anyone else have a SO that is pretty much never home?

[lmh2402]

i'm just so sick of it

i'm sick of the 9:30pm phone call that starts with, "how was your day?" and ends with, "see you tomorrow."

really? is it so insane to think that we could maybe have that conversation in person once in a while? i've stopped answering the phone.

my DH is not deployed as part of the military, he's not a doctor off saving a life or something, he's not the president of the free world. he's just a guy in a stupid business that is ridiculously overinflated with self-importance. seriously, why does every loan and every deal have to be "so huge and crazy!"

whatever.

meanwhile, DD is changing so fast. he sees her MAYBE 15 minutes a day. maybe. i would say out of five week days, he probably sees her on 2 or 3...for about 15 minutes.

DS he sees a bit more, usually about 30-45 min four mornings a week.

but then even on the weekends, he's glued to his blackberry and/or taking conference calls. last sunday he bailed on us and sat on calls all day while the kids and i played and then ate dinner and did bath time.

i'm grateful he has a job. especially given that his industry was so shaky for so long (and i think still is). and i'm grateful he enjoys his job. and i'm grateful that he seems to think he's going to get a great bonus. but you know what, i am certain that if given the choice, my DS would want his dad home way more than he would want some crazy bonus. i know that would be my vote.

anyway, bitch over.

[jgenie]

:hug: Sounds a lot like life over here. 15 minutes with DC on weeknights that he's home and not at all on some weeknights. No conference calls on weekends but lots of travel that begins or ends on weekends.

[LexyLou]

I'm sorry. My husband is in a similar industry.

Last week he attended DD1's Father/Daughter dance on Sunday. As soon as they got home he had to fly up to Reno. Got back the next night after the kids were asleep, left for Mexico the next day before they woke up, got home on Thursday night, then went to Napa for the day on Friday.

Already two nights this week he's been out past the girls bedtime. It's sad because they are so used to it, they don't even expect him home.

The saddest part is that 2 years ago he left his super large firm to work for a mid sized firm so he could see us more, and the truth is that he does see us more! He used to work 5+ hours more a day and every single weekend.

I hate complaining because there are worse things in life than a hard working husband, and when he's with us he's an amazing father and husband, but it does kind of suck.

[Tinochka]

I bet that it’s hard on you. You had been challenged in so many ways lately. Hoping that things are getting better with your daughter and you figuring out how to help your son. I couldn’t think straight when I was sleep deprived.
I would like to join you: my husband is not with an Army (not now), but we don’t see him for at least 4 days a week EVERY week. I am the one who is fixing things around the house, training kids to ride a bike, etc.... When he is at home, he still works. This half of the year had been crazy. I just plan things on my own, if he can join us, that’s great, if not, then I don’t have expectations. He loves his job, he is helping around the house, when he is here, but some days like today, when DS1 decided to freak out from one little thing, I feel miserable. He just told me 2 weeks ago that he is not going to be out of town for 3 weeks in January. I am hoping that it’s not going to be a new normal and I am glad that I don’t have a newborn on my hands...

[crl]

Yep. You just described our life. Big law firm here--he's a litigator. Sucks. All around sucks.

:hug:

Catherine

[Neatfreak]

Yeah. We pretty much only see DH when we go on a holiday.

[belovedgandp]

So sorry, it totally stinks. You do great doing it all for the family, but you really need your partner too.

DH has always had jags like that with big projects, but normal hours were the norm. I can handle it when it is 4-6 weeks a couple times a year. That's the way it is now and was earlier in our marriage and kid life. But he had a two year period at a different firm that almost killed me. He worked like that 20 of the 24 months he was at the position. 4th of July was on a Sunday and his director actually said, Monday may be a holiday, but Saturday and Sunday are not. Fully expecting them to work and they did. I had a c-section with DC3 and DH worked at least 50 hours the week he was supposed to be off with me and then left the country when baby was 10 days old.

Sorry, just saying, yes, it sucks. Hope you find time for yourself in that mess and love on those kids.

