Can you learn to be a good lover?

[Myira]

I ask this because DH is my one and only sexual partner. (Okay I had a boyfriend before him but we never went the whole nine yards, so I will say that when I married DH I had read/imagined/fantasized everything but experienced nothing in real) DH really underwhelms me in that department. He does not know the abcd of foreplay and isn't foreplay not just what you do in bed? I mean the man does not engage me in any conversation, my attempts at talking to him leave me frustrated. There is nothing else that would build intimacy. How am I supposed to want to DTD? Sorry this is turning into a vent.

I am 36, I feel life is passing me by. We did attempt sexual counselling, had a couple of sessions 2 years ago. She recommended a couple of books. DH did read the "She comes first" book religiously and is really open to giving me oral sex. But the intimacy and foreplay part is still non-existent.

What would you do if you were in such a situation? And BTW, we go without sex for long periods, we both fly solo and are in a marriage! I guess toys work better for us than each other. So its not lack of drive for either of us.

I am convinced that this no sex and intimacy does our marriage no favors. We are roommates at best and get on each others' nerves. We vow not to, but still end up arguing and bickering.

I miss being intimate with a guy, I long and yearn for it. I feel guilty admitting, but I end up sexually fantasizing someone I feel chemistry for at work or elsewhere all the time. Those fantasies put a spring in my step, make me want to deck up a bit, feel a zest for life. Beg you not to judge me if you can.

Thanks for atleast letting me get this out. Tonight I feel so down, no one IRL I could share this with.

[123LuckyMom]

You can learn, of course, and it's great that your DH is open to learning. It sounds like your first try at counseling was successful in that DH did read a book and try something new. That's a lot more than many men (or women) would do, so you're one step closer to your goal. I would try counseling again. You could also get books on intimacy building and do some exercises each night. If you are both willing to open yourselves up to new things, there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to have a rewarding sex life. Is there a reason you haven't returned to counseling?

[DrSally]

Ita with pp. keep trying, as it sounds like you are both open to leanring that can improve the situation.

[Melaine]

Of course you can! ITA that you should keep trying and not give up. If it were me, I would try to see a good marriage counselor though. It sounds to me that you guys need to work on connecting outside of the bedroom and work on your emotional intimacy. Also, a couple books I would recommend if you haven't already read them are Love and Respect (http://www.amazon.com/Love-Respect-Desires-Desperately-Needs/dp/1591451876/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1351945993&sr=8-1&keywords=love+and+respect) and the Five Love Languages. (http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1351946015&sr=1-1&keywords=five+love+languages)

I have problems with sex. Just to be blunt, it nearly always hurts. But I have been married for 9 years and we are able to work through it and work past it. And we still have sex. I think because we are close and intimate in other ways that helps me feel loved and safe. Foreplay for me is having him call me while he is at work, helping around the house, laughing at my jokes, greeting me when he comes home. Knowing that we have a strong relationship makes working on bedroom issues easier. So if I were in your shoes, I would seek a good marriage counselor to strengthen things all around. That way you will also have a platform to share how you are feeling. Hope things improve!

[hillview]

Do you want specific things? Have you told him what you want him to do in detail? I find men need to be told or asked somewhat specifically. Is there a movie that you find hits the spot that you could watch together and then try to recreate?

ETA it is a 2 way street. Have you asked him what he would REALLY like?

[TwinFoxes]

I don't think the problem is not just him being a bad lover. As an outsider just reading what you wrote, I think you have real problems in your marriage you should address first. (Forgive me if I'm off base). It's like you're asking how to be a better driver when your car is broken down. What you're describing would leave pretty much anyone unsatisfied and not that excited for sex, even if they were married to a fabulous lover.

[hillview]

I don't think the problem is not just him being a bad lover. As an outsider just reading what you wrote, I think you have real problems in your marriage you should address first. (Forgive me if I'm off base). It's like you're asking how to be a better driver when your car is broken down. What you're describing would leave pretty much anyone unsatisfied and not that excited for sex, even if they were married to a fabulous lover.

:yeahthat: I was wondering about that too.

[infomama]

I don't think the problem is not just him being a bad lover. As an outsider just reading what you wrote, I think you have real problems in your marriage you should address first. (Forgive me if I'm off base). It's like you're asking how to be a better driver when your car is broken down. What you're describing would leave pretty much anyone unsatisfied and not that excited for sex, even if they were married to a fabulous lover.
:yeahthat:
For us once we opened our lines of communication and really got back in touch out of the bedroom the rest just flowed...
Maybe look for a marriage/relationship coach

[Giantbear]

anyone can learn if they have the desire to, but if you are both flying solo, sounds like he is not so satisfied with your lovemaking either. (not trying to be rude). Maybe showing him what it is to be on the receiving side of slow, deliberate pleasure will make him more interested in doing the same.

I do think, however, that the sex will not improve until you two remember why you love each other and reconnect on a spiritual level. I don't think you need sex therapy but maybe you need couples therapy to learn how to reconnect.

