It's not even Thanksgiving and it has begun...

[BabbyO]

I know this is petty, and stupid...but it drives me BATTY!!!!

DH's family is all about food. Every get together is about the food. On one hand this is fun...they make lots of traditional foods that I've never had before and it is fun to prep and cook as a whole family - assembly line style and passing the tricks on from generation to generation. I totally get that part and I like that part.

The part I HATE, HATE, HATE is that they have to try different recipes every year for standbys. Like this year...they HAVE to try a special recipe for pumpkin pie...that the boys and I can't eat...because it has dairy.

I'm so sick of going to family get together's on DH's side of the family and having just 3 or 4 things to choose from when the rest of the family has this ENORMOUS spread. And more importantly trying to explain to DC why they can't eat what everyone else is eating....AND having to watch them every second like a hawk because there is food everywhere and the rest of the family is oblivious to their allergies.

It has been 3 years...this is nothing new. I understand that we're not going to have EVERYTHING the same...but can the majority of the food be the same. Also, this creates 10x more work for everyone....because they are making 2 kinds of all these dishes. Why not make one dish that EVERYONE can eat???

DH doesn't get it...and thinks I'm being overly sensitive. All I know is when I go to my parents house there isn't 2 kinds of potatoes and 2 kinds of gravy, and 2 kinds of veggies...one we can eat and one we can't. Also...it drives me batty because if the kids decide they want X and only X....we often run out of it...because only a small amt is made up for the kids and I.

Oh, and if I have to eat Fruit as dessert when everyone else has a giant piece of apple pie or cheesecake one more time I'm going to lose my Schmidt!!!!!

Sorry...just frustrated and I'm seeing MIL and SIL trade recipes on FB already for Thanksgiving without even giving a thought to the fact that we can't eat it.

[mackmama]

Wait - you guys can't have dairy and yet tons of stuff on the table is made with dairy so, therefore, is off-limits to you and the kids? That is just awful. I'm so sorry. When I was a vegetarian for many years, my family had a really hard time grasping the concept so I was usually left to fend for myself since everything on the table was made with meat. That annoyed me - yet I can't imagine something similar happening when there are kids involved (and when it involves a medical issue with a food, not just a personal choice). Have you ever broached the subject directly with them - and pointed out that it makes things really difficult on you/kids? Or could you respond on FB saying "Wow that sounds really good - can we try to find a dairy-free version so the kids and I can partake?" I'm also sorry your DH doesn't have your back on this - that makes it doubly hard.

[BabbyO]

Wait - you guys can't have dairy and yet tons of stuff on the table is made with dairy so, therefore, is off-limits to you and the kids? That is just awful. I'm so sorry. When I was a vegetarian for many years, my family had a really hard time grasping the concept so I was usually left to fend for myself since everything on the table was made with meat. That annoyed me - yet I can't imagine something similar happening when there are kids involved (and when it involves a medical issue with a food, not just a personal choice). Have you ever broached the subject directly with them - and pointed out that it makes things really difficult on you/kids? Or could you respond on FB saying "Wow that sounds really good - can we try to find a dairy-free version so the kids and I can partake?" I'm also sorry your DH doesn't have your back on this - that makes it doubly hard.

See...they think they are doing ok because they have "something" that we can eat. And to their credit, it is often something that is similar...but yes there is an entire table of food the kids and I can't eat...and several dishes we can.

I've offered, and brought so many dairy-free versions of food it makes my head hurt. But if I bring dairy free cake....I guarantee there will be at least 1 additional cake and 2 more desserts that are NOT dairy free. I'll bring dairy free bread, potatoes, veggies, casseroles....and then there are 3 more of the same thing WITH dairy.

I just don't understand.

With my family, I'll bring dairy free cake...and that is the dessert. Or I'll bring dairy free casserole...and that is the side...for EVERYONE.

It is just exhausting. DH and I have gone round and round about it...but he doesn't see it either. I told him one day that I was going to make him eat only the things the kids and I can eat for a year....just to see what it is like. Maybe he'd get it then. He tried to tell me he knew because when he was on weight watchers he had to restrict himself...but I don't think it is the same. He could eat the food if he wanted...he chose not to. The kids and I CAN'T eat the food.

Maybe I'll have to put more emphasis on the fact that the kids are older an noticing the restrictions....

[mackmama]

I'd deal directly with the ILs and tell them that the kids are too young to fully understand why they can't have this but they can have that. I'd ask them directly if you all could only have items that everyone can eat. In the future, maybe you all could host Tday and set the rules that only dairy-free items are invited.

[BabbyO]

I'd deal directly with the ILs and tell them that the kids are too young to fully understand why they can't have this but they can have that. I'd ask them directly if you all could only have items that everyone can eat. In the future, maybe you all could host Tday and set the rules that only dairy-free items are invited.

