Is this acceptable? (family drama)

[fivi2]

My sister and I live in the same town, our mother does not. We both have a bad relationship with her, but have tried to let her have a relationship with our kids. She is very needy and can be a mean and nasty person.

I live in a tiny 2/1. We are also trying to pack up and prepare to move out for a big remodel. My sister is divorced and lives in a 3 bedroom apt, and is going through her own emotional drama at the moment. Her kids will be at their dad's the first half of Christmas.

I do not allow my mother to stay at my house ever. She has always stayed at my sister's. My sister then gets mad at *me* for not telling our mother she can't stay at my sister's house. (?) Which, imo, is not my responsibility.

So, this year, my sister is claiming she will not let our mother stay with her, but has not told our mother yet. So our mother keeps asking me what the deal is.

Cutting through the dysfunctional background to the point - I want to offer to put my mom in a hotel for the week. (I will pay). She will likely cry and refuse to come, but my long winded question is:

From an outside perspective, is it horrible of me to even suggest putting my single (65 yo) mother in a hotel over Christmas? (a nice enough suite-type hotel, close to halfway between me and my sister, in a nice area, with an indoor pool the kids will have fun in over the break)

[gatorsmom]

I don't think that is a bad deal at all. The fact that you are moving out and your sister is having some issues makes it even a reasonable and generous idea for all involved. Heck, dh and I offer to stay in a hotel when we are visiting his paretns because sometimes staying with family is just not comfortable due to many factors. I think you are offering a kind solution in a tricky situation. Hugs to you.

[speo]

If that is what it will take for everyone to have a mostly sane Christmas, then I don't see the problem.

[maestramommy]

I think it is acceptable, given even the basic description you are giving us. Holidays are stressful enough without adding in family drama. You are paying for the hotel, and a nice one at that.

[DrSally]

If that is what it will take for everyone to have a mostly sane Christmas, then I don't see the problem.

:yeahthat:

[fivi2]

Thanks guys. I know she will react badly and I was just trying to get an idea of whether most people would be aghast "your own daughter put you in a hotel at Christmas!?!"

[jacksmomtobe]

I think you are being completely reasonable and generous. Just because someone is "family" does not mean you have to put up with toxic behavior. You are taking the high road by including her in your plans and having her stay elsewhere seems the best idea for keeping everyone sane and for reducing the stress. You offering to pay for a nice hotel is more than enough. You should not feel any guilt over this situation.

[wellyes]

When my parents visit, they stay in a hotel (they pay). We get along well with them. It's just the reality of a small house. Plus a little breathing room for everyone. It works out well.

You might want to offer to have her stay on the couch Christmas Eve so she doesn't miss the big morning.

[jacksmomtobe]

I think if people know the background of the situation or if they get in general how family relationships can be stressful over the holidays THEY will not think anything of your arrangement. Your Mother may make you feel like otherwise but that would be her not playing fair and her trying to use guilt to make you do what she wants but not reality.

[Simon]

I think that is fine. Knowing your own limitations and establishing compromises that respect your family boundaries is healthy for you, your Dh and the Dc. Her reactions are her own choice.

On the flip side we refuse to stay w/family at times and choose a hotel even though it is painful on our budget.

[hellokitty]

I think that it's nice that you're offering to pay for your mom to stay at a hotel. She may get upset about that, but if she drives everyone around her crazy, then I don't think it's unreasonable at all. As for the crying and stuff when you tell her about this arrangement, you have my sympathy. My mil would do the same thing and my parents would probably lash out and guilt us for not treating them like, "faaaaaamily." Ugh.

[AnnieW625]

If that is what it will take for everyone to have a mostly sane Christmas, then I don't see the problem.

:yeahthat:

[hillview]

We put MIL in a hotel. I think it is a great option.

[fivi2]

Well...

I just called (I move quickly). She started sobbing and said she'd think about it and hung up. Awesome. Nothing like starting the season off with a bang :)

I set clear boundaries on how long her trip should be (she always tries to stay for two plus weeks - I told her one week). I did my best to sell it as being good for her. I said she'd have her own space, she and my sister always fight, this way she'd have a place to retreat. She could come and go at her own pace (she always tries to sleep late). The girls will be in camp the second week so there is no point in her staying longer...

