Social Strategies (prognosis?) for non-sporty, sensitive boy

[sste]

We recently had DS's fifth birthday party and it was clear to me that DS was a bit out of step with the other little boys there. So far, knock on wood, no social problems and kids genuinely seem to like DS and some even gravitate to him. We have always gotten great reports about him socially from his teachers and play date invites this year, etc.

But I noticed that the boys were already sort of play fighting, talking about sports, violence, accidents, etc. Despite the fact that I am practically a tv sports widow, DS has no interest and when DH asks if he wants to watch or play a sport, DS says calmly, "I am not interested in that" and proceeds to haul out a book about ice age tigers or similar. His coordination has improved dramatically but he looked horrified when we asked him about team sports. I hung up his jedi training certificate on his door from disney and DS said worriedly, "Do I have to be a jedi now when I grow up? I want to be a paleontologist. Jedis, they always have to be on the attack." DS also screens all of his library books for too much violence "this is too intense" and loves travel, science, and natural history.

Let me be clear we think DS is perfect and a riot! But I am wondering how this plays out and whether parents of slightly older kids have suggestions for activities (scouts? science class? other?)? Did you make your child try a team sport?

[hellokitty]

DS1 is almost 9 (3rd grade) and sounds very similar. He's not interested in sports and is just interested in what he's interested (usually science topics). I've always been worried about him socially. He doesn't have close friends at school, but his teachers have always said that he gets along well with his classmates and at school, other kids always say, 'hi' to him and seem to like him. I have found that he is a little bit of a loner, but seems to be ok with it. He just wants to focus on his own interests and marches to his own beat. I'm actually a little bit relieved that he doesn't seem to bend to peer pressure much. He is in cub scouts, martial arts and chess club and we also go to lego club at the library when we can make it.

[ahisma]

Nothing in your post seems bothersome to me. My DS1 is quite similar. He did try soccer but clearly has no interest in the game itself and spent a great deal of time chatting, oblivious to the ball. He has zero interest in Star Wars or Ninjago. His activities are: violin, boys' ballet, Odyssey of the Mind. He has many friends and is very social. He avoids football games on the playground like the plague, but is not at a loss for kids to play with. I spend a fair bit of time at the school (heavy volunteer expectations) - he is doing well socially. When he wants to do something, he just does it. If friends join, great - but he's happy still if they don't.

It sounds like your DS knows what he likes and is comfortable with that - a sign of maturity IMO.

[egoldber]

He just needs to find his peer group. There are plenty of kids like him.

Making sure he's at least a little bit literate in some of the popular boy stuff in elementary school will be helpful socially, but he doesn't have to be a soccer player to have friends and be happy. And I certainly wouldn't push it now, because that will only be anxiety provoking for him. I would just let him be for now. Because you never know, in 4-5 years, he may want to do sports.

[SnuggleBuggles]

He just needs to find his peer group. There are plenty of kids like him.

Making sure he's at least a little bit literate in some of the popular boy stuff in elementary school will be helpful socially, but he doesn't have to be a soccer player to have friends and be happy. And I certainly wouldn't push it now, because that will only be anxiety provoking for him. I would just let him be for now. Because you never know, in 4-5 years, he may want to do sports.

:yeahthat:

The team sports is nice but unnecessary. I have tried to encourage ds1 to join in the recess football games b/c that is what the vast majority of boys do. However, he isn't interested. Luckily he has found a few other kids that are also not interested.

My goal for ds1 has always been that he just have 1 good friend. Luckily, he found that friend (our neighbor) and each year he clicks with a few kids in his class. He isn't popular at all and I think he's pretty low down on the cool scale. Sometimes it bothers him but mostly not.

Something small I do to help him fit in better socially is listen to current music with him (top 40 stuff), watch some shows that I think other kids will be talking about and I buy him stylish clothes. I figure those things at least will keep him from being a total outsider. I can't make him like sports. :)

I really wouldn't obsess about this sort of thing now. You never know how it will play out. Sometimes kids luck into peer groups that share similar interests. Don't try and get him to be the typical boy...it may not be "necessary". :)

[Meatball Mommie]

I think as long as you are getting good reports from his teachers about his social abilities (i.e that he interacts with other children and is well liked) then you shouldn't sweat it.

