Help me fix impass with DH (personal/ adult)

[PunkyBoo]

I hate to "air my dirty laundry" and thought about this as a BP but I really would like some advice at bridging a difficult situation with DH. We've been married for 13 years and dated 5 years before we married and were friends for several years before dating- so he's been in my life significantly since I was 18.

Our life has been adjusting to my returning to work last spring after being a SAHM for 8.5 years. After so many years together I know well that he gets irritable when we don't have sex with some frequency. Sometimes I go into it when not in the mood, knowing I'll be better off and in the mood once we get started. But I'm the sterotypical female in that I have to be feeling warm and fuzzy to want to go there.

So I know we are both very busy at work and trying to juggle it all. We had sex on NYE but then a few days later I hurt my head and neck bit at home and was physically sore and recovering. So its been a few days and work is stressful and hes pretty irritable. Irritable enough that he's irritating me and so I'm just really not in the mood to make any effort in that department whatsoever.

But I do love him and would like to break the cycle of no sex-irtitable-even less sex-more
irritable... I don't feel emotionally able to "just do it" and "get it over with" because I'm kinda mad at him for being so irritable and taking it out on me (and in some small ways,
the kids too.) We probably are in need of s date night but we are so busy right now and I still feel so guilty being away from the kids more then I already have to be for work and we're trying to be mindful of our tight budget...

Anyone BTDT and have some advice on how to brreak the cycle?




the kids too).

[AnnieW625]

We go through this quite a bit. We don't have date nights as much as we should because I just can't afford to pay a sitter a minimum of $50-$60 just to go out for dinner and a movie to make up for whatever reason we aren't having sex (usually period or sick reason) so if we are in a funk I just kind of have to work through the funk and hope I feel better, quick so we are really both in the mood, and ready to do the deed again. Our main sitter options are DH's aunt and uncle but I try not to use them too much, and when our daycare has a parents night out as that is only $40.

[karstmama]

any chance for an at home date night? like you take a nice bubbly bath while he does bedtimes. you both have a glass of wine & watch an adult movie/tv show (like not kid friendly, not like porn...though that might work, too...) you have a small but luxurious dessert. once you're sure everyone else is asleep, you take date night to the bedroom.

and i hear you about the annoyed/irritable/not in the mood. but since you know from the past that if you push yourself a bit you'll get in the mood, this might help you feel it.

here's hoping!

[123LuckyMom]

Why not tell your DH you want to feel in the mood, so could he make an effort to be especially kind to you. Then follow karstmama's suggestion or something similar. I made a vow when I got married that I would never say no to sex, because I know I need it, too, and it does help heal whatever's ailing us. I know once we start I will enjoy it. I've violated my vow only a couple of times when I was physically injured. I have been where you are, though, where I was irritated or down right angry. I have told DH that I want to feel better, but I need him to help me. The man has literally gotten out of bed to put in a load of laundry or get me a drink from downstairs or something. Even just that small effort usually makes me laugh and feel better. will he respond to your saying you need him to make an effort to be sweet in order for you to feel good? That's what I would do.

[mushka]

Try this for some ideas:
http://www.amazon.com/Lube-Jobs-Womans-Guide-Maintenance/dp/B0015MG25O/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1357859532&sr=1-1&keywords=maintenance+sex

I think they just need to write something similar for guys...

[jayali]

i can totally relate, although our draughts last much longer then a week. i am embarrassed to say the last time we did the deed.

with me being in the mood is totally in my head and then my body follows and after being married 21 years my dh doesn't get that is beyond me.

like don't come up behind me and grab me and start rubbing yourself on me when I am running out the door so I am not late to my 8am meeting! BUT instead, how about you unload the dishwasher and fold the laundry so when i come home at 7 i don't have to start picking up the apartment. hmmm, sounds like this should be in the BP.

anyway, date night usually works for us, but we are trying to really stick to a budget so i hear you about not wanting to spend the money. i have tried talking to DH, but he is usually so cranky, because of the lack of the deed, that we end up fighting.

so i don't have any answers other then push yourself to do it and 'get it over with' so everyone feels better. that's what i usually do.

[dogmom]

After a years I finally looked at my husband and said:
"You want me to be in a mood for sex? Then make the bed after I got the kids up and got them to school and you slept in after I worked 3-12 hour shifts in a row getting up at 4:45 am. Don't leave the dishes in the sink with a full dishwasher of clean dished that I have to put away first after I come home from a 12 hour night shift. When I look tired after dinner, offer to clean up and tell me to take a nap." Because you know what? I'm like the people in the video game the Sims. If all this crap is going on, partly because of you, mostly because I things you don't control (work, the kids whining, my painful hip from birthing two 9 lb babies), all my little indicator bars go from green to red, then my libido bar is so in the red.

