Have you been more indulgent or gentle with your kids since last Friday?

[citymama]

I know I have been. I haven't rushed out to buy them presents (well, I am buying Christmas presents the same as every year, no extras), but I have found myself more patient, more gentle, more forgiving and just all in all more loving with them. And I like being this parent. DD1 tries to crawl into bed with us every other night and we shoo her back to her room. Not these past few days. I've let her stay and snuggled up even closer. I've taken more time to actually be present with them both - especially DD1, the more challenging kid, my 6 yr old first grader.

I am cherishing every moment with them and am sort of in awe of them. I feel like I had allowed myself to forget and to get blase about how fortunate we are to have these lovely children in our lives. I want to make sure I say "I love you" to them as often as I can, take them out to icecream more, let them snuggle up in our bed just a little bit longer than I should, and not let the small things get to me as much. I want to hold on to this kind and gentle parent that's been hiding inside the harried and impatient parent I had become. I hope I can do so.

I came across this Huffington Post article (http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/12/18/after-newtown-grateful-parents_n_2321400.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false) which resonated with me - about grateful parents all around the country indulging their kids more since last Friday.

How about you? Have you been more indulgent or more accepting of your kids in these past few days?

[MMMommy]

I have DD1 curled up next to me sleeping, so yes, I have been indulging and giving more allowances than usual. Last night I had DD2 snuggled next to me sleeping. I am grateful for my sweet girls who will always be my babies, no matter what their age.

[fedoragirl]

citymama, you posted exactly what has been going on with me. DH just can't relate personally to all this. I can't understand why but that's for the BP.
However, I have been so much more understanding and tolerant of tantrums. I am appreciating their conversations more, and the racket they make too. :D
I also love being this parent, and I know that Newtown has changed me as a parent. I dropped DD off a preschool for the first time since the massacre and I just clung to her a little longer and kissed her. I wish those parents could have that chance again with their little ones. I am so heartbroken for them.

[citymama]

citymama, you posted exactly what has been going on with me. DH just can't relate personally to all this. I can't understand why but that's for the BP.


You know, it's interesting, I almost posted the question of whether mamas have felt this more true for them. My very sensitive DH, although very sad about the Newtown tragedy and the lives lost, isn't affected in the same way I am at a deep gut level. I notice on FB the posts from mamas and grandmas who are so deeply heartbroken about the tragedy and also deeply outraged. I feel like it will be these women, us women, who will keep the gun safety issue moving and won't stop until things change. I know I won't. I almost feel like I can hear a collective anguished roar from my mom friends, like a whole country of mama bears trying to protect their young, wishing we could have protected Noah and Emilie and the other Newtown children too.

[Fairy]

Isn't it funny how the same people are in the same threads this time of night?

Yes, to everything you said. I'm very much more patient and gentle with ds, and we've let him sleep in our bed more days than not. He was home sick Monday but I sent him off today and got a little worried about it. Hugged him a lot more. I appreciate him every day, but I've been poignantly overcome a lot of late with gratitude.

[maybeebaby08]

I have been, I almost cried after Monday morning drop off and DH was like why? He thinks its a horrible tragedy but it hits me more then him. Bedtime is always trying with DD1 around here and these past few days I find myself thinking that I need to be patient and grateful even for the frustrating times because what if something happened? . And there have been lots of extra hugs and snuggles.

[SASM]

Yes to everything you said. I've definitely been more patient and I hug and live on my children at every opportunity. I like this new mama...I hope she stays for a while.

[Pennylane]

Yes! More reading, more listening, more snuggling.

Ann

[Momit]

Yes! He has been sick so I haven't dealt with a preschool drop off yet. But after a fleeting second of "how am I going to get all my holiday preparations done if he's home with me?" I snapped out of it and snuggled up for a Thomas and Busytown DVD marathon yesterday. Then we wrapped gifts and baked. I loved every minute of it.

And he's had his Advent calendar chocolate with breakfast every day, which was previously a big "no."

[Melaine]

Yes. We have had a bit of a hard week here, DH has been really stressed (I'm pretty sure he has actually been having panic attacks....so great that we both have them now!) and the baby hasn't been sleeping and I was plunged into the depths of despair after visiting my inlaws like I said in another thread. But over all of that, just this sense of bittersweet thanksgiving that my little ones are here with me. We haven't done much school this week, which wasn't really my plan. Last night we let the girls stay up to watch a Charlie Brown Christmas and I just snuggled with them and was thankful. Sad, but thankful.

