Is everyone telling the kids?

[megs4413]

I'm sorry if this has been covered already. Has everyone decided to tell their school-aged children about the incident friday? Mine are completely unaware and I really am not planning on filling them in...they're on break right now from school and won't be back until January. Is anyone else in my situation (where your children haven't found out on their own and probably won't) choosing not to tell? Is anyone in my situation proactively telling? I'm trying to decide what I think I ought to do here. Both of my kids struggle with anxiety. TIA!

[citymama]

We haven't and don't have plans to *unless* we learn that she has heard talk at school or the school advises parents to talk to all the kids. DD1 is 6 and a half and hasn't heard anything about this yet. I don't see a good reason to tell her.

[brittone2]

I'm sorry if this has been covered already. Has everyone decided to tell their school-aged children about the incident friday? Mine are completely unaware and I really am not planning on filling them in...they're on break right now from school and won't be back until January. Is anyone else in my situation (where your children haven't found out on their own and probably won't) choosing not to tell? Is anyone in my situation proactively telling? I'm trying to decide what I think I ought to do here. Both of my kids struggle with anxiety. TIA!
I am not. I have shut off the tv, etc. when things come on. We HS, and so they aren't hearing about it at school. If our neighbors told them anything, we'd talk about it, but we've been busy, busy, busy and I don't think they are going to hear about it from the neighbors.

DD is too young IMO...she's 6 and Kindy aged.

DS1 can get anxious over things like that, and I see no reason to give him the info right now. If he found out, I'd give him a simplified version with minimal detail.

In our case, they don't watch a lot of TV, don't attend school, etc. and I see no reason to tell them. If DS1 was slightly older and/or in school, I would.

[maestramommy]

Nope. I am waiting to see what happens when Dora gets home today, but we had a 2 hour delay due to weather so Laurel and Arwyn had no school. Both Arwyn and Dora have lately been having some low level anxiety about random stuff like mountain lions, grizzly bears, and "bad guys." The lions and bears are probably due to seeing them at a nature center pretty close up. But the bad guys thing is out of nowhere for me. They know we lock up, that we have an alarm system, and that we have motion detectors that beep when someone comes up the driveway. Lately they've been asking a lot of questions about where bad guys live, what happens if they try to come in. I don't know where it comes from but the fact that it comes up semi-regularly means it's on their minds. So unless my our hands are forced we have no intention of telling them anything. I did give their teachers a heads up about our decision so that they will understand and know what to do if it comes up in class and our kids look surprised, confused, or upset.

The TV is almost never on (only for DVDs) and we haven't turned on npr all weekend.

[mommylamb]

We haven't said anything to DS1, and won't unless he brings it up. I got emails from the county and the school over the weekend saying that there would be police stationed at all the schools today, so I did tell him to expect to see police officers today. He asked why, and I said they were there to just show how they could keep everyone safe, and he didn't ask any other questions. He did ask this morning why the flag at his before/after care place was at half mast, but I didn't really answer the question.

We'll see what happens when he gets home from school today. I'm sure someone in his class probably knows, so I'm expecting that he might ask something.

[wendibird22]

Not planning to say anything to DD1 who is 5yo and in K. I had a house full of adults over yesterday for DD2s birthday and managed to keep the adults from talking about it at all and I so hope that she doesn't hear about it on the bus or at school. If she does we'll address it.

[hillview]

Nope not telling DSs (5 and 7). DS1 is in a mixed age class with 6-9 year olds. Anxious to hear if it came up today.

[Simon]

I am not telling Ds1 and I really hope no one else shares the news. He is a sensitive/anxious sort and going to school is often stressful/anxiety provoking without introducing the idea that it might not be safe.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Didn't say anything to 10yo or 5yo. I don't expect them to hear about it but if they do, we'll talk.

[hellokitty]

This isn't really something I had planned to discuss with my 7 and almost 9 yr old voluntarily. I think that they are too young to really understand and my 9 yr old would become very anxious over it. However, I also realize that some kids at school will probably say something about it and then my kids will come home and talk/ask us about it. If so, we will sit down and have a talk about it. Right now, I am still feeling really emotional about this, so if I talk about it with my kids, I will probably start crying and I don't really want them to see that.

[pastrygirl]

I wasn't going to, but I knew that it would be mentioned at church so I told him ahead of that. He's not an anxious kid and also isn't the type to repeat or talk about it again with anyone but me. Our priest sometimes puts things very bluntly so I wanted to make sure I talked about it gently (he always mentions people getting trampled to death on BF, stuff like that). In the end, he barely mentioned it, so I didn't really need to tell my son after all.

[crl]

You might find this thread relevant.

http://windsorpeak.com/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=449149

Catherine

[khalloc]

My DD is 7. She is in 1st grade. We dont really watch the news on TV at home and I dont think she will find out. Unless its discussed at school, which I hope its not. I dont plan on talking to her about it. She is already giving us a tough time about going to school every day (says she misses us). So finding out about this isnt going to help.

