Who is being unreasonable?

[Jacksmommy2b]

We changed the baby's name when she was about a month old. We had a really hard time naming her, they pressured us to fill out the paperwork in the hospital and we chose a name we ended up not really loving.

So we changed it legally and since about 5 weeks she has been Annabel. No one has had a problem with it. The boys thought it was great and occasionally make comments about changing it again ;).

My step mother, who is notoriously difficult to begin with, has decided that she is just going to act as if we never changed her name. She is attached to Theresa as she suggested it and has never had kids of her own. She also suggested about 500 other names through the course of my pregnancy so I don't get why she is so hung up on this one. DH and I decided to leave her middle name as Theresa so I thought that would be enough to appease SM, but apparently not.

SM has flat out refused to call her anything but Tess. My father just calls her princess or baby girl or the like as not to set off SM, and has warned me she would probably never call her anything but Tess. It has been driving DH crazy for a while, but I figured eventually she was bound to feel like an a$$ being the only one calling her by a different name and would give it up. But she isn't, in fact she seems to take great pleasure calling her Tess as often as she possibly can and it is really starting to grate on my nerves.

Part of me wants to just get her alone and lay it out, I'm sorry your feelings were hurt, but her name is Annabel. Her middle name is Theresa specifically to make you happy, but I don't want to confuse her, please call her Annabel.

I don't really think one person calling her Tess will confuse her anymore than having people call her baby, princess, or pookie will confuse her. But, it is really annoying me and I hate to think rather than just moving on she will constantly be reminded she had a different name for a month by her crazy Grandmother.

So, what to do? Ignore it for a while longer and see if she gives up? Accept that this is what I get for changing baby's name? Confront her and ask her to stop?

[crl]

Well, you know her and I don't, so you'd know better how she would react to a direct request. But that would drive me crazy. I would ask her to stop.

If it makes you feel any better my crazy grandmother sometimes called me by my middle name--well, sort of, she called me by the nicknames of both of my names so a weird nickname double name fest. My middle name was her middle name so I assume that's why she did it. My parents didn't change my name and her son/my dad actually chose the order of the names based on his preference. I have no idea if she did this when I was a baby, but I remember her doing it when I was in grade school. I just looked at her like she was nuts and eventually she stopped.

Catherine

[EllasMum]

Ugh, unreasonable people suck. In this situation, I would probably just carry on calling your DD by her new name, and let your step-mother call her Tess. Like you said, it won't confuse her or anything else. If she eventually asks (years from now) why SM calls her Tess, you can explain that SM loves her middle name and suggested it so wanted to use that name. As for SM, I would just ignore her and continue to refer to your DD by the name YOU chose. It's not getting worked up over, IMHO (I know, easier said than done :hug:).

[ahisma]

I think that she is way out of line, but I'd let it be. It would drive me bonkers, but from what you've said she's not likely to change.

It sounds like she's crying out for attention. I'd refuse to give it to her and ignore what she's doing.

[TxCat]

This feels exactly like a Dear Prudence letter on slate.com!

I would have a direct conversation about it with your father and stepmother - if you think that a face to face conversation could get too heated, then consider a letter or email. Thank them for being loving and involved grandparents. Explain that while it was hard to make the decision to change the name, Annabel feels much more fitting for the baby and your family, and your daughter is Annabel now, not Tess or Theresa. Like other parenting decisions, such as discipline and house rules, your father and SM may not agree with your stance but you expect them to respect your decisions so as to maintain consistency; the name situation is no different. By them using a different name, they run the risk of confusing your daughter and sons, and are frustrating you and your DH. Then thank them for respecting your wishes.

Personally, this isn't an area I would dance around or sugarcoat.

[wellyes]

I would find her massively annoying, but I'd ignore her. She's probably massively annoying anyway so this changes nothing. You can pretend you don't mind that she is referring to your daughter by her middle name.

But I would flat out tell your dad to call the baby by her name. If SM wants to be a jerk, fine, but don't let it interfere with the granddaughter/granddad relationship.