[AJP]

Oh, I could cry for you. Its the same way around here except my DH works 7 days. I hate his business, but its his, I'm grateful that he has a job, and its better than the hours he was working a few years ago. He sees the kids anywhere from 5-20 minutes in the morning, and only sees them after work on Sundays and Mondays when he is home between 2-4 pm. It SUCKS. No one realizes what it takes to be in this biz, and why we cherish time when he's home. I am sad for me and sadder for my kids. Luckily we can go see him there whenever we want, but that makes it harder for the kids sometimes.
I would make a rule about the Bberry and the weekends. Something has to give. I know they are doing their best to provide, but will the DC actually remember that???? Mine ask about their dad ALL DAY LONG.

[egoldber]

I'm so sorry.

A friend of mine has a DH who is a litigator and her life is like this. It is very hard on her. She pays for lots of help and get sitters so that she can go out and do book club, etc. But her DH is very much at the mercy of the client and the firm. They thought when he made partner life would be better, but not so much.

[g-mama]

I'm sorry. :( My dh works a LOT. It was worse when my kids were younger. Fortunately, in our case, it did improve when he made partner. But to say it improved still makes for a lot of long nights and work done on weekends. He'll be "off" only on Christmas Day this year, while everyone I know will have their dh home for several days, even the whole week.

It's really, really hard and I know how much harder it is when you have small kids and you're all alone. :hug:

[brittone2]

It must be tremendously hard.

I just had a really great visit with my brother. He drove up and stayed over last night. He's worked for 25 yrs for the same co., and during his busy "season" (which is really like 3/4 of the year in reality), he will put in 80-100 hr workweeks, working 6 days per week, and then taking phone calls, etc. on his day "off." He married later in life, and that didn't end well. He just got divorced about a yr ago. His work schedule was not the primary cause, but I think it affected a lot of his personal life and I do think it played a part.
His stepson was valedictorian of his class, and gave a speech about balance. My brother didn't attend, but saw the text of his speech in the paper, and I think a whole lot of things in his life came together when he read the text of the speech...it is like he's had this grand epiphany over the last few months. I think he realizes that his relationships have really suffered (romantic relationships, extended family relationships, etc.) over the years, and he wanted a change. A very close long-time friend just offered him a job, and while it is a bit less money, he'll be doing the part of his job that he enjoys the most. He excels at it. It will cut a lot of the garbage out that he doesn't like, and will open up some margin in his personal life. I never thought I'd see the day. It seems like he just has this sudden clarity about what he wants, and realizes the rat race he was in wasn't really getting him the things that mattered the most to him...we had a really fascinating conversation last night.

I know that's not an option for many people for various reasons, and there are certainly tradeoffs even for those who can intentionally choose something else. He really only has to support himself financially; no kids, etc. My DH has a job with a lot of flexibility, normal hours, lots of time off, wonderful employers....and as a family, we chose that type of job intentionally. But then we always wonder if we're saving aggressively enough for retirement, aggressively enough for college x3, possibly needing to help parents out down the road, etc...and the grass always seems a little greener on the other side.


It is a tough season of life to have him gone so much, I'm sure.

[arivecchi]

My DH is a partner at a law firm too. He used to log in 3000+ hours per year as an associate, but he drastically reduced that once DS1 was born. Now that we moved to the burbs and are much farther away from the office, he tries to work from home one or two days a week. Can your DH do that? It makes a huge difference as he is still working a lot, but at least the kids see him around, we can have dinner together, etc.

[lmh2402]

thanks for the commiseration, everyone

DH actually is a lawyer, but doesn't practice law. he's in investment banking and real estate. you know...the two industries that basically imploded in 2007. so we've been through multiple lay offs and incredibly stressful times wondering if/when/how his niche would come back online.

so i know that now that's he's got this job and his group is doing extremely well. and the bank heads are very pleased. all of this makes him feel very happy and confident and that's great

but something has to give

i've tried setting limits and rules on BB during the weekends and it does no good. he either gives lip service and then ignores, he puts up a huge fight and tells me how i don't understand. that's his go-to, "you just don't understand!!" followed by, "no one else has to put up the bullsh*t you are giving me about this" (meaning all of his other coworkers must have loving, adoring, silent wives who just don't care that their husbands are never present.)

