S/O-School age playdates if you don't know the parents

[JustMe]

This is a spin off from the thread asking if you asked if there were guns in the house. It seemed a lot of people who answered were not yet doing drop off playdates. So, for those of us with kids in elementary school what, if any, questions/precautions do you take when your child makes a new friend at school, wants to have a playdate, and you don't know the parents. We do have a school directory, so my question is not how to contact them, but what would you ask. Of course, my first thing would be to ask for the first playdate to be at my house, but after that then what?

I am asking this question, both in general and I also have 2 different scenarios---

1) Dd has become very good friends with a new girl this year. The girl is very sweet, and I have met her mom a few times at school functions and had no concerns. I was ready to allow dd to go to their house (they have not had playdates yet; dd has been asking, but it is such a busy time that I have not done anything about it), when dd mentioned that the dad smoked and also made some vague remarks about him indicating that she was not too sure about him. There are a few more details here regarding a birthday party the girl had in a public place, but I won't go into them as I am also just wanting a general idea of what you do about households with smokers, etc.

2) Ds has a new friend he hangs out with in the aftercare program who he adores. He has been asking for a playdate a lot. they are new to the school this year. I have never seen the parents and know nothing about them.

Part of me wants to not worry so much about everything and just send them...but what do you do?


thanks

[ha98ed14]

Invite them to your house or to meet up at the park. Tell them parents are welcome to come. Then you can see what you think. If it turns out to be not someone/place you want DC, then tell DC they are a "play-at-school" friend and everyone runs their household differently/the way that works for them.

[egoldber]

In general, I try to invite the other child over first. That way I can chat with the parents at drop off.

I guess smoking would not bother me too much since a playdate is generally short. I would worry more about a sleepover, especially because cigarette smoke is one of the triggers for older DD's asthma.

I have to admit, I don't ask about guns. I know I should, but I don't. I have worried a little about our next door neighbor because I know he is an NRA member and an occasional hunter. Ours kids are over there all.the.time. sometimes unsupervised in the house. (We often hang out in our neighborhood cul de sac and the kids go from house to house to play.)

[hillview]

agree with the others, host first.

[JustMe]

Okay, so you host the first playdate all goes well. One parent drops off and picks up their child at your house and seems nice enough. Its a 2 parent household. So, then, do you ask any further questions before allowing your dc to go to their house?

[SummerBaby]

I agree with others about inviting the child to your house. Also, Im not too sure what you mean when you say your DD is "not sure" about the friends father. To the extent my DD (or I) was uncomfortable with another parent, I would just make up an excuse as to why she couldn't play there. I would not drop off at a house where something seemed off, and I wouldn't worry about giving someone the benefit of the doubt in these situations.