how to teach a soon-to-be four year old to stand up for himself?

[lmh2402]

despite my many postings about the rages and *scenes* that occur with us... outside of the house, among peers, DS is often a pushover

i've been watching and watching...waiting to see some spark of him standing up for himself. but it just never happens.

the examples i could list are countless.

most of the time it's "kids being kids" - pushing ahead of him to the front of the line, snatching something out of his hands, refusing to give him turn when he meekly asks for one

sometimes they are downright mean and aggressive - today in karate there was a new kid. he was kind of a wild child. seriously bouncing off the walls.

anyway, in one of the drills the kids were "walking on their knees" across the room while doing their punches. this new kid zeroed in on DS and got behind him and as they were "walking" their way across the room, he was repeatedly punching DS in the back

the teacher didn't notice until the end.

at which point i was nearly in tears myself. and DS was so...pathetic. his face was bright red. he was embarrassed. and confused. and he just kind of slunk off to the edge of the group of kids and finished off the last of the class in near silence.

how do i help him?

we've tried role-playing and he will parrot back what i suggest. but when it comes down to it, he really just doesn't have any inkling to stand for himself

and to be totally clear, i don't mean in any way that i want him to return violence. not by any means. but it breaks my heart to see him not believe he deserves better

i plan to discuss with the psychologist we're working with on other issues.

but today left me so sad. id really love any BTDT or any suggestions b/c i just feel so badly for my baby

[TwinFoxes]

Honestly, if a kid was punching my kid in the back I would have spoken up. Just like anything else, some kids learn sticking up for themselves more slowly than others. I think giving him a script is a great idea, but three is a little young to expect him to consistently follow it. One thing I've noticed being a parent helper in our co-op, all the kids seem to take turns being the "wimp" for lack of a better term. I don't jump in there, or with my own 4 year olds if its bickering etc, but actual punching I do.

I bet the martial arts will end up helping him a lot, that's a good idea.

[georgiegirl]

He's a bit young for that responsibility. My son's preschool teachers say he has trouble sticking up for himself (he's 3), and they think it is because he doesn't want to seem like a troublemaker or incite the aggressive kid toward more aggression. Yes, it is good for him to stand up for himself, but the real problem is the other kid. His behavior is completely unacceptable, and it is not your son's responsibility to stop him. I know the teachers tell my DS to stay stuff like, "stop that," or "I was playing with that, you cannot take it from me." But if I know DS is being picked on, I tell the teachers to keep an eye on it. That type of bullying behavior needs to be nipped in the bud by an authority figure.

Sorry your son is dealing with it. I'm surprised my son gets targeted since he's not at all passive at home...quite the opposite. But he is the youngest and smallest boy in class.

[emily]

I agree with PP, I would've intervened. What was the parent if the other child doing?? I get more p!ssed at the other parents who just watch their kids bully other kids.

There was a bullying issue in DD's (3.5 yr old at the time) class last year. I gave her a script of words to use and instructions on what to do if someone was bothering her. I explained to her that just like she's supposed to keep her hands to herself and not use words that can make others feel sad, others should not do those same things to her. I also told her it was okay not to be friends with everyone. I have no idea if she does these things when I'm not with her but I just try to reinforce all the time. Seems to work around the house at least when her little bro hits her

[123LuckyMom]

I think speaking with the therapist is a good idea. I also would give him lots of chances at home to feel powerful. Let him make lots of choices and decisions. Play rough house and let him push you over and win. Generally let him practice feeling confident, powerful, and self-assured. Meanwhile, don't worry about outside the home. You and other adults can and should stick up for him there. The scripts probably aren't too helpful either since they may just reinforce that there's something he's not doing right. Just let him become confident at home, and it will translate to outside. You mentioned that he rages in the house. It really seems that he is feeling powerless in general. I think giving him the opportunity whenever you can to feel confident and powerful will help both the rages and the meekness outside the home. His therapist can give you suggestions on how best to do that.

[daisyd]

Hugs. So sorry that you're dealing with this. My DS1 is just the same.I second PPs who said that the teacher should be more vigilant and the other parent as well.I also feel its ok to intervene in this scenario. I'd speak to DS about this later on after stepping in. Sometimes it takes awhile for kids to be able to effectively learn assertiveness skills. And like PP said martial arts and any other activity that helps him shine (gain confidence) and gives him opportunities to interact socially and practice these skills are helpful. The psychologist should be able to give you ideas specific to your DS and situation. It does get better with maturity and practice as I've seen with my own DS Who is now a shade over 4yrs. I also point out and highlight social interactions that DS witnesses between other kids who've handled the bully differently and effectively for role modeling. Hang in there.

[maestramommy]

First of all, you have to advocate for your kid in a situation like the karate class. That is just not acceptable behavior and the teacher needs to be aware and see it sooner.

I think at 4 he is still young enough that you have to intervene if you see a situation where he is being picked on. I don't necessarily mean like if someone pushes to the front of a line. More like if someone just takes a toy away from him, or tries to muscle in on his play space.

[brittone2]

agree w PPs. We script, practice being assertive, talk through stuff, and I let them know they are NOT being unkind by being firm and assertive. I encourage them to give it a try on their own but if that isn't working, I will intervene when appropriate.