[maestramommy]

Actually no. DD3 has been extremely challenging the last month and getting worse, so she has been gnawing on my last nerve for a while. I felt a little bad that this also coincided with AF coming because while I am grieving for the families of these little kids, my own kid has been driving me nuts. But life goes on, you know? I so thankful for the teachers, the bus driver, the people in my kids' lives that have made their lives as routine as it has ever been. So far they have been completely untouched by this horror and it's been because of the adults in their lives, the "helpers," to quote Mr. Rogers.

I did spend time afterschool with them Monday letting the assemble their teachers gifts almost entirely by themselves, something I normally can't bring myself to do. They used an inordinate amount of tape, made cards out of scratch paper instead of the cardstock I had, and wrapped gifts that were already going in gift bags. And the universe didn't cave in. :p

[wendibird22]

Yes especially in regards to choosing my battles. Yesterday DD1 work a pair of denim shorts over a pair of leggings to school. She looked positively silly and normally I would've told her she could wear that in the morning but to take off the shorts before leaving for school. Instead, I told her "nice outfit" and moved on. I also hung out in the playroom with the kids and engaged in play instead of bringing my phone or ipad up with me. At dinner, DH got a text message alert. He looked at me and said, "That can wait until after dinner."

The stories the Newtown parents have shared about letting the little girl wear her pink xmas outfit to school that day or the girl who woke up early and spent time with dad before he left for work have touched me immensely and have caused me to shift my focus about what is truly important.

[lizzywednesday]

Yes, we've been more cuddly and snuggly than usual.

DH came home from work and gave DD a big hug, which is kind of unusual for him.

I started to wonder if our extra attention scared her a little, but she seems to be otherwise OK. Recovering from a nasty cold, but OK.

[doberbrat]

Sort of. DD1 was getting on my nerves over the weekend with her incessant talking. In my mind I was thinking, SHUT UP!!!!! (something I'd never ever say outloud no matter what) And then stopped and realized that there are 20 parents in CT who would LOVE to be annoyed by incessant chatter right now.

[AnnieW625]

My week has been similar to Maestra Mommy's. Both of my kids have been bouncing off the walls and channeling some inner hyper activity. I think they a just excited about Christmas and our pending vacation to Grandma's on Friday afternoon. It is instant questions and "I hope this and that., I need this and that, etc." . Yesterday I helped out in DD1's class and I took the entire day off. I feel 10x better this AM. I know this post isn't suppose to be about me, but now that I feel a bit more sane and AF just started this AM maybe I am in a better mood to deal with the kids. Tonight is DD1's Christmas performance and I am really looking forward to it.

[hellokitty]

I'm with maestramommy. DS3 (who is really close in age to her youngest) is really bad right now and testing every bit of patience that I have. I am trying to be more patient with my kids, but my youngest one, who is the one that is home with me all day is driving me insane. I try to remind myself not to get too upset about things, knowing that I should be grateful I have kids who are alive while others have lost theirs. My older ones have been ok this wk and I've been more careful about picking my battles with them this wk, letting some stuff slide.

[egoldber]

No, not really. Like many others, my kids are driving me crazy the last couple weeks. :o

But I have also deliberately shielded myself from most of the coverage. I have watched zero news coverage. I have limited to myself to a couple of lead stories on CNN about the incident. I haven't read any of the first person accounts except for what was quoted in the lead article. I haven't looked at any pictures. I have avoided reading many FB posts and links. It's already emotionally wrenching and I can't image that seeing or reading those things is going to do me any good.

[Fairy]

No, not really. Like many others, my kids are driving me crazy the last couple weeks. :o

But I have also deliberately shielded myself from most of the coverage. I have watched zero news coverage. I have limited to myself to a couple of lead stories on CNN about the incident. I haven't read any of the first person accounts except for what was quoted in the lead article. I haven't looked at any pictures. I have avoided reading many FB posts and links. It's already emotionally wrenching and I can't image that seeing or reading those things is going to do me any good.

I started out this way, but then I delved into just a couple articles that had first person accounts, and some of the photos ... and it did me in. You stay with this, Beth, wish I had.

