How long do you anticipate your (grown) kids to live with you?

[joonbug]

There have been a couple interesting threads about adult kids living still at home with the parents. I'm interested in hearing what your intake might be in this subject, would it be different if the person in question was your child instead of a stepchild, a brother/sister etc? How was it in your own/SO's situation?
I stayed in my parents home (actually, just mom, they had divorced many years prior) till I was 22. I graduated college with a diploma and moved out and went to conquer the world right after. That was back in Europe where it's pretty common to live with the parents will late 20's or 30's even. I know people who held FT jobs, dated, had their own life but still lived with parents till they got married (my best friend who's in mid 30's just moved back in with her mom but she's had some bad guy situation). I can't imagine coming back 'to the nest' when you're an adult. I had a brief period of time when I moved back in a year after I left but was out permanently 3 months later... My brother lived with mom till he got married.. At 27-28.
DH moved out right after high school (joined military), same his older sister. his two (much) younger brothers, much different story. One got married and moved out only then (he was 34-35 at the time?), the youngest still lives there (he's 35 and doesn't look like he's settling down anytime soon).
DH's son lives with us. He's 20, has a FT job now, but mentally, he's still a teenager.. Took a year off after high school, basically sat at home all days for a year playing video games and watching TV. DH got him a job finally and pushed him out of the house. But there are no signs of him trying to get more independent, which kind of blows my mind. Would I think differently if the daughter was the same way in 15+ years? Honestly, I don't know.. I know for sure that I'll teach her independence and hope she'll have the hunger for getting know the world and will want to be on her own. Will go to college, experience all the fun stuff the youth has to offer... With DSS, well, I dont really care.. (he moved in with us when he was 16 and there were MANY issues, still are some that bug me to high heaven. But that's more for a BP ;)).
When is the magic line when young people should try to live on their own?

[elliput]

When is the magic line when young people should try to live on their own?
When it makes sense economically. I think many of the socio-economic problems facing our nation are due to expecting independence before financial stability.

[larig]

When it makes sense economically. I think many of the socio-economic problems facing our nation are due to expecting independence before financial stability.
:yeahthat:

I am an amateur genealogist, and multi-generation homes were so common for such a big part of our country's past. I think there are huge benefits to these arrangements. DS will always have a place in our home. I know I always will have a place in my own parents' home, and they in mine. Sometimes, ETA: I would argue that (ETA2, for my family) it would go beyond what makes economic sense, but sometimes we need support for physical ailments, or emotional issues.

[DualvansMommy]

I'm always fascinated with this topic, as I'm from Europe where it was common for kids to live with parents, leading their lives till getting married or financial security to buy their first home. I, was the exception, moved out of home for college overseas which led me being here Stateside 18 years later.

Due to my choices & not having the family local support, I gained some debt from graduate school & living expenses while living in Boston. DH was the exception for American standards, as he moved back home to his parents new retirement home after undergrad, living in their finished basement while working and putting himself through grad school, he didn't pay rent. Only was asked to help out around the house & landscaping, that support enabled him to buy 2 bedroom/2 bath condo in NJ with 25 % down payment, just before his 30th birthday. Almost unheard of in NJ, one of the highest COL, in fact many of his new neighbors were living n same setup condo, raising a family with one or 2 kids cuz housing is so expensive here!

DH said he would have moved out long before, if he didn't have that basement set up with its own entrance. It helped him to have a sense of privacy, his younger brother lived in one of the bigger bedrooms after college/grad school till he got married at 28.

[kijip]

I don't know but as long as they are not obnoxious and working or schooling and moving forwards in life, able-bodied adult kids would have a spot in my home. That said, working PT and paying for my first apartment was a key part of growing up for me so I see the value in young people living on their own.

[sntm]

I don't know but as long as they are not obnoxious and working or schooling and moving forwards in life, able-bodied adult kids would have a spot in my home.

Agree w this. If they are not using staying at home as an excuse to be a slacker, I have no problem with it. Somewhat related, I actually am considering encouraging a gap year of living at home but working and volunteering before college to help with maturity and make settling down easier.

[belovedgandp]

DH and I discuss this regularly. Our neighbors across the street had (until a few months ago) three adult children living at home. They were essentially 20 years older than ours (about 23, 26, and 29 I think). As neighbors the five vehicles in our cul-de-sac were annoying. But we'd look at each other and say no way will that be us in 20 years.

My parents joked that they had a one year free rent policy once you graduated from high school. I think we'll be close to that. If progressing towards something and contributing to the household it could be some cheap rent.

