Can you tell a friend to just get over it?

[lovin2shop]

This sounds really harsh, and I don't mean to be, but one of my closest friends seems to be falling down a slope of negativity. She wants to be a SAHM, but financially needs to work. She is quite open about their finances, so I don't think it is a reality that she will ever be able to quit working. This is a very noticeable change in her personality, but it has been going on for a least a year now. The bitterness over it just can't be healthy, and I think really impacts her kid's outlook on life based on comments they have made to me about their mom having to work.

At a certain point, I think you just have to look for the good in life and be greatful for what you have, right? Is this something that a friend should say? I think it has gotten to the point that other people are avoiding her because of the negativity, and I admit to having to take a deep breath these days before we talk.

[daisymommy]

I wonder it has now turned into clinical depression? If so, she may need to talk to a therapist and maybe start meds to pull out of it.

[daisysmom]

I think it depends how close you are. Way back when I wasn't dating DH and had a series of really go-nowhere "boyfriends", I was all melancholy about how I was never going to find Mr. Right and all our friends were married yada yada yada, and this pretty close friend of mine pretty much did the get over it thing. She basically started calling me Negative Nellie whenever I would say somethign like that. I was kinda stunned that she did it, but looking back now I am glad she did. Once she pointed out, I could see that I really needed to get over it. I had her in my wedding when I eventually got married, and we are still close. I saw her a few weeks ago and commented that she really was going gray... so we have that kind of close friendship that allows us to not beat round the bush and just say it like it is.

And... if it was bordering on depression, I think having a friend encourage her to get help is good too.

My only rule is that I don't tell anyone, close friends or close family, that they should think twice about marrying someone. I have never dealt with a friend possibly getting abused, but I have had plenty of friends who picked spouses who I personally would not have married. But I learned when a friend told me that they thought I shouldn't marry my DH that you just don't forgive that kind of bluntness. So I keep those feelings to myself.

[Philly Mom]

How close are you? If you are very close, then I would sit her down and talk about how her attitude is affecting others, and she needs to come to peace with it. I also agree with PP that perhaps she needs to see a therapist. Otherwise, I am not sure what I would do, but I would probably start distancing myself as well.

[bostonsmama]

Set parameters for her venting. Sometimes when I notice all I do is complain to friends because I'm going through a rough season, I say, "Give me 4 minutes, then let's talk about what's new in your life." For me, it's how I was raised, not that I dwell on the negative all the time, but my family bonded over griping and sharing the commonality of frustration. For something so painful as having to work vs be at home with loved ones, that's huge!

If you truly believe she is dwelling with a spirit of ingratitude and so obsessed with what she doesn't have (100% of the time), buy her a copy of Ann Voskamps' One Thousand Gifts. I love this book. It has transformed my life. The author has an early, devestating loss that drug her down until she focused on what she DID have. Her mission became being thankful for what she does have, and I saw that you mentioned that as what's bothering you.

http://onethousandgifts.com/

[JElaineB]

I wonder it has now turned into clinical depression? If so, she may need to talk to a therapist and maybe start meds to pull out of it.

That was my first thought as well, that she may have some form of depression.

[karstmama]

i'd try to have a very loving 'get over it' talk. i just did this past week, in an email. but i said a couple of times 'read this and picture us sitting with a cup of coffee or tea, with me patting your hand, because i don't want you to read this with any snark or exasperation in the tone'. it does seem to have worked, but time will tell.

[mackmama]

It depends on the friendship. I think you "should" be able to say it, but you never know how it will be received. It could affect the relationship negatively. I'd probably tend toward saying something in the framework of being concerned for her, rather than saying how her attitude is affecting others.

[wellyes]

I have very gently recommended the book 'The Happiness Project' to people in a bad place..... so long as there aren't serious health or family problems (abuse, incarceration, etc) then happiness can be a choice you make. It takes work but it's so incredibly worth it.

[Kestrel]

As a kind of third option, have you suggested that she try to find a job that lets her work out of her house? If she needs some income, that might work for her.

[lovin2shop]

Thanks for the feedback everyone. I thought about this situation more this weekend, and after talking to my friend, I do think it is possible that depression may be involved at this point. So obviously, a snap out of it conversation would probably not be helpful. What is the best way to bring up depression without sounding patronizing or insincere?

I would say that we are very close, but lately there has been a lot of awkwardness over the problems that her family has had to face vs. a lot of good news that has come the way of our family. We are spending a lot of time together over the next few weeks, so I may have the opportunity to bring up the topic. However, these are pretty major events that we will be at together, so I'm not certain that the settings will be appropriate to discuss.