I've offered to host....but IL live in better proximity to more people...so we travel. Also, they have more room...our house is small

I actually did Easter one year for this exact reason - people still brought food with dairy....I about had a fit! :)

I'll get over...just sorta frustrated!

[mackmama]

I'd be really frustrated too. It's just unnecessarily insensitive.

[crl]

That is incredibly annoying! My in-laws never got it about food allergies either. My MIL actually tried to argue with my then five year old ds who was telling her he could not have the pudding cup she was offering because it had milk. Dh actually had to intervene! My family was awesome about it though. Mom made 99 percent of stuff so that ds could eat it and everyone got the same food. She would call me multiple times while planning holiday food to double check ingredients and all. Love my mom.


Catherine

[wellyes]

I am a vegetarian and ONCE in my life has an entire group meal been made to accommodate me, with no meat options. If there was a vegan at the table, would you really have a vegan Thanksgiving?

My DH has to eat gluten free and dairy free and trust me when I say, no one who doesn't have to would want to have to eat his Thanksgiving. No stuffing, no pie, no rolls, dairy-free mashed potatoes, no butter.

I do sympathize, but it's so par for the course for us to be the weirdos at meals. I guess I'm just used to it.

[pastrygirl]

Am I understanding correctly, that there might be for example two kinds of mashed potatoes, one with dairy, one without, and several desserts where only one or two are dairy free? If so... That's how we do it at our house and I never thought it was a problem. I like my "real" mashed potatoes and pumpkin panna cotta. We also serve at least two dairy-free pies. I now make the stuffing and gravy without dairy, and most of our veggie side dishes are dairy-free. But I'm not going to make the whole meal dairy-free. Though it sounds like I offer a lot more dairy-free than you get... I don't think my kids would notice what they couldn't eat if they were lactose intolerant, aside from the panna cotta. I can't figure out a different way to make that, though.

[LizLemon]

I think I have experienced both sides of your dilemma. I am from a family like your inlaws - foodies, plan a big menu in advance, try different recipes each year (some classics that are made every year). I have had to abstain from parts of the holiday celebration when I had to avoid dairy, soy, and eggs due to my daughter's allergies. My cousin has a very severe nut allergy - most things he can eat, but there are some things he just can't.

My thoughts:
If your in-laws are anything like mine...The food focus is not going to change; I think it's in my family's DNA. :p It's part of how they celebrate, and how they show they care about each other. I'm sort of shocked to hear how upset the emphasis on cooking makes you. Just because, I cannot imagine my family doing it a different way, and it's so natural to us it never crossed my mind that it would offend anyone. For instance, it didn't change with my cousin's or mine/my daughter's allergies, but none of us really has had an objection to it. (My dad's extended family is nothing like that; it'll just be just one choice, the same thing every year. It always seems very boring and uninspired and like no one really cares.)

When I "had allergies" I tried to deal with missing out with things during the holidays. I still made my much-requested cheesecake, even though I couldn't eat any of it. It was often frustrating, particularly because my mother was not the greatest at cooking for food allergies. She would think she was making something allergy-friendly when she wasn't. But the reason was that she is really not used to cooking for dietary allergies. She is not as detail-oriented as I am and misses a lot when she reads labels! So things went better when my aunt and uncle (of the peanut allergy) hosted versus my mom, because they are used to those type of restrictions, but even there I just couldn't have a lot of things.

This year, I am preparing a little toddler with food restrictions for holiday meals. She gets upset when she can't have foods she wants but I think it will be fine. I think I may have more tolerance for the whole thing but I grew up with it and it has more emotional resonance for me. I'm sorry that it seems to be the reverse for you in some ways. I don't know what would be the best solution.

[crl]

I think it is just so much harder when it is a kid with the allergies. Ds would get so worried about what he was going to be allowed to eat at any gathering where I wasn't in charge of the food and so upset about being restricted from eating what everyone else was.

And dairy just isn't that hard to work around. Unless you are doing something with cheese. Then it's impossible. Everything else though? There's a decent subtitute. The best pumpkin pie I ever had was the year my mom made it with coconut milk so ds could eat it. And it made him so, so, so, so happy that he got to have exactly what everyone else was having instead of some substitute. Isn't that what cooking for the family for a holiday supposed to achieve? Happiness?

Anyway, I totally understand the frustration here. A family culture where food is so important to the adults, yet they can't get why it would be important to kids to actually be included.

Catherine

[justlearning]

I'm envious of your big family get-togethers--I wish that DH or I had siblings that we could get together with like that.