[queenmama]

I don't know but as long as they are not obnoxious and working or schooling and moving forwards in life, able-bodied adult kids would have a spot in my home.

I feel the same.

Both DH and I lived in our parents' homes until we were married. And I'm okay with our kids doing the same as long as they're contributing in some way and working towards their futures.

(Truth be told, I've always said I want DS to go to college and then move home forever. Only half joking. ;) )

Lara

[StantonHyde]

I will do what my mom did--subsidize my rent so I can live away from my parents. I didn't even live in the same state as my parents ever since I left for college. I was usually across the country so it's not like living at home was an option.

[lalasmama]

My final move-out was when I was 23 or so. On the other hand, SO was out of his parents house at 18--when his first dd was born.

Both of his daughters moved out at 18--one for college, one to live with her bf post-baby.

I imagine my dd is going to be the tough one to get out of our house, lol. She just likes things always being the same. I can see my dd being the one we have to tell to leave the nest.

All 3 DD's know they are welcome back in our home for short-term crises, but are not allowed to live with us long-term unless there is a "good" reason (ie, divorce, health issue, etc). We're trying to raise my dd as he raised his other two--that mom and dad wil always help, but refuse to enable.

[JustMe]

I agree with the general sentiment that I won't be kicking either of my kids out as long as they are not obnoxious and have a job/are in school, etc. I would also be happy to have them move out and hope just as strongly that they would be doing something positive. Have no idea how to predict how long that will be. Dd (9) says she is going to live with me forever. Ds (6) already has plans to move out, but promises he will call, visit, cook me spaghetti for dinner, and buy me a car.

[niccig]

I'm not sure. There's a part of me that will always have a home for DS, but another part that can see the value in being independent.

We have friends that have their 2 x 25-30 yr old kids still at home. Their son was living on his own and is now in between apartments. They expect him to move out again at some point, but he's in no hurry. Their DD to their own admission isn't really hustling to get work in her field and while she lives with them, there isn't much motivation to hustle either. She's talented in her field but not great at making and keeping networks. DH compares to his experience at same age here in LA - he had to hustle/network to get work to pay next month's rent. He still has many of those contacts 20 yrs later.

Add in parents of adult kids reaching retirement age and I do think adult kids with jobs, should at least be paying their own way if still living at home.

[gatorsmom]

My parents used to joke thwt they never wanted me to leave home. They said I couldn't leave until I was "42yo". 42 was the magic number. Lol. Of course once I was out, my parents commented how nice it was to have the house to themselves. They said it was like being newly weds again and they didn't want me back. :D.

I suspect I will feel the same but I'm haven't really thought about it much. It depends on their education and what they plan to do with their lives.

[snowbunnies300]

I expect DS1 to live with me until we place him in a residential home. At this time we do not know if that will be in his 20's or 30's. I am against holding out too long. I've heard too many instances of parents who are afraid of what will happen to their child when placed in a home that the parents keep them with them until they die or go into a nursing home themselves. At that point the adult child is placed in a home and it is very different, confusing and heartbreaking for all involved. The adult child is use to mom/dad living and not living with other people. They may act out or become very depressed.

DS2 I have high hopes he will be able to live on his own but time will only tell. DS3 I hope he can live on his own. He still at 5 1/2 is not talking (his older brother at 9 1/2 also doesn't talk).

For me the future is so very different from most of the posters on this board. I do not want to live in fear. I know that when I place my child(ren) in a residential home I am giving up control. Someone could hurt them and I may not know. They could be sexually abused and I wouldn't know as they can't talk. This could all happen while I am alive and monitoring the situation. When I am gone then I will have to rely on others to make certain my child(ren) are safe, taken care of and loved by those around them.

So for me the future is not clear at all. I could worry and worry and worry but it wouldn't get me anywhere. Whether or not my children live with me as adults isn't the issue. It's letting go of the fear of who will take care of my kids when I am no longer able.

[khalloc]

I moved out of my parents house when I was 18 to go to college. I came back the summer after my freshman year and again the summer after my junior year. The summer after my sophomore year I lived in the town I went to college in in an off-campus apartment. After I graduated (I didnt have a job yet), I lived with my boyfriend in his apartment. I got a job about 2.5 months later. I havent lived at home since. I was 22 at the time when I graduated.

