Frickin' frackin' DH...

[twowhat?]

It's probably a really bad thing I keep b!tching about DH. I am hoping I'm just in a TOTM mood and that we don't have serious underlying issues but he just pissed me off today to where I was actually throwing stuff. Ugh:(

He gets so angry when I say I will do something but it doesn't get done in his time frame. I mean, cut me a freakin' break. I keep the house running by getting priority chores done DURING MY WORKDAY. Laundry, dishes, I am lucky if I can cook something. I run the vacuum. I empty the pool skimmers. I pick up dog poop. Who cares if the Thanksgiving scarecrow still hasn't been put away???? I AM BUSY, d@mmit!!! This is the busiest time of the year for work. I am up tonight doing, guess what...WORKING. So don't give me crap that the goodwill pile has been sitting there for months and that the Christmas ornaments boxes is still not put back into the attic.

And then he had the gall to tell me how awful my desk looked - this is after I spent TWO HOURS last Friday organizing it. OK, granted he didn't see me do it since it was during the workday but IT DOES NOT LOOK BAD. And I work from home - that's where any clutter is going to be. That was the straw that broke the camel's back. What, I can't even have my own space that isn't under his constant scrutiny? That's when I started throwing things. UGH UGH UGH. I am so angry and exhausted from crying now, and I have to go out of town for FIVE DAYS for work over this week and next, completely losing my weekend. SO not what I need. And my period is totally going to start while I'm in the security line at the airport or something.

[hillview]

Um wow. That isn't nice at all. I would be upset too.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Eek. I'd be royally pi$$ed too. Especially since he was b*tching about that state of YOUR desk (WTF). I would explain to him that it really makes you feel bad when he complains about the state of the house when you work so hard to keep things up, on top of work and everything else. Hope he apologizes ASAP. :hug:

[gatorsmom]

Oooooh, I'd be so pi$$ed off if he wanted to know why the scarecrow wasn't put away that I already know what I'd say, "well, if you don't like it, then march YOUR lazy a$$ out there and put it away. I"m busy too. If you have time to bitch at me about it, then you have time to put it away."

And then when he'd start to argue with me I'd walk away and tell him I'm not listening so he can go complain to someone who gives a hoot.

I'm soo sorry you are dealing with this. It hurts so bad I know. My DH was like this for a LONG time. And he continued to be like this as long as i let it upset me. When I finally pointed the finger at him and asked why he wasn't doing something about it, he stopped complaining. And walking away from him while he was talking really took the wind from his sails. My guess is that it's stress getting to him and he's taking it out on you. Sooo not fair.

[DrSally]

Wow, I'd be so mad. I can't believe you do all those things during your work day.

[arivecchi]

Ugh. So sorry. If you wanted to get even, tell him he needs to step it up and hire help for you! I know, bad advice, but I would be so tempted! Like gatorsmom, I'd ask him to do it himself - even better - tell him to make a list of all the things that need to be "done" so he can get to them in his free time. :hug:

[twowhat?]

I mean, I realize some of this is my issue because I want things done a certain way (i.e. I don't want him to do it) but if I say I'm going to do it - I wish he would just LEAVE IT ALONE. I will get it done. Eventually.

He does chores too - he does all the lawnwork, pool cleaning, feeds dogs in the morning, takes out trash. I NEVER rag on him when (for example) 3 months ago he says "we need to get a chimney sweep here to check the fireplace before it gets cold so we can use it". No chimney sweep yet. I've kept my mouth shut.

He just gets SO ANNOYED and I can tell when he is upset that I haven't done something because he starts stomping around doing other things, and snapping at the girls to clean up this or that, right now. And then he tells them we have to clean every evening. Does he follow through every evening? NOOOO!!!!! AAARGH!!

And I've totally yelled at him about all the stuff I do. He just yells back that I don't appreciate what he does either. That is probably true. We are definitely in a bad place in terms of communication right now. But I don't rag on him for not getting things done - he needs to stop ragging on me! Uuuuugh. I haven't even had dinner yet, I'm so upset. I'm just not in a good place with being married to someone who is so high-strung right now:( I've been so much happier when he's out of town - I feel like we can all just relax. Gotta get out of this funk.

eta: and I don't do ALL those things during every workday but I always get the main things done - dishes, dog poop picked up before trash days, pool skimmers emptied on windy days, toss in a load of laundry (so it's at least clean, though not folded). On the days I want to run the vacuum because we are being overtaken by dog hair, I work 30 min in the evening to make up for it. And I really don't mind this at all - I like being able to do it and I like to be able to do quick 5-15 min chores here and there without the girls around because it goes so much faster and in the end I net more time.

[crl]

That sounds really frustrating. :hug:

Catherine

[niccig]

Oooooh, I'd be so pi$$ed off if he wanted to know why the scarecrow wasn't put away that I already know what I'd say, "well, if you don't like it, then march YOUR lazy a$$ out there and put it away. I"m busy too. If you have time to bitch at me about it, then you have time to put it away."



I do this too. Complain to me about something and I say "if you don't like how I do it, then you're welcome to do it." I've gotten over having to do everything myself. DH's way isn't quite my way, but it's good enough as it gets done - as I survey the groceries DH bought last night. We're eating a lot of berries and cauliflower this week. But he saved me from having to go do it.

Sorry OP, life is difficult enough, there's already too many things to deal with then to deal with a spouse complaining all the time.

