I am afraid I have turned into THAT mother...

[fedoragirl]

...the dreaded helicopter mom. And I am not sure how I can stop it or whether I should even try.
Background: I am a former teacher so I am aware of the annoying parents. DD has been in a preschool that I have not been happy with. She has been given space in another preschool (which I really liked) but can't begin till she's 3. DD is 2 months shy of being 3. She is currently with 3-6 year olds because that's how all "kindergartens" in Germany run. I still don't understand why they couldn't keep her in the 2 yr.old group but they told us that she needed to move up in Sept. (4 months before she turns 3). After all my hand wringing, I decided she needed the social and language support there. She attends 2 days a week for about 4 hours.
Things that have bothered me in the last 2 weeks:
1. They are having a walk with hand crafted lamps. DD only attends twice a week. One of the interns handed me the craft materials and said I should make the lantern since DD was not there when the kids made them. This didn't bother me but sort of irked me because I was told by the management that DD cannot attend their preschool daily till she's officially 3. So, how is this my fault? Anyway, this is not a big deal and I didn't say anything about it.
2. DD has a clash with another girl there (about the same age) and they get into things physically. When I have been there for pickup, I have seen A bonk DD on the head, wrench things out of her hand. I am sure that DD is not blameless but she's not into getting physical unless she has to. She is pretty non-confrontational. Anyhow, I didn't want to blame anyone so I told DD's teachers to be on the lookout for such behavior. Their response: oh, it's nothing serious. It's just a little hit here and there. And this is where I became THAT mom. Overreacted?
3. Yesterday, the temps were in the 30s. It was sprinkling and gray. I dropped off a snowsuit for DD. When I go to pick her up, she has no hat and her shoes are untied. She is wearing the snowsuit but no jacket underneath. When asked, the teacher said, "oh, she didn't want to wear the hat." But my confusion was that she's not even 3 and should not be relied to make such decisions because she's clearly copying the 5-6 year olds. Anyway, not a big deal but just irksome that they are treating her as if she's an older child. She is also tall for her age so that adds to the confusion.

DD told me today that her teacher (whom she has loved in the past) got "angry" with her. I asked DD what happened but she didn't answer me. DD is not very good with the "why" questions yet. So, now I am afraid that the teacher is reacting to my helicopter parenting and taking it out on DD. It's so hard when you're in a different culture with a different language. I can't gauge my way through this.
I can't back off about certain things but I know I should back off about some things. Part of the dilemma is that my mom never ever advocated for me and still doesn't. I want to make sure that I am there for my child but I don't want to alienate her teachers. Maybe I am overthinking this. Any words of wisdom?

[codex57]

Honestly, IMO, all of the stuff is relatively minor. It gets to be the 30s here. I know how cold that is. My kids won't wear a hat either. Nearly everyone doesn't. I've seen no ill effects provided they're bundled up otherwise.

It's good that you want to advocate for you kid. Maybe keep writing all the stuff out to vent? Ask people if they think you need to push something or not?

[fedoragirl]

Honestly, IMO, all of the stuff is relatively minor. It gets to be the 30s here. I know how cold that is. My kids won't wear a hat either. Nearly everyone doesn't. I've seen no ill effects provided they're bundled up otherwise.

It's good that you want to advocate for you kid. Maybe keep writing all the stuff out to vent? Ask people if they think you need to push something or not?

No, I don't think it's major either. I guess I just rambled on and didn't ask a specific question. Do you talk to the teachers about daily issues (like the above) without seeming like criticising them about everything they are doing? I was just trying to advocate for DD without it sounding like I'm nitpicking but I guess it backfired...or so I think.