i've also asked about working from home. he did, very begrudgingly work from home a few days following hurricane Sandy b/c he had no choice -he couldn't get in to work. and it was nice - he came down for lunch and/or for dinner and DS got to see him so much more. but he (DH) said it wasn't as productive as it needed to be and he moaned about missing meetings, etc, etc.

the week after he went back to the office following Sandy, he stayed even later than usual...not coming home until 2 or 3 instead of the typical midnight or 1.

he now, as of this morning, claims that he is working hard with HR to hire someone that will relieve some of his workload. but i'll believe when i see it.

in the meantime, this morning i came downstairs to find him sitting on the couch with DS. each of them was holding a BB - yes he has two. and DS looked up and said, "me and daddy are working hard." and i said, "seriously? you see him for all of 20 minutes and your means for interacting are to hand him a BB?!"

and about 40 seconds later, DH looked up with a totally blank look on his face and said, "did you say something? were you talking to me?"

:banghead:

[arivecchi]

I'm sorry. I'm afraid it's a choice he has to make. Trust me, my DH was a huge work addict (and still is in many respects), but something clicked at some point, and he realized he was missing out on a lot. Hope your DH comes to that same realization soon.

[edurnemk]

lmh, you're describing my marital life as well. DD is 5 months old, DH has changed ONE diaper. DH also travels every week, so he goes 3-5 days without seeing the kids and sometimes DD looks at him like she has no freakin' idea who that guy is. Some nights we skype for a few minutes, some nights it's just a quick phone call. And when he's here he's either working, answering emails at 1 freakin' am or he's so tired he falls asleep on the couch and doesn't interact much.

So, I commiserate. DH is job hunting for a more balanced job. 'Cause he's sick of this, too. But meanwhile I feel like a single mom most f the time.

[Philly Mom]

DH had a schedule like that until two weeks ago. I was getting ready for Jan-Mar. of not seeing him at all. I was not looking forward to it although after being married for 7 years, I was "used" to it. He always left before DD got up and often came home after she was in bed even during his "slow" times. He decided he didn't want to miss her anymore so he switched jobs. We are giving up a lot of money down the road, but he will be around. I work FT so this makes my life a lot easier, although now I can't "retire". He will still be traveling though. My guess is he will be gone a week or two for 4 or 5 months each year. Oddly, that will make him around A LOT more than he is now, because when he is home, he will be home. It is hard. Just know that you are not alone.

[Philly Mom]

[QUOTE=lmh2402;3675570]i've tried setting limits and rules on BB during the weekends and it does no good. he either gives lip service and then ignores, he puts up a huge fight and tells me how i don't understand. that's his go-to, "you just don't understand!!" followed by, "no one else has to put up the bullsh*t you are giving me about this" (meaning all of his other coworkers must have loving, adoring, silent wives who just don't care that their husbands are never present.)

[QUOTE]

I think that many of the guys who work in these industries really think their wives are just happy that they are making money and "supporting" the family, even when that is far from the case. When DH tried to have more of a balance, it never worked even if it was promised. When DH told them he was leaving, and leaving money on the table, many of his co-workers could not understand wanting to sacrifice money in order to be home. I know the other wives pretty well at this point and I do think that some of the wives do "like" it. They find their houses run smoother when dad is at work, and want to have a certain lifestyle. However, most do not like it, and would prefer to have their husbands around. It is a sucky situation with no good answer.

[LizLemon]

I know this is the bitching post so hopefully I'm not out of line, but it seems like the complaints are coming from people whose husbands are in finance and/or law (and litigators, not a slower-paced type of law that is less focused on billable hours). Would you honestly want your husbands to reduce work hours and/or take a slower-paced or less demanding job if that meant a significant pay reduction? Because in reality that would affect your life too - the house and town you live in, the schools your children go to, college and retirement options, etc. Not that I'm saying you want your husband to be some money-making machine who is never home, but I'm just wondering if it is an easy choice. You all would know better than me, but from friends I have in those fields it seems like long hours, high stress, etc. are the name of the game.

