Mad or no?

[jjjo1112]

I have 2 younger brothers, we are a pretty close family, but I am closest with my youngest brother. We talk and see each other on a weekly basis and he talks to my DH daily, usually more than once a day. His long-term girlfriend is a photographer/nanny. She works part-time as a nanny 2pm-6pm M-F and does her photography work on the weekends. She has taken pictures of the kids each fall for us, for the past 4 years. She used to take pictures of them all the time, especially back when she was in photography school but now has more work. We had picked Sunday for her to take pics of the kids as these are usually the pics we use for Christmas cards. We have always done them at the beach, but I know she is busy, so I offered to bring the kids to her, so she doesn't have to travel the 45 minutes to the beach. She texted me last night, that something came up on Sunday and she can't do the pictures. I texted her back, no big deal, look at your schedule and let me know what works for you. I told her that, I would make anytime that worked for her, work for me. If it needed to be during the day, I would keep the kids home from school and bring them to her. She ended up texting me back later last night, that she is "honestly too busy to take pictures of the kids." I'm pretty upset. I'm a busy working mom with 4 small children and have never been too busy to help out any of my friends/siblings, especially if it could be done on my own timeframe. I don't know if I should be mad, but I am and I'm not sure what to do. I feel like family is so important to myself and my brothers, that if she can't take a few hours out of her "busy" life to snap a few pics of the kids, then she doesn't fit in. If this was a new girlfriend, it would be different. This is someone that has been in the picture for 7 years. I talked to DH about it and he said, if you talk to your brother, she will end up doing the pics. I do want to bring it up with my brother, so he knows, but I don't want her taking pics because my brother told her she had to. Also, not one of my strong points, but I'm a scorpio and tend to hold grudges She is supposed to be coming to our house for Christmas eve and sleeping over to spend Christmas morning/day with us and I'm kind of dreading it now. Would love to hear some persepctives on this as maybe I'm way off base with how I feel.

[luli13]

I would call her and say, " how can I make it easier for you to work it in to your schedule? Bring the kids to you, get the pics done in your free time, etc. We were counting on you to take the pictures, as you do every year, for Christmas cards." I'm thinking with limited, early-morning brain but something along these lines. I would be really disappointed too.

I really think you need to come to a positive conclusion before Christmas if she will be spending the night with you so that things aren't uncomfortable and weird.

[MamaMolly]

Can you clarify if she's been doing the photos for free? If so I think it might be an issue of having to see it as a business transaction instead of a friendly favor.

While she was in school I think it would be a great arrangement for you to get free photos and she gets free models. But if she is now in business for herself she's got paying customers as models, and that's where it gets sticky. She's loosing money if she works for you for free and has to turn away a paying client. I imagine she has a hard time actually coming out and saying it, so she's probably hoping you'll get it by saying she doesn't have time to do you a favor.

Take the high road and offer to compensate her for her work.

[TwinFoxes]

This is how I see it. She should have given you more notice that she couldn't do Sunday. I have a feeling she maybe has been wanting to tell you for a couple of years she doesn't want to do free pictures for you any more (I'm assuming they're free?) At this point in her career a free session is money out of her pocket and time out of her schedule in what has to be the busy season. Maybe she's one of those "doesn't like confrontation" people so she didn't tell you, and thought you would get the hint when she canceled. (Which is lame IMO).

As for being mad, what do you hope to accomplish? Even if you think she doesn't fit in, your brother is a grown man, I assume she fits in with him. This is the way families get into years long fights with him drifting away. I think you should try to move forward without holding a grudge.

[anonomom]

This is how I see it. She should have given you more notice that she couldn't do Sunday. I have a feeling she maybe has been wanting to tell you for a couple of years she doesn't want to do free pictures for you any more (I'm assuming they're free?) At this point in her career a free session is money out of her pocket and time out of her schedule in what has to be the busy season. Maybe she's one of those "doesn't like confrontation" people so she didn't tell you, and thought you would get the hint when she canceled. (Which is lame IMO).

