Mentioning you took time to be SAHM in a job interview - WWYD?

[Minnifer]

Background: I'm a lawyer and lived and worked in the NYC metro area my whole life/career until last year when I finally decided to relocate to be closer to family (having wanted to for a while) and to combine the relocation with staying at home for a while after I had my 2nd kid (something I also wanted to try but as a single mom don't have a lot of options for doing this long-term, and the timing just seemed to make sense). I've been job searching for the past few months and the market for my kind of work in my new area isn't great. It's now been about 1 year since I left my last position.

I've always been taught that the less said about your personal life in an interview, the better, including making no mention of family/kids. The idea being you don't want it to affect how people think you will be able to do your job, etc etc. And obviously employers are prohibited from asking questions touching on this, so in the past when I've been on either side of the table, it rarely comes up.

So in job hunting now, when I've been asked in interviews about the move, I say that I relocated to be closer to family, which is true, b/c I feel like there has to be at least some logical explanation for such a big move, but I leave it at that - don't get into also having had my 2nd child and the time having seemed right to combine a move w/SAH for a while. However, I feel like it may seem implausible to prospective employers that someone would voluntarily leave a good job to relocate without having something lined up first, without the added detail of the kids/SAHM thing. Or even if so, that without the SAHM piece, the idea that I would still not have found something a year later when I have good credentials seems bad. I worry that it is making folks think I was fired or let go, or that I'm some kind of big flake, since this kind of jump is pretty counter to big conservative corporate culture.

I have an interview this afternoon and am wondering if I should start providing the additional detail, but obviously not volunteering much more than that - what do you think? Thoughts/ideas on how to handle this are much appreciated! :)

[truly scrumptious]

I agree that not mentioning anything about why you'd leave a good position without another lined up would be a red flag to a potential employer.
How about mentioning something like moving closer to family allowing you to stay home with a new baby for a little while, and so you could have a support system in place for working full time. That way you're mentioning it, but highlighting the fact that you'll be a reliable employee because you've lined up support to help with the kids?

[egoldber]

I also was taught/used to believe that you never mention kids in an interview.

But in both jobs I got, we ended up talking a fair bit about my taking time off to be a SAHM. In my case, I was out a lot longer, so I needed to explain a much larger gap. But I also realized that if someone was not going to hire me because I had kids or was going to make my life hard if I had kids, I would personally rather know that up front. Both places indicated, during the interview, that they understood about kids and family priorities which was important to me.

That being said, I was not in a place where I needed to find a job no matter what.

[maestramommy]

don't have any BTDT but a friend of mine who was a sahm for several years recently went back to work. She has been trying to get a job in her field (social work) but at every interview is treated like she has to defend being a sahm. She's starting to feel like it's a second class position, staying at home with the kids. I was flabbergasted because she's done so much during her years as a sahm that would add to the resume, but not all prospective employers look at it that way, even social work, go figure!

[fivi2]

Well, I was a sahm for 5 years so I had to account for the time. I wrote in my cover letter something about re -entering the workforce after taking time to care for family (or something like that) . And I discussed it in the interview. (But I was secretly hoping I wouldn't get the job, so that might not be the best approach.) I was applying for govt jobs, so it may not apply in your situation (but I am a lawyer) .

Eta : yeah that to what egoldber wrote. I wanted it to be clear my Dc were a priority. It worked out well but in some environments it could have gone badly.

[truly scrumptious]

I should have clarified that my company recently interviewed someone who didn't give a reason for leaving his last job without having another lined up. It set off all kinds of alarm bells, with folks wondering if this candidate HAD to leave said job for some reason - couldn't get along with his supervisor? asked to leave? etc.
That's why I'd still say you're better off mentioning it so that they can stop wondering.

[Minnifer]

I agree that not mentioning anything about why you'd leave a good position without another lined up would be a red flag to a potential employer.
How about mentioning something like moving closer to family allowing you to stay home with a new baby for a little while, and so you could have a support system in place for working full time. That way you're mentioning it, but highlighting the fact that you'll be a reliable employee because you've lined up support to help with the kids?
I like that, it's just not true for me unfortunately - real reason is I wanted my kids to be able to see my mom and brother more than 2-3x/year so they could have more of a relationship with them, but it's a one-way street b/c they don't provide any support in that way whatsoever. I guess I could still say that but worry it could later bite me in the butt, like if I ever have a childcare issue down the road.

egoldber - good point, but I fear that the reality is that most employers in my space (legal depts of large corporations) would rather not have to deal with people w/kids esp very young kids, when push comes to shove. But they're at least a bit more family friendly here than in NYC.