[crl]

I know this is the bitching post so hopefully I'm not out of line, but it seems like the complaints are coming from people whose husbands are in finance and/or law (and litigators, not a slower-paced type of law that is less focused on billable hours). Would you honestly want your husbands to reduce work hours and/or take a slower-paced or less demanding job if that meant a significant pay reduction? Because in reality that would affect your life too - the house and town you live in, the schools your children go to, college and retirement options, etc. Not that I'm saying you want your husband to be some money-making machine who is never home, but I'm just wondering if it is an easy choice. You all would know better than me, but from friends I have in those fields it seems like long hours, high stress, etc. are the name of the game.

Me? Yes. We have lived with less money before and could again. But dh has a variety of reasons for staying where he is. And I prefer staying married to him to leaving him. So, this is reality for me. At least for now. And while I don't complain about it to anyone on a regular basis, I think it is very fair to say that it sucks in many ways.

Catherine

[LizLemon]

Me? Yes. We have lived with less money before and could again. But dh has a variety of reasons for staying where he is. And I prefer staying married to him to leaving him. So, this is reality for me. At least for now. And while I don't complain about it to anyone on a regular basis, I think it is very fair to say that it sucks in many ways.

Catherine

I'm not saying that you don't have a right to complain or that it doesn't suck, it was more just a hypothetical question, perhaps getting started along a path when you were younger and finding it's not really all it's cracked up to be (that's my situation anyway). I can empathize with feeling stuck, not sure if that's you or not.

[queenmama]

My DH works 12-hour shifts, usually 5 or 6 a week. It's especially difficult now, with him on night shift, because even on his "days off" he isn't present since he has to catch up on sleep.

ETA: not a high-powered/earning, fast paced job at all! He also commutes, which sucks more of our time together.

I do literally everything around here... Every meal for the kids (well, DD is EBF so that goes without saying), every diaper change, every homework assignment of DS' that needs help or test that needs preparation, every load of laundry... I truly hate to complain (and I don't, to friends or family) because it's not like he's deceased like my BF's DH or off fighting a war like my BIL with 3 kids... he is around and he's safe, but it does feel a bit like single parenting and it is exhausting and depressing sometimes.

Lara

[essnce629]

Yes! Another lawyer spouse over here as well and I've wrote a BP about it in the past.


DBF is a third year associate and I estimate that he spends 90-100 hours a week working. 80+ hours during the week and another 10+ hours on the weekend. He sees the kids for literally 30 seconds in the mornings on weekdays (as he walks from our bedroom out the front door and says bye) and spends a few hours during the day with us on weekdays. On weekends, he usually works from home (in the garage) all morning and then after dinner till he goes to bed at 1am or so. It's 10pm right now and he's still not home. I only get to see him at night since I'm a night owl and I'm always up when he comes home at midnight or so. So we usually stay up till around 1am watching a show or something.

What sucks the most though is that all my family and friends are two hours away in San Diego so I don't have anyone around to help out. If we lived in San Diego, or my mom lived up here, it would be 100 times easier. My mom just spent a week here with us after Thanksgiving and was a HUGE help with doing laundry, entertaining the kids, helping with dinner, and going with me to all their many activities.

It really affects the kids, especially DS1 who is 9 years old and really needs his dad right now. He often cries because he never gets to see him. DS2 (3 years old) told me the other day that when he grows up he doesn't want to work because if he does he'll never get to come home. Breaks my heart. DS1 has stated many times that he does NOT want to be a lawyer when he grows up. Over the summer, DS1 won the "Male Swimmer of the Year" award at his swim team party and DBF, who was supposed to be there, called last minute and said he had too much work and wouldn't be able to make it. DS1 was really upset about that and was crying in the car afterwards. DS1 will be 10 next year and soon won't want to hang out with his dad, so DBF is really missing out right now. I feel like I can't have a life either (there's no way I could work as a birth doula) because everything falls on me 100% of the time.

I've talked to the wife of the partner DBF works for and she said her DH still works insane hours (more than DBF). She been dealing with it for 10+ years and feels the same way as I do and she said it really affects their relationship. She is also far away from any friends and family and does everything herself for their kids who are 8 and 10.

