How to deal with this issue with DH....

[Melaine]

I'm looking for advice on this situation. Some free marriage counseling perhaps? I know you guys have some great advice, BTDT, and just good solid wisdom. I usually talk these things through with my close girl friends but DS's poor sleeping habits of kind of cut me off from girls' nights the last couple months!

I'll try not to get too long: First off, I can't really complain about DH. He is so good to me, and I love him so much. We do have a good relationship. We have been stressed for the last few years, and we both are kind of high-anxiety people although most people do not get that vibe from us. So I would say most of our conflicts are about circumstances, not about personal clashes.

Quick background: we both grew up in very strong Christian homes and met at Bible college. DH was in school to go into youth ministry but had to leave due to finances. We did a lot of ministry together. Our spiritual relationship was very strong.

Since the girls came, we have both been hit hard by stress and exhaustion. DH is very introverted and withdraws during these kinds of events. We had just moved churches when I got pregnant and that church sort of imploded while we were going through the hard baby months with the girls. By the time we got back (a couple years later, frankly) there wasn't much to go back to.

We sort of drifted to another church but never felt a good fit. For the first time in my life, I felt like going to church was a chore and I dreaded it. DH felt the same way. Since then, we have not gone consistently. The girls and I have visited my parents church a lot (they are one hour away) so at least the girls have been in Sunday School and they have gone to VBS and stuff like that. I pray with them at home and we talk about God, although not nearly as much as I feel like I want to.

I have brought up visiting other churches at least a dozen times. One church we know would be a good fit and we have planned to visit for months. This morning I asked DH if we could go and he said he doesn't want to "be alone" when I inevitably get up with the baby. He seems to have a strange level of social anxiety related to this. This is a guy who has preached in Bible classes, taught teenagers, discipled kids one on one, and prayed in front of dozens of people. Where is this coming from?

He basically told me he needed more "notice" to plan to go to church. I am so frustrated. My inclination is to tell him to suck it up and quit sabotaging my kids chance at having a church family (which I feel is so important). This has already gotten way too long, but can I get some feedback?

[KpbS]

Can you ask him for a specific Sunday he will be willing to go to that church and/ offer to put your DS in the nursery or let him be the one to take him to the cry-room?

:hug:

[Melaine]

Can you ask him for a specific Sunday he will be willing to go to that church and/ offer to put your DS in the nursery or let him be the one to take him to the cry-room?

:hug:

Yes, I think we are going to have to put it on the calendar or something? I just guess...I have such a hard time relating to this. I am not very understanding. I am not going to be willing to put DS in the nursery until we are little more familiar with the church, but DH could definitely take DS out if needed. Well, sometimes.

DS is a little particular about my breasts being with him at all times.;)

[fedoragirl]

I am in a similar situation except that I am doing the stalling. And DH is getting frustrated with me. The only reason I can think of is that I haven't gone to church in such a long time then I must be a terrible person and I just can't "make it up" to God. What a silly, stupid reason to not go to church but there it is. FWIW, we did make it out to church this past weekend and for us, that's a huge deal. I drove in falling snow and ice. Our church is 45 min. away and both our kids just about destroyed our ear drums on the way back. And yet, we want to repeat the process because being there was just...fantastic. And we don't even know anyone there....yet.
I wish you both could just get a start.

[crl]

I think calendaring it is a good idea. And I would also agree with telling dh he can take the baby out if need be. Church is usually about an hour and a half, right? So even if dh has to take the baby for a walk or something they can make it through a service. Not ideal, but do you think it would be just for that first week? Once he's been he will be more comfortable. I know my dh vastly preferred being the one to take ds out when necessary.

Will your girls sit with you for service? Could he be anxious about being left with them and worrying that they will fidget and so on? Would a plan for that help? (We used to let ds have paper and crayons or a toy Thoms to hold.)

Catherine

[Melaine]

I am in a similar situation except that I am doing the stalling. And DH is getting frustrated with me. The only reason I can think of is that I haven't gone to church in such a long time then I must be a terrible person and I just can't "make it up" to God. What a silly, stupid reason to not go to church but there it is. FWIW, we did make it out to church this past weekend and for us, that's a huge deal. I drove in falling snow and ice. Our church is 45 min. away and both our kids just about destroyed our ear drums on the way back. And yet, we want to repeat the process because being there was just...fantastic. And we don't even know anyone there....yet.
I wish you both could just get a start.

