DH trying to sabatoge?

[hillview]

Strange question but has anyone every had or is currently in a relationship where it feels like a SO is deliberately trying to sabatoge a relationship? I love my DH and he really loves me I feel. He just occasionally completely goes against a planned (and not super) hard agreement that we have in a playing with fire sort of way it just FEELS so much like an effort to sabatoge or otherwise do harm.

Without going into the details. Wondering if anyone has ever been in a situation like this?

[KpbS]

Not the same b/c it was a dating relationship but once an ex-bf would do the same sort of behaviors it seems like you are describing. We had certain understandings about him and substance use--he knew I couldn't stand it and it was a total deal breaker for me. Yet he repeatedly put me in those situations. In retrospect, I can see that he was so drawn to it and it was more important than our relationship, he just would NOT admit that to me or himself. I think he wanted things to be different, they just weren't and weren't going to be. He didn't want to be the "bad guy" and face the music, hence the repeated sabotage.

Sending :hug:. I'm sorry things are so hard.

[BDKmom]

No BTDT on a serious level, but wondering if it could be a control type of thing? This is a silly example, but my DH is a neat freak, and I know it bugs the heck out of him if I leave clothes laying around in our room. And I love him very much and it isn't that difficult to pick up after myself. But sometimes it makes me feel better to have clothes laying around. Like I am exercising some part of me that feels lost in us. Something that I typically change about myself to accommodate him. Except sometimes I don't want to accommodate him. I just want to be the me that I would be if he weren't around.

So maybe, even though he has agreed with you on this thing, he feels like he is losing or denying part of himself, and every now and then has to give in to it to feel like he is making the decision, not just letting you make it for him.

Hope you guys can work it out, whatever it is.

[megs4413]

I'm going through something (that at least sounds) similar to this right now with my DH. You can PM me if you want. I won't post the details here.

[Momof3Labs]

Yes, spent 10+ years in that situation (but failed to recognize it, it was so subtle for so long). Our divorce will hopefully be final in 48 hours.

[KLD313]

Yes, my ex-h was like this. We worked together and i really started to get that feeling toward the end. He would always do the exact opposite of what we agreed on at home and at work. It's awful having the same fight and conversation over and over again.

[ha98ed14]

Not me, but my sister. He does everything he can to set her up for failure. He uses DN as a "weapon" against her. He will agree to watch DN and let my sister go to work or to see me, and then he will back out at the last minute leaving her no time to get a sitter, or he will show up so late that she cannot make it to the engagement on time. He doesn't want her to work and uses DN to control her. I wish he would just go *poof* and disappear into thin air!

[buttercup]

There's the theory about wanting to be caught. I've seen it come true more than once.

[aa2mama]

I am currently in a relationship where DH sometimes tries to sabotage it. In our case there's a rational reason for it: DH's ex-wife cheated on him and hurt him very deeply. Subconsciously he tends to push me away so that he won't be hurt again. He is aware of this and works to overcome these tendencies.

[maydaymommy]

There's the theory about wanting to be caught. I've seen it come true more than once.

:yeahthat:

I think he could be testing you, or trying to assert independence, or being passive-aggressive by going against what youve discussed.

But it could also be intentional to get to you -- and make you the bad guy for getting angry. Sorry to say, but maybe he wants to cross the hard line so he has an out.

Hope everything ends up ok.

[mom2binsd]

Yes, spent 10+ years in that situation (but failed to recognize it, it was so subtle for so long). Our divorce will hopefully be final in 48 hours.

I too began to see how DH would sabotage everything and do things on purpose to cause problems, he even got caught cheating "on purpose" I feel. Our divorce was final in Oct.

My advice, nip this in the bud, maybe if we had sought marriage counseling we would not be divorced.

[Momof3Labs]

I too began to see how DH would sabotage everything and do things on purpose to cause problems, he even got caught cheating "on purpose" I feel. Our divorce was final in Oct.

My advice, nip this in the bud, maybe if we had sought marriage counseling we would not be divorced.

We did a year of marriage counseling but still ended up here. He was determined not to change or repair the relationship.

[Twoboos]

We did a year of marriage counseling but still ended up here. He was determined not to change or repair the relationship.

This sounds like my SIL. Except when he didn't get caught (she ignored signs), he told her outright. Went through the motions of marriage counseling, nothing he did was wrong/needed to change. Their divorce was final a couple of months ago.

Hugs OP.