[niccig]

I know this is the bitching post so hopefully I'm not out of line, but it seems like the complaints are coming from people whose husbands are in finance and/or law (and litigators, not a slower-paced type of law that is less focused on billable hours). Would you honestly want your husbands to reduce work hours and/or take a slower-paced or less demanding job if that meant a significant pay reduction? Because in reality that would affect your life too - the house and town you live in, the schools your children go to, college and retirement options, etc. Not that I'm saying you want your husband to be some money-making machine who is never home, but I'm just wondering if it is an easy choice. You all would know better than me, but from friends I have in those fields it seems like long hours, high stress, etc. are the name of the game.


I'd add that it's not just the money that keeps them in a high-work hours job, it's also the quality of the work.

DH's work can be like this, but it comes/goes in waves depending on the project. One guy was top of the industry, got all the projects. He left to work a union job at one of the studios, pay cut and hours cut. For him it was the work-life balance that drove the decision. He likes being home more, but he does miss the quality of projects. Doesn't miss it enough to want to do those hours anymore though.

My DH is in similar position. He got a new job, money is a little less, hours are a little better, projects aren't as good. I asked DH if he missed it, he said yes and no, but he likes being home at 8pm to put DS to bed. They get the mornings as DH does drop off and 1 hour in the evenings, rarely weekend work anymore.

I think a difference may be that DH and friends are older, they've been doing this week for 20 yrs and well, they're done with the crazy hours and willing to let someone else who's hungrier for the work do it. They're not in finance/law, in the entertainment industry.

[gatorsmom]

I know this is the bitching post so hopefully I'm not out of line, but it seems like the complaints are coming from people whose husbands are in finance and/or law (and litigators, not a slower-paced type of law that is less focused on billable hours). Would you honestly want your husbands to reduce work hours and/or take a slower-paced or less demanding job if that meant a significant pay reduction? Because in reality that would affect your life too - the house and town you live in, the schools your children go to, college and retirement options, etc. Not that I'm saying you want your husband to be some money-making machine who is never home, but I'm just wondering if it is an easy choice. You all would know better than me, but from friends I have in those fields it seems like long hours, high stress, etc. are the name of the game.

Yes. My DH is an entrepreneur. He is a work-aholic who will never quit. It's in his DNA- his father, grandfather and sister are all very similar. His mind never quits. And when I suggest taking the easier route, or holding off on some scheme he's mulling over, he finds a way around me to do it. For example, we are in the process of building a house that I never wanted to build. There are so many things going on right now in our lives that I SHOULD be focusing on and instead I'm busy choosing countertop colors. I try to get excited about it but it is so much work, and so much stress, that I can't. I should be focusing on my kids right now, particularly Greenbean who is really having a hard time potty training and in his social interactions, not to mention his SPD, but I'm running myself ragged instead checking on the contractors while DH is out of town selling his widgits. We've been in this town for 2 years and I still don't feel settled. I really wanted to just buy a house and make some renovations to it after we were comfortable. But no, DH said he wanted to build. He fought me, wore me down and promised me I wouldn't have much to do (what a crock). The man never stops. On top of all the business deals he has going on this week, he is pouring cement floors HIMSELF in our new house. It's nuts around here and I"d like some peace.

What good is having the money when quality of life is suffering?

OP, I'm so sorry your DH is not there for you. You have had to put up with so much from so many people, big and small. I'm praying for you often. And hoping your DH sees soon what he's missing. :hug:

[arivecchi]

thanks for the commiseration, everyone

DH actually is a lawyer, but doesn't practice law. he's in investment banking and real estate. you know...the two industries that basically imploded in 2007. so we've been through multiple lay offs and incredibly stressful times wondering if/when/how his niche would come back online.

I get that he feels a lot of pressure given his job volatility. BTDT. I work in the same industry and most of my banker clients work from home at times. It's definitely not frowned upon like it was in the past - especially if they travel a lot. My company really makes a huge deal about work flexibility - which is great.


I know this is the bitching post so hopefully I'm not out of line, but it seems like the complaints are coming from people whose husbands are in finance and/or law (and litigators, not a slower-paced type of law that is less focused on billable hours). Would you honestly want your husbands to reduce work hours and/or take a slower-paced or less demanding job if that meant a significant pay reduction?
I would not care if my DH took a less stressful job with less pay since I work as well and make a good living on my own, but it is not my call. It is his and he will not leave his job unless he finds something that is more rewarding to him personally. Having a high-stress/long hours job is not ideal, but many of these people are type-A folks who would gravitate to a super challenging/tough job anyway - I know my DH would. He will never be the 9-5 guy and since he makes time for the family, I am ok with that. Of course, I cannot speak for OP, who may feel differently.

