Anyone decide to stay and NOT make a big deal about (fill in the blank) eg. cheating?

[MizMojoLaveau]

just wondering after reading several recent posts. I'm thinking it might be possible to be "so over" all types of things that you might encounter in a marriage like cheating (emotional or otherwise), living with an egocentric person, etc., that someone decide to just "let it slide" and not make a big deal of it. Anyone BTDT on either of these accounts? Would it just blow over and all be okay in the end and perhaps not worth changing DCs lives forever over?
With the cheating thing, if the spouse seems happier, might it not be okay to let it continue if it had pros and cons and you decided the pros out weigh the cons for the WHOLE of the family (eg. pros: happier DH, treats family better, making everyone happier really; cons: spouse has less time with family, spends more $$$ on clothing).
Perhaps a little unconventional, but just trying to get opinions from a broader base here (hopefully anyone BTDT).......I know this must go on all the time.

[Clarity]

My dh struggles with some mental health issues and he had an emotional affair after the birth of our second child. While I definitely did not "let it slide" we are still married, usually pretty happily so. My decision to stay had a lot to do with the fact that we had a 3yo and 6mo old. I wanted to be able to say that I did every thing that I possibly could before ending my marriage to their father. So, we sought marriage counseling and he underwent some personal counseling. We still face challenges but who doesn't? I am still watchful but I am not paranoid that he will enter into another situation like the one in the past. I tend to think that was largely a manifestation of his mental illness so it's complex and my reasons for working on "us" rather than leaving are equally so. :) HTH!

[hillview]

An acquaintance of mine where the husband is in a social group with DH has an "understanding" with his wife. Wife doesn't like sex apparently. My ex boss told me that he had an "understanding" with his wife (so did I want to have sex with him) -- less sure of how real that was ...

[sidmand]

I think there is a huge difference between "letting it slide" and being able to get past it and move on and most instances would be the latter.

DH had one, maybe two, emotional affairs but it was a HUGE wakeup call to our marriage. We immediately started counseling and realized that neither of us were putting as much as we could into the marriage and that both of us really wanted to be with each other and the most important thing to us was our family.

It wasn't easy. It took awhile to get past the hurt feelings and was a work in progress for quite awhile. So, I would never say that I "let it slide" but it definitely didn't spell that end of our marriage and actually probably ended up improving it in the long run.

[Dream]

When DD2 was 3 months DH hired a prostitute. I was devastated when I found out. I was ready to end things. But what made me hold onto was DD1, she's very sensitive, stutters when nervous etc. and I would say way too attached to DH. I feared a divorce would permanently damage her. He wanted to stay in the marriage and I agreed to try to work things out. A year after, I would say we're in a better position than we were before everything went down. I guess it was an eye opener. I wouldn't say I'm over it, I'm trying to forget it and move on. I still have days I think of it and I can't image how he could do it. But I try to shrug off the thoughts.

[Raidra]

Here's the thing.. if one person in a marriage is having an affair, they're not happier for it. Generally speaking, affairs take away emotional energy, focus, and satisfaction away from the family as a whole, not just the marriage. My husband is in recovery from sex addiction and we both attend meetings (separately) - that's where I'm getting my anecdotal evidence from. Many SAs lament the energy they spent on their various acting out behaviors instead of spending that on their family.

This is not to say that anyone who has an affair is a SA - just that a lot of the same principles apply.

There are definitely pros to staying and letting things slide in certain situations, just as there are cons. I know I've considered what I would do if my husband refused to stay in recovery, relapsed, etc. One of those options is staying together for financial and child-raising reasons, but you also have to consider the damage that having un-loving parents as role models will cause, and your stress from having your emotional needs go unmet.

I can't speak specifically to other issues (narcissism, etc). I'll just say that I can't believe that things would ever just blow over and be alright in the end, in any situation like that - without doing anything at all to make things better. At the very least, there would be unresolved resentment/anger/hurt that would continue to poison your life.