[3isEnough]

I'm so glad others posted that their kids are driving them crazy this week. I'm not totally there yet, but for me it's weird. I feel like I've had such a deep sense of mourning for the Newtown kids that I've really needed some quiet time to process and understand my feelings. And it turns out that quiet time and kids can't coexist ;)

I've definitely snuggled and appreciated my kids more this past week and have tried to be more patient with them, but at the same time it's been stressful since my mind is so lost in the tragedy and mourning. I almost feel like a freak admitting that my kids have annoyed me, but the sense of loss and sadness I've felt over Newtown isn't much different than how I'd feel if I was mourning someone I know, so I suppose it makes sense.

[wencit]

I haven't been more indulgent with my kids; my parenting style has pretty much stayed the same. I have, however, been giving them lots more hugs and kisses than usual (and I am pretty affectionate with them to begin with), especially with my 6yo.

[TwinFoxes]

I can't bear to kick them out of bed when they sneak in at night. In fact, one night S snuck in, and apparently I was a little too cuddly, because she asked to go back to her bed. :bag

[MamaMolly]

Indulging, no. Silently grateful, yes. For example, Dolly was chatting about 90 million miles an hour non stop, all DAY yesterday, and ended in a non stop WHIIIIIINNNNNNNEEEEE and just as I was thinking Ugh about 'having' to listen to it all, I paused and remembered how grateful I am that I "can' listen to it all.

[oneontheway]

Yes, I feel like I have been more impatient than ever lately and have gotten in the pattern of yelling at them which is not at all what I want. I swore to myself after hearing about CT that I would not yell at them again. Every time I'm about to... I remind myself how much it is not worth it and how lucky I am to be with them at that moment and every moment. I will try to keep CT fresh in my mind and not take a minute for granted.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

I can't bear to kick them out of bed when they sneak in at night.

:yeahthat: yep, same here. both my kids have always been awesome sleepers, but lately with having to adjust to daycare, ds is having a bit of a harder time. started coming to our room about a week or so ago. at first i led him back to his room but then i let him sleep in there, esp since dh was oot. then after friday i was looking forward to him coming over, xtra snuggle time with my baby boy.

thanks for posting that article, citymama. the part that nearly moved me to tears was when that FL mom said she came home Friday to find her guest bathroom toilet totally clogged with toilet paper, and she had to scramble to clean for a holiday party..then she realized she just had to appreciate this bathroom mess, that she still had her 6yo to make those kinds of messes. indeed, it's the things we think about and laugh about decades years later...

[TxCat]

You know, it's interesting, I almost posted the question of whether mamas have felt this more true for them. My very sensitive DH, although very sad about the Newtown tragedy and the lives lost, isn't affected in the same way I am at a deep gut level. I notice on FB the posts from mamas and grandmas who are so deeply heartbroken about the tragedy and also deeply outraged. I feel like it will be these women, us women, who will keep the gun safety issue moving and won't stop until things change. I know I won't. I almost feel like I can hear a collective anguished roar from my mom friends, like a whole country of mama bears trying to protect their young, wishing we could have protected Noah and Emilie and the other Newtown children too.

A hundred times yes to this. DH is sad, but definitely not wrecked about it the way that I am. A close male friend said that his response to Newtown was simply not to think about it. I agree - if anything positive comes out of this with respect to gun legislation, mental health services, etc., it will be because the women in this country would not drop the issue.

[Minnifer]

Nope, I haven't - my kids are just plain difficult and like PPs have mentioned even more so lately, and I have been having a hard time dealing with them - but I HAVE been feeling about 1000% more guilty than usual about it (which is already a fair amount of guilt) since Newtown.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

A hundred times yes to this. DH is sad, but definitely not wrecked about it the way that I am. A close male friend said that his response to Newtown was simply not to think about it. I agree - if anything positive comes out of this with respect to gun legislation, mental health services, etc., it will be because the women in this country would not drop the issue.

i could not agree more. my dh is the VERY sensitive type that tries his hardest not to bawl watching children's christmas movies. He is the biggest sap, not a "tough" guy at all. though he is not just affected by this as much as me. all the posts on fb about hugging your kids more since the tragedy, grateful to have our kids with us - all women, all mothers. i think it's something about the connection a mom has with her child, i don't know. i also think more men are prone to the dismal attitude of "some people are just born crazy, nothing you can do about it." indeed it sounds like it's up to the women who can enact some real change...

[twowhat?]

Indulging, no. Silently grateful, yes.

This is me, and only because DD2 is a difficult child, and "indulging just once" = months of regret in this house.

