to borrow socks, shoes and clothing. I cannot tolerate someone else's bare feet (are they clean, do you have some kind of fungus, why can't you bring your own crap) in my sneakers or shoes. I just physically can't. And she is totally aware of this. She frequently brings up going out to dinner and in the 20 YEARS I've known her, she's never offered to pay the bill, pay her share or even pay the tip. She actually got pissed at me that I said no alcohol last night (we were at a restaurant that serves large margaritas but they're over $10 a pop ... we don't drink). I FREQUENTLY hear things that come out of her mouth that DH doesn't do enough for her and she should come before his wife.

The only reason I tolerate this is because she is surprisingly really good with DS and he adores her ... but he's getting old enough to pick up on the barbs she throws my way (he's über protective with me). She gets upset that even when she's here, DS would still want to snuggle with me or get involved with something that I'm doing instead of spending every waking minute with her. Not being biased, but DS is my world and vice versa. We are VERY attached (he's 8) and I know that I only have a couple more years of this before girls start to take over his brain. There's also a grandparents visitation rights law in our state in the back of my head (she would be the LAST person I'd want raising my child). DH has already said we'd be in a different country if she tried to get visitation (she's nuts). My therapist (I have chronic panic/anxiety disorder, OCD, social anxiety) has asked me repeatedly to remove her from my/our life because we have a very toxic relationship and just knowing she's coming here sends me into a panic frenzy.

Sorry so long, but I just needed to get it out before I scream it at her to her face. Not really looking for advice; really just trying to cathartically vent. Only a few more hours, only a few more hours, only a few more hours ...

[crl]

:hug:

Catherine

[mmommy]

:grouphug:
only a few more hours! You can do it!! :cheerleader1: Just think of how great it will be when she leaves.

[fivi2]

Sorry things are so bad! If you are truly worried about a grandparent visitation suit, I would keep a journal. Document every toxic thing she does. It may come in handy in the future, and it would be a nice release for you right now.

[karstmama]

ooh, that's a great idea! op, i'm sorry. toxic relationships suck so much out of life.

[hillview]

:grouphug::hug:

[liz]

:grouphug:

[123LuckyMom]

Wow! She's a piece of work! Hugs to you!

[glbb35]

Hang in there, you can make it!!!! Count down the minutes till she leaves, then take a deep breath and start again fresh with your family.

It sucks to have someone in your life who is literally draining the life out of you. IT is nice that she is good to DS but at some point, he is going to get it and that is sad.

Good luck!!!! And enjoy the time you will have when she is gone!!

B

DS 03, 06, twins 09, 7/11

[MamaMolly]

She sucks. Anyone who purposely upsets yo for kicks is sick in the head.

I would TOTALLY get her sample size toiletries and throw them out when she leaves. Put your stuff in a bath caddy and only put it in the shower when you are bathing. When you are done put it under your bed or something.

You are NOT obligated to share clothing! Her expectations are WAY out of line! Maybe get a pair of slippers for her and make her leave them at the house, like in the coat closet? Heck why not have a MIL kit? A pair of sweats, a t shirt, a night gown, a pair of slippers, a pair of socks and sample toiletries. She can wear that stuff or bring her own. It makes you look like a saint by providing for her, and keeps her cooties off your stuff.

[kristenk]

Who in the world expects to share shoes and socks with someone they're visiting? Or toothpaste?

I don't think that it's out of line to borrow shampoo or conditioner or expect to use soap at your destination. I wouldn't have a problem sharing shampoo and conditioner. I don't want to share soap or toothpaste with anyone other than DH or DD, though! I like the idea of having trial size shampoo, conditioner and soap for her to use. I'd remove all of my stuff (and probably hide it) when she was going to shower so she'd only have the option of using "her" stuff. I have a feeling that she'd still use your stuff if it was available from the sounds of it. Frankly, she should bring her own toothpaste with her. Lets hope she brings her own toothbrush. Ewwww.

:grouphug:

[elliput]

I would TOTALLY get her sample size toiletries and throw them out when she leaves. Put your stuff in a bath caddy and only put it in the shower when you are bathing. When you are done put it under your bed or something.

You are NOT obligated to share clothing! Her expectations are WAY out of line! Maybe get a pair of slippers for her and make her leave them at the house, like in the coat closet? Heck why not have a MIL kit? A pair of sweats, a t shirt, a night gown, a pair of slippers, a pair of socks and sample toiletries. She can wear that stuff or bring her own. It makes you look like a saint by providing for her, and keeps her cooties off your stuff.
:yeahthat: And buy the cheapest possible stuff you can find.

If she ever utters the "the mom should come before the wife" line again, you need to look her straight in the eye and ask if her MIL ever said that crap.

[kristenk]

If she ever utters the "the mom should come before the wife" line again, you need to look her straight in the eye and ask if her MIL ever said that crap.