[Pennylane]

I do. My DH travels every week and is only off Sunday. I do EVERYTHING at home ! It is exhausting sometimes, but especially this time of year. I try not to complain too much as I know it can't be helped. I just feel awful about how much he misses and I know sometimes he feels like we don't need him, other than to provide the income. Which is so not true! We have established certain rules over the years like not walking in the door on your phone, no calls on Sunday,no calls during dinner, etc.

Hope it gets better for you soon!

Ann

[sntm]

I'm the physician, but DSO is in sales and is gone 1-4 nights a week. I was a single mom for a few years, so I'm kind I used to it, but it's hard with a baby.

[LexyLou]

You have no idea how much I have tried to convince DH to leave the industry he is in.

It was actually a HUGE deal when he left his other firm to go to the firm. We do see him A TON more than we did before. So it is a huge improvement.

This is just who my DH is. He's a hard worker. Like I said before, there are worse things in life than having a hard working husband, but I miss him. My girls miss him.

Do I like the income he brings home? Sure. But honestly, while he makes really good money, it's not even close to many of our friends and neighbors who are making close to if not more than a 7 figure income.

So it's not even like we are millionaires, and we don't see him. I guess his hope is that in the next 5 years we will be.

I could care less. I read somewhere that we all have a set level of happiness/contentedness in us and while certain things (like money) can give you things and temporary happiness, if can't really truly make you a happier person.

I would gladly take a smaller income, and move to a lower cost area, and see my hubby more.

[buddyleebaby]

My DH is away for 3-4 days/nights at a time. Not ideal but not nearly as hard as it once was.

The difference, though, is that when he *is* home, he is 100% there, a helpful partner and an involved dad. Today we went together to Dd1's school play, he is cleaning the playroom with the older two, and later he is taking everyone out for ice cream. It is hard for the kids when he is away- probably harder than it is for me, and it would be frustrating and heartbreaking if he didn't take advantage of the time he does have with them- for everyone involved.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. :hug:

[Indianamom2]

I'm sorry. Though never to quite that extent, Dh used to work for a large law firm and his hours were not conducive to family life. After DD was born, we expected it to get better, but it didn't and he eventually decided he would rather find a different job/type of work than miss out on his children's lives.

He is not a trust officer/vp at a local bank and gets off of work at 5 pm every evening. We can all eat dinner together. We're all so much less stressed and much more happy, despite the 33% pay cut.

I wouldn't be ok with the kind of hours you describe, especially with the special issues that you are facing. But I know how scary and hard it is to make a big change.:hug:

[kijip]

I am really fortunate in this area, in part because my husband chose family time over money and we are totally fine with him making less.

However this year I am getting a tiny taste of not seeing much of him. He went FROM PT work for insurance reasons + school TO FT work with whatever overtime is available + while he is studying all the time as well. We do usually see him for dinner but he is a meticulous student who has ADD and is not the worlds fastest reader despite being extremely smart so he literally has to say goodbye right away and either go to the library to study (thankfully open very late) or hole up in the office with a DND rule for the kids. It's a big change for all of us and the kids notice but we can manage because I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and because I can't be anything but supportive of the effort he is making and the success he is having professionally and academically. His employer is helping foot the bill and he will be able to transfer to a different department with them when he graduates so it's nice to know he has a job when he is done. But the short time he has with the kids he is fully present with the kids. He finds a little more time on the weekends to help T with Spanish and art and give him feedback on piano and when his school is on break he basically cocoons himself with us and reads ahead for the the next quarter only when the kids are asleep. Some of the longer stretches of time we get as a couple are me helping him study- quizzing him, flashcards etc. So very not romantic.

[kijip]

I could care less. I read somewhere that we all have a set level of happiness/contentedness in us and while certain things (like money) can give you things and temporary happiness, if can't really truly make you a happier person.

I would gladly take a smaller income, and move to a lower cost area, and see my hubby more.