However, I did let them eat banana bread with frosting for breakfast...our housekeeper brought it so when it's gone, it's gone:)

[egoldber]

my dh is the VERY sensitive type that tries his hardest not to bawl watching children's christmas movies. He is the biggest sap, not a "tough" guy at all. though he is not just affected by this as much as me. all the posts on fb about hugging your kids more since the tragedy, grateful to have our kids with us - all women, all mothers. i think it's something about the connection a mom has with her child, i don't know. i also think more men are prone to the dismal attitude of "some people are just born crazy, nothing you can do about it."

So I totally get that you were not trying to offend people.

But for people with anxiety, being able to compartmentalize your worries and anxiety is a life skill. Therapists spend a lot of time teaching people how to "turn off and tune out" their worries. If you can't do this, then anxiety can take over your life. A big part of doing this for many people is avoiding their emotional triggers.

An event like this is a huge trigger for many people. Like I said above, I am avoiding the coverage for myself and my DD because we are both prone to anxiety. Also, having lost a child, it is just not in me to tear open the scab I keep on my grief that allows me to function happily the vast majority of the time.

But just because I don't want to post hugs on FB or watch musical tributes or look at pictures of dead 6 year olds does not mean I am not adamantly pro stronger gun laws, pro better mental health coverage and awareness or that I love my children any less dearly.

[citymama]

So I totally get that you were not trying to offend people.

An event like this is a huge trigger for many people. Like I said above, I am avoiding the coverage for myself and my DD because we are both prone to anxiety. Also, having lost a child, it is just not in me to tear open the scab I keep on my grief that allows me to function happily the vast majority of the time.

But just because I don't want to post hugs on FB or watch musical tributes or
look at pictures of dead 6 year olds does not mean I am not adamantly pro stronger gun laws, pro better mental health coverage and awareness or that I
love my children any less dearly.

Big hugs, Beth (and to Beth24, as well, who may be experiencing something similar). Thanks for those good points and
reminders. I hope nothing on this thread has inadvertently contributed more pain.

[jgenie]

I have been more gentle and more present since Friday. It seems I'm always doing two things at once and when DC call me to help them with something or to come see something my response most of the time is usually "Sure, just a second, let me finish washing these dishes, folding this clothes, wiping this counter, etc. Since Friday I have tried very hard to stop what I'm doing to tend to them first. It's true the housework will always be there and the kids will only be little for a short while but I had stopped living that way and I'm making a conscious effort to change that. We have also spent way more time snuggled up in bed reading stacks of books.

[Carrots]

Yes. I have been much more patient with DDs since learning about everything on Friday. In fact, on Friday when DD2was napping, I got into her toddler bed with her :bag. I needed to be as close to my children as possible.

DD1 wakes almost every morning around 4 or 5am and needs to be tucked back into bed, but since Friday, I have been crawling in next to her... for my own comfort.

[daisymommy]

Carrots, you made me all teary eyed!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Big hugs, Beth (and to Beth24, as well, who may be experiencing something similar). Thanks for those good points and
reminders. I hope nothing on this thread has inadvertently contributed more pain.

:yeahthat:

:hug: goodness, i did not mean to imply that all those not talking about the tragedy loved their children any less, or were not concerned about it. i am so sorry if anything I said alluded to that. i simply wanted to echo others comments re: the "mama bear" phenomenon,as on Friday after hearing the news all i could do was talk back and forth with others in my moms group, and and we could possibly do to protect our kids. several of my male friends seemed to mostly comment such as "it's just a fact of life.. some people are just born broken, and there's nothing we can do to fix them so our only choice is to arm ourselves." and i know that with my DH, while he is saddened after hearing of tragedies in the news, and is very anti-gun/pro-guncontrol, he is nowhere near consumed by it as I, nor he does not lose sleep over it like I do. He dropped the kids off at school on Monday as it if it were any other day, whereas if it were me i know i would be trying my hardest to fight back tears (and several of my other mama friends told me they felt the same). Unfortunately i am well-versed in anxiety (it runs deep in my family, and I have been on medication for GAD since the summer), so maybe that's actually the real reason DH is not as shaken by this incident as much as I am...while he does get upset over things, he is able to move past things much easier than me.

speaking of which, i think i am going to take a break from this board for a while. i apologize if any of my comments offended anyone, that was not my intent at all.

[eno0609]

So I totally get that you were not trying to offend people.

But for people with anxiety, being able to compartmentalize your worries and anxiety is a life skill. Therapists spend a lot of time teaching people how to "turn off and tune out" their worries. If you can't do this, then anxiety can take over your life. A big part of doing this for many people is avoiding their emotional triggers.