As for being mad, what do you hope to accomplish? Even if you think she doesn't fit in, your brother is a grown man, I assume she fits in with him. This is the way families get into years long fights with him drifting away. I think you should try to move forward without holding a grudge.

:yeahthat: I can understand why you'd be disappointed. But I don't think I'd push it beyond maybe going to her and saying "I know you're busy and I appreciate that you've taken the kids' photos for us in the past. Can I make an appointment as a paying customer this year?"

[hillview]

I'd be upset and a little mad. I'd also let it go and find someone else to do the photographs and really really let it go.

[AJP]

:yeahthat: I can understand why you'd be disappointed. But I don't think I'd push it beyond maybe going to her and saying "I know you're busy and I appreciate that you've taken the kids' photos for us in the past. Can I make an appointment as a paying customer this year?"

This! Maybe tell her that you'd rather pay her for her time over a stranger. I imagine she knows your kids well enough that they feel comfortable with her as the photographer.

[wellyes]

It was childish of her not to tell you in a more upfront way, and sooner. I'd be frustrated about that.

Personally I'd be annoyed if she was "too busy" to do it until I paid. I wouldn't MIND paying if that's what it takes, but that's not what she said. It's all awkward now. I would find a different photographer.

Do try to be the bigger person. Vent to your husband, and IF it comes up in conversation tell her honestly that you were counting on her and she should have been more upfront. But don't hold a grudge. The holidays are coming up.

[WatchingThemGrow]

I'd let her know how much you appreciate her having done it in the past and that you really do like having the family connection for your pictures/memories. Ask her if she would be willing to shoot the pictures for the same fee as she'd be charging someone else, then you can just amortize the cost of this year's shoot over all the previous years. Really, it's a huge favor and this is a really busy season for photographers. I'd give her the chance to earn your money, just as you'd be paying elsewhere, and then you can decide to go a cheaper route next year. If she really doesn't have the time, you can book something like Portrait Innovations for not a ton of money. It would be a bonus if she says she'll do it for $$ but give you a family discount.

[waitingforgrace]

If it were me I would ask my brother if the GF was too busy because she really wants me to pay. For me that would be the best way to find out what's really going on. I wouldn't ask him to do anything about it. If he said she just needs to get paid then I'd offer to pay GF to take the pics. If he says something else came up for her (paying client, other family obligations, etc) I'd be frustrated but I'd make other arrangements and let it go. This is not worth holding a grudge over.

[gatorsmom]

I agree this sucks now just before the holidays not having a photographer. But who really knows what is going on? Maybe she and BIL are having financial problems, maybe they are saving for a new house, etc. Since you get along with her usually, I'd try to give her the benefit of the doubt (I know it's hard). IIWY, I'd call her or text her and ask her for the names of some other good photographers who might be available at this late date. She's bound to know some other photographers so it's a fair question and this let's her know in a nice way that you are not pleased and she's inconvenienced you. It also gives her another chance to explain herself. That might help you understnad her reasoning and move on from your grudge.

Of course, if you hang any of these portraits around the house she will always have to look at the one she didn't do when she comes to your house to visit.

[cvanbrunt]

Well, how you feel about it is how you feel about it. I agree that she should have given more notice that she couldn't do it. If it is a matter of her wanting to be paid for her services (which I think is reasonable) she should be professional and up front about it. That said, I think being angry at her and holding a grudge will make you look petty. She's done this for you in the past but it doesn't obligate her to do it again. You've come to expect it, and I understand why, but she certainly doesn't owe it to you. If she is still okay with doing the work as a favor, perhaps you can schedule outside of the busy season.

[crl]

I'd be upset about the late notice. That's rude and does put you in a difficult position trying to schedule a photographer at such a late date.