[Momit]

My experience in the German kindergarten is that they are way less protective and hands on with kids than we are here. Overall I loved our kindergarten experience but there were a few things that I was concerned about and had to keep my mouth shut
-there was a staircase that the kids were expected/allowed to go up and down by themselves. I was very worried but everyone else seemed ok with it. Found out as we were leaving that their version of the PTA was raising money to get a gate.
-the year we were there was the first year they had any kind of sign in or sign out sheet. One parent said her daughter had left and walked home (just a few houses away from the school, but still)
-they left sharp things like tacks and scissors in reach of the kids all the time. Same with small choking hazard type things
-we had mixed age (2-6) groups, which seemed odd at first but grew to like
-the kids went outside in all kinds of weather, which I also grew to like
-the teachers would let the kids struggle with an activity (taking off boots, peeling a clementine) for a long time without helping. They had more students and fewer teachers than we're used to so they had to get the kids to be independent however they could

I did have to stifle my inner helicopter a few times but for the most part we were really happy with the experience once I learned to go with the flow of how they did things.

[codex57]

I don't mind that system, even if some of it is out of necessity. Since you already understand helicopter parents, you understand that part of the objection is that it coddles kids and they don't learn things on their own. They miss that whole, "it's ok to learn from mistakes and mistakes can be a better teacher than success" bit.

I mean, younger kids learn a lot quicker when with older kids cuz they emulate them. You said she needs language and social support there. Well, that's the best way to go about it.

Your helicopter mom instincts perhaps are kicking in here.

So, yeah, I'd say vent here and maybe ask for a reality check.

[Green_Tea]

1. They are having a walk with hand crafted lamps. DD only attends twice a week. One of the interns handed me the craft materials and said I should make the lantern since DD was not there when the kids made them. This didn't bother me but sort of irked me because I was told by the management that DD cannot attend their preschool daily till she's officially 3. So, how is this my fault? Anyway, this is not a big deal and I didn't say anything about it.


Is the issue that they're going on this walk and your DD won't have a lantern unless you make it? It sounds like maybe they're trying to make sure that she's not the odd one out? I get that they won't let her attend daily preschool yet and you're not happy about it, but it sounds like they're trying to make it so she has what the other kids do. Or am I misunderstanding?





2. DD has a clash with another girl there (about the same age) and they get into things physically. When I have been there for pickup, I have seen A bonk DD on the head, wrench things out of her hand. I am sure that DD is not blameless but she's not into getting physical unless she has to. She is pretty non-confrontational. Anyhow, I didn't want to blame anyone so I told DD's teachers to be on the lookout for such behavior. Their response: oh, it's nothing serious. It's just a little hit here and there. And this is where I became THAT mom. Overreacted?


Meh. Kids hit. Not desirable behavior AT ALL, but also not something to blow out of proportion. It's age appropriate for toddlers/preschoolers.




3. Yesterday, the temps were in the 30s. It was sprinkling and gray. I dropped off a snowsuit for DD. When I go to pick her up, she has no hat and her shoes are untied. She is wearing the snowsuit but no jacket underneath. When asked, the teacher said, "oh, she didn't want to wear the hat." But my confusion was that she's not even 3 and should not be relied to make such decisions because she's clearly copying the 5-6 year olds. Anyway, not a big deal but just irksome that they are treating her as if she's an older child. She is also tall for her age so that adds to the confusion.



Sorry, no help here. I think people - even little kids - should get to decide when they're hot and when they're cold and make choices about what they're wearing. It's in the 30s here, too. A snowsuit would be overkill unless she's actually playing IN snow.

[fedoragirl]

Thanks! I feel much better now. I had a feeling that I was pushing it and now I know. :)
Momit, thanks for all your inside info. Always very helpful.

[ged]

Hugs to you. It certainly is different when in a foreign country and interacting with a new language/culture. In your 1st case, I may be totally reading into things, but perhaps you were bothered b/c of how you perceived the intern spoke to you? I know, somewhat minor, but my exp. so far is that I am often bothered by how I am spoken to. The tone, attitude, etc., makes it seems like it is my fault, my mistake. But, I am probably just being over sensitive. Likewise, when they stare at me...it bothers me. Ultimately, it is just a different culture and in most cases, they are wonderful people who just do things differently than how I am used to.