She just starting crying and that was it.

Families are super fun...

Thanks for the encouragement though, I do feel like it was the right idea.

[hellokitty]

Well, at least you braced yourself for it. I'm glad you stood your ground. It's hard not feeling guilty over family junk like this, but setting boundaries is so important when it comes to being able to cope with family members like that. Good job! I bet she will end up liking that she can sleep in, in peace. I know our houseguests can't sleep in, even if they want to, due to how loud my kids are.

[lhafer]

As someone who's BTDT with my own family - then I say that's just fine! You do what you have to do to stay sane.

[crl]

Totally reasonable. My brother and I have good relationships with our parents but at various times when they have visited us, they have stayed in hotels. No problem. And we have offered to stay in a hotel when we visit my parents at Christmas if it would make things easier on mom (some health issues there). They have not ever taken us up on that, but still, okay with us.

Catherine

ETA. I am sorry the conversation did not go well. I hope at least the feedback here makes you feel like you are being very reasonable.

[fivi2]

I definitely appreciate the feedback and encouragement. It made me more confident in my decision. So thanks to all of you!

[karstmama]

entirely reasonable! totally not cold or flaky or weird! she'll need to get over it...or not.

[Clarity]

We require my MIL to stay at a nearby inn when she visits our home. (She's single and stays in a hotel, even over Chanukkah.) I don't think that there's anything wrong with it, especially because you are paying for it. On the other hand, my MIL resents not being able to stay in our home and gave dh some flack about it last visit. I tune her out because if she wants to come visit, she'll stay in the hotel and if she doesn't want to stay in the hotel, she won't visit.

It really depends on how firm you are willing to be with your mother. Will you feel guilty if she complains? Which is the lessor of the two evils? Sharing your home during her visit or potentially listening to her complain about staying in a hotel?

[trcy]

I don't think that is a bad deal at all. The fact that you are moving out and your sister is having some issues makes it even a reasonable and generous idea for all involved. Heck, dh and I offer to stay in a hotel when we are visiting his paretns because sometimes staying with family is just not comfortable due to many factors. I think you are offering a kind solution in a tricky situation. Hugs to you. :yeahthat:


Well...

I just called (I move quickly). She started sobbing and said she'd think about it and hung up. Awesome. Nothing like starting the season off with a bang :)

I set clear boundaries on how long her trip should be (she always tries to stay for two plus weeks - I told her one week). I did my best to sell it as being good for her. I said she'd have her own space, she and my sister always fight, this way she'd have a place to retreat. She could come and go at her own pace (she always tries to sleep late). The girls will be in camp the second week so there is no point in her staying longer...

She just starting crying and that was it.

Families are super fun...

Thanks for the encouragement though, I do feel like it was the right idea.
Hopefully she gets over it soon :hug:

[alexsmommy]

Well...

I just called (I move quickly). She started sobbing and said she'd think about it and hung up. Awesome. Nothing like starting the season off with a bang :)

I set clear boundaries on how long her trip should be (she always tries to stay for two plus weeks - I told her one week). I did my best to sell it as being good for her. I said she'd have her own space, she and my sister always fight, this way she'd have a place to retreat. She could come and go at her own pace (she always tries to sleep late). The girls will be in camp the second week so there is no point in her staying longer...

She just starting crying and that was it.

Families are super fun...

Thanks for the encouragement though, I do feel like it was the right idea.

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries. No matter how badly it makes you feel to set clear, firm, respectful boundaries (you offered to pay for her hotel, you are being very resonable) you would feel worse if she came in and the boundaries weren't clear. She'd make you all miserable, which is not what you or your family need. She has a choice, own up to how she behaves and work hard on changing how she acts/treats you all, or deal with the boundary that her poor behavior and unkind words force you all to enforce.

Ahhh. Holiday time. Known in the therapy world as "busy season!"