But, as a general matter, I don't think she is obligated to do this for you for free. That's like my SIL who thought my dh (her brother) was obligated to come and help her with stuff on her house when I was hiring a handyman to do the same stuff on ours because dh had no time to do that stuff. People can legitimately be too busy to do favors for family and it doesn't make them bad people or bad family members.

I would just let it go and either find another photographer or take some snap shots myself this year. I don't think there is anything to be accomplished by trying to manipulate her into doing this favor for you through your brother. Even if she does it then, she will be pissed that you didn't respect her decision not to do it. And your brother will have been put in a very awkward position. And you will still be upset that she didn't just do it in the first place. What good comes of all that? You get your pictures at the cost of further straining the relationships that are so important to you.

Catherine

[nrp]

I'd be upset about the late notice. That's rude and does put you in a difficult position trying to schedule a photographer at such a late date.

But, as a general matter, I don't think she is obligated to do this for you for free.


IIWY, I'd call her or text her and ask her for the names of some other good photographers who might be available at this late date. She's bound to know some other photographers so it's a fair question and this let's her know in a nice way that you are not pleased and she's inconvenienced you. It also gives her another chance to explain herself. That might help you understnad her reasoning and move on from your grudge.

Of course, if you hang any of these portraits around the house she will always have to look at the one she didn't do when she comes to your house to visit.

:yeahthat:

I would be most annoyed that she cancelled so late in the season, when it may be difficult to find another photographer. So, I would probably do what gatorsmom suggested and ask for some names of some other photographers who might be able to do it on such short notice. It lets you get your voice your disappointment in a mild way without hopefully burning any bridges and focuses on her flakiness in canceling at the last minute rather than any obligation you think she may have to take the pictures for you for free.

[jjjo1112]

Thanks for putting things into perspective. I will find someone else to do it. I guess there are a few things that made me angry-
-we were together this past Sunday with my DH and my brother, Sunday out for the day(all day), no kids, lunch, drinks, celebrating for our birthdays. She totally could have mentioned anything at that time. We actually talked about where, what the kids were going to wear, etc- so there was no inclination that she was overscheduled, etc.
-as far as payment- she does do it for free- no prints but taking the pictures, editing and putting them on a CD.
I'm not sure I would pay her- as a family, we always help each other out- we have helped them out with making resumes, moving help, borrowing things, hosting holidays, they stay at our house a ton during the summer because we are a mile from the beach, etc. It just wouldn't occur to me to pay her for the couple hours total that it would take her to shoot/edit the pictures once a year. I have always given her a gift card or taken them out to dinner for their time. That is like saying as a nurse, I should ask for payment when family members(including them) call for advice on health issues, etc. I'm super busy- working and with 4 small children and have never not been able to make time for something one of my brother/their GF's have needed.
-the way she did it- their was no apology in the text, no "sorry for the late notice", no explanation "I'm swamped with editing, etc." I would never expect her to put my pictures over someone that is paying - but she could have said- "I have so much editing to do that I won't be able to get your editing done before the holidays, do you still want me to take them?"
I will heed the advice and just let it go, but it's hard :)

[Clarity]

-we were together this past Sunday with my DH and my brother, Sunday out for the day(all day), no kids, lunch, drinks, celebrating for our birthdays. She totally could have mentioned anything at that time. We actually talked about where, what the kids were going to wear, etc- so there was no inclination that she was overscheduled, etc.

This strikes me as odd. Perhaps there's something going on that you don't know about yet? Maybe relationship issues? Maybe personal ones? I'd be patient with this until I knew more.

[minnie-zb]

It is taking her more than a couple of hours to take the photos and edit them.

[jjjo1112]

It is taking her more than a couple of hours to take the photos and edit them.
The photoshoot never takes more than 30-45 minutes, my kids are little and don't last longer than that. I get a CD with 10 edited images- there is no way it takes longer than 4-5 hours total. I have been with her when she edited before as she does a lot of shoots at the beach when they stay with us on weekends in the summer.