Addressing your issue, it sounds like they currently make items that are similar but dairy-free. Is that correct? So they understand, for example, that rice milk works well for mashed potatoes but almond milk or coconut milk would be tastier for a dessert? I was just wondering if they understood how to properly substitute. If not, I could see how they would think that mashed potatoes made with almond milk, for example, tastes gross.

Have they stated to you that they prefer the taste of regular dairy ingredients to the substitutions? If so, then I don't think it's fair to expect them to all eat something that doesn't taste as good in order for there to only be one kind. (For example, most people aren't going to like the taste of soy cheese pizza as much as regular cheese pizza, and I wouldn't expect others to eat soy cheese pizza with me just because I have to.)

But if it's just an issue of them not having enough of the dairy substitutions on hand or not knowing how to properly use them, then perhaps they'd be open to using them in place of dairy for everyone if you brought over all the dairy subs and helped them understand how to substitute.

Just an idea...sorry that it's frustrating to you and your kids. As a parent of a child with a nut allergy, I understand that it's not fair when kids can eat items that my son can't. But part of growing up is understanding that life isn't always fair--there's no way that it will always be equal.

[bisous]

I remember when we did a gluten-free/casein free thanksgiving with DH's family. I ended up making like seven different dishes so my kids could eat the same things. Turns out I did too many because many things (like stuffing) weren't even appetizing to my kids, lol!

Is that an option for you? It was a TON of work but it was worth it to me. I liked being able to say, "Yes, you can eat that too--here you go!" I know you said you are traveling but can you cook on location? Bring ingredients, etc? At the very least they should get a dessert!

I'm frustrated for you!

[justlearning]

Just had another idea. Since you're seeing your relatives post recipes on FB to try out for Thanksgiving, why not join in the fun with them? You could post a couple of dairy-free dessert recipes, for example, and say something like "These look so yummy--I think I'll bring these for Thanksgiving."

That way you're not making a big deal out of it but just offering to bring some good food that you and your kids can eat. I do think that trying to have them all eat only what you can eat could backfire and cause family tension. For example, I'm trying to eat vegan now but if I told my parents that they have to eat a tofurky with me for Thanksgiving instead of a turkey, they would be upset at even the suggestion of that.

P.S. I just saw a friend post this recipe and think I might try it this year: To create a dairy-free and sugar-free alternative to 1 cup of sweetened condensed milk, place 3/4 cup of tofu and 3/4 cup of honey in a blender; blend until smooth and store in the refrigerator.

[KrisM]

I'd invite them all over for dinner and make a huge spread of food. All should just be enough for 3 servings (you and the boys). Then, make 3 things that have enough for everyone else to eat. Explain that the dairy-free stuff is only for the 3 of you, and they are welcome to eat the other items instead.

[Clarity]

I've got a dc with multiple food allergies so I get it. We have always packed her a meal just in case. I get crazy because dd2 has a nut allergy and our family holiday's are a peanut h#ll. I hate it!
Can you take substitutions? Bring coconut milk - it's so yummy as a milk substitute in desserts and coax them to try it. Ask them to use margarine or a dairy alternative to replace the butter in things. Bring supplies and put yourself in charge of the pie! Hugs mama, food intolerances/allergies are so hard during the holidays.

[BabbyO]

My thoughts:
If your in-laws are anything like mine...The food focus is not going to change; I think it's in my family's DNA. :p It's part of how they celebrate, and how they show they care about each other. I'm sort of shocked to hear how upset the emphasis on cooking makes you. Just because, I cannot imagine my family doing it a different way, and it's so natural to us it never crossed my mind that it would offend anyone. For instance, it didn't change with my cousin's or mine/my daughter's allergies, but none of us really has had an objection to it. (My dad's extended family is nothing like that; it'll just be just one choice, the same thing every year. It always seems very boring and uninspired and like no one really cares.)


Interesting perspective. But the bolded part is what gets me...this is how they show they care about each other. So for me and the kids...they care less because there is significantly less for us to eat??? They have to separate us from everyone else via food??? It sends the wrong message. I'm TOTALLY ok with having some things we can't eat...but when we can't eat the majority of the meal...it is insensitive. Especially when there are a million substitutes and I've offered to bring them all... This having 1 thing for us and 3 or 4 options for others isolates us from the rest of the family.



And dairy just isn't that hard to work around. Unless you are doing something with cheese. Then it's impossible. Everything else though? There's a decent subtitute. The best pumpkin pie I ever had was the year my mom made it with coconut milk so ds could eat it. And it made him so, so, so, so happy that he got to have exactly what everyone else was having instead of some substitute. Isn't that what cooking for the family for a holiday supposed to achieve? Happiness?
Catherine

YES.YES.YES! And we love the coconut pumpkin pie, too! There is something about being able to have EXACTLY what everyone else is eating. Not having to worry about taking too much or too little. I just don't see why it is a problem to have Green beans with Earth Balance spread instead of butter. Mashed potatoes for everyone with chicken stock instead of milk. Stuffing with EB instead of butter. Coconut milk pumpkin pie for EVERYONE. Heck...I've even offered to bring the apple pie and any other additional desserts so they are ALL dairy free. As I've said, I don't mind the occasional dish we can't have...it is the entire counter full that gets me.



