Can't afford to live where our families live

[kaitlyns.mom]

I suppose this qualifies as a BP as well... But maybe some of you can relate and share.

DH and I live in Orange County in CA. Frankly, we shouldn't. I am very careful with our money and we are debt free and have lived on a single income for five years, which is pretty amazing because DH doesn't make as much as most people in our situation here do. So we are proud of that. However, we rent (not by choice, but necessity). We don't contribute to his 401K. In my dream world we would buy a smallish house in a good neighborhood and be socking away savings like crazy for emergencies, retirement, college... Here we are barely breaking even and can't save enough for a down payment. I feel like we will never be able to "get ahead" in terms of savings.

Both of our families live in CA, within 1 1/2 to 4 hours away. We have talked about moving closer to his family, but frankly, it won't make a difference in our income (unless it goes down due to the job market there). Their city is extremely expensive as well.

I am frustrated because I'm not in love with CA. I could see us moving to the midwest, or frankly anywhere where a house can be bought for under $200K. I've done some research and identified places where DH's salary would be the same but housing is significantly cheaper. I cannot imagine what that would do for our family's future. But we will end up staying here because this is where our extended families are. Even though we can't truly afford it.

Anyone else in the same boat?

[wellyes]

If you don't love it and don't have family there and don't have to work there to make money, why are you still there?

[moonsky]

The OC is the prime area. The housing price has gone down a bit but not much.

Do you spend time a lot with your family? Do they help you taking care of your kids? If not, living somewhere else where you love, with good schools, and more affordable might be a better choice IMO.

[rlu]

We made the move from CA to TX, same salary, bigger house, better COL but once DS was born we moved back home to be with our family. We're physically closer to our family than you are though. We can't afford to live here, but we're making do because we do want to live in CA and we want to be near our family. Not the same situation as you. Good luck!

[kaitlyns.mom]

If you don't love it and don't have family there and don't have to work there to make money, why are you still there?

We're here because we live right in between our two families - mine are 40-75 miles south, and his are 200 miles north. So it feels like we do have family here - or at least within driving distance. DH thinks we should have the family support and move even closer to one of our families, but doing that will not get us anywhere financially.

[kaitlyns.mom]

The OC is the prime area. The housing price has gone down a bit but not much.

Do you spend time a lot with your family? Do they help you taking care of your kids? If not, living somewhere else where you love, with good schools, and more affordable might be a better choice IMO.

We see my family once a month or so. They could help a bit with the kids if we moved there but they all work full time. DH's parents could help more, and that is what we are leaning toward, but they are in SLO and it is just so expensive.


We made the move from CA to TX, same salary, bigger house, better COL but once DS was born we moved back home to be with our family. We're physically closer to our family than you are though. We can't afford to live here, but we're making due because we do want to live in CA and we want to be near our family. Not the same situation as you. Good luck!

Thanks. :) I can understand making the move back if you are physically closer. Maybe that is what is holding me back - we are close enough to visit but not close enough to help each other out, and if we were I might feel more attached to CA.

So basically our options are staying put in OC, moving to SD, or moving to SLO - and I think all three are on the most expensive places to live list.

[crl]

I would move to someplace that makes more sense financially.

Catherine

[ha98ed14]

If you don't love it and don't have family there and don't have to work there to make money, why are you still there?

I agree.

I live in OC, too, and I hear you! DH is a teacher and my work (contract) has turned out to be very part time with paychecks that are SLOW in coming. That said: 1.5 and 4 hours away are not "stop by for dinner" distances. Are you here b/c it's close to DH's job? I'd have him start looking for another one in one of those cheaper place you've identified. You could look at AZ or NV if you want to stay in the Southwest. We know people who just moved to NV for very similar reasons: She's a SAHM to 2 girls and he is in restaurant management. They lived in an rented condo in Laguna and it was bankrupting them. NV ain't glamorous, but you'd still be within driving distance.

If you're really open to the midwest, I'd encourage you to check out Columbus, OH. It's a really nice city with a lot of economic opportunity. There is every kind of housing, neighborhood, and suburb you can think of; good schools, and there is a surprising level of culture in the city.

OC is nice if you have enough money to live in the hills or down by the water. The middle of the road is kinda meh for what you can get for your money. But it could always be worse: you could be living in a 2 bedroom apartment with your DH and 2 DC and his brother & wife plus their 3 kids. Take a drive through Buena Park or Anaheim and you'll see it.

[rlu]

MIL lives in SLO county and generally likes it as slower paced (pun intended) and lower COL than the Bay Area where she and FIL lived previously. She'd rather be closer to us in the Bay Area but SIL lives in Carmel and we try to visit once a month so she still has her family around. I don't have a clue about the housing market in SLO but as you realize it won't be under $200k. It was affordable when she moved there in 2000 (given they sold a Bay Area house).

I've been thinking about this, DS has an assignment to write about and give an oral presentation on a family treasure and we've been stumped as we don't have physical items that have been passed along the generations. However, our family has always been close (and to get gushy, is our family treasure). My dad's family all lived within 3 hours of each other and my mom's family live within 30 minutes of each other. Of the 9 cousins on my mom's side 7 of us live within 1 hour of each other (and the aunts) while one of the other two followed his animation dream to SoCal and the other where her job took her. While MIL is 2.5 hrs away, my folks and sister are 15 minutes away and have always been present in DS's life. Because we do all generally get along, having family near us has been an overriding consideration.

I hope you find something that works out for you.

[hellokitty]

OP- How close are you to your family. I'm not talking about distance, but your relationship? We are also in the middle geographically btwn our parents. They are one hr north and south of us. DH is actually on the lookout for other jobs right now. However, our problem is our COL is already pretty low, so we aren't really willing to move somewhere with a much higher COL. We are not that close to our families. You'd think that since they were only an hr away, we would see them pretty often. I feel like we see them about as often as our siblings do, who all live OOS. So, unless you are emotionally very close to your family, I think that you are trying to be practical. Moving somewhere with a lower COL where you can buy a home, save $ and also feel more at ease financially sounds like a sound decision to me.

[lhafer]

Another way to look at it is this:

If you moved to a location you really wanted to be that was a much lower COL, and were able to save up for retirement, etc...you would also be able to spend more money on trips to see your family. So it's not really like you would see them less than you do now.

And you would be happier with where you were - which I find extremely important. We live 4-5 hours from our family. Texas is very spread out, so we don't see them much. Major holidays mostly. We can't move closer to our family because there just isn't the line of work my DH does there. Besides our families work full time. So we wouldn't see them much anyway.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Another way to look at it is this:

If you moved to a location you really wanted to be that was a much lower COL, and were able to save up for retirement, etc...you would also be able to spend more money on trips to see your family. So it's not really like you would see them less than you do now.

And you would be happier with where you were - which I find extremely important. We live 4-5 hours from our family. Texas is very spread out, so we don't see them much. Major holidays mostly. We can't move closer to our family because there just isn't the line of work my DH does there. Besides our families work full time. So we wouldn't see them much anyway.

:yeahthat: I totally agree and this pretty much describes us to a T. So many good points and this is why we moved from CA to TX (also 5 hrs from DH's family).

My parents live in SF Bay Area (that is where I grew up). While I love it, It costs an arm & leg to live there, and we would both have to work FT for sure to make it work. Housing is pricey, childcare is also ridiculously expensive so basically we would both be working just to pay our mortgage, childcare and there would be very little left for anything else. It seemed very frustrating given both DH & I have PhDs in engineering and worked our tails off in grad school...the payoff just seemed so small compared to what you can get elsewhere IMO.

We did work in Los Angeles (Manhattan Beach area) for about a year too and similar situation there. The other thing is that the CA schools near the cities are often not that great (at least where we were), so private school is yet another expense we had to consider. IMO the main advantages being in CA is that it's gorgeous, nice weather, and it is very diverse and people are very open-minded there, and for us it was close to my family at least.

That being said we decided to move to TX, mostly due to the COL, and being within driving distance (5-6 hrs) to most of all DH's extended family. As lhafer said, it seemed pointless for us to stay where we were just to be close to family, given 1) both my parents still work (and DH & I would both have to work FT) 2) our quality of life would be diminished greatly by living in a small place we could barely afford, and dealing with rotten commutes that Bay Area/LA is notorious for and 3) BOTH of us would have to work for sure and i didn't want the added stress of worrying about a potential job loss. Plus, even if we lived close to my parents we would still have to take time and spend money travel to visit DH's family in TX. Oh, and we would probably live about an 1-2 hrs from family anyway, so not like they could come help on a regular basis.