[BabbyO]

For me, the keys were:
1. Understanding what I wanted/needed and
2. Willingness to show him what I wanted/needed, in a nice way. Not rude or degrading.

Sometimes it is just talking fantasy play...sometimes physical...but I had to invest in my own pleasure. I had to put forth the effort, too - in the end, when I looked at it as my issue and not his...we both benefited.

I think that when it was framed as me trying to fix my issues...it was less threatening and accusatory to DH...and it all just went better.

All that said, communication is really critical on all levels. If you can't communicate in the kitchen - you're not going to be able to in the bedroom!

Now, DH and I just need to find the energy...because while we're both on the same page...we're both exhausted and have 2 kiddos with an internal "sex alarm." That is to say the second DH and I think we could possible DTD one of them wakes up or interrupts us!

[AngelaS]

Have you read the book Sheet Music by Kevin Leman? It's a great book.

[Myira]

Thanks all. I was just reading all the responses and thinking them over. Many of you said, we need to connect first and I could not agree more and I am thinking I should get us in with a marriage counselor. I'll definitely look into those book recommended as well.

GB, I understand why you think he may be dissatisfied as well, but in his case dissatisfaction has more to do with the lack of frequency than the lovemaking itself.

[Giantbear]

Thanks all. I was just reading all the responses and thinking them over. Many of you said, we need to connect first and I could not agree more and I am thinking I should get us in with a marriage counselor. I'll definitely look into those book recommended as well.

GB, I understand why you think he may be dissatisfied as well, but in his case dissatisfaction has more to do with the lack of frequency than the lovemaking itself.
I'm not going to argue, but i would be sure, maybe ask him what he thinks is lacking besides frequency. I would also say that for some, frequency and performance are linked. the old use it or lose it theory. If i do something every once in a blue moon, i am not going to be as skilled at it as something i do every other day.

There is an old therapy technique for improving love making and intimacy. It is 100 days of lovemaking (with an obvious interruption for monthly visitor) Sounds easy, yes? but it is not, it forces the couple to do a few things. 1) discover how to make time for intimacy 2) learn how to arouse each other though non traditional ways 3) how to become closer to each other.

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,406582,00.html

see if he is up for the challange

[kijip]

A good lover is a responsive one. And it's a two way street. You can't be responsive if your spouse is not willing to show you what they like and want. I agree it sounds like the issue is bigger than sexual mechanics.

I used to think that the intimacy came from sex. I also used to think that frequency was the main indicator of a healthy sex life. Over time, I realized how incorrect I was and became more nurturing to and intimate with my husband outside the bedroom. Suddenly I had the frequency that I wanted and things are much more satisfying for for us both.

[kijip]

GB, I understand why you think he may be dissatisfied as well, but in his case dissatisfaction has more to do with the lack of frequency than the lovemaking itself.

I think it is quite common for women to make the mistake of thinking that male sexuality is simple and mostly sated by frequency. But a lot of men really want/need more and are afraid to say so for fear of looking selfish. I think most people can always improve in some way in this area. I am not saying this is what you are doing but it couldn't hurt to try new things or ask him what he would like most. Look at it as a mutual education to be a better lover to each other.

[misshollygolightly]

I think you've received some great advice, OP. Some other thoughts that came to mind:

-initiate romantic (but not necessarily sexual) touching on a regular basis (examples: hold his hand, make a pact that you'll kiss every morning before leaving the house and when you return in the evenings, sit next to each other on the couch, give each other shoulder or foot massages). It is hard to always feel like you're the only one initiating this stuff, but I suspect he'll start it on his own some as well if you ask him to and remind him (while continuing to do these things yourself)

-revisit the good times. Have there been times in your relationship when you felt closer to each other? What can you do to remind yourselves of that and maybe kickstart the relationship a bit? Ideas might include looking through your wedding pictures together while sharing a bottle of champagne, recreating a special date, making out in a parked car (hopefully in the privacy of your garage!).

-do an activity together, preferably sans kids. If you have family nearby who can help with childcare, maybe you could sign up for a ballroom dance class together or go to a wine tasting (or whatever your thing might be). It doesn't so much matter *what* you do, what matters is doing it together and having this new activity/thing in your life that you can talk about with each other.

-as for the sex itself, it sounds like he's open and receptive (even if he's not really initiating lots of romance). It might seem hard to work up the nerve and the energy (or desire), but I think it's worthwhile to try something new every now and then. You could run a candlelit bubble bath for two, try out some new lingerie, pick up a jar of chocolate body paint, etc.... If you want romance, sometimes you have to make it yourself--or at least give it a little jumpstart! Show him what you like (in terms of romantic gestures, foreplay, etc.) by initiating a couple of them. My guess is he'll pick up on that and eventually start to do some of those things for you without prompting!

I hope you and your DH find some good ways to rekindle the romance!

[Gracemom]

It sounds like you are in a rut. You are each used to taking care of your own needs. I would see if you can both agree not to do that for the next month, and only try to make it happen with each other, at least a few times/week. And I totally agree about working on communication. If you don't have that, the rest is going to suffer. Good luck!