I'd let my kids live at home with me as long as they needed to. But I would expect that they would be in-school full time (I prefer that they move away for college, like living on campus or in an apt on their own, even if I have to foot the bill). If they were done college I would still let them live at home providing that they were working and saving money. I dont want my kids living at home if they just staying up late at night and waking up late the next day and not DOING anything. They should have a job and responsibilities.

[smilequeen]

Until they go off to college and only during the summers after that, unless the circumstances are dire.

I want my kids to go off to college, that's normal to me. I want them in the dorms, forced to take care of their basic needs. I'd prefer they go away for college as well. I stayed in town for undergrad...great school, I lived in the dorms, but I should have gone away. It would have been better for me and I transferred after a year. I never lived with my parents again except during summers, and even then after my junior year of college I stayed at school year round.

DH lived at home during undergrad and it was not good for him. He got to grad school so sheltered and so unable to take care of himself. The guy I met my first day of grad school was SUCH a different person than the guy he was 3 years later (when we started dating). He should have gotten away so much earlier. His culture is more to keep the kids at home until they marry though. His brother lived with his parents until he was married, at 33.

[sste]

DH and I both have colleagues in this situation and I would sound some words of caution. Maybe we are just hearing from the complainers . . . but this is a tough situation. I think it works better in Europe because they know how to drink, drive alot less, and are generally more comfortable with premarital sex.

Our colleagues say they are literally up at night! Imagine having a young adult in your house who can now drink, drive, come home at 3am and not call you. Well, that is all fairly reasonable for where the young adult is in life (it would seem odd to have them call their parents at age 26 or whatnot). But, the parents are genuinely worried when their kids come home late or don't come home at all. Esp since drinking is a fairly common part of the 20s social life for many people. And that is just the beginning of the issues we have heard about . . .

[megs4413]

I moved out at 18. Occasionally I crashed on my moms couch during school breaks in college, but I got married at 21. My DH was 20 when we married.

I hope our kids will stay until they can stably support themselves. However, I also hope that they will be stable and ready to be on their own in their early 20s.

[hillview]

DH left right after hs and never lived home again. I never had an apartment right after college. My parents would on occasion give me $100 here and there but I had NO interest in living with them.

For DSs it will depend on a lot of things. What the economy is doing, DH will be 60+ so I am not sure what we will be doing but if it seemed like the right thing to do I can't imagine not allowing my sons to live with us after college for a period of time.

[boolady]

I don't know but as long as they are not obnoxious and working or schooling and moving forwards in life, able-bodied adult kids would have a spot in my home. That said, working PT and paying for my first apartment was a key part of growing up for me so I see the value in young people living on their own.


I'm not sure. There's a part of me that will always have a home for DS, but another part that can see the value in being independent.

This is how I feel. I can't see when, if DD was a responsible adult, there wouldn't be a place for with DH and me; however, I think it's incredibly important to learn how to live independently and responsibly.

And I'm not worried about what would happen if she lived with us as an adult-- quite frankly, if she chooses to do that, she'll have to accept that it's our home, and she owes us the courtesy of letting us know when she'll be home/not be home, etc. I don't think it would be odd if DD was 25 and living with us for her to let us know whether she'll be home or not. We would let her know whether we'll be home or not, LOL. She chooses to live with us, she'll live by our rules, which include a respect for her relationship with us and our mutual home. She doesn't like them, she can move out. Although I was really only home after college for about 3 months, this was how my parents handled it through and after college for my sisters and myself. It never created a problem. A simple text saying, "I'll be home later," or "I'm going to crash at so-and-so's house, see you in the morning," isn't unduly burdensome.

[lizzywednesday]

I'd welcome my children into my home after college so long as they were actively working or trying to find work. It could be as little time as a few months (I've stayed at my dad's a total of 6 months since college) to a year or two, depending on their goals & needs at the time.

If they were employed, I would also expect that they pay rent, even if it's as little as $100/month, which I would put into a savings account for them, and their own expenses - cell phone, car insurance, etc.

I would also expect them to help out around the house.

Maybe I have high expectations, but my dad didn't and he complained constantly about my brother Joe until Joe moved out a few months ago.

[ilfaith]

I moved back in with my parents for a year and a half after I graduated from college. The plan was to build a bit of a financial cushion before moving into the city. We were in a high COL area (working in Manhattan, living in NJ).

DH moved back in with his folks for about a year in his mid 20s when his job transferred him to a location about fifteen minutes from his parents' home.

I would have no problem with the boys moving back temporarily...for a year or two. I don't want them to be in their mid-30s, hanging around on the living room couch watching Jerry Springer in the middle of the afternoon.