Struggling to be available

[DietCokeLover]

I am having a difficult time being emotionally and physically available to my dc right now. My mom is going back in the hospital 1000 miles away. Dad has dementia and will be alone and scared. I am worried sick. I am an only child, there's no one there. I need to be in two places at one time and am having a tough time focusing on anything.

How do you "be there" for your dc when you are just struggling to hold it together?

[♥ms.pacman♥]

No advice, just wanted to send hugs :hug: and say I'm sorry you are dealing with this...it must be so hard.

[bisous]

You know what, your kids will be okay in the short run if you aren't totally on top of your game right this minute. If you are caring for their basic needs, being kind and trying your best, that is enough, really. Be kind to yourself! You are going through a lot but your kids are more resilient than you think! If you aren't able to do as much as you usually do, your kids will still be just fine!

I've weathered a few crises in my life and I'm always surprised by how little they seem to effect my kids.

Hugs. I'm sorry you are dealing with so much.

[sste]

Oh, I am so sorry to hear of this too! I have been going through some similar things. I think the reality is that there are just times like this when we are distracted from our kids and it is not going to be their whole childhood and they aren't going to remember their childhood that way. It is just a sad and distracting period and its not a terrible thing for kids to see.

As for me, I talked to my kids about what was going on and how I felt. They were incredibly sweet and had some startlingly good suggestions actually! I also made it a goal to spend 15 minutes 1:1 with each of them each day where I just focused on them. Sometimes a little step like that can improve things dramatically.

[hillview]

I was in a similar situation when my mom was going through what ended up being Stage IV colon cancer -- multiple surgeries and chemos. I was with my kids but not there there/present often. I tried to do the simple things (read to them. snuggling.). DH picked up the slack. It was a relatively short term thing so the kids were fine. Your kids will be ok. Do what you can. take it easy on yourself and them. So sorry you are going through this!

[maestramommy]

:hug:I'm sorry things are so hard. No advice, just take one day at a time. :hug:

[KpbS]

I am so sorry to hear this! I think that it is fine to be somewhat distant when emotionally overwhelmed. You've got to think rationally and process your emotions to keep going. Your DC will be ok--I do think it is a good idea to explain to them, carefully, about what is happening and let them know you are sad/worried. I like the PP idea of a focused amount of time per child per day. Keep to their routines as much as you can but extra tv time, bath time, snuggle time a bedtime will be good things.

:grouphug:

[MMMommy]

:hug: I'm sorry you are going through this tough time.

[larig]

Oh, I am so sorry to hear of this too! I have been going through some similar things. I think the reality is that there are just times like this when we are distracted from our kids and it is not going to be their whole childhood and they aren't going to remember their childhood that way. It is just a sad and distracting period and its not a terrible thing for kids to see.

As for me, I talked to my kids about what was going on and how I felt. They were incredibly sweet and had some startlingly good suggestions actually! I also made it a goal to spend 15 minutes 1:1 with each of them each day where I just focused on them. Sometimes a little step like that can improve things dramatically.

these are wise words. :grouphug: hugs, OP.

[trcy]

No advice, but I could not read without sending :hug:.

[DietCokeLover]

Thank you for your reassurances. I do appreciate it..... Mama guilt is tough to overcome.

[kijip]

I am so sorry for your mother's health. you are a loving and good daughter and mother.

The mama guilt is tough to overcome. Within 10 months of my mother's cancer going from bad, very bad to "this is the end" worse, I had a complicated pregnancy and emergency early c-section birth and fell deep into PPD. My mother died when Finn was a little more than 5 months. My husband and I were my mom's FT caregivers. A lot had to slip. A lot. Dinners were takeout and pancakes and whatever casserole friends had delivered, T went from getting full on attention from 2 parents and 2 active grandparents to way less attention and time and a new sibling transition. My mom moved in with us and we had to give her his bedroom and be had to sleep on a cot in our room. We made sure to give him regular breaks with friends and sitters but we were burning on all sides. We stuck to certain things like reading bedtime stories and my husband made a point to take him for find stuff on his own. I can't say he got the best of us at that time. He got what we had to give. He got to be with his much loved grandma a lot for the short time she had left to give. It was not easy on him but as soon as possible things stabilized. It's hard to juggle your ailing parents with your kids. In the end, I just have to remind myself that he learned a valuable life lesson about taking care of family and a family staying together as happily as possible during that crisis. It doesn't stop me from feeling badly about how little he got from us then but it does remind me to treasure him as much as I can now. Do what you can, when you can. Right now for your kids that is a bit less. But in the end, it averages out provided you heap focus and time on them when you can.

[hopeful_mama]

Haven't had similar problems yet, but I've found with the problems we have had (my health issues, the recent blackout after the hurricane, work stresses that bleed into home life, etc), extra hugs and snuggles really seem to help. They're easy and often help me feel a little better too. Another easy one, if you're up to it, is just reading to them. It's quality time but your brain can go on autopilot and disconnect a bit. Haven't dealt with more than one kid yet, but if they're good on errands and your DH has some time too, maybe you can trade off and just take one on an errand or something routine just so they have some extra one-on-one time with you too, but in a way that's hopefully low-key emotionally for you too (obviously if they're a huge handful on errands I would not recommend this!).

:grouphug: and best wishes.

[mytwosons]

I was unavailable to my kids for similar reasons this summer. They are OK and your kids will be too.

DH stepped up, which helped tremendously.

My kids knew what I was dealing with and we spoke openly about how it was affecting me. DS1 would "remind" me when I was being too short, etc. and it would just take a minute or two of focused attention to make things better. He just needed to hear me recognize there was an issue, apologize and give him some brief attention and reassurance this wouldn't last forever. ETA: When he called me on issues, like being short with him, I think he was looking for reassurance that he hadn't done something to cause my behavior. The reassurance that it was the situation, which wouldn't go on together was very helpful.

Hugs. Your kids will be ok.

[twowhat?]

Just want to send hugs. That sounds so hard:hug:

[Twoboos]

I'm so sorry. It's incredibly hard to feel pulled in both directions. And even more difficult at a distance.

We went through this when my parents were sick, and my kids were really young (2 & 4). They watched a lot of tv. They went on playdates with good friends. DD1 was in preschool, and I added another day to DD2's daycare to get more time to myself to process everything. DH was with them on weekends, so I could visit my dad one day, then my mom the next. I tried to keep things as "normal" as possible, even though I was feeling pretty frantic inside. (And I know it came out at times!! I remember them watching TV one day and me crying hysterically in the next room - I had 12 min to cry and 12 min to get myself together before the show was over.)

You are doing your best, and you will come out on the other side. So will your kids!! :hug: