Freaking out Update posts 25&27

[mytwosons]

DH has been unemployed since 2008 and in school PT since 2009. He just started his 2 yr health program this fall. He told me today he might be kicked out.

He suffers from depression, anxiety and other mental health issues. As part of his program, they have to role play, but it counts. They were told three strikes and they are out. I knew about one strike, but he didn't tell me about the second. Today was 3.

I don't know what will happen if he gets kicked out. I've been keeping things together by myself for so long and really need a break. On top of him not having a job, I'll have to pay back his student loans. I can't believe this.

ETA: he has no college degree and we live in an area hard hit by the recession. I don't think he could find a job...

I think his anxiety was bad for these performances; his test grades are good. He never registered with the office for disabilities, which I think would have avoided all of this. Now we wait for the teachers to discuss and give their ruling. No idea how long the wait will be.

I could cry, but then I wouldn't be a supportive wife...

[wencit]

Oh no, I'm so sorry. Huge :hug: :hug: :hug:

[marymoo86]

I am so sorry. I would contact the dept anyway and explain the situation. You never know what they may do - suspension, probation, etc. I helped my DH do that while we were in college when he had a bad semester due to enjoying social time rather than studying and it worked.

Hopefully in light of the good grades they may make some exception?

[StantonHyde]

Call OEO immediately and have him give a written request for accommodations. Don't wait, start now. He also needs to email the instructor a written request for accommodations. You may not be able to salvage this--but it is totally worth the try!!!!!

[mytwosons]

I had him call his dr to get a letter and he will go to the school tomorrow to register his disability. He has not yet contacted his teachers and I can't do anything about it.

It just really sucks being married to someone with mental health issues. I get zero from the marriage and would have left a long time ago if not for the kids.

[Philly Mom]

So sorry you are going through this. I think you can cry all you want. You are there, and that is supportive.

[hellokitty]

I'm sorry, that's a really stressful situation. I agree with the others that he should contact the proper office for accomodations to his mental health problems.

[mackmama]

Call OEO immediately and have him give a written request for accommodations. Don't wait, start now. He also needs to email the instructor a written request for accommodations. You may not be able to salvage this--but it is totally worth the try!!!!!

:yeahthat: I also think you can cry and still be the supportive wife. :hug:

[sste]

:yeahthat: I also think you can cry and still be the supportive wife. :hug:

I would go for the gusto and call the OEO and cry then! Honestly. And def. do exactly what Stantonhyde said. I am a little confused about this program and what is going on and role-playing. If you can figure out the institution's concerns about your dh and then work with the disability office, come up with a plan. I am so sorry!

[mytwosons]

No, I really can't cry infront of my husband or he'll say I'm not being supportive Nd get even more depressed.

The teacher emailed and said he could have one more chance but that's it. I begged him to tell her about the anxiety and he is drafting an email.

Roll play was probably a bad term. It's a skill check off. One student pretends to be a patient and the other is tested on the skill.

I hope there is some accommodation. If he makes it past this first semester, he still will have three to go.

[alexsmommy]

I am so sorry.

Continue to beg/impress/bribe/cajole him into informing his instructors what is going on. The stigma of mental health is so much better than it used to be, but those who suffer are still wary of being perceived of as "weak". Remind him if he bombed because he was diabetic and his blood sugar was off, he'd be given accomdations. This is no different.

Then, tomorrow, when you are alone, run a bath and have a big cry.

Later, when things are better, if your DH is willing, ask to go to a session with him to address your need to be able to have your own emotions and express them without it being perceived as not being a loving, supportive wife.

Again. I am so sorry. This must be so difficult.

[ZeeBaby]

:grouphug:so sorry. Hoping it gets better for you and your DH.

[crl]

:grouphug:

Catherine

[KDsMommy]

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I agree that your DH MUST explain the situation and get accomodations. It's also not at all fair that you can't have your emotions. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to come here and vent. :grouphug:

[mytwosons]

Thank you all.

I wrote an email to his teachers and he sent it last night. His last chance will be this Fri morning, so I'm hoping that's enough time to get accommodations in place. DH is very depressed right now and I'm very worried about him. Trying to get him in to see one of his docs (med or therapist) before Fri to deal with the stress and then on Friday in case he is kicked out, but they are booked solid. P & PTs very much appreciated.

ETA: I'm expecting a job offer this week, so I can see that happening on fri after DH gets kicked out. I really need to think positively, but after things being bad for so long, it's really hard. Yesterday threw me into a tailspin and I spent the night worrying that I wouldn't get the job, even though it's fairly certain. Ugh.