Oh, yikes. Totally missed that.

I'm amazed that you've been able to deal with her for as long as you have.

[hwin708]

Who in the world expects to share shoes and socks with someone they're visiting? Or toothpaste?
Yeah, that is just weird.

I host a LOT, and definitely share toiletries of all types. I have plenty in the guest rooms, but if someone wants to use a particular product of mine, it's fine by me. Most of my friends and family, myself included, don't travel with toiletries - unless we need a specific product - when visiting family/friends. It's an easy way to not deal with airport security woes. But of course, none of us are battling OCD issues with this.

But shoes and socks?? I mean, sure, I've lent a pair of socks when my friend forgot to bring one, or a pair of sneakers when we made a last minute decision to go for a run. But that is more of a rare "oops" situation. Not a "this is a totally normal thing to expect your host to provide, so I'm not bringing it."

It definitely sounds like she is doing this on purpose to needle your OCD. She found your Achilles heel, and she's poking it repeatedly. That's crazy. The fact that this post is just a vent, and not a serious discussion of how to remove this person from your life - good for you. It takes real strength of character to try to hold a family together in the face of such deliberate and targeted nastiness.

[OKKiddo]

Yeah, that is just weird.

I host a LOT, and definitely share toiletries of all types. I have plenty in the guest rooms, but if someone wants to use a particular product of mine, it's fine by me. Most of my friends and family, myself included, don't travel with toiletries - unless we need a specific product - when visiting family/friends. It's an easy way to not deal with airport security woes. But of course, none of us are battling OCD issues with this.

But shoes and socks?? I mean, sure, I've lent a pair of socks when my friend forgot to bring one, or a pair of sneakers when we made a last minute decision to go for a run. But that is more of a rare "oops" situation. Not a "this is a totally normal thing to expect your host to provide, so I'm not bringing it."

It definitely sounds like she is doing this on purpose to needle your OCD. She found your Achilles heel, and she's poking it repeatedly. That's crazy. The fact that this post is just a vent, and not a serious discussion of how to remove this person from your life - good for you. It takes real strength of character to try to hold a family together in the face of such deliberate and targeted nastiness.

Exactly! I think if you had a suitcase of goodies (shoes, socks, toiletries, etc) set aside for her when she arrived then the next time she came she'd come with all of her own things because she would know that you were prepared for her and her "deliberate and targeted nastiness" wouldn't work. I think it would also help your stress levels out because you could seal up her items and germs (or toss them out) and not worry about them again after she was gone. In fact, just to show you were prepared, I'd get the ugliest baggy bra and old lady panties to toss in there---maybe a mumu.....

[maestramommy]

Hope your Mil is gone now. :hug:

sharing shocks and shoes and clothing is bizarre. I understand if she forgot, ran our, or her luggage didn't arrive, but on a regular basis on purpose? ridiculous.

I agree with pp to get her travel sized toiletries and toss after she leaves. Or even better, save them for the next visit:icon_twisted:

My mom's MIL had this idea that the mother comes before the daughter-in-law. Cultural thing. It was just awful. Decades after she died my mom would still get teary telling me these horror stories that I never knew. But she said my dad's older brother's wife had it even worse. How these women put up with my grandmother I never knew. My parents used to get into raging fights about it.

[Clarity]

Go buy toiletries that are for her when she visits. My MIL provides toiletries for us if we need them and while I typically pack my own, it actually nice to not need to worry that I might forget something.
Buy her couple of pair of socks too, just to be nice. Then be clear - your shoes are off limits. Don't budge on that. Sharing shoes is just bizarre and your dh needs to step up a bit if he hasn't already.

As for Grandparent visititation, I wouldn't worry about that at all. In most cases, Grandparents are required to show that the lack of visitation would be harmful to the child. I've had this concern before about my own MIL (I'm not a fan) so I googled really quickly and the Supreme Court case referenced is "Troxel vs Granville". "The heart of the decision is a statement that “fit parents” are presumed to act in their children’s best interests. The state should not, therefore, “inject itself into the private realm of the family” to question the decisions of those parents. The court also characterized the Washington statute [in question] as “breathtakingly broad.”"

"Many states have rewritten or amended their statutes in the wake of Troxel v. Granville. In some states, suits for visitation may only be filed if there has been a divorce, death or other disruptive circumstance in the family. An “intact” family—a married couple—is usually judged to have the right to make decisions about grandparent visitation. In families that are not intact, grandparents suing for visitation must provide evidence, usually described as “clear and convincing” evidence, that visitation is in the best interests of the child. In states with more stringent statutes, the grandparents may be required to show that the child will suffer harm if visitation is not allowed." (This is from an About.com article http:// grandparents.about.com/od/grandparentsrights/a/Troxel_v_Granville.htm)