marie
11-12-2012, 09:26 AM
In GreenTea's post someone mentioned the book Duct-Tape Parenting. Thought I'd share some of our experience with it.
DH and I did a 6-week parenting class with the author of Duct-Tape Parenting. Her program is called Parenting-On-Track. For the psych majors out there ;), she likes to refer to Adler and Adlerians. (She also is a devotee of Alfie Kohn.)
Her whole approach is about making your kids responsible and resilient. She's pretty hard-core (and honestly, her personality can be pretty abrasive). A kid doesn't brush his teeth, you don't force it. If the kid doesn't get self-conscious about stinky breath (one of the natural consequences), then the kid puts money into the "dentist jar" every time the teeth aren't brushed. You're supposed to find out from your dentist how much a filling would cost and your kid will have to pay for it themselves if they are not choosing to brush their teeth. (DDs are pretty good about brushing their teeth, but if they aren't out the door in time to catch the bus or walk to school, they are each charged $1 for a ride to school from us.)
Allowance is not attached to tasks. It's given out every week at family meeting (a very important part of the program) so kids get the cold hard cash in their hands but then they are responsible for things like the above and also for buying friend's birthday presents, stuff they want. If DDs don't have money with them at the store and want something, I don't lend it anymore.
In the previous thread about the striking mom, I mentioned one of the other pieces of Duct-tape Parenting: the do-nothing, say-nothing week. Where basically you don't do or say anything to your kids for a week. They are responsible for feeding themselves (age appropriate, of course), dressing themselves, getting out the door for school, washing their own dishes, etc. etc. The week we did it was awful. DDs raided the pantry of all candy, stayed up super late, watched way more tv than we ever allow. DD2 spilled oatmeal on the floor in the kitchen at one point and left it there. I let it stay for about 3 days before I couldn't take it anymore and cleaned it up. DD1 did try to get DD2 to clean it up but she wouldn't. It was eye-opening. My kids rely on us to do so much when they are so capable! After the week, everyone pitched in and cleaned up the house - after surveying the utter disaster that results when mom and dad stopped cleaning up after folks!
Since the classes, we are nagging DDs a lot less. We don't remind them. They each know their calendar and are responsible for remembering when they need sneakers for gym day, when they need a cold lunch, etc. (Luckily, the school is on board with kids being responsible for their own homework. I never even look at DD1's homework, unless she asks me for help drilling spelling words. And DD2's teacher knows what we are doing and will talk to DD2 directly about making sure she remembers to pack a snack.)
Anyway, I highly recommend the book and the classes/podcasts (google Parenting-on-Track). As you can imagine, the program is way more involved than what I mentioned above.
DH and I did a 6-week parenting class with the author of Duct-Tape Parenting. Her program is called Parenting-On-Track. For the psych majors out there ;), she likes to refer to Adler and Adlerians. (She also is a devotee of Alfie Kohn.)
Her whole approach is about making your kids responsible and resilient. She's pretty hard-core (and honestly, her personality can be pretty abrasive). A kid doesn't brush his teeth, you don't force it. If the kid doesn't get self-conscious about stinky breath (one of the natural consequences), then the kid puts money into the "dentist jar" every time the teeth aren't brushed. You're supposed to find out from your dentist how much a filling would cost and your kid will have to pay for it themselves if they are not choosing to brush their teeth. (DDs are pretty good about brushing their teeth, but if they aren't out the door in time to catch the bus or walk to school, they are each charged $1 for a ride to school from us.)
Allowance is not attached to tasks. It's given out every week at family meeting (a very important part of the program) so kids get the cold hard cash in their hands but then they are responsible for things like the above and also for buying friend's birthday presents, stuff they want. If DDs don't have money with them at the store and want something, I don't lend it anymore.
In the previous thread about the striking mom, I mentioned one of the other pieces of Duct-tape Parenting: the do-nothing, say-nothing week. Where basically you don't do or say anything to your kids for a week. They are responsible for feeding themselves (age appropriate, of course), dressing themselves, getting out the door for school, washing their own dishes, etc. etc. The week we did it was awful. DDs raided the pantry of all candy, stayed up super late, watched way more tv than we ever allow. DD2 spilled oatmeal on the floor in the kitchen at one point and left it there. I let it stay for about 3 days before I couldn't take it anymore and cleaned it up. DD1 did try to get DD2 to clean it up but she wouldn't. It was eye-opening. My kids rely on us to do so much when they are so capable! After the week, everyone pitched in and cleaned up the house - after surveying the utter disaster that results when mom and dad stopped cleaning up after folks!
Since the classes, we are nagging DDs a lot less. We don't remind them. They each know their calendar and are responsible for remembering when they need sneakers for gym day, when they need a cold lunch, etc. (Luckily, the school is on board with kids being responsible for their own homework. I never even look at DD1's homework, unless she asks me for help drilling spelling words. And DD2's teacher knows what we are doing and will talk to DD2 directly about making sure she remembers to pack a snack.)
Anyway, I highly recommend the book and the classes/podcasts (google Parenting-on-Track). As you can imagine, the program is way more involved than what I mentioned above.