I think there is some of that for us...at least for me. I do feel some guilt because I feel like I have not maintained the relationship with God that I want to have. And I know that His grace is sufficient and that He has already forgiven me for anything and everything I have done. And that He is always there seeking closeness with me. I hate that guilt actually gets in the way of me pursuing God the way my heart actually wants to. There have been a few times I wanted to pick up my Bible and didn't because I felt guilty I hadn't been reading it in so long? Where is the logic in that? I feel like I really need a connection to the body of believers and DH doesn't *feel* that he needs that. I am sure he does though! fedoragirl, I'm so glad you guys got out, I hope you keep it up!!!


I think calendaring it is a good idea. And I would also agree with telling dh he can take the baby out if need be. Church is usually about an hour and a half, right? So even if dh has to take the baby for a walk or something they can make it through a service. Not ideal, but do you think it would be just for that first week? Once he's been he will be more comfortable. I know my dh vastly preferred being the one to take ds out when necessary.

Will your girls sit with you for service? Could he be anxious about being left with them and worrying that they will fidget and so on? Would a plan for that help? (We used to let ds have paper and crayons or a toy Thoms to hold.)

Catherine

The girls are good at sitting through church, it isn't really that. And unfortunately, I don't think it's the first week at all. I think he dreads the following weeks when he will have to talk to new people. Again, this is so difficult for me to relate to. I mean, I know that visiting new churches isn't really fun and even though I am an extrovert, I still often feel awkward about it. But we NEED to push through to build relationships. Only then will he be comfortable, but we have to meet people and get close to them to break out of this cycle, ykwim? He takes a long time to open up to people, which I actually love about him. He is a very loyal friend and is very honest and real with people. Unfortunately, most people are not interested in hanging around to get to know him because he doesn't come across very friendly.

ETA: This is good, guys, it's definitely helping me talk through and I feel my attitude is softening a bit so that is a good thing! Hopefully by the time we have this conversation I can handle it better!

[wellyes]

Ask him for a limited number of visits. Say: let's try it for one month. After that, if you still don't like it, we will not go back. Maybe having that control, and knowing there is an end, will help him get through the "dangers" of the place he's worked up in his head. And perhaps actually going will be much better than he fears. IME the only way for him to get rid of the boogeyman in his head is to just try it, and the best way to get him to try it is to give him an easy "out" if he gets overwhelmed.

[Melaine]

Yes, limited number of visits. I like it.

[AnnieW625]

Start with Christmas Eve or day service at the new church. There is something magical about church at Christmas it might help spur some excitement about going to church. Does the new church have a nursery or middle of service activity for the kids or concurrent Sunday school the twins could go to?

Church is hard with young kids. We rarely went to church the year DD1 was 2-3 yrs. old, and at the time that was an odd thing for me, but DD1 would not behave and the church didn't have a nursery. Our new church does and it has been such a savior with DD2.

Good luck and lots of hugs.

[hillview]

Is it possible he is just exhausted and seeing / meeting new people just makes him more tired (vs for some people that gives them energy)? I think the notice is reasonable if you have been running on fumes lately and he is more introverted vs extroverted.

HUGS

[redhookmom]

Go with or without him, just go. You don't want to forever be resenting him for not bringing your children to church. Don't make it a threat just a planned activity that you are going to on Sunday mornings.

Molly

[OKKiddo]

Yes, I think we are going to have to put it on the calendar or something? I just guess...I have such a hard time relating to this. I am not very understanding. I am not going to be willing to put DS in the nursery until we are little more familiar with the church, but DH could definitely take DS out if needed. Well, sometimes.