Guessing I will just have to be honest - I had been contemplating a relocation to be closer to family for a long time, and after having my 2nd child the time seemed right to combine that with taking some time to stay at home with my family, and now after a year I'm ready and excited to get back to work (um, yeah, right. ;) ).

[truly scrumptious]

I like that, it's just not true for me unfortunately - real reason is I wanted my kids to be able to see my mom and brother more than 2-3x/year so they could have more of a relationship with them, but it's a one-way street b/c they don't provide any support in that way whatsoever. I guess I could still say that but worry it could later bite me in the butt, like if I ever have a childcare issue down the road.

egoldber - good point, but I fear that the reality is that most employers in my space (legal depts of large corporations) would rather not have to deal with people w/kids esp very young kids, when push comes to shove. But they're at least a bit more family friendly here than in NYC.

Guessing I will just have to be honest - I had been contemplating a relocation to be closer to family for a long time, and after having my 2nd child the time seemed right to combine that with taking some time to stay at home with my family, and now after a year I'm ready and excited to get back to work (um, yeah, right. ;) ).

Based on this extra info, I would not say anything at all, then. Especially if having young kids might be held against you. I would rather just omit any mention, and stick to the original explanation - moved to be closer to family - and leave it at that.

[Minnifer]

Based on this extra info, I would not say anything at all, then. Especially if having young kids might be held against you. I would rather just omit any mention, and stick to the original explanation - moved to be closer to family - and leave it at that.
Really? I just feel like if they're thinking I'm some unfettered person, moving not that far away (NYC to Phila - sorry, thought I had this in my op but seemed to have left that out) to be closer to family w/out a job and then appearing to have had a year of not finding anything, seems like a red flag like you said. I guess a family member could be ill or something, or I could have just wanted time off, but I worry people think the worst.

[JElaineB]

Really? I just feel like if they're thinking I'm some unfettered person, moving not that far away (NYC to Phila - sorry, thought I had this in my op but seemed to have left that out) to be closer to family w/out a job and then appearing to have had a year of not finding anything, seems like a red flag like you said. I guess a family member could be ill or something, or I could have just wanted time off, but I worry people think the worst.

A compromise could be to say that you moved to be closer to family and decided to take some time off after the move, but you are ready to go back to work full-time now, leaving out any specific mention of having young kids.

[truly scrumptious]

Really? I just feel like if they're thinking I'm some unfettered person, moving not that far away (NYC to Phila - sorry, thought I had this in my op but seemed to have left that out) to be closer to family w/out a job and then appearing to have had a year of not finding anything, seems like a red flag like you said. I guess a family member could be ill or something, or I could have just wanted time off, but I worry people think the worst.

Well, the way I see it, there are two options:

1. Don't mention the kids, see if they accept your explanation about moving closer to family. Either they accept it, or you potentially set off a red flag, which, if they're interested in you, will make them dig deeper and find out you were a SAHM for a year, and now joining the workforce. At that point, I would still say you were moving to be closer to family support (no need to go into detail about what kind of support - emotional, childcare, whatever.) And I would deal with each child care situation as it arose.

2. Mention the kids up front (with all the family support story above) and automatically have a black mark set against your name.

If that is the case, then I'd pick option 1.
If option 2 is NOT an automatic black mark, then you need to weigh which might work against you more (potential red flag from option 1, or potential black mark from option 2.)

[Minnifer]

Well, the way I see it, there are two options:

1. Don't mention the kids, see if they accept your explanation about moving closer to family. Either they accept it, or you potentially set off a red flag, which, if they're interested in you, will make them dig deeper and find out you were a SAHM for a year, and now joining the workforce. At that point, I would still say you were moving to be closer to family support (no need to go into detail about what kind of support - emotional, childcare, whatever.) And I would deal with each child care situation as it arose.

2. Mention the kids up front (with all the family support story above) and automatically have a black mark set against your name.

If that is the case, then I'd pick option 1.
If option 2 is NOT an automatic black mark, then you need to weigh which might work against you more (potential red flag from option 1, or potential black mark from option 2.)

Thanks for your thoughts! I guess where I'm getting hung up is that in scenario 1, there doesn't seem to be a real driver/impetus to make the move w/out the kids point, which I think does raise a big red flag - i.e., why now would I make the jump and was there some big bad reason. My concern is that no one is going to dig deeper b/c they can't really ask much without treading into illegal territory themselves - like, it's a chicken and egg for both of us kind of circling around things. Thinking about how I'd respond if I were the interviewer, I might feel like the person was being cryptic and withholding something, or that they maybe did just make the big move but why were they so unemployable?