Addressing your issue, it sounds like they currently make items that are similar but dairy-free. Is that correct? So they understand, for example, that rice milk works well for mashed potatoes but almond milk or coconut milk would be tastier for a dessert? I was just wondering if they understood how to properly substitute. If not, I could see how they would think that mashed potatoes made with almond milk, for example, tastes gross.

Have they stated to you that they prefer the taste of regular dairy ingredients to the substitutions? If so, then I don't think it's fair to expect them to all eat something that doesn't taste as good in order for there to only be one kind. (For example, most people aren't going to like the taste of soy cheese pizza as much as regular cheese pizza, and I wouldn't expect others to eat soy cheese pizza with me just because I have to.)

They get how to substitute...they just choose to limit the dishes that they substitute. So we'll have one choice of veggie while everyone else has 3. We'll have one choice for desserts...everyone else will have 3. It just seems insensitive when substituting is SO easy - especially now that it is just dairy we have to avoid (we used to have to avoid soy, too...and I understand that is significantly more difficult!)


I'd invite them all over for dinner and make a huge spread of food. All should just be enough for 3 servings (you and the boys). Then, make 3 things that have enough for everyone else to eat. Explain that the dairy-free stuff is only for the 3 of you, and they are welcome to eat the other items instead.
HAHAHAH!!! I LOVE this. I'm also going to make DH eat only items the kids can eat for entire month...while I eat dairy in front of him (Now that Peanut decided he's done nursing...I can if I want - though I still eat dairy free most of the time because the kids eat off my plate ALL the time!)

[MamaMolly]

I'd invite them all over for dinner and make a huge spread of food. All should just be enough for 3 servings (you and the boys). Then, make 3 things that have enough for everyone else to eat. Explain that the dairy-free stuff is only for the 3 of you, and they are welcome to eat the other items instead.

Seriously I think this is the only way they'd get it.

At least they try, I have a SIL who claims it is IMPOSSIBLE to make dairy/egg/nut free pumpkin pie. Takes research, yes. A willingness to substitute, yes. Impossible? No.

[LizLemon]

Interesting perspective. But the bolded part is what gets me...this is how they show they care about each other. So for me and the kids...they care less because there is significantly less for us to eat??? They have to separate us from everyone else via food??? It sends the wrong message. I'm TOTALLY ok with having some things we can't eat...but when we can't eat the majority of the meal...it is insensitive. Especially when there are a million substitutes and I've offered to bring them all... This having 1 thing for us and 3 or 4 options for others isolates us from the rest of the family.

I don't know what to tell you. It seems like we are going through similar things to a certain extent. It really doesn't bother me, possibly because my family snacks earlier in the day (basically a meal in and of itself) so I really don't need a lot of dinner to feel full. For instance, the main course of Christmas dinner is always prime rib even though my family knows I don't like red meat. It doesn't offend me, I just eat some sides. Last year, I still made a cheesecake, chock full of dairy. Not because I don't care about my daughter or myself, but because the rest of my family loves it and requests it every year. (I made some dairy free stuff, too.)

From what you said above, it's now just your kids who are on dietary restrictions? So could you just make them a full spread (but limited amounts) of whatever you want them to have? Then your kiddos could have a special, safe dinner just for them. You could also make extra and freeze some for Christmas, if your kids tolerate repeats. Just an idea - I wouldn't ask permission and would just bring it.

[HannaAddict]

I'd deal directly with the ILs and tell them that the kids are too young to fully understand why they can't have this but they can have that. I'd ask them directly if you all could only have items that everyone can eat. In the future, maybe you all could host Tday and set the rules that only dairy-free items are invited.

Sorry, this seems unreasonable on a food based holiday. I can imagine the bitching post from the other side if a SIL made that request.

[HannaAddict]

Seriously I think this is the only way they'd get it.

At least they try, I have a SIL who claims it is IMPOSSIBLE to make dairy/egg/nut free pumpkin pie. Takes research, yes. A willingness to substitute, yes. Impossible? No.

Why not just make the sides you like as dairy free pumpkin pie and bring them? Just do it. Make everyone's life easier and not resent them. I don't think it is the hostesses job to try and makeover dishes dairy free when the majority of the guests are fine. It seems different than nuts I guess (I totally wouldn't have any nuts if a nut allergy). Not sure why it seems different, maybe I'm not up to speed with the allergy stuff.