[liz]

:grouphug:

[arivecchi]

No advice but sending you big hugs. You are being so strong. :grouphug:

[karstmama]

sorry for you about dealing with him, but tentative hooray for *your* new job. :) being supportive in this case also means being able to carry on without him carrying his load, as i'm sure you know. btdt in previous marriage...

[ehlana06]

I understand how you feel. It's so stressful and at times scary to have a spouse who is suffering from a mental disability. My DH is bi-polar 1 and it's been quite a ride. If you need anyone to talk to feel free to pm me. We've had similar work issues as well.

[mmommy]

Couldn't read and not send :grouphug: Keep your head up. You are so strong, but totally deserve a safe space to vent and some downtime! Its great to see all of the people here cheering for you!

[ellies mom]

I was confused by the role playing bit too but I see now that it is a skills assessment. Yes, they are very stressful. I swear in some of those programs, you spend the entire time feeling as though you are on the verge of being kicked out. I can't even imagine trying it with an anxiety issue on top of that. I hope he can find it in him to relax, take a deep breath and get through it. He'll be in my thoughts and probably my flashbacks to that whole stressful experience.

Being the spouse sucks too. When I graduated from nursing school just about every speech talked about the real sacrifice the families make. You are in my thoughts as well. Come here and vent away. Everyone needs an outlet. :hug5:

[mytwosons]

Thank you all again. It definitely helps to vent here because no one IRL knows about his mental health. Family suspects, and asks me if he is OK, but he doesn't want anyone to know.

[jacksmomtobe]

Wow you are carrying a heavy load. Seems a bit unfair that you are not allowed to express your feelings or reach out o family & friends irl. Hugs to you. Please come here to vent if you need to.

[ourbabygirl]

Just wanted to send more hugs, and lots of P & PTs for this Friday, for both you and your DH! I hope everything goes well this week and that you're able to rest easier very soon! :hug:

[mytwosons]

My DH emailed the teachers Monday night but still hasn't received a reply. He went yesterday to the students with disabilities office, met with someone, and took a form to his doctor to complete. The big thing right now is to get the form turned in ASAP so the accommodations can be in place for Friday.

He knew one girl in his class has a learning disability and talked to her yesterday. She disclosed she has multiple learning disabilities as well as anxiety. She told him she was the first person with a disability in the program. She told him all the teachers except one (the one my DH doesn't like) were fine with her being in the program, but instructor P, didn't agree that she should have accommodations since she "wouldn't have them in the real world". Wow. DH said he's seen the teacher treat this student differently and that is one of the reasons he was reluctant to request accommodations.

Anyhow, DH seems to be doing better - not as depressed. I'm not quite as stressed and now we just wait to see what happens. He has the make up skills assessment Friday and then his last practical around the following Friday. If he passes both, he's still in the program.

[MamaMolly]

She told him all the teachers except one (the one my DH doesn't like) were fine with her being in the program, but instructor P, didn't agree that she should have accommodations since she "wouldn't have them in the real world". Wow. DH said he's seen the teacher treat this student differently and that is one of the reasons he was reluctant to request accommodations.

Happily, it doesn't matter if the teacher agrees or not. The ADA means that they get the accommodations at school AND in the real world.

[mytwosons]

Update: The Dr's office still has the form. I begged DH to call them and even show up in person to get it filled out, but it didn't happen.

DH was depressed all week, but then exercised yesterday and was feeling better. He didn't seem worried this morning and I thought he would do ok on his retake this morning.

He didn't pass.

The good news is it sounds like he will be allowed to restart the program with the next cohort instead of being kicked out permanently or having to join the waitlist again. The bad news is the next cohort doesn't start until next Fall.

Great timing with the holidays. He HATES when my parents bring up anything to do with school because he feels they are pressuring him, so I anticipate a blowup. Seriously, they can simply ask "how is school going" and he takes it the wrong way.

I heard on Wednesday that I would be offered the new job, but I'm waiting for the salary to be finalized. I made the mistake of telling DH Wed evening and I think it made him more depressed. I'm hoping I don't hear about salary until at least Monday.

Ugh. I never envisioned myself as being the sole bread winner for my family. Over the past four years I've gotten tired of it, but at least I had a light at the end of the tunnel - I could see an end to things and have been thinking about how wonderful it will be when he has a job and we have some extra money to take a vacation, get home internet, smart phones, and in general just not worry as much about bigger expenses like replacing a furnace. I was counting on his salary to help cover college expenses. Now, I'm not sure if he will ever have a career and I'm worried about our kids' college. Ugh.