You are totally doing the healthy appropriate thing.

[carolinamama]

I think it is perfectly acceptable. Boundaries are good for everyone to enjoy the holidays.

[SkyrMommy]

I think it is generous for you to offer to pay and given the situation it seems like a hotel is the most peaceful place for her to stay for everyone. Give her a chance to think it over and if she chooses not to come or make a big stink about it, stay firm for what is best for you and your family.

[mommy111]

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Heck, if I were your mom and you were moving and the other daughter was in divorce drama, I'd WANT to stay in a hotel!!!
However, (and I know I will get flamed for saying this), is it possible for her to stay over at your place even on a couch? Its Christmas....and I wouldn't want to break my mom's heart on Christmas no matter how hard it was on me

[mommyoftwo]

We have major issues with my dad and DH's mom. The only way to survive is to set strict boundaries STICK with them. If you waver at all they will just work that much harder to get you to cave. We never stay with our parents because it is just so miserable for everyone. When we first set boundaries with my dad it was terrible. He refused to believe we were serious and would argue with us incessantly. For example, there were certain things that I refused to talk to him about but he would bring it up anyway whenever he called. I would give him one warning and if he continued I would hang up on him. He was furious but eventually he realized we were serious and stopped trying.

I absolutely believe you are doing the right thing and you should stick to your guns. It's hard for people who haven't had to deal with such toxic relationships to understand how bad it is or why boundaries and personal space are so important. Honestly it's best for all parties involved (including your mom) even if your mom can't see or understand that right now. I hope you are able to sort things out before christmas. We had major family drama last year and it really put a damper on Christmas. Our mistake was not setting the ground rules ahead of time and then having to deal with the aftermath. If we had been more up front, it would probably have gone better.

[MontrealMum]

I know you've already told your mom, but I thought I'd chime in anyway. My mom always stays in a hotel when she visits us. So does my dad. Mostly, this is due to DS' having taken our "guest" room, but even if we moved to a bigger house we would all prefer to keep it this way. My mom likes her space, I find her toxic, and my dad likes to sleep in in his retirement (and not be intruded upon in the bathroom - but that's another post). Stay firm! This is your holiday, and your children's, as much as it is hers. Noone has the "right" to make others miserable just because they're family.

[fivi2]

Thanks again for all of the input! She still hasn't decided what she will do. She won't be staying at my house either way. (She won't sleep on the couch, which would mean her taking my bed and me and dh sleeping on an air mattress. In the middle of the living room where Santa sets up. Not going to happen). My sister usually caves and lets her stay there, while blaming me the whole time. I was trying to head that off. And I do think everyone will have a better time with her in a hotel.

I appreciate all of the support :)

[hellokitty]

Thanks again for all of the input! She still hasn't decided what she will do. She won't be staying at my house either way. (She won't sleep on the couch, which would mean her taking my bed and me and dh sleeping on an air mattress. In the middle of the living room where Santa sets up. Not going to happen). My sister usually caves and lets her stay there, while blaming me the whole time. I was trying to head that off. And I do think everyone will have a better time with her in a hotel.

I appreciate all of the support :)

Ugh, about the couch situation. My parents used to do something similar. In that our guests always got beds and my brothers and I would end up sleeping on the floor. Due to that experience, I've always made sure we never started that, so it would not become an expectation. Well, the good thing is that the ball is now on her court. If she decides not to come, then it's her choice. I'm glad that you stuck to your boundaries though and it does suck when a sibling builds up resentment by blaming you for it. BTDT.

[Mamabear4]

Just posted about my own family holiday drama and saw this, so I had to chime in. You are definitely doing the right thing - I know all about toxic relationships and there is no reason to ruin your entire holiday just because you are walking on eggshells trying to make sure the other person doesn't blow up. I agree that it's good you got a plan formulated early and communicated it. That's the hardest part - she now has a whole month to become comfortable with that plan. (and she'll probably b!tch and moan for that whole month, but will hopefully keep it to herself during the actual holiday).

Good luck!!!