From my end I also try very hard to leave this stuff at the door of the bedroom. I also resolve to do things like if I can't sleep in the middle of the night maybe instead of getting up to post in the BBB I should try to jump my DH, or at least give him some oral sex. Then the dishes don't get left in the sink.

All I can say, is figure this out now. Because when you hit the peri-menopausal stage it really gets hard.

[MamaMolly]

Flirt. Seriously, it helps us a lot. We flirt with each other and it helps me to remember why I like DH so much. And you can also explain the concept of 'choreplay'. Seeing him doing something domestically helpful gets my engines running.

We joke a lot too. Recently our private giggle was that with 2 kids in the house our foreplay is locking the bedroom door!

[hillview]

honestly I just do it. I get that isn't where you are but that is what I do. I try really hard not to make sex a battle. It works about 99% of the time. Once in a blue moon it doesn't.

[mmommy]

honestly I just do it. I get that isn't where you are but that is what I do. I try really hard not to make sex a battle. It works about 99% of the time. Once in a blue moon it doesn't.

:yeahthat: that, that, that.
We've had much longer draughts, and I've come to realize that I don't need a night on the town (although that would be great). I need the kids asleep, the laundry and dishes at least not overflowing, a cold beer/glass of wine/cup of tea, 10-20 minutes of time sitting on the couch with DH and the dog watching TV/a movie/or otherwise unwinding, and then I'm ready.
I have noticed with DH that sometimes time to "talk" actually backfires recently. Some of the discussions we need to have are about major problems with extended family members, and these discussions are really depressing. So, sometimes laughing at an episode of King of the Hill first is better and we can have the discussion later.

[egoldber]

I need the kids asleep, the laundry and dishes at least not overflowing, a cold beer/glass of wine/cup of tea, 10-20 minutes of time sitting on the couch with DH and the dog watching TV/a movie/or otherwise unwinding, and then I'm ready.

Honestly, a couple glasses of wine or a vodka tonic and some, ahem, women's erotic fiction, helps to get me in the mood also. Getting a Kindle has greatly enhanced our sex life. :o

[lil_acorn]

Honestly, a couple glasses of wine or a vodka tonic and some, ahem, women's erotic fiction, helps to get me in the mood also. Getting a Kindle has greatly enhanced our sex life. :o

Any good book recommendations? Already BTDT with 50 shades and a bit disappointed by the horrible writing.

[egoldber]

Well, nothing in this genre is going to be War and Peace. ;)

I tend to read many different varieties of romantic fiction. Some favs of mine in no particular order or genre (some are considered "contemporary" romance, historical romance, paranormal romance, romantic suspense, etc.)

Lisa Kleypas
Lora Leigh
Maya Banks
Christine Feehan
Lara Adrian
Marie Force
Lisa Renee Jones


I also read a lot of free stuff from Amazon. I'm not really that picky as long as the story is decent. :)

[icunurse]

It sounds like you guys need to have a nice, uninterrupted talk, whether that is on a date night or some other quiet time. Honestly, the fact that he is being irritable about it and (consciously or unconsciously) making you feel bad just doesn't sit right with me. Just because people have different needs doesn't mean that one overrules the other. And, of course, having a little wooing always helps, even if that is just getting the kids in bed early, having a clean house, or just a little extra pampering or attention.

We have our moments over here where we fall off track a bit, mainly because I am low energy to begin with and by the time the kids are in bed and we relax a little, I am so exhausted that I just want to sleep. Now if he could get long lunches, we'd be great lol. But we talk a lot and understand each others needs and realize that just because it might not be a top priority today does not mean that we care any less about each other or won't get it achieved soon.

I guess I feel like, if my daughter ever came to me about a boyfriend or husband with the same complaints, I couldn't in good conscience just tell her to "just do it" or "go along with it, you'll eventually enjoy it" or "do it to keep him happy". To me, sex is about love and that is something both people have to be open about in order to have both people feeling satisfied equally.

[Kymberley]

honestly I just do it. I get that isn't where you are but that is what I do. I try really hard not to make sex a battle. It works about 99% of the time. Once in a blue moon it doesn't.

This is me as well.

[eh613c]

If he's in the mood, HE needs to put you in the mood too. DH and I have had spells like this and I know that he's not Don Juan DeMarco by any means. So I usually flirt with him via text in the morning. He flirts back and is usually good at it. By the end of the day, I'm pretty much in the mood. Also, talking to him about what you like will help tremendously. For a while, I just did it to get it over with but finally I told DH that I need to be in the mood and he needs to put me in that mindset. It was hard for me to have that conversation but I'm really glad that I did it because now he knows what to do.