I was pretty surprised to learn that the
income point at which people tend to be as unhappy or as happy as others is quite low. Provided folks know where their next meal is coming from and that they have sufficient shelter and are able to make modest ends meet each month, the rates of personal happiness do not seem to climb with more money. It was awhile ago I read up on it but when I did, for families of 3 or more the amount of income at which they became on average as happy as others was about 10,000 per year per family member. It's a cliche but money statistically does not buy happiness. Having been dirt poor to pretty well off, I can see that playing out in my life. Once I didn't have to worry about buying basics (age 17 when I moved out), there was certainly an upswing in my sense of happiness (id wager due to less stress and anxiety about food and such) but at everything from tight budget student to double income with a larger than average amount of cushion, I have not been happier or sadder with income fluctuations. Our income is less this year than before and I am no less happy and in some ways a touch happier because I am have a much simpler schedule now than before.

[westwoodmom04]

To me, another important question is how does dh like his job? I used to work in big law firms (pre-kids) and worked very crazy hours. I stuck with it for quite awhile because I really liked my job (despite the sacrifices required), but I ultimately quit because it wasn't doable for me once I had kids. My husband is in medicine, and while his hours are pretty good on weekdays (usually home between 6:30 and 7), the nature of his job requires him to go in to work both weekday mornings to see patients, and there are frequently emergency surgeries during off hours when he is on call. However, he absolutely loves his job, and I know there will never be a lifestyle change. He does spend a lot of quality time with the kids when he is home, but I can no longer count the times of cancelled plans with friends, or attended events by myself. My kids are older (5 and 7) but I remember very well how hard the early years were. Also, I have worked for a bit, but have found it to be near impossible, given that I have to do pretty much all the chores at home, handle financial matters and the kids. I sometimes am envious of families where the husband works "only" nine to five, but am fortunate to know a lot of moms with doctor husbands to commesurate with.

So, does he do because he loves his job or just for the money/security? Change is probably only possible if its the later and you are all willing to make a lifestyle change.

[glbb35]

The question of whether he likes his job or not is an important one for sure. When DS was born, just weeks after, DH was sent to a job in TX (we live on the East Coast). We knew the travel was bound to happen and we knew we had to pay our dues, it was just really hard having a baby and then all of a sudden accentually being a single mom. I complained as it was hard (or at least I thought so until I had multiple children :)) but then DH got a great job opportunity clear across the country in CA. I went a solid 6 weeks without him and realized this was not going to work. I grew up in this, my father in the military and we went months without seeing him all the time. We were lucky that we were able to fly out and see DH more by being there. We just couldn't afford to live there. After a miscarriage and missing so much of the first 2 years of DS # 1's life, DH knew we couldn't do this forever. He did switch jobs and right after he moved back home for good, and 2 weeks after he started his new job, DS#2 came early and changed everything again. So DH was in the state and even living in my house :) but he was so new to his job he couldn't be around much even when DS2 was in the NICU. I understood as we needed the job he had and he did like it. But the first two years were very long for me and he worked so many hours and weekends. I took a lot of comfort in knowing others go through so much more than I was and we got into the swing and made it happen.

Now he has been in his job a while. We have had layoffs all around and potential moves. I work from home and my business is more than struggling as well. We are down 60% and if things don't improve in the new year I don't know what we will do. We have lived on less in the past but of course we didn't have kids or as many kids as we do have. I don't think we could drop significantly in salary, honestly. t am thankful we both have jobs but of course all the raises and promises are gone with the fallout of the economy and while we are living fine now I am still scared. DH works hard at his job but now that he his home more we have the opposite effect. HE is often piddling around or just on his computer or deliberately stretches work into the weekends ( I swear he does). I swear I just wish he would every now and then ask me if I need anything b/c he is here more. Traveling so many years spoiled him and now I have to undo all that! Ha! But I try to be thankful we both have jobs but I will tell you after the day I have had today I am ready to have him travel again so he can get out of the house and I can do the things my way the way I used to. :)

I do feel for you and can understand on some level. It is hard on kids especially then they go through those " needing daddy" times. Good luck to you and I hope you guys can find a happy medium. Until then bit** away!!!! :)

B

DS 03, 06, twins 09, 11