And don't worry about your scarecrow. I have Thanksgiving decorations in the dining room and CHristmas decorations in the living room - gotta put one lot away and get the next lot out.

[maestramommy]

Gah. That would drive me nuts. My desk is usually a welter, but Dh never says anything because he has his own desk. Is your Dh really high maintenance? I can't imagine why he would care about stuff like a scarecrow.

And just so you know. I finally peeled the Halloween decorations off our front door because I thought it would look odd with candles in the windows and a tree blinking from the living room. :tongue5:

:hug:

[twowhat?]

Gah. That would drive me nuts. My desk is usually a welter, but Dh never says anything because he has his own desk. Is your Dh really high maintenance? I can't imagine why he would care about stuff like a scarecrow.

And just so you know. I finally peeled the Halloween decorations off our front door because I thought it would look odd with candles in the windows and a tree blinking from the living room. :tongue5:

:hug:

I dunno if I'd call him "high maintenance" but he is just high-strung. And I'm just not doing well with high-strung these days. He HATES clutter and since having kids (which as you all know by default comes with some level of clutter) it just puts him in a bad mood. But he won't consistently (and NICELY) implement clean-up times with the kids. He just waits until he stubs his toe on a toy or something and then explodes. And kid clutter just doesn't bother me that much - and I honestly think our house has SO much less clutter than a lot of our friends' homes.

And he's so high-strung when it comes to MY friends - he hates when I want to have friends stay overnight. He hates that invasion of our "peace and quiet". It's gotten to where I don't offer to host overnight guests anymore and sometimes even make excuses to my friends for why they can't stay. Sigh. He doesn't like to hang out with my friends. I've done many a get-together on my own with the kids because he'd rather not go - which is fine, really - I'd rather him not go if he's going to be miserable, because then that would make ME miserable. But I'll admit it gets under my skin that everyone else's DH will go, have fun, and just be laid-back and that my DH is developing a reputation (everyone thinks he doesn't like them).

He's so high-strung with work. I can get insanely busy with work but I try hard to not let it bother me when it comes to non-work times. Like between 5-8pm when that's family time. He, on the other hand, will come home grumpy and grouchy and snappy. Which is FINE, I know - he has a right to be frustrated...I just wish he could let it go.

When he goes out of town on business, everyone just relaxes. I know a lot of this is my issue - I get VERY tense around DH. He walks in the door, I tense up hoping he's in a good mood vs a sour mood. Uh oh - DH is about to sit on the couch and there are toys on it. Cringe. I make a huge effort to have the house picked up on the day he gets home. I don't like to drive if he is coming too because I can see him criticizing my driving and my lack of sense of direction even if he's not outwardly saying anything. That kind of stuff. And it's not like my DH is unusual - I see couples where the DH is high-strung all the time and the DW just lets it roll. I am having trouble just letting it roll off of me.

I guess I'm just not enjoying being around him right now. We don't do anything together anymore - girls go to bed, I get online, he puts his headphones on. I know, I know. We would definitely benefit from counseling but good luck getting my DH to go to a therapist - I don't think he has a lot of respect for that field. And the other problem is that I'm really just too exhausted to try to do anything about it. So, we just wallow through the dark cloud for now until it lifts. Hopefully soon. I do have a GC to a nice restaurant that we have to use this year. We need get someone to babysit and use it.

[niccig]

I'm sorry. That's not a good way to live being on egg-shells all the time that you've done something wrong.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

first off, to echo maestramommy and others..our Halloween decorations were still out well after thanksgiving..while our neighbors had put up nativity scenes and inflatable Santas, we still had our pumpkin lights still up. :p i think it was last week that we finally took them down when we went to put up our Christmas decorations with the kids.

and it sounds like you guys are WAY overdue for a date night. i'd make a call to Grandma today and arrange a night this month to use that GC!! You deserve it and it will be nice for you both to have this to look forward to... i know DH & I both practically count down the days till we get a date night, even if it often involves a ton of effort beforehand- travel, packing, etc. It make take some effort but it is always worth it! i know that the times that have been more stressful for DH & I are the times we end up going for several months without a date night. Getting chunks of kid-free time together so we can both just relax really helps us both to de-stress a ton.

[arivecchi]

Twowhat, what you just wrote reminds me a lot of my dad who was a clean freak who made us all miserable with his sour moods and explosions. I think he took his work and life frustrations out on us and the spark was always clutter. We all walked on eggshells around him and it sucked. It's really not fair for the family for things to always be so tense. Honestly, I don't think you need to work on things rolling off your back since you seem to already be way overextended.

He has a couple of options: (i) hire a housekeeper, (ii) clean things up himself or (iii) relax. I also do not like clutter but have accepted that we must live with some as I do not want to spend my free time being miserable over it. So not worth it.

Maybe you guys can have a chat or do counseling because that dynamic can get even worse (like it did in my childhood home) and he needs to understand that he is affecting your family life. :hug: Hope you can figure something out.

[sste]

Is your DH having work or other stressors, perhaps that he is not telling you about? Or is this more of a chronic, long-term thing with him?

I would not be happy either way don't get me wrong! I just know for my DH (who tends messy) the only time he gets pissy or snippy about things like that is when something went wrong at work.

[jacksmomtobe]

I feel your pain! My DH will comment about something on the floor ie "I was wondering how many days that sock would be on the floor". My reaction if you see it on the floor then pick it up don't comment on me not picking it up, pick it up & help out. I mean really am the one leaving things on the floor...no but yet I am expected to pick up for everyone who does.