DS is a little particular about my breasts being with him at all times.;)

We're frequently in the same situation and I am the one who mentions it all the time and then I'm done with trying to "prep" him. I get up and get ready (he's still in bed) and get the kids fed and ready and then he's finally up at that point and we're waiting on him since we can see he's finally going to come too. I think I'll just start leaving without him because then he makes us late for Mass and I HATE walking in late! My husband has one particular part of Mass that he doesn't like and that's going up for the blessing because we're still waiting to be confirmed (and that's waiting for an answer on his annulment from his first wife years ago when he was a teenager straight out of high school). I also feel uncomfortable when we can't participate in the Communion and have to leave with the Priest's blessing but I know that one day we'll be able to participate fully and I want to be prepared and have our children grow in the Church in the meantime.

Sometimes it helps motivate the other people in our lives when they see the light and dedication shining out of us. Or at least shows them how to not be lazy. ;) I say get up, start going even with the children--there are many hands at church to help--and eventually he'll come around. <3

[megs4413]

we are in a REALLY similar spot right now (funnily enough, my DH was also in Bible college to be a youth minister prior to transferring). We moved and only my DH loved the church we found here. It has been eons since we've regularly attended and it bothers all of us (even the kids.) But, none of us is particularly motivated to go "church shop." I'm the introvert in the family, so I may be the biggest holdout in our group.

As of right now, we're planning to go back to the church we're not all that jazzed about until we receive further direction. God led us to that church and I trust that He has a plan on that score. I just really need to get on board. Hard to do sometimes....

[SnuggleBuggles]

Is there a chance his views on religion have changed? Maybe they have and he doesn't know how to tell you.

[megulis]

Maybe it isn't the right time for him. Maybe what is best for him and his spiritual self is to have rest, so he can be a good dad and a good person towards you and others. Sometimes doing God's wishes isn't what you want and comes in different ways. He may not be ready this month or 6 months from now. Maybe talk to him about when he may feel like he is ready. I am not sure if I would push though. And as others have suggested, ask if it is okay with him if once in a while you go without him because you would like to go. HTH.

[Nooknookmom]

Is there a chance his views on religion have changed? Maybe they have and he doesn't know how to tell you.

:yeahthat:

DH went to Catholic school thru 8th grade, did the altar boy thing and his Family ESP Granpa was at church all the time.

As an adult I've NEVER known him to attend mass. We have been married 21 yrs. Im not Catholic - so I only know a little about that religion (My mom was raised Baptist but after my dad died and she remarried we never went to church unless i tagged on with my catholic neighbors or my Serbian or Greek neighbors or we were down South and attended the church she grew up in which I love).

Anyway, DH did want to have our firstborn christened in the church he grew up in (we were back visiting when his Dad passed away) and the Priest refused. That really ticked him off so to speak so I think his disillusionment was deeper. Especially since his dad had JUST died...

Maybe you DH has a reason he doesn't want to go?

[egoldber]

He basically told me he needed more "notice" to plan to go to church.

As an introvert who gets completely exhausted meeting new people, I have to say that I totally get this and it makes perfect sense to me. :o I really need time to get my head around meeting people and making the small talk with them. It's very difficult for me to just randomly meet new people or decide to spontaneously go somewhere that I will need to talk to strangers. I know that it is very frustrating at times for my super extroverted DH.

[Melaine]

Is there a chance his views on religion have changed? Maybe they have and he doesn't know how to tell you.

He has assured me that that's not the issue, and I'm sure he would be honest about this. I wondered the same thing, so I have asked him.


Maybe it isn't the right time for him. Maybe what is best for him and his spiritual self is to have rest, so he can be a good dad and a good person towards you and others. Sometimes doing God's wishes isn't what you want and comes in different ways. He may not be ready this month or 6 months from now. Maybe talk to him about when he may feel like he is ready. I am not sure if I would push though. And as others have suggested, ask if it is okay with him if once in a while you go without him because you would like to go. HTH.

I don't want to push him, you're right. I do want to have a productive conversation, so I think talking it through here with ya'll first will really help. The thing is, I think he *does* want to be there, just wants to skip the first 6-12 months of awkwardness. In some ways, I feel like he needs me to push him....I guess I'm not sure?


:yeahthat:

DH went to Catholic school thru 8th grade, did the altar boy thing and his Family ESP Granpa was at church all the time.

