Need some help-What would you have done?

[unlisted]

We had some friends over earlier today. Ds1 is 4(will be 5 in Jan.). His friend that was here is almost exactly 1 year younger. They were playing in our basement. My ds2 was there too(he is 2). Apparently the friend closed the door (the rule is that the door is to stay open) and he was not letting ds2 out. Ds1 was telling him to open it and then tried to run up the stairs to tell me that friend was holding the door closed but friend kicked him and was physically not letting him up the stairs. So ds1 bit his friend. I know it was out of frustration but that does not excuse it. So friend comes upstairs and says that ds1 bit him and the parents only hear that side of the story(so did I until I asked ds1 more about it). I sent ds1 to his room for the night. I feel that an almost 5 yr old biting is unacceptable. He has been crying and saying "but he wouldn't let me up the stairs!" And I said that he should have yelled for me, walked away, done something else than biting. So my question is....does his punishment fit his crime? Am I being too hard on him by sending him to his room for the night? Because I want to cry. He's a happy, nice kid that had biting problems as a toddler(he talked late and still is in speech). It's like he got frustrated and couldn't get the words out and that was the only way to get his friend to stop. Anyways, does anyone have any advice?

[hollybloom24]

I think you did the right thing. Even if your son was frustrated and couldn't verbalize this, at almost 5 years old he should know that biting is not the way to handle a situation. The five year old was in the wrong too, of course.

Next time DS has a friend over I would go over the rules with DS beforehand and if he breaks the rules you will need to send the friend home and tell him he'll get X consequence as well, and then when the friend arrives go over the house rules (like the door must be kept open) again.

I wouldn't beat yourself up over this.

[crl]

I don't know how long "for the night" is. If it's a half an hour, that sounds fine. If is for four hours and he doesn't get dinner then it sounds excessive. If you feel in retrospect that the punishment is too harsh under the circumstances, I would feel free to let him out early.

I actually would not let those particular kids play together unsupervised for awhile. Sounds to me like they aren't ready for it (especially the visitor).

Catherine

[gatorsmom]

I'm kind of torn on this one. On the one hand, it's absolutely wrong to bite. On the other hand, if someone was hurting his sibling, I'd definitely want my child to do what he could to stop it. I think all night in his room is too much, after all, his intentions were good. After a bit of time in his room, I'd talk to him about a better way to handle it next time and then I'd hug him for trying to defend his little brother.

And I agree with crl, I'd not invite that particular friend over for awhile.

[sste]

In retrospect, from the calm of the internet, I try to take the child's perspective (in the moment of my own life I would have freaked and meted out a pretty severe consequence).

It sounds to me like perhaps your child really panicked. I mean adrenaline panic. The situation sounds pretty scary to me from his perspective of not knowing how far this other kid would go, the basement, the door, etc. I think the panic may have caused him to both regress and to go into "fight or flight" mode with really only fight left as an option. So, my vote assuming no other incidents in recent past of chomper activity, is that this was a stress-derived regression and you should feel free to let him out of his room early if he has already done "some time."

[unlisted]

Thanks everyone. I decided to let him out after talking with him. And I don't think we will be doing anymore unsupervised playing for awhile. He's a really good boy and I know that he loves his brother. He shows us that daily. I think that I mostly got embarrassed because of the biting:(

[Cuckoomamma]

I think I may be in the minority, but I think that he handled the situation as best as he could. He was sticking up for his brother and even for himself. Sure he could have handled it better, but there are so many situations that one can second guess. The friend was 100% wrong, and I'd be really proud that he was trying to get help for his brother.

I have two girls who are non-physical. My fear is that if someone tries to hurt them, they won't fight back because they're so concerned with following rules and being "good".

[crl]

Thanks everyone. I decided to let him out after talking with him. And I don't think we will be doing anymore unsupervised playing for awhile. He's a really good boy and I know that he loves his brother. He shows us that daily. I think that I mostly got embarrassed because of the biting:(

:hug: I totally understand. I hate those moments. It's so hard to do the "right" thing, whatever that is. He sounds like a really sweet brother.

Catherine

[3isEnough]

In retrospect, from the calm of the internet, I try to take the child's perspective (in the moment of my own life I would have freaked and meted out a pretty severe consequence).

It sounds to me like perhaps your child really panicked. I mean adrenaline panic. The situation sounds pretty scary to me from his perspective of not knowing how far this other kid would go, the basement, the door, etc. I think the panic may have caused him to both regress and to go into "fight or flight" mode with really only fight left as an option. So, my vote assuming no other incidents in recent past of chomper activity, is that this was a stress-derived regression and you should feel free to let him out of his room early if he has already done "some time."

Dang you always say it better than I could :applause:

And if someone locked me in the basement I'd probably bite them too!

[ha98ed14]

Dang you always say it better than I could :applause:



She always does, doesn't she? How much to gurus make these days?