So maybe if I focus on the family support piece and that I took time to settle into the area... gah, I can't believe in this day and age we are still in this place!

[janeybwild]

I would say something like
"it was an incredibly hard decision to leave such a great company and great people, to move across company to an unknown work climate, but for family reasons it was the absolute right choice. But now I'm dealing with the reality of having to reenter the work force in a new state. I'm excited about the opportunities here.....blah blah blah" . I wouldn't mention what the family reasons were. Good luck!

[arivecchi]

I work in a large corporate department and no one would bat an eye at your explanation. It is much more family friendly than a law firm and they even provide back-up childcare. I would explain your hiatus as briefly as possible, but I would definitely address the gap.

[Minnifer]

I work in a large corporate department and no one would bat an eye at your explanation. It is much more family friendly than a law firm and they even provide back-up childcare. I would explain your hiatus as briefly as possible, but I would definitely address the gap.

I was hoping you would chime in since I think we're similarly situated:) . So, you'd explicitly mention the kid(s)? I do think put all together it makes sense (timing the move after dc and combining it w/staying at home and getting us settled in a new area) but my old boss, not to mention the GC at my old company, was so *not* family friendly that I think I'm a bit scarred.

[mom3boys]

I was never a full-time SAHM but have basically been getting a PhD part-time and taking care of the kids part-time. When I started my program my DS1 was almost 1 and now he is 6, and I've had 2 more children.

Anyway, I'm interviewing now and basically just been honest about why its taken so long to get my PhD (considering I already had a masters when I started). As in, I had kids during the program, and had to take some leave, and then do the program part-time. I feel like this is better than seeming lazy or something. I do try to avoid mentioning I have THREE kids unless someone explicitly asks. So people usually assume 1 or 2. I also tend to be more willing to be more upfront with a woman in her late 30's-40's then any man or a young woman, since they are more likely to be a working mother too. I also try to make it seem that childcare will not be a problem no matter what. (And I'm targeting family-friendly employers).

If you are interviewing at law firms being more open about having young kids may be tougher depending on their expectations for workload, whereas a corporation may be more understanding, so maybe base it on where you are interviewing. You can just say you moved for family reasons (that could be children, caring for sick relative, whatever) but I do worry about that being so vague they have concerns about reliability.

Recently I forgot to turn off my cell phone during in interview, and my son's school nurse called. So, that let the cat out of the bag there! Luckily the interviewer then informed me she had just come back from maternity leave. And I got a 2nd interview.

[mytwosons]

Since you are a woman, I think they might automatically wonder if you have kids. While it might not be their preference, I wouldn't think it would preclude you from getting the job.

If they think you are hiding the reason you left your old job, they won't make you an offer. I think that is the much bigger of the two concerns they might have about you, and you should be upfront and tell them you moved to be near your family. I would also tell them the timing worked out perfectly for you to stay home for a while with your new baby and now you are ready and excited to get back to work. Don't be apologetic at all about staying home, just matter of fact. If they have a big problem with the facts, is it really the type of place you want to work?

[arivecchi]

That stinks, but I would think you would not want to work for another company that is not family friendly right? I don't think you have to give too many details, but I think it is perfectly reasonable to say something like: I took some time off to move near family and stay home with my children to help them with the transition but I am now ready to re-enter the workforce.

My company places a lot of importance on work-life balance so I would look for a place like that. Good luck with your search and feel free to PM me anytime!

[erosenst]

I was in a similar-but-different position - was an MD at a money center bank, and left when I was pregnant. Went to a teeny tiny bank so I could live in same city as DH, and have a much better work / life balance. I worked 4 days a week.

After 3 years, we moved again, and I was totally upfront with what had happened. Was still in somewhat of a 'mommytrack' job (4 days a week, much lower level) but was honest when I interviewed.

Last stop is back to full time - and again was honest about what had transpired the 5 years prior (including PT). Wasn't an issue - especially since I had a skill set that not many have. (Thinking you're likely in similar position - were you in BigLaw in NYC? If so, you're very marketable as in-house.)

Net - I wouldn't want to work somewhere that didn't understand my priorities - and you can learn a lot by how they receive your answer.

Best of luck -

[karstmama]

well, they can't (legally) ask, of course, and you don't have to tell the whole unvarnished truth of everything you know, but i'd say tell an abbreviated truth in a matter-of-fact way. you're interviewing *them* for fit as well!