[niccig]

I did. I think there's a good chance other kids will mention it and we were told the teachers would deal with any questions sensitively. So, I went ahead and explained what happened. DS didn't have any question at the time but I asked later if he had any questions and he asked "why would someone do that?" and I explained briefly about mental illness and again said very rare for this to happen and his school may talk about safety issues with them.

I'm glad I was able to answer the "why" question and not someone else.

DS is in 2nd grade. If he had been younger, I wouldn't have said anything I think.

[GaPeach_in_Ca]

My son is in 3rd and we haven't said anything. I don't think kids will be talking about it at school. My friend did tell her son, who is also in 3rd grade at the same school, so perhaps they might.

We'll see.

[KHF]

I'm not saying anything to either of my kids. DD is 7 and in first grade. DS is almost 4, so no need there. If DD hears about it at school and asks I'll talk to her. She's home sick with me today though, so no worries. We're just avoiding TV shows that might discuss it while the kids are awake.

[Moneypenny]

We did tell DD, although we left out most of the details, of course. I'm glad we told her because the ladies in front of us in line at Starbucks on Saturday were talking about it. I don't know how I could have kept it from her completely and I wanted her to first hear it from DH and I instead of the ladies in line at Starbucks.

[Tondi G]

I talked to my boys. I assumed my middle schooler would hear about it sooner than later. Since older brother knew I figured my 7 year old should have a brief overview of the situation in case there was discussion in carpool (with the middle schoolers), didn't want him to be completely in the dark and trying to piece info together on his own. I explained that a very sick young man with mental problems had gone to a school with guns and had killed a classoom of Kindergarteners and then killed himself. He said wow and then didn't seem to give it another thought. I guess the fact that the tv was on in front of him was enough of a distraction. He hasn't asked any questions. I am leaving it alone.

[georgiegirl]

I haven't said anything. If she hears something at school today (or this week), I will talk to her about it. She is 6.5 and in first grade. She's already a big worrier, and the last thing I want is for her to be afraid of going to school.

[kdeunc]

My boys are 10 and 8. We were out Saturday and DS1 asked why the flags were at half-staff. I told him the basics, there was a shooting at a school and the number dead when he asked. His comment was that guns are supposed to be for war. :( We did not discuss it any more but I am waiting to see what they have heard today at school. At this point I really can't talk about it without tearing up and I don't want to scare them more but there were police at the school this morning (all around our county not just ours) and I feel certain that there was talk. I will discuss it as they ask about it.

[essnce629]

We chose not to tell DS1 (9 yrs old). I don't think his friends will be talking about it, as the only thing that ever comes out of their mouths has to do with video games, Legos, or Pokemon! His school is small and I drive him so we decided to wait and see. If he brings it up we'll talk about it, but as of now he doesn't know anything and we haven't had the news or radio on in his presence. He's also not allowed on the computer right now, which is how other kids have found out I've heard. We got an email from his school this morning saying the teachers would NOT be bringing it up in class.

[AnnieW625]

We haven't and don't have plans to *unless* we learn that she has heard talk at school or the school advises parents to talk to all the kids. DD1 is 6 and a half and hasn't heard anything about this yet. I don't see a good reason to tell her.

this is us as well. However if she were even a year older and that much closer to 8 yrs. old I probably would have told her.

[KpbS]

No, and I emailed our teachers. Preschool isn't mentioning anything whatsoever. 2nd grade is only addressing it individually if a student brings it up and reassuring the kids that God is in control. Our principal will not be addressing the student body but has discussed the matter with the teachers extensively.

[squimp]

I told my 9-year-old. I know her friends' parents, someone will have talked about this. Many of them have older sisters who are very aware of the world. I wanted her to learn about it from me. I didn't say much but did want to make sure she could talk to me if she needed later. I did learn from her how they do the lockdown drills. It makes me so sad that our kids have to deal with this stuff.

[sste]

No. No way. Our kids won't hear about it elsewhere (we don't have tv, just roku and the preschool won't mention it). Last week, DS was asking me so worriedly why they put wolves and bison together on a wild life preserve - - "aren't they worried about the eating situation?" I can't even begin to figure out how I would explain this to him . . .

[crl]

As I just posted elsewhere, I am glad I told ds as they discussed it in class today. He came home with details I had not given him.

Catherine

[wendmatt]

Yes I told DD (10) and we discussed safety. Did not perturb her.

[sarahsthreads]

No. I didn't. I did ask my 3rd grader when she got off the bus if they had discussed anything at school today that had to do with current events and she said, "Huh? I don't think so." So I'm assuming (based on her tendency towards anxiety and how I imagine this would affect her) that they didn't say anything to the class as a whole.