[roseyloxs]

:hug: I think its a little strange that they moved your dd up above her age level but they must have thought she was the most mature of the kids below 3. Our school is completely mixed. They have 2 classrooms that they mix up everyday but each room has kids from 2-6 in it. There are activities that only the older kids do but for a majority of the day they are completely mixed.

DS was also having altercations with another boy in his school to the point of physical confrontations. Strangely the other boy was actually the other American boy. Anyways most of the teachers were very accommodating to my concerns. One teacher made some comment about how the other boy wasn't the problem but didn't elaborate when I asked what she meant. She is the one teacher who speaks very little English to me. I don't know if she can't speak English or chooses not to (I have a feeling she just makes a point not to). I had seen this other boy elsewhere as has my husband and he beats up on kids including girls. So I really wish she had told me what she meant by that but whatever some things I just have to give up on because I can't speak German.

Anyways I tried to bring up the subject without being critical of the teachers. I first conceded that fighting is normal but that my ds was coming home upset and was still upset in the morning knowing he was going to have to face the other boy. Basically I was trying to bring forth details that the teachers didn't know so its not their fault they hadn't done more at that point. Then I tried to offer a solution I thought was simple and completely doable for them which was just keep them in different classrooms for just one week. I know they still had to play outside together but was hoping that would be enough separation to give ds comfort... and it was. The boys are still not friends but the fighting has stopped and my ds is no longer upset by the other boys presence.

The lantern thing is a bit strange. If my kids had missed a craft like that then one of the teachers would have just made it for them not sent home supplies. As you said its not a big deal but it would irk me too. I wouldn't say anything though, its just not worth it.

All in all you only have a few months left so I would just take a deep breath when the small things happen (like missing hats, etc). Oh also if the teachers are taking the time to tie her shoes then I would pick shoes with no laces so your dd can do it on her own. Pick your battles. For me I would concentrate on the other girl. If dd isn't upset about it though then I would just let it go... if she comes home upset then I would bring it up again with the teachers. HTH.

[Momit]

Hey, Fedoragirl - 2 things I forgot. One is to say it sounds like you are doing a fabulous job navigating the German system. I had to rely on my English speaking friends and the one English speaking teacher to help us at the Kindergarten - I am so impressed that you have the conversations you do with your ILs, the school etc. The second is to enjoy St. Martins - it was one of my favorite times, the parade in our little town was beautiful.

[fedoragirl]

Thank you. Very helpful. Would it seem appropriate to let her teachers know that my expectations may be different than what they are used to, and hope they understand....sort of talk? I feel like I want to be the parent they listen to but I don't want to be demanding. However, I also don't want to cow down to them as I have heard that this can backfire in German schools. I can speak some German but I just can't understand the cultural nuances and tone, etc. It is a very direct language and the accompanying tone is harsh, to say the least. I try to remember not to compare it to English but it's a little bewildering.
I just want to remain on good terms with the teachers. Since this is a small village, we will run into each other whether we remain at the kindergarten or not. So, I'd rather not burn any bridges.

[codex57]

Thank you. Very helpful. Would it seem appropriate to let her teachers know that my expectations may be different than what they are used to, and hope they understand....sort of talk? I feel like I want to be the parent they listen to but I don't want to be demanding. However, I also don't want to cow down to them as I have heard that this can backfire in German schools. I can speak some German but I just can't understand the cultural nuances and tone, etc. It is a very direct language and the accompanying tone is harsh, to say the least. I try to remember not to compare it to English but it's a little bewildering.
I just want to remain on good terms with the teachers. Since this is a small village, we will run into each other whether we remain at the kindergarten or not. So, I'd rather not burn any bridges.

Sounds like a fabulous idea. I'm sure there are big cultural differences. Once everyone gets to know everyone better, you can more easily talk about possible issues without getting the wrong idea. I mean, it's not like your worries are completely off base. It can easily be a pleasant talk and everyone being happy about the issue being resolved, or it can also veer off and lead to hurt feelings. If everyone gets along and has a good understanding of one another, much more likely to go the good way.