An event like this is a huge trigger for many people. Like I said above, I am avoiding the coverage for myself and my DD because we are both prone to anxiety. Also, having lost a child, it is just not in me to tear open the scab I keep on my grief that allows me to function happily the vast majority of the time.

But just because I don't want to post hugs on FB or watch musical tributes or look at pictures of dead 6 year olds does not mean I am not adamantly pro stronger gun laws, pro better mental health coverage and awareness or that I love my children any less dearly.
:yeahthat: :hug: I haven't lost a child, but was physically abused for almost a year by a relative when not living with my mother when I was 5. Since then any kind of violence against children has had a huge affect on me. Because of watching the news I tend remember and think about kids that have been killed years later. I've also been staying away from any kind of coverage, except for lurking on here which has been enough... I've been fine as long as I keep busy, but when I'm alone with my thoughts it gets bad. Thank you for mentioning anxiety, DD and I are prone to it as well, but haven't been to a therapist and I didn't realize that the "turn off and tune out" thing that I try to do on my own and help DD with was something that therapists teach.

To answer the OP question, I haven't been more indulgent but definitely more patient, appreciative and extra affectionate.

[eno0609]

:yeahthat:

:hug: goodness, i did not mean to imply that all those not talking about the tragedy loved their children any less, or were not concerned about it. i am so sorry if anything I said alluded to that. i simply wanted to echo others comments re: the "mama bear" phenomenon,as on Friday after hearing the news all i could do was talk back and forth with others in my moms group, and and we could possibly do to protect our kids. several of my male friends seemed to mostly comment such as "it's just a fact of life.. some people are just born broken, and there's nothing we can do to fix them so our only choice is to arm ourselves." and i know that with my DH, while he is saddened after hearing of tragedies in the news, and is very anti-gun/pro-guncontrol, he is nowhere near consumed by it as I, nor he does not lose sleep over it like I do. He dropped the kids off at school on Monday as it if it were any other day, whereas if it were me i know i would be trying my hardest to fight back tears (and several of my other mama friends told me they felt the same). Unfortunately i am well-versed in anxiety (it runs deep in my family, and I have been on medication for GAD since the summer), so maybe that's actually the real reason DH is not as shaken by this incident as much as I am...while he does get upset over things, he is able to move past things much easier than me.

speaking of which, i think i am going to take a break from this board for a while. i apologize if any of my comments offended anyone, that was not my intent at all.

This is my DH exactly as well- totally get your point, no offence taken:)

[egoldber]

Ms P, I was truly not offended. My main point was to say that just because someone may not react strongly on the surface does not mean they do not feel it deeply. In fact, sometimes it is because they feel it deeply that they can't even start to show it, because then it just gets too overwhelming.


while he does get upset over things, he is able to move past things much easier than me

But this may be because he is able to compartmentalize and "change the channel" (as DD's therapist calls it) more easily. But doing that does not mean that the emotions are not strong or deeply felt.

I'm sorry if what I said made you feel like you needed to take a break. But after I posted this earlier, I realized that I probably need to take a break from these threads, because it's another type of coverage that I probably just shouldn't indulge in.

[citymama]

speaking of which, i think i am going to take a break from this board for a while. i apologize if any of my comments offended anyone, that was not my intent at all.

don't go! We like having you here! I really don't think anyone was offended, just pointing out different coping strategies. Please stay!

[Fairy]

don't go! We like having you here! I really don't think anyone was offended, just pointing out different coping strategies. Please stay!

Agreed. If u feel like u need a break, go. I get it, have done it. I go in fits and spurts now. Week on month off. Learned a couple years ago that I was here and online too much around ds, so I'm less consistent than I once was. If u need a break take it. But come back ...

[pastrygirl]

More patient and present, yes. Last night I fell back to my usual self, and thinking about Friday actually snapped me out of it. It was like a light switch.

[twowhat?]

Agreed. If u feel like u need a break, go. I get it, have done it. I go in fits and spurts now. Week on month off. Learned a couple years ago that I was here and online too much around ds, so I'm less consistent than I once was. If u need a break take it. But come back ...

:yeahthat: I take breaks basically whenever I travel for work...it ranges from a couple days to a week. And I totally need it. This is a great community but since it's online, i's hard sometimes to not feel like someone has taken offense when you can't read tone over the internet. I've taken little breaks for exactly this type of thing...basically giving myself a "cooling off" period. So take a break and please come back cuz virtually everyone here has only good intentions:)