[daisyd]

Ugh, unreasonable people suck. In this situation, I would probably just carry on calling your DD by her new name, and let your step-mother call her Tess. Like you said, it won't confuse her or anything else. If she eventually asks (years from now) why SM calls her Tess, you can explain that SM loves her middle name and suggested it so wanted to use that name. As for SM, I would just ignore her and continue to refer to your DD by the name YOU chose. It's not getting worked up over, IMHO (I know, easier said than done :hug:).

Exactly this. I'd be more than annoyed but this would be my strategy based on what you're saying about the situation and your SM. May be your DD will eventually correct your SM like PP Catherine did her GM :)

[hellokitty]

Ugh, what a jerk! I would have a talk with her and be blunt that the baby's name's been changed, and it is no longer Tess. Then if she continues to call the baby Tess, I would let it go, your dd will eventually ask why step GM calls her a different name and basically step-GM will look like a loon, all on her own. I agree with another poster that your SM is just looking for attn. My dad is a lot like this, where I feel as if is difficult, just for the sake of being difficult. So, if he knows that something bugs you, he will do it on purpose. In many ways, I think that the best way to deal with a-holes like this is just to ignore them. If they don't get the rise that they are looking for, they will get bored and just drop it and find something else to do/say to annoy you instead. I'm sorry she's like that, ppl who are like this suck.

[Neatfreak]

The vengeful part of me would just start calling the SM an incorrect name on purpose ...

[cvanbrunt]

She's enjoying annoying you. I'd be tempted to have Annabel refer to her by a super-awful name like Step-Grandmother or Meemaw. But I'm a b!tch.

[crl]

The vengeful part of me would just start calling the SM an incorrect name on purpose ...

:hysterical: Or a really annoying version of grandma. GeeMaw Pookie?

Catherine

[twowhat?]

She's enjoying annoying you. I'd be tempted to have Annabel refer to her by a super-awful name like Step-Grandmother or Meemaw. But I'm a b!tch.

:hysterical: Sorry, OP. I have no idea what I would do. But it makes sense to just ignore her and it will come back to bite her later when she's the only one calling her Tess. Just wait until your DD is a tween. Mwahahaha.

[AnnieW625]

My in laws call DD1 EJ (her initials), which bothers DH and I to no end. Up until the last year DD1 wouldn't acknowledge anyone who didn't call her Elisa. She gets Alyssa, and Alicia a lot as well. DH and I would always call her Elisa in front of the in laws but we weren't snarky about it. Examole MIL would ask how EJ liked something we would say Elisa really likes this. I felt like it was going over MIL's head (MIL is no dummy or airhead I think she just blocked it out mentally).

[hellokitty]

She's enjoying annoying you. I'd be tempted to have Annabel refer to her by a super-awful name like Step-Grandmother or Meemaw. But I'm a b!tch.

LMAO! I NEVER want to be called, "meemaw!" I know it is a southern thing, but it makes my skin crawl. I had one friend who has a mil who she doesn't like. Her mil wants her kids (grandkids) to call her, "nannut." The first time I saw this on my friend's facebook, I PM'd her and asked her whose idea it was to have the kids call their gma, "nannut?" I guess it was the gma's idea, but I just thought it was HILARIOUS, since her mil IS kind of nutty, kwim?

So, OP, I would also like to recommend, "Nannut" as one of the possible contenders for your SM's new gma name, lol. I love how it has the word, "nut" in it! So perfect!

[TwinFoxes]

I think you guys are underestimating the ability of someone like that to be obnoxious. I doubt she'll ever feel silly because she's the only one calling her Tess. I think she's going to keep enjoying dissing OP's choice.

OP, I think if you want her to knock it off a direct request is the only option. But I think there's a good chance she'll still ignore it, or get into a years long snit. You have to decide if its worth it. I can see where it would be.

I read an article once about how grandparents hate the names our generation chooses, and how they make up nicknames to the annoyance of the parents. So you're not alone OP. BTW, I like the name Annabel a lot, and considered it for DDs.