For what it's worth, my oldest is not particularly coordinated (hand-eye) and hasn't ever wanted to play football or baseball. He's very awkward at both of those sports, but it doesn't seem to bother him. He's tried soccer, but is not particularly good at it, so he stopped. He has a great sense of balance and I think he'd be great at rock climbing! He does play hockey and is quite good. His only good friends are from his hockey team and a girl at school (they meet on Animal Jam after school!). He NEVER watches sports on tv and would rather play legos than anything else. But, he's very well liked at school and is ok with who he is. That's what's important, imo - not that he become a "typical" sports-loving boy.

[StantonHyde]

First Lego League is great--starts when they are 9ish though. There are other team activities that kids can do that don't involve sports.

[crl]

I wouldn't worry. As long his teachers are reporting that he's doing well and he seems happy, I think it is fine. Ds was somewhat similar and I did make an effort to introduce him to tv that his peers watch (Phineus and Ferb, etc) and to provide him with clothes like his peers were wearing.

(And as an aside, things may change. At five ds had zero interest in team sports. I couldn't even get him to play catch with me--seriously, he would turn around and throw the ball in the opposite direction on purpose. At nine he is obsessed with baseball. Both watching it and playing it. And despite his lack of previous experience and despite developmental deficits so significant that he qualified for OT through school until first grade, he is actually pretty good. We hired a coach for a few sessions of one on on lessons hoping to get him up to speed before little league try outs next month so he can play with kids his age and the coach said he's got good natural instincts and is ready to play with kids his age right now--before coaching lessons. So you really, really never know.)

Catherine

[JElaineB]

DS, age 10, isn't into sports at all. I agree with PP, there are similar kids out there and I am sure he will eventually find his niche. DS found his around the end of 1st grade (age 7), with friends who liked Pokemon, and later video games.

[sste]

Thanks everyone. I worry because I am a worrier (!) and also though his teachers say everything is fine the social demands seem so low in four year old pre-k. I wonder if they mean that his social skills with the teachers are great - - DS can carry on a surprisingly perceptive and emotional conversation, offering reassurance and suggestions to adults that usually endear him to them. Though for more of a hard data point he was able to start preschool two months late and walk into the classroom cold with no issues.

We don't personally care if he is a typical boy or not, we just want him to have a chance to experience that giggling boy group thing. Even DH who is decently sporty and works in a male-dominated profession has no "agenda" with DS that I can discern - - it is more like we are trying to protect something fragile and unusual from the rest of the world.

Even DD who is only two years old (and is herself a character) takes it upon herself to protect DS and will tell off any adult or child who looks at DS the wrong way. DH and I have just resigned ourselves to the fact that some day DD, who looks physically like a cherub, is going to end up wiping the floor with anyone who bothers DS and DS will probably be too buried in a prehistoric mammal book to realize what has happened. :)

[Kindra178]

My sensitive Ds1 is obsessed with sports like other children (boys?) his age are obsessed with planets or dinosaurs or legos. Some of his friends literally have no clue what he is talking about and actually say, "I don't care" when he spouts off team records or yardage gained or whatever. I don't think you need to worry as there are a ton of boys who are not interested in sports but much prefer Ninjago. I suspect all these boys will find their niche as they grow.

So I agree with CRL and others. If the teachers think he is doing fine socially, and he seems to be, go with it. Frankly, I think all boys are kind of weird in the 4-7 range . . .

[crl]

Frankly, I think all boys are kind of weird in the 4-7 range . . .


:ROTFLMAO: Are you sure you want to put a seven years old cap on that?

Catherine

[Kindra178]

:ROTFLMAO: Are you sure you want to put a seven years old cap on that?

Catherine

Love! I guess you are right.