As an adult I've NEVER known him to attend mass. We have been married 21 yrs. Im not Catholic - so I only know a little about that religion (My mom was raised Baptist but after my dad died and she remarried we never went to church unless i tagged on with my catholic neighbors or my Serbian or Greek neighbors or we were down South and attended the church she grew up in which I love).

Anyway, DH did want to have our firstborn christened in the church he grew up in (we were back visiting when his Dad passed away) and the Priest refused. That really ticked him off so to speak so I think his disillusionment was deeper. Especially since his dad had JUST died...

Maybe you DH has a reason he doesn't want to go?

I hear what you are saying and I do think that happens to a lot of adults after growing up in the church. It is a little different for DH as he was paying for his own education at an expensive private school and was 18-21 years old.....

As an introvert who gets completely exhausted meeting new people, I have to say that I totally get this and it makes perfect sense to me. :o I really need time to get my head around meeting people and making the small talk with them. It's very difficult for me to just randomly meet new people or decide to spontaneously go somewhere that I will need to talk to strangers. I know that it is very frustrating at times for my super extroverted DH.

Thanks for saying this. I *know* he feels this way but it is so hard for me to really grasp it. But I'm glad that you hear where he is coming from, it will help me to believe it is true. Because I do think that is exactly what he was saying and truly is his hang-up.

[Melaine]

I wanted to respond to a couple others but we are going out the door. Thank you all so much for talking this through with me!!

[bcafe]

I would plan to take the kids without him. As a pp said, don't make a threat, just plan it into your day. Perhaps when he sees just how important it is to you, that it's not just words and rhetoric but sincere yearning on your part to go to church, his heart will open just a bit.

[alexmommy]

Hugs to you. It is hard going to a new church, not knowing anyone and feeling guilty for having been away. Would it be possible to ease him (and you) into the process? Can you find out if the church has any social activities, or kids activities you could go to, perhaps with another family (even better if they go to the church), so you could meet people? If you could make friends that way, perhaps church would be more comfortable. As for the children, could you arrange to visit with your parents so DH has someone to sit with? Good luck with church and little ones. We have a 1.5 yr & 3.5 yr and only go for the sermon of first service and then Sabbath School/Sunday School. On a good week we make it through the sermon without having to take either child out. And that is with bringing lots of quiet things for them.

[DietCokeLover]

It is so hard to "get back in the swing of things" when you have gotten out of the habit of going.

I think you have already received some good advice and suggestions. I would ask him what would make it easier for him. Would it be easier if he got up with DS? Would it be easier if you sat in the back so that he wouldn't feel like all eyes were on him if you got up with DS? Could you invite another couple to go with you for a week or two to help ease the transition of getting back in church? Ask him where he would want to go if it's not the same church you have in mind.

You could make plans to go without him. I am guessing that this would motivate him to go with you. Certainly not as an ultimatum, but more like this is really important to me, so I am going to go ahead and go.

Most importantly, I'd be praying that God would reignite DH's fire for Him and that he would want to be back in a church community. Your DH is a good man and a good father. I think it will eventually click with him that he will need to get over his initial discomfort so that he can lead his family in the way I know he desires.

Praying for y'all.

[Simon]

I couldn't read all the pp, but wanted to say that Dh and I are also searching for a church home and I had a few thoughts that could be helpful, maybe?

First, I do give Dh advance notice. We are attending one church and will stay through advent (maybe NYE) and then I'd like to give another one at least a one visit try in Jan. There isn't a specific date set, but Dh has been forewarned. Also, I am the major introvert so not only do I need him to come alone, but I need him to be the one who shakes hands and makes small talk for us.

Second, I am prepared to take the boys with me, alone, so they can attend religious ed. classes. I have decided it is very important to me and Dh knows this and I think it motivates him to come too. It also helps that the boys beg, literally, to go to Sunday School. I don't give him grief about things, I just make it know that this is very important to me.

I have a lot of social anxiety and a few ideas would be to suggest he come out with you if Ds needs to nurse/got to the cry room, to point out that at this time of year there are often many, many visitors to churches so he is unlikely to be noticed, and to maybe talk with him about how you/he can plan to respond to particular scenarios. Maybe he is anxious about revealing that it has been a long time since you have been regular church attendees or ?

