Best strategy for dealing with difficult family member (other than avoidance)?

[Reader]

I need strategies for dealing w/ MIL, whom we will be seeing for several days next month. My MIL doesn't like me, and that's ok. I try very hard to just make pleasant conversation and change the subject when asked about a tricky topic. What has historically happened is that I bite my tongue until I can take it no more, then I snap at her (which makes me difficult, in her opinion). I was thinking about putting a rubber band on my wrist and snapping it whenever I get the urge to snap. Her basic problem with me is everything we do with the kids, for example, homeschooling and my children's food allergies (she doesn't believe they have them & thinks I'm just being controlling.) No amount of rational information, articles, books, or expert opinions will convince her to change her mind, and I don't need her to change her mind. I just need her to enjoy being with her grandchildren and not let her get to me. I try to sit quietly with a book and be wallpaper but she seems to want to engage me in subjects on which she knows we do not agree.

How have you successfully dealt with a family member that is difficult?

[BabyBearsMom]

I smile and nod and play games in my head like "can I think of a stroller that starts with every letter of the alphabet". I also count how many times my MIL says "like".

[infomama]

Some people just love conflict and there is nothing you can do/say to make it better. If she is as confrontational as she sounds I would stick with avoidance or generic responses like, 'interesting', 'I'll have to think about that' or 'I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on that one.'
Sorry you're dealing with a MIL like that.

[trcy]

I would stick with avoidance or generic responses like, 'interesting', 'I'll have to think about that' or 'I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on that one.':yeahthat: and then change the subject. Sorry you have to deal with her, sounds very annoying.

[hillview]

My MIL is similar. I follow Infomama's advice for the most part. I also will just get up and walk away ("Oh I think that is DS1 calling" "I forgot to grab something out of the freezer"). I also try to have 3 topics to talk about that we might agree on or are at least neutral OR topic that I KNOW we don't agree on but that don't bug me to talk about. I compose in my head the emails to my sister about the funny stories of the MIL drama.

[hellokitty]

Yea, I agree with infomama. Do not engage your mil in any conversation. That along with some wine have been the best way for me to cope with being around mil for family gatherings. She is never happy with anything, so there is no point trying to make pleasant conversation. When she addresses me, I'm nice, but keep my responses very short. The less I have to talk with her, the less aggravation.

[StantonHyde]

I move around the house a LOT when my dad is here. I save up all my cleaning etc for when he is in the house. I just keep encouraging him to watch the kids/play with the kids while I do XYZ. I walk in and out of the room constantly so--even if it means leaving in the middle of his sentence. I set up that I need his help if I have to. So that is one way to avoid somebody while being in the same house. I have also been known to turn up the stereo or read with an ipod plugged into my ears!!

With the ILs. I would take every opportunity to get outside and exercise (DH was there so I could leave the kids) or take the kids to an outdoor activity.

I can do the "name every vegetable that begins with a" games in my head but then I feel totally trapped and powerless. So I prefer to physically move around out of the way!!

[hillview]

Oh another thing I do which is funny and perhaps a little unkind is think of the things I COULD say back. Most recently it was "In my country that would be considered rude to say to someone"

I didn't say it but it gave me something else to think about!