[sidmand]

After I reread, I was going to say something more along the lines of what Rachel said...

I don't think you could ever let something that big just slide...unless you weren't in it for the type of marriage that most of us think of when we think of marriage. But I think at that point, you would already know that and know that you're in a "marriage" just for ________ (be it status, financial, appearance, companionship, etc.)

If anything like that happened, there are underlying issues in the marriage. Someone doesn't do something like cheat unless there is some reason. The reason may be real or imagined but it's something the person feels and if it's not addressed in some way, I can't imagine both parties could be happy like that.

[AshleyAnn]

I pretended not to notice my exhusbands cheating for quite some time and attempted to work it out with him after multiple affairs. Really it was because I was terrified of the D word and having to do it alone.

I have a coworker who has a "european marriage" (not what he calls it, but I have heard this term and it describes it well) but partners are permited quiet affairs and do not believe it affects thier relationship. They both seem very happy and settled in this arrangement. He treats her just wonderfully and they spend way more quality time together than most couples married 10+ years. I would not consider either of them to be 'unloved' or unfullfilled by their marriage. I picked up the term 'eurpoean marriage' from a magazine article I read about it becoming more common in the US, according to the article it is rather common in europe.

[Multimama]

I have a coworker who has a "european marriage" (not what he calls it, but I have heard this term and it describes it well) but partners are permited quiet affairs and do not believe it affects thier relationship. They both seem very happy and settled in this arrangement. He treats her just wonderfully and they spend way more quality time together than most couples married 10+ years. I would not consider either of them to be 'unloved' or unfullfilled by their marriage. I picked up the term 'eurpoean marriage' from a magazine article I read about it becoming more common in the US, according to the article it is rather common in europe.

I think using the term "European marriage" to describe this phenomenon is offensive. I don't see how it describes it well or really describes it at all. I realize you didn't invent the term, but I'd like to kindly request that we not perpetuate its use.

To the OP, I think it would depend on a lot of things as to how I would respond to a cheating spouse, but I don't really understand when people say they will unequivocally leave a marriage if there is any adultery. My marriage is so much more than my sex life.

[Pyrodjm]

For DH and I marriage requires monogamy. No just sexually, either. We chose each other to fulfill our emotional needs also. The reasons cheating is a dealbreaker for me are many. The health risks involved with multiple sexual partners is and obvious problem. The time spent away from spouse and family another. IMO if you feel that you need to be with and sleep with multiple people to be happy and fulfilled, you shouldn't be married.

If I ever have such an awful outlook on my relationship and husband that it no longer matters to me who he sleeps or how big a jerk he is, I need to be by myself anyway. At that point, I'm not in a loving relationship.

I learned early on that men that say "I love you but your love alone is not enough to fulfill me. I also needs hers and hers and hers..." Are playing on women's insecurities and the fear that they can never be enough. I will not be belittled in the most important relationship in my life.

If he needs to sleep with more than one woman at a time to be happy and treat his family well, he doesn't deserve them.

[lovebebes]

For DH and I marriage requires monogamy. No just sexually, either. We chose each other to fulfill our emotional needs also. The reasons cheating is a dealbreaker for me are many. The health risks involved with multiple sexual partners is and obvious problem. The time spent away from spouse and family another. IMO if you feel that you need to be with and sleep with multiple people to be happy and fulfilled, you shouldn't be married.

If I ever have such an awful outlook on my relationship and husband that it no longer matters to me who he sleeps or how big a jerk he is, I need to be by myself anyway. At that point, I'm not in a loving relationship.

I learned early on that men that say "I love you but your love alone is not enough to fulfill me. I also needs hers and hers and hers..." Are playing on women's insecurities and the fear that they can never be enough. I will not be belittled in the most important relationship in my life.

If he needs to sleep with more than one woman at a time to be happy and treat his family well, he doesn't deserve them.

Agree 100%