[Ceepa]

If you feel a pull to church I would go with the kids without him, even as challenging as that may be. It might even be the nudge to get him to go along if his whole family is attending. I would give him a heads up to the schedule, when you plan to leave, when you'll return so there aren't any surprises and he can plan to come along. If he chooses to go, sit in the back, let him take DS out for a break, whatever helps DH ease back in. You want to be supportive but not pressure him.

It sounds like a church community is important to you both. I wouldn't abandon the effort.

[erosenst]

Would it help to alleviate the pressure if you told him today/tomorrow that you are planning to go to church next Sunday with the kids, and that if he wants to join you that would be great, but if not you understand?

May take some of the pressure off of both of you. In addition, if you go a few times without him, you may meet a few people so that when he *does* go, there's a less-stressful group to meet?

Not the same - but while it's important to DH that DD be raised with a strong Jewish identity, he has absolutely no intention of going to services. She and I go to the 'good' service once a month, and it's nice 'mommy and daughter' time. Yes - I'd rather he go too, and be social - but that's just not him. At least this way I know some people there now, and DD has the experience of going. (Plus I really enjoy the service once I'm there.)

Good luck -

[maestramommy]

I agree with both hillview and egoldber. My first reaction was that it's not so much about church as it is about the amount of social energy he seems to have right now, or not. he may have been so burned out while your DDs were young that right now even the thought of going anywhere social with total strangers is exhausting. It is also not unheard of for a person formally in the ministry to suddenly end up with severe and crippling anxiety (not saying this is your situation!). It happened to a friend of a friend, and it was pretty sad. Just suddenly couldn't preach anymore. He was a great preacher, but ultimately ended up working in office admin in a seminary.

Is it possible for you to sit in a spot during the adult Sunday School where you could nurse discreetly if need be? That way you don't have to get up if he gets fussy. Also, I agree with Annie maybe go to Christmas Eve where there is a lot more festivity. Sit in the back so that you can leave relatively quickly without getting tangled up in a lot of greetings. Then when/if you start going to service, do the same thing. Sit the back. Don't stay for coffee hour.

[megulis]

I don't know how old your girls are, but you could also turn this into an opportunity. I have 3 kids and sometimes my dh likes spending time with just one kid. One on one time for the kids. You could go to church and give him some time to relax and bond with one of the girls. It could become a treat! You could tell him what your feelings are about this.

"I feel that I would like to try out church once (twice/weekly) and you don't have to come if you don't want to. I would like it if you would come with me once a month (/every other week) after I have attended this church for a few months (/six months/a year?). I thought it might be nice if you had one of the girls (/baby?/all of them once in a while?)"

I wonder if that would feel less threatening to him? Is this the only church you want to try out? Maybe he wants to commit to a church once he knows it is worthwhile? Maybe he was hurt from how the other church turned out that he is not wanting to make the effort if it isn't going to work out?

[sunshine873]

We just we through this (for over 15 years.) w2 things worked for us.

1) discussing what church means to each of us andwhatwe'rehoping to get outfit.
2) coming to an agreement about DDand how we want her to be raised with a church home.
#2 is the one that did the trick. It was important to us both that DD be exposed to more than just praying at home & we knew that if we didn't start attending on a regular basis it would just get more difficult as she got older. About a year ago is when we came to that realization and decided to start hunting. We agreed to visit a church I chose for a few weeks, then a church DH chose, etc. Thankfully God led us to the right place from the start. A big, beautiful church with just enough tradition for my Catholic raised DH, yet enough of a modern spirit that we immediately felt welcomed and loved. We love the liturgy, DD loves the organ. They love kids there and have the perfect mix of kids worshipping with adults (music, some prayers, offering, communion) and then some kid-centric stuff too (children's sermon up front and then kids 3& up can go out to "children's chapel" during the sermon. DH loves it and we get a little quiet time to focus on our faith too.

Sorry, I havebeenrambling, I just wanted you to know, there's hope. I think you need to have serious discussion about what each of your goals are, relating to church and then what your goals for your kids are; what will it take to meet those goals.
& then get the plan on the calendar...good luck. I'll be praying for you.

