Just in case anyone else's kids do this-- my DC's response

[California]

Self-calming right now via BBB! I have a masters in education, brought art therapy to abused kids, and have worked with children my whole adult life and I still almost completely blew it. In case it happens to anyone else thought I'd share.

DS saw a headline about Sandy Hook today and started asking questions. DDs were there listening. I was able to stay very calm and keep it brief. They asked a few questions and briefly discussed with each other how the 20-year-old must have been very mentally ill to do this.

And then-

Then they got out their stuffed animals and acted out what might have happened during the shooting.

Oh my! All my training flew out the window and I started getting really, really uncomfortable. In the past, I have encouraged kids to use their dolls or puppets to process traumatic events. Not really surprising that my own three would use that technique for this. But- it overwhelmed me. I have so much unresolved grief of my own. Add to that the whole concept of them imagining a shooting... I had to leave the room.

It is completely normal for kids to use imaginary play to work through something that upsets them. So, just an FYI-- if you overhear your kids doing this, it's normal and it can be very healthy. Which I reminded myself about 100 times in a row. Fortunately they only did this for about five minutes and then they were done. Hopefully it helped them work through it. I would not be at all surprised to hear it pop up again, though.

It is also normal for a kid to:
- not seem to care much about it, to seem to be indifferent
- to be mostly interested in themselves and their own safety, especially for little ones
- to need time to think it over and then bring it up again at unexpected times
- to work through their concerns in seemingly unrelated ways- if you see a change in behavior that is odd for them, it may be that they are working through it in a nonverbal way

You may be expecting your kids to be very sad or scared and they may not react that way at all. And that is OK.

If you think your kid is concerned, free-form art work such as painting, collage or working with clay can help them work through their feelings. You don't need to bring up what happened again-- just introduce it as an art project and encourage them to draw/mold however they like.

And... make believe play with puppets and stuffed animals is a safe way for kids to work through things that concern them. For some kids, a puppet can say things that a child may be thinking but doesn't feel safe expressing directly.

Hope that helps another parent out there. I'd prepared myself to stay calm and open minded to their responses. And this still nearly overwhelmed me.

[TwinFoxes]

Thanks for sharing your experience.

[Dcclerk]

Very helpful insight. Thanks so much for the head's up on what to possibly anticipate.

[Fairy]

I've been a bit of a basket case since it happened. DS was not in school today cuz he is sick, and I'm having enormous anxiety about sending him tomorrow and ridiculously praying for a fever in the morning. But this post has been very very helpful. Today I broached the subject and asked him if he ever has special drills at school. He talked aobut fire and code red drills. I asked what he does in a fire drill. Blah blah blah, then the code red ... what does he do in a code red drill. He told me, and I probed a little bit to see what he knew aobut the danger and what the danger was (he's 8, 2nd grade), and he said that the danger is from people who shouldn't be ther ethat want to hurt you, probably with a gun, so you have to hide. I said, ok, and then one minute later he started in with his Invisible Friends Land (he's the king) and called for a Code Red on his make believe watch communicator and told them that this is a code red, hide from the bad guy.

I wanted to cry. but I stayed calm and let it fizzle out when he suddenly got interested in something else (we were in the car).

So, this post was very very very helpful for me. I really appreciate it.

[Melaine]

Oh thank you for posting. I am hoping to avoid any questions about this from my girls (they are 6). We homeschool and although they do have classes we are on break until January. We did hear about it at a church function on Saturday but only in the most broad terminology that didn't even pique their interest, fortunately. Also prayed together with family on Sunday but don't think they really got anything as terms were very child-friendly. Still, I know these conversations will happen in the future and your advice is really helpful.

[wendibird22]

Great great post. Thank you OP.

[maylips]

Appreciate this. My kids don't know anything but with the news on, I'm afraid they'll overhear something and ask. Knowing what NOT to freak about it is really helpful.

[egoldber]

Yes, the pretend play is normal, but very distressing as a parent to hear. :(

When our second child died as a result of a birth accident at full term, my older DD played "dead baby sister" with her dolls for some time. It was horrendously heart wrenching and I had to warn other moms when she went on playdates so they didn't freak out.

[KDsMommy]

Thank you OP, this is very insightful.

[Multimama]

Thank you for writing this. It's very helpful information.