We don't watch TV news. We get the newspaper, but they largely ignore every bit of it except the comics. (And horrific headlines are generally facedown on the table. Not exactly hidden, just not in plain sight.) The kids' media is pretty strictly controlled. Not just because of this, but because in general they don't need to know just how terrible the world can be at this point in their lives.

My mom thinks that my kids should know, because they might be able to react more calmly in a crisis if they were more "worldly", but here's the thing...I can't imagine how much you'd have to destroy their innocent little worlds to make them immune to the terror of having someone go on a shooting rampage in their schools.

DH thinks they could handle it (well, more DD1 than DD2) but is respecting that I don't want them to worry or think about this. They're still bursting into tears randomly and often over our dog that passed two months ago.

If it comes up, if they hear something that they're worried about, we'll discuss it then.

I don't know if it's the right decision. But I believe that's the only constant of parenting - that no matter what decision you make, it's probably the wrong one!

Sarah

[maestramommy]

I found out from Dora's 1st grade teacher that the staff were advised not to discuss unless it was brought up. She said a few kids started talking to her as soon as they came in so she guessed they were talking about it on the bus. All she said was, "you're right, it's very sad." Then the kids who overheard and didn't know asked, "what's sad?" to which she replied, "something your parents may talk with you about, or they may choose not to." She then changed the subject and no one brought it up for the rest of the day. I am very relieved, but will be keeping my ear out in case it comes up on the playground this week.

[arivecchi]

No. My oldest is only 6 and in kindy. It was not discussed at school today.

[amldaley]

Our county sent out a notice that it would address it in the classrooms with children over the age of 7 and the kids under 7 who are not otherwise exposed to it are perfectly fine to be left in their protective bubble.

That said, they failed to address young kids with older siblings.

Consequently, there were a number of kids who either heard about it for the first time when they went to school today and/or heard about it soon after from their older siblings.

I think with your kids ages, OP, unfortunately, you probably will need to address it at some point.

I am leaving my 4 yo in her state of unawareness.

[SASM]

NO...we are not telling them unless they ask. IMO, there is no need to scare them into thinking they are unsafe at school. I do not think there is a lesson to be learned at my children's ages.

[boogiemom]

11 and 7-yr. olds here. Wasn't sure how much I would say until our priest referred to it during Mass. We did discuss it as a family thereafter. I used the time to also discuss the importance of immediate, no questions-asked compliance with teachers/school staff during emergency situations. My boys tend to like to know the why of everything so I reminded them that an emergency situation is not the time for discussion. Both of my boys were surprisingly open and accepting of the conversation.

[ett]

We have not mentioned it to either child. We were going to talk to DS1 about it yesterday, but we had a dinner event, bedtime was running late, and ran out of time. I was a bit anxious about how he would react if he heard about it in class today, but it didn't come up. The teacher emailed us mid-day saying that they will not bring it up in class and she didn't hear any mention of it among the kids at indoor recess. DS1 has some anxiety issues and I would rather him not hear of it at all.

[Melbel]

I did discuss the tragedy with both my DS (12) and DD1 (11), both of whom also heard information from friends over the last coupe days. DD1 also mentioned that she heard something on the radio (a music station, but there was commentary when someone from CT called it). We do not plan to discuss with DD2 (4) unless it comes up.

[justlearning]

We attended a party with our kids on Fri. night with lots of adults and older kids, so DH and I thought that we should tell our kids (ages 7 and 9) before the party in case they overheard discussion of the day's events. We didn't give much detail (didn't refer to number or ages of victims) and emphasized how their school does a lot to keep kids safe. (They're aware of those measures--everyone has to be buzzed in to enter any part of the building, there are two armed security officers who walk around the classrooms/campus daily who they know the names of, etc.). They both took it fine.

[wencit]

DS1 is 6 1/2 and in first grade. We chose not to discuss it with him and have kept him sheltered from all media for the past several days. I asked him a few vague questions after school to glean any info as to whether they discussed it in class, and I don't think he knows anything. I hope it stays that way.

[ladysoapmaker]

We had told our older children (16, 12, 9) at levels they understand. Today at dinner we discussed it briefly because DD#1 was having trouble articulating her feelings. I asked if she was confused and she said yes. I told her it was okay to be confused scared and upset. And that she was safe in school and a similar incident was very unlikely to occur at her school. And then they (DS#2 and DD#1) asked what about if something happened like that at home. And so we discussed ways to stay safe and to get out or hide if something happened. Then I segwayed into general disaster preparedness and how we plan for bad things to happen hoping they don't using specifics of winter storms and the derecho from this summer as examples. I could tell they were thinking and ended up more relaxed by the end of conversation.

DD#2 we haven't told. The older kids are not to tell her. She had left the table during the above conversation. I want her to stay in her innocent little bubble a while longer.

Jen