[mom2binsd]

We did a year of marriage counseling but still ended up here. He was determined not to change or repair the relationship.


I even wonder if marriage counseling would have worked, XH has some mental health issues and addiction issues that he wasn't interested in addressing.

OP, I think if you can on your own try to talk to him and see why he is doing what he is doing, if he has a good reason that makes sense, or if not, explain to him the impact it is having on you and how you are questioning why he is doing what he is doing. Avoiding the confrontation isn't going to make it go away no matter the end result, good or bad.

OR ask him to begin marriage counseling, frame it as "family counseling" if you have to and make it about parenting if some of the issues are about parenting, whether they will go or not is often a good indication of what is really going on. It works for some, not for others.

[hillview]

Thanks all. He agreed to go to counseling alone. He needs it. We need it. Hard times.

[crl]

Thanks all. He agreed to go to counseling alone. He needs it. We need it. Hard times.

:hug:

Catherine

[KDsMommy]

Hugs to you OP

[flashy09]

If you feel it, it's probably true. A lot of things cause people to sabotage relationships and it's a big positive that he is going to counseling. Really hope it all works out for you both!

[DrSally]

I'm so sorry, but glad he has agreed to go to counselling

[TxCat]

No advice, just :hug:

[oneplustwo]

Thanks all. He agreed to go to counseling alone. He needs it. We need it. Hard times.

:hug: :grouphug: :hug:

[boltfam]

Thanks all. He agreed to go to counseling alone. He needs it. We need it. Hard times.

Sorry you're going through this, OP. :hug:

[mikala]

:grouphug:

[theriviera]

I'm sorry that you are going through this OP. Many hugs to you. :grouphug:

[KpbS]

Sending :hug: and hoping that things get better. Take care.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I'm sorry. I hope that things improve.

[BDKmom]

Glad he agreed to counseling. Hope things get better soon. :hug:

[HannaAddict]

Glad he agreed to go, that's good. I thought he did some things that weren't ideal (not seeing how they impact you) involving skiing last year, hope that is not part of it. Hang in there.

[elektra]

Good luck hillview. :hug:

[LBW]

I'm also glad he agreed to counseling. I hope he goes. My H agreed to counseling last year, went once, canceled the next appt., and hasn't been back.

MAJOR HUGS

[Momof3Labs]

Good luck, and I hope that goes well. My XH has been in counseling for over 3 years but did it for show, not to work on himself. Hopefully yours will take it to heart and put in the hard work!

[niccig]

:hug: Hope things get better.

[Globetrotter]

:grouphug: I hope counseling helps.

[sste]

Hillview, I know your family has had some stressors with your DS and behavior. That can be very hard on a marriage, either stand-alone or on top of other marital challenges. I hope everything improves for you.

In the meantime, I would double up on your self-care. This is an excellent time to treat yourself to a massage, pedicure, extra gym session whatever. And IIRC you are also bound to the carib. at the same resort I just stayed at. Feel free to PM me for some ideas about that - - I used the childcare program for younger kids but it all seemed great and DH and I worked out a schedule where we had most dinners just the two of us which was lovely and much-needed!!

[Kindra178]

No advice, just thinking of you. I wish you luck. Being married and raising little kids is super tough.

[LBW]

My XH

Is it official? If so, hugs and congrats!

[brittone2]

Thinking of you. You have a lot of support here if you need it :grouphug:

[carolinamama]

Thanks all. He agreed to go to counseling alone. He needs it. We need it. Hard times.

:grouphug: Sorry you are dealing with this.

[Momof3Labs]

Is it official? If so, hugs and congrats!

YES, as of last Wednesday! Thank you!!

[liz]

I am so sorry OP :grouphug: I hope things improve soon.

[kara97210]

Sorry you are going through this. I have some experience with something similar in a previous relationship and it's not fun. Hope he can figure things out.

[lcarlson90]

Sorry you are going through a rough patch. DH and I have been through a few ourselves and counseling has always helped.

[mommy111]

:hug: I just wanted you to know that I do know of couples who have gone through this and turned out just fine. With a friend, it was just a cedeing control/asserting independance issue. It is never fun! But there are people who deal successfully with this

[hillview]

:hug: I just wanted you to know that I do know of couples who have gone through this and turned out just fine. With a friend, it was just a cedeing control/asserting independance issue. It is never fun! But there are people who deal successfully with this

Thanks for posting that. Maybe I am crazy but this is my hope.