[crl]

I hope this is just a temporary set back. :hug:

Catherine

[KpbS]

Sending big hugs to you. :hug: :hug: :hug:

[mytwosons]

And for a completely selfish b!tch: I haven't gotten a Xmas or bday gift in years. Was finally hoping to get something this year, but that won't be happening.

[StantonHyde]

oh my, that is really, really, really hard. :hug::hug::hug:

[mikala]

Huge :hug: What a rotten situation all around.

[liz]

I am sorry :hug:

[OKKiddo]

I'm really sorry. :thumbsdown: :hug:

[karstmama]

oh, i'm sorry.

[hillview]

hugs I am so sorry

[niccig]

I am in a grad program where we have to have client contact in clinics and we have to pass it. There was someone in my group this semester who was pulled from client contact in week 3 as she wasn't ready for it.

They didn't kick her out of the course, they put a remediation plan in place. She shadowed the rest of us this semester and had set skills to work on. Next semester she'll be teamed up with a last year student to work with a client and she has more skills she has to master, but she has opportunities to learn them.

I think your DH needs to be proactive and see someone in the department, as well as the university ADA/professor of this class. My classmate's advisor went to bat for her and pushed for a plan that will help her succeed. Does he have an advisor or a professor he can get advice from?

It sounds like he'll have more of these tests and even if he starts the program again, how will that help him do better to pass this kind of test? Will the accommodations be enough to help or does he need more help mastering certain skills AND being confident in them.

One thing I know my classmate needs is a lot more practice interacting with clients, mostly parents and kids, to increase her confidence. I'm a parent, DS is a client in our program, so I offered for us to come in when they're ready for her to practice before seeing a real client. They know I understand the situation and I know DS won't be harmed at all and he'll get some extra practice. So win-win.

I hope a plan can be worked out so you DH succeeds in the program, but he has to talk to them about what he needs to do that.

[lmh2402]

:hug: i'm so sorry. :hug: :hug:

[ZeeBaby]

I am sorry as well, but maybe he can use this time to focus on his depression for him to be ready for the fall. It will also give him a chance to explore accommodations. Good luck.

[Mopey]

My heart goes out to you OP :hug: I'm so sorry and I'm really hoping it is a sucky phase before better. I do think you have to help your hubby take control of and responsibility for his mental health and well-being as it impacts his whole family and you probably didn't sign up to fend all on your own. I know it is easy for me to dispense advice, but I have seen a similar situation close up for a while now and it is just heartbreaking. You deserve better than this, AND SO DOES HE!!! I believe in therapy and medications and I think he needs to embrace a plan to help his happiness. I have seen how someone's life can become so much more when they get help. I hope things get better very, very soon. Lots and lots and lots of pt coming your way.

[mytwosons]

I wish it were as easy as DH just talking to an instructor and the ADA people, but his mental health issues mean nothing is easy. One of his instructors is the Director. I think the reason he can re-enroll next year is because she saw how hard he tried. He told me she got choked up yesterday and had to leave the room.

DH has been in treatment and things were really improved. I think one of the reasons I had such a hard time dealing with this yesterday was because, up until Monday night, I thought everything was rosey and so much better than even 6 months ago.

Thank you all for the kind words and support. It really helps.

[Melbel]

I am late to post but I have been thinking about you and your DH (read your post on my phone in the carpool line).

I am so sorry that you both are struggling due to his illness. My only thought is wondering if his doctors have done a comprehensive workup to rule out underlying medical causes for his mental illness. Has he always suffered from anxiety/depression or was there a later onset? It sounded as though it may be a later onset (or exacerbation) based upon your comments that you did not expect to be the sole bread winner.

Through our Lyme journey and my daily research, I am appalled at how many people slip through the cracks. It is much easier to write a script and send a patient quickly out the door than searching for the actual cause and healing the person.

I wish I could send you a lovely gift to brighten your holidays. Sending positive thoughts and prayers for answers, healing and a more fulfilling future. :grouphug:

[MamaMolly]

Thank you all again. It definitely helps to vent here because no one IRL knows about his mental health. Family suspects, and asks me if he is OK, but he doesn't want anyone to know.

I just wanted to offer some more support, and a thought on the part above. I think you need some help IRL. As much good as our collective good vibes are ;), it isn't there to hold your hand or lend a hand IRL.

I think if the family suspects and is asking you about him, I doubt they are just being nosey or judgemental. I would imagine it comes from a place of genuine concern. (Of course only you know them...) Either way, You don't have to lie or cover for him to be supportive of him. I don't think it protects him either. If anyone asks, tell them they need to speak to DH about it. Rinse and repeat. It respects your DH's privacy, his autonomy as an adult, and at the same time doesn't isolate you or make you seem like an enabler.