I think the only way I would have chosen to stay in very HCOL area would be it if at least one grandparent was retired AND in good health, and lived close enough (30 minutes or less) and willing to help with childcare or something...that way the kid gets best of both worlds (being taken care of by loving family member) and we would save majorly in childcare costs. But that wasn't the case for us at all. With DH's family he lives in very LCOL area but the jobs just aren't there in our fields where his family lives.

Anyway, where we live now it is night and day compared to before. Our mortgage is less than half of the rent we paid for our LA apartment that was 1/3 the size! I was able to SAH for 3 years bc I had a hard time finding a job that I really wanted. Now that I will be working we will have much more $$ to spend on visiting to see my parents. And we will have more $$ to hire help (housekeeper, babysitter, personal chef services), so despite not having family around it will be MUCH easier to have help with the house/kids whenever we are swamped at work, etc. And If later on DH or I ever lost our jobs we would do just fine on one income for several months/years. The only downside is that where we live it's not that diverse, and the weather sucks in the summer, which lasts about 6 months.

[kaitlyns.mom]

Thanks for the input! Lots of factors to consider here. I talked to DH about it more last night and I'm sure we will continue thinking about it for quite a while. He is starting to get excited about the idea of decreasing our expenses though and brought up Boise as a possibility... so we will see where this conversation takes us. :)

[maestramommy]

Your situation somewhat describes why we left L.A. We were living in the South Bay, in Torrance. Renting a roomy 2 bdrm apt and starting to feel the squeeze when DD2 was born. We had looked at houses before we got married, but got priced out in a month (yeah in 2002). My parents and my sister's family live in the eastern San Gabriel valley, about an hour away, and I would see them about once a week, which was great.

dh and I had always talked about moving east when the kids started school, but with DD2 coming sooner than anticipated we decided to just leave then instead of trying to find a bigger apt. So we left, and landed in NH in 2008. JUST BEFORE the meltdown. It was a very stressful year, but we are so glad we left when we did. There is no way Dh would be able to find a job with a company now, that would move us.

I miss my parents, but we fly them out here once a year for a long visit. We live about an hour or less from Dh's extended family, and we now get to see the ILs maybe twice a year, instead of just once.

My mom still gripes a little about us moving so far away, but she is old, and much prefers the mild weather and conveniences of SoCal, which I totally understand. However, for us it was just not possible to access a decent house in a really good school district in SoCal, and that was our top priority. The house we live in now would be out of our price range by a factor of 2 in SoCal, in a so-so district. Even with Dh taking a paycut we have come out ahead.

[AnnieW625]

Thanks for the input! Lots of factors to consider here. I talked to DH about it more last night and I'm sure we will continue thinking about it for quite a while. He is starting to get excited about the idea of decreasing our expenses though and brought up Boise as a possibility... so we will see where this conversation takes us. :)

Sorry I didn't get to this post yesterday, but I really think that the Central Coast is still much more reasonably priced than the OC, although there aren't too many places in CA where you can find a good house in a great neighborhood for under $200K. That was even hard before the 1998-2007 real estate boom.

DH's cousin moved from Riverside to Mountain Home, ID, which is near Boise. She absolutely loves it. She is a single mom to an 18 yr. old son, and they moved when he was 15 or just 16. She misses her parents a lot, but she is soo darn happy she moved, and it was great for her son as well. Her parents bought my ILs old RV and they go up to see her a few times a year. It is a two day drive probably by car, but I don't think it is undoable.

If you are hell bent on staying in California I might look at the Sacramento Valley, it is much more reasonably priced than the OC and it is just about 5 hours to SLO. It is 9 hrs. to San Diego, but again a very easy drive to do in a day. If we could we would probably move back there as well.

Good luck!

[Tondi G]

In a similar place. We live in So Cal ... but our family is all VERY close. My mom watches our boys weekly and we have never paid for childcare ... ever! Between family and friends and neighbors we are very lucky! We rent an apartment close to the neighborhoods DH and I grew up in ... there is NO way we would ever make enough to buy a home here. It is depressing. We have talked about moving and while it seems like a great idea to save money and be able to buy a home etc. Moving away from both grandmas and my sister is the main reason we stay.... how do you take your kids away from family that they see on a very regular basis? My Mom would be VERY upset! So here we stay. We are crossing fingers that in another year things might change drastically for my DH and his income will increase quite a bit. It would be amazing to actually be able to have a savings account!

Good Luck making a decision.