[KrisM]

DS1 is 8.5 and doesn't like team sports, Lego, Star Wars, etc. He has a working knowledge of Pokemon so he can trade with his friends. He does okay. He has a few good friends that are into sports, but also into other things that DS likes. DS is on the Academic Games team, in chess club, and does TKD. He really likes TKD and something like that might work for your DS. It's individual, requires thought and patience. He likes having to read about it and learn facts about what the patterns are, etc. I like that he is at least doing something physical for an activity.

[arivecchi]

I would highly rec TKD. DS1 is also sensitive and kind of shy and TKD has done wonders for him. It has really helped him in the social arena and he has another set of friends at TKD school. It has also given him the courage and confidence to try other sports. He used to be highly anxious and afraid of new challenges and he has taken to skating classes with a hockey league like fish to water. I was in shock. He seems to have no fear in those classes which IMO should be way scarier than TKD!

I've been hugely impressed with the results so far. I like that it is an individual sport that values respect, confidence, quiet strength. Your DS might love the "levels" aspect of it and the fact that you need to learn certain elements for tests. I know that the geeky side of DS1 loves the fact that he is progressing through levels and getting more belts.

[Simon]

Try not to worry just yet. Ds1 is in 1st grade and his current favorite activities are knitting, inventing new recipes/watching Create tv, playing chess and card games. He'd like to join a choir and is considering cross stitching. :rotflmao:

Although he has seen Star Wars (episode 4) and was interested once upon a time, he is really uninterested now. He is adamant that he does not like most major movie/TV characters (SpongeBob, Scooby, Star Wards, Cars, etc), does not like legos and knows nothing of most of the toys I see people talk about on the BBB. We have signed him up for various sports things but we/he prefer the "lessons" and not the teams. So he is enrolled in soccer lessons but not the rec league teams. We also (Dh and I) try to balance supporting his interests with expanding his boundaries and making sure he tries things before rejecting them out of hand. For all his quirks, he has friends at school and gets along well with people everywhere.

[sadie427]

DS 1 is similar, and in fact DH feels strongly that we shouldn't overemphasize sports, he's a big baseball fan but thinks it's more important to develop other interests. DS1 is also 25th percentile, so not going to be a star in most team sports anyway. He does do little league and has a good time, but we wouldn't at all make him do it. He has lots of other interests--comic books, reading (he's in a "graphic novel book club" at the local kids bookstore--full of boys like him), plays instruments, is in the school play, chess club. We just encourage things he's interested in. At nine, he seems pretty well adjusted and has a group of friends--I guess they are just not the sports boys. He actually has a buddy that likes to play "greek myths" at recess. No reason to worry IMO.

[niccig]

He just needs to find his peer group. There are plenty of kids like him.

Making sure he's at least a little bit literate in some of the popular boy stuff in elementary school will be helpful socially, but he doesn't have to be a soccer player to have friends and be happy. And I certainly wouldn't push it now, because that will only be anxiety provoking for him. I would just let him be for now. Because you never know, in 4-5 years, he may want to do sports.

:yeahthat: to what Beth said. A friend of DS at another school is not sporty at all and he found a group in his class with similar interests. The boys in DS's class are more sport minded. One mom put her son into the YMCA class that teachers basic skills in a few sports, so he can join in on the playground. The only problem has been that he doesn't like it when he loses and there's often a dispute as he kicks the ball out and argues that it was in. The other boys won't stand for that. But this has nothing to do with knowing sport, more he doesn't like to lose.

DS is nearly 8 and he just got interested in watching sports on TV with DH this last year. So you're DS may become more interested in time.

[ahisma]

Speaking to the sports aspect.

DS1 doesn't really thrive in team sports, he isn't competitive physically. He does amazing stuff on a scooter and a bike, but couldn't care less about where the ball is on the field. He likes watching sports because he tracks the stats, but beyond that has no interest.

We did to karate, and it went well. We then tried a boys ballet class. It is super physical. DS comes home regularly with sore abs and is flushed when he leaves class. He LOVES it. There are 3 other kindergarten boys in the class from his school, along with a handful of first graders. It's definitely seen as a physically strenuous activity, but because it's not competitive like soccer, etc...he loves it.

Just food for thought...