If you or your partner is an only child...

[twowhat?]

Do you find and/or realize that you don't truly understand sibling rivalry? My DH is an only child and I'm starting to see that I don't think he understands sibling rivalry at all. He doesn't seem to truly see that the tiffs our girls get into are entirely normal and don't necessarily need the level of discipline he seems to think they need (he has zero tolerance for them getting into disagreements and, for example, will try to force one to apologize, which, growing up with a sibling, I know is one strategy that siblings use to gain "power" over the other...by getting the parents to force the other into apologizing when they never saw the disagreement to begin with).

We just had a parent/teacher conference where he told the teacher about some of the girls' behavior at home and asked if they did the same thing at school. Of course the answer from the teacher was "No, I never see that at school." So then his answer was basically "Then they shouldn't be doing it at home." It drives me insane because to me, duh - it's sibling rivalry, not a behavioral issue. But maybe I shouldn't expect him to "get" it since he's an only child and has never experienced sibling rivalry at all?

Perspectives? (And if anything I said is offensive, I truly did not mean it to be so here's an apology in advance!)

[fivi2]

:rotflmao: my dh is an only. I was all ready to type a response about how he doesn't understand my issues with my sister... then I realized you weren't asking that...

But I do think dh is less tolerant of the girls ' sibling warfare than I am. I don't really have a solution. Sorry!

[acmom]

I am an only, DH has one sister. We have 2 kids (2 and 4), but both completely expect them to have typical sibling issues. They are often sweet to each other and enjoy playing together, which is so heart warming to watch as a parent. However, we also have our fair share of yelling, grabbing, pushing etc. over all sorts of things. I am a preschool/elementary teacher so I may have been a little more prepared for it bc of that. But so far I haven't found that being an only has made it hard to for me understand sibling issues as a parent.

[lil_acorn]

My DH and I are BOTH only children and are now raising 3 crazy boys. When they are beating each other up, we look at ourselves and have asked friends.."is this normal". The answer..always "YUP"..and sometimes, "No, our fights were more brutal"..lol

[niccig]

Has your DH been around kids much? I ask because though DH has 2 siblings (they are 5-6 yrs younger than him though), he doesn't get kids developmental behaviour and at times his expectations are too high.

[arivecchi]

Not an only, but your DH needs to have words with my DH (who has 2 brothers close in age), who among other things, shot his brothers with bb guns, made one of them hold onto an electric fence and made him break up with his girlfriend in middle school....

The funny thing is they are still super close and best friends.

It gives me comfort because my kids already fight like boxers and tackle each other routinely....

[flashy09]

I am an only child and my DH told me his mother put a dog gate up in the car and made him and his brother sit on either side of it (don't ask about seat belts, this was in the early 80's, rural England!). I heard that and thought I was married to an evil a$$hole and told my friends and the ones with siblings thought that was a fantastic idea and totally normal! So yes, I do think only children don't always know what to expect with sibling rivalry, lol.

[twowhat?]

Has your DH been around kids much? I ask because though DH has 2 siblings (they are 5-6 yrs younger than him though), he doesn't get kids developmental behaviour and at times his expectations are too high.

Haha, I think this is a separate issue - YES his expectations are always too high and no, he hasn't been around kids much. The funny thing is that before having kids, I had virtually no experience around kids either (no babysitting, etc) but I took it upon myself to read, read, read so that I could determine what was normal/age-appropriate and what wasn't. But he can't be bothered to do that and has accused me of being a know-it-all so this is definitely a losing battle:) He does have a point when he says people have parented for ages without books and why would he need a book to know how to parent. :shrug:

[Melaine]

Hmmm DH isn't an only but his brother is 5 years older than him which is quite a gap. I do think he doesn't get some if the issues we deal with having twins but then again neither do I.

[DietCokeLover]

I am an only. DH is 7 years older than his brother. I think we both are pretty realistic about sibling rivalry.

[niccig]

Haha, I think this is a separate issue - YES his expectations are always too high and no, he hasn't been around kids much. The funny thing is that before having kids, I had virtually no experience around kids either (no babysitting, etc) but I took it upon myself to read, read, read so that I could determine what was normal/age-appropriate and what wasn't. But he can't be bothered to do that and has accused me of being a know-it-all so this is definitely a losing battle:) He does have a point when he says people have parented for ages without books and why would he need a book to know how to parent. :shrug:

Like you I read up on kids and what to expect. I've also been around many more kids in playgroups, at DS's school so I see what the range of behavior is.

Can you put it in business terms. He wouldn't expect a new grad straight out of college to do x,y that requires 5 yrs experience to know how to do. It's unrealistic.

So unrealistic to expect a 5 yr old to act like a 10 yr old...they need 5 more yrs experience of being a person.

But I think you've got a trifecta of him not knowing kids, not knowing sibling issues and not knowing about twins!

If he wont' read a book, will he go to a parenting seminar? It would help his relationship with the girls if he wasn't on them all the time about they behaviour (he sounds a bit like my Dad who expected perfect behavior all the time)

[twowhat?]

But I think you've got a trifecta of him not knowing kids, not knowing sibling issues and not knowing about twins!

If he wont' read a book, will he go to a parenting seminar? It would help his relationship with the girls if he wasn't on them all the time about they behaviour (he sounds a bit like my Dad who expected perfect behavior all the time)

LOL, and what a trifecta it is!!! It definitely is complicated by the twin factor - we deal with some issues very different from those with different-age siblings and it is a special challenge even for me (and especially for him).

And no way would he go to a parenting seminar. He won't listen to me because he thinks my method doesn't work because I don't expect perfect behavior.

[Pyrodjm]

DH is an only, I'm the oldest of three. He does not understand siblings relationships at all. He doesnt understand why our girls want the exact same thing all of the time, you can't give one noodle soup and the other spaghetti and not expect hysterics. Or the smirk one gets when the other gets in trouble. Why they bicker when together and cry when apart.

He follows my lead on these kind of things, thankfully.

[eno0609]

I'm an only and DH isn't. Most of the time he is the one who insists that the kids stop fighting, apologize etc. I think it's because he and his brother are only 2 years apart but not as close as DH wishes they were and he wants to try to make sure that doesn't happen with our kids when they grow up.

[belovedgandp]

Not specific to sibling issues (DH is one of six with way more brutal stories than my brother and I ever had), but he doesn't always get what normal kid behavior for an age is.

Send him on a couple of school fieldtrips and he'll appreciate your kids. DH does one every couple of years and realizes that the annoying things our kids do are 100% normal.

[s7714]

Yes, yes, yes, YES!!!! And I am the only child! I have come to accept some of it as normal, but honestly not a day goes by that I don't question why on Earth my children can't just "get along." I'll tell you what has kind of helped me see that it's normal though. When my BIL was staying with us for a extended period, he and DH would totally get onto each other when they were playing video games. It was like watching my kids 30+ years down the road.

[Fairy]

I'm an only, DS is an only. No sibling rivalry here, but I can objectively tell you that I do not relate well on that subject, probablyu because of my lack of experience.

HE'S TOUCHING ME!

Yeah, I never had that. I do notice when DS and his friends play (or his non-friends interact with him) and there are "normal" issues, like whose turn it is for XYZ, and I have a hard time figuring out how to manage that. I usually tell them to work it out, but knowing when to intervene and when it's normal, I am not good at that. Partly, I do believe, cuz I'm an only.

[StantonHyde]

This is totally an issue for DH. sigh.....