[egoldber]

OP, I just downloaded this book to my Kindle (from the library) and thought it might help you get a better insight into how your DH thinks:

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352145/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355157600&sr=8-1&keywords=quiet

I find that it resonates so much with me and how I think and feel.

[maybeebaby08]

We're in a similiar situation here, and I would say I'm going to church this week and I'd love to go together. On Sunday get up and go even if he doesn't. You'll feel better and that's a step forward for you. Hope it works out!

[BabbyO]

DH and I are in a similar situation. We've been married for 8 years and I'm just realizing that going to church DRAINS him emotionally. DH is introverted. Being around people does not energize him as it does me.

He and I used to go regularly to church...but once the kids came it has gotten to be very infrequent. He finally just said that with all of the added stress and drain from having a family, going to church is too much for him. Esp if I have to leave to take care of one of the kids. He also gets frustrated because the kids get squirmy. We have a nursery, but DH wasn't comfortable leaving the kids down there.

Things that help us out is advance notice. If DH knows we're going he can mentally prepare. Planning to go X times/month. Going to shorter services (for us Sat night) because the kids aren't quite a squirmy...though it is usually during dinner time...that makes it a bust. I have also resolved to go without him and NOT RESENT him for it. It is ok.

[maestramommy]

OP, I just downloaded this book to my Kindle (from the library) and thought it might help you get a better insight into how your DH thinks:

Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

http://www.amazon.com/Quiet-Power-Introverts-World-Talking/dp/0307352145/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1355157600&sr=8-1&keywords=quiet

I find that it resonates so much with me and how I think and feel.

I put this on my wish list, thanks!

[gatorsmom]

I haven't read all the other replies but I wanted to offer a hug. And I wanted to offer a couple of suggestions. First, have you thought about going to different services? My family growing up always went to mass together and I wanted that for my family too but it is just too hard. So dh goes to one mass and then I go to a later mass and our older boys go with either me or DH but the twins stay home. Anytime the twins go with us to mass I spend my entire time telling them to behave and shushing them. It is just not the peaceful, quiet moment I need to pray. So DH and I go to different masses leaving the twins at home. Maybe your DH needs some time to reconnect just him and God?

The other thing I was going to suggest is having someone watch your kids for a weekend or even just a day and going to a spiritual retreat. Or maybe your husband could just use a spiritual retreat? I bet a day of focusing on God could really wake things up for him.

And I think you need to just keep looking for a good church, one you connect with. You know well that if you keep looking and praying for it, you will find it.

[okinawama]

First off, hugs OP! Second, thanks to all of you out there with great advice for those of us married to introverts!

Have you thought about attending an evening service? When growing up my family went to both the morning and evening service, and the evening service had far fewer people in attendance. Would having a smaller group of people (who, for some reason are often elderly) be less intimidating? What about coming late and leaving early (and, like my DH, leaving for the bathroom during the hand shaking/greeting part of the service) so there is less time to be approached by people.

[123LuckyMom]

I was wondering whether the church you're hoping to join has small groups. Perhaps if your DH could join a small group he could get to know a few people well in a less overwhelming atmosphere. Also it would get him back into the swing of sharing his faith life with others. Perhaps after he knows a few people well, he'll be more confident going to services knowing there'll be someone to talk to at coffee hour so he won't be mobbed by a huge group of well-meaning welcomers!

Having been a youth minister myself, I have felt serious church burn-out! I kept going only out of sheer discipline, but I was forcing myself for a good while. I knew if I stopped going it would be hard to start again. I don't know if this is where your DH is or if it really is solely an introversion issue, but I would be sympathetic either way. Still, when I first married my DH, and he would complain of being tired on Sunday mornings (he's also an introvert), I would just say, "Tired is not a reason not to go to church. Sickness, yes. Aversion, okay. Tired, no." if your DH were mine, I would push-- with understanding and empathy, but push nonetheless. It's much easier NOT to change the status quo, of course, but I'd make a plan with him on how-- not whether-- you will join a church community. I'd set a timeline and just do it.