How to be more engaged in after school hours with DS

[niccig]

Since I went on Winter Break, I've been much less stressed and more engaged with DS in after school hours. We've being having a blast, although exhausting as I've never been good at free play, much better if doing an activity together. I've also been turning screens off, so either we're doing something together or DS is playing on his own while I do dinner. But generally, I find I have trouble turning off everything else I'm thinking about when stressed and I want to find a way to do that once I start my next semester of classes.

I know I need to be better organized so I don't use those hours to go to grocery store etc. My schedule will also be better - I wasn't home until late 3 nights a week. This time it'll be only one night (but I'll miss bedtime) and I can pick him up when school finishes on 2 days and at 4pm on the other days, so we will have more time together. My schedule will also allow me to go to 2 weekly school events his missed me attending.

But the question still remains, how do I turn off my brain so that when we're together, I'm not worried about the exam the next day? I know a couple of WAHM and WOHM who seem to be able to compartmentalize work time and home time - a skill I do not have.

Thanks for any advice.

[Nechums]

My issue has always been random things that pop in my head that I "have" to do right away while I'm playing with DS. So I'd be playing and then realize that I have to send an email or check something on the computer. It all could wait, but I do it right away because at that moment it's something I feel I HAVE to do. Instead, I've started keeping a notepad with me when I play with DS and if something pops in my head I jot it down to do later. When I have some time (either when DS is eating or asleep) and look at my list and attack.

This may not work for your exact situation, but it has helped me immensely.

[egoldber]

I think having a schedule that changes every few months makes it harder. Any change means I am constantly having to reset my internal check list of things to do. It takes a few weeks for that to normalize for me.

But I also use a lot of written checklists, calendars, etc. so that I don't feel like I have to remember everything.

But I absolutely don't think about work once I leave the office. It's just gone until I get back the next day. I imagine that is a lot harder being back at school and having to do homework. The "nice" thing about work vs. school is I'm not really expected to work outside of work hours. The things that nag at me are the 1001 things I feel like I ought to be doing around the house.

[pinkmomagain]

I just started grad school in Sept. and I totally get what you are saying. I too am enjoying this winter break with a clear mind for my family.

I still get stressed during family time about all the work I need to do while classes are in session, but a few things that have helped me are:

- I really try to get alot done while everyone is out of the house at work and school.
- I do easier, quicker dinners. Not as yummy and healthy, but it saves my sanity. I've tried to make up for it now during the break with homemade cooking, and I've frozen some of it too for use during crazier times.
- I'm more lax with how the house looks. Well, I'm not exactly a neatfreak to begin with, but the house definitely looks even more lived-in while I have classes.
- I'm trying to use this break to get organized with home stuff while the kids are in school so I'm in better shape for spring semester.
- I do work after the kids are in bed.
- As Beth mentioned, I make lots of lists to keep track of all the work I need to do and to prioritize it.

All of these things help me be more present for my family-time. Still not perfect, and my family definitely feels it when I have school, but it all helps.

[redhookmom]

How about starting small. I would think to myself, I certainly can give my children 20 minutes of undivided attention. If anything pops in my mind I would just tell myself, there will be plenty of time after the 20 minutes. Then go bigger. Twenty minutes of undivided attention is better than an hour of almost paying attention.

[SnuggleBuggles]

Could you sign up for an activity together? Just once/ week, like indoor rock climbing? Something that forces you to get out and unplug.

[vludmilla]

Have you ever done any meditation? I was never a fan of meditation but I have in the last year become a big fan of mindfulness practice. Mindfulness is a little different than meditation; it is all about being present in the moment rather than focusing on the past or the future. I have found it to help me be calmer, less stressed, more available in the moment (with clients, my daughter...). I really love it. I also find it rather easy to incorporate into my daily routine and I have been pretty busy (FT job, writing a manuscript for publishing my dissertation in a peer reviewed journal...). If you're interested google Jon Kabat-Zinn. He is huge in the field and has authored many books on the subject. There are also lots of YouTube videos of him explaining mindfulness. Mindfulness for Beginners is an audio CD by him that is a helpful place to start out.

ETA: I have also found it to greatly reduce my tendency to get angry/overreact out of frustration.

[mik8]

I know a couple of WAHM and WOHM who seem to be able to compartmentalize work time and home time - a skill I do not have.


I really do think that is either an inherent skill or perhaps an acquired one due to repeated practice and application. In my case, I need to find time first to decompress. What are the ways you think you can decompress? Others resort to meditation, yoga, sometimes reading for a bit, etc... I personally like to take a bubble bath or shower. I think isolating oneself from work thoughts is truly a skill. My DD's 4th grade teacher has a master's degree in higher order thinking skills and she told me that a brain cannot effectively multitask. I have read this recently published too. I need to remind myself of that when my mind is pre-occupied with multiple thoughts all at once.

[niccig]

Thank you for all the great ideas. I do let my worries - school, all the house things, take away my focus from being in the moment. I know I have to get a handle on it, so that it doesn't bleed over to DS. Today I was calm and patient and his homework was easy to do. I saw he needed a break, after 5 mins he came back and finished up easily. When I'm so flustered I just keep pushing on and we end up getting upset with each other. I know a large part of my problem is not getting enough done when I can, so it carries over into times when DS is with me and trying to do homework, prepare dinner and I just get all flustered.

I like the idea of starting small and working up to more time, and the idea to have a notepad to write down all those things you think you have to do right now, which can really wait, is brilliant. I used to do some mindfulness practice in yoga ages ago, I do think that will help to get back into enjoying the now, even if just 10 mins at a time. I didn't think of setting up an activity for just the 2 of us to do. I take DS to his practices etc, but that's not us time - I'll have to think on this more to find something fun that we'll both like.