(OT, but is Tess really a nickname for Teresa? I had no idea!)

[niccig]

I love the idea of giving her a name she doesn't like.

My name is spelled differently than normal. My older sister took it upon her when I was a baby to correct everyone who spelt it wrong. We have a family friend who tells me she has never forgotten how to spell my name as my sister at 4 told her flat out she was doing it wrong and then spelled it out very slowly for her to rewrite. She there's a chance your boys will correct Nannut (love the name)

[almostamom]

I'm not one to confront people, but I could not let this go. I would have a conversation along the lines of what TX Cat suggested. Then, being the passive aggressive person that I am, I would buy a few personalized shirts or dresses with Annabel embroidered across the front and have the baby wear those whenever your stepmom was around or especially if you were out somewhere with her. It will make her look like the idiot she's choosing to be.

[niccig]

I love the idea of giving her a name she doesn't like.

My name is spelled differently than normal and it's the shortened version of a longer name. I don't respond to the longer name as it's not my name and I tell people that when they call me the longer name. My older sister took it upon her when I was a baby to correct everyone who spelled it wrong. We have a friend of my mother's who tells me she has never forgotten how to spell my name as my sister at 4 told her flat out she was doing it wrong and then spelled it out very slowly for her to rewrite. She there's a chance your DC will correct Nannut (love the name)

[California]

That would annoy me to no end. It sounds like this is a bit of a power play/bullying type behavior on her part.

If you see her frequently- does she call the baby Tess around other people (besides her DH and her own friends)? First, you might try calling in a good friend or family members for help. Someone she doesn't know very well. If she calls the baby Tess have them point it out, 'Did you just call the baby by the wrong name? Don't forget, her name is Annabel!' The positive peer pressure may help.

If that doesn't work, then my plan B would be to call her on it gently and calmly, "Her name is Annabel, not Tess." And then think of it as a game. Seriously. You and DH will survive this much better if you figure out a way to have some fun with it. Make bets on how many times she'll say it. Whatever works for you! And then while Annabel is a baby calmly doing as a PP suggested: Step: "Can I hold Tess." You: "You would like to hold Annabel?" Or step: "Tess looks tired." You: "Annabel? Annabel is about ready for her nap." (And inwardly thinking, 'that's five times, I win the bet.') If you don't see her very often, she will discover that toddler Annabel will not answer to Tess and that may take care of this. Because toddlers are honest and Annabel will look at SM likes she's crazy. Which, maybe, she kind of is.

[Momit]

I think TwinFoxes is right - she knows exactly what she's doing, she enjoys it and I bet she's really stubborn, those types usually are. Maybe it will take your DD (when she's old enough) saying "Meemaw, it makes me really sad when you call me that" to make her stop. It would annoy me, too, but I might be tempted to wait it out. The more she knows it annoys you, the more it probably makes her want to keep doing it.

[Green_Tea]

Your stepmother is being evil. I'd ask her, calmly, to stop. If she persists, I'd start calling her (step mom) by a completely different first name. If she asks why you're doing that, you can say that you happen to like Ursula/Morticia/Maleficent more than her given name and that since she has decided to call your DD by a first name that's not her own, you assumed that she wouldn't mind if you did the same for her.

[squimp]

You could wait until she is old enough to tell her that her name is not Tess. But I think I would try to tackle it now. I think every time she did it, I would pretend like she didn't get the memo. I would say in kind of a loud, overly clear voice "oh meemaw, I'm sorry you keep forgetting that her name is Annabel. She is going to be so confused if you call her something else. Isn't that right, Annabel?" I don't know your dynamic, but I would keep pretending like she is getting forgetful. I would probably also throw in a "who's Tess?" But I am also kind of a bitch. ;)

[buddyleebaby]

Your stepmother is being evil. I'd ask her, calmly, to stop. If she persists, I'd start calling her (step mom) by a completely different first name. If she asks why you're doing that, you can say that you happen to like Ursula/Morticia/Maleficent more than her given name and that since she has decided to call your DD by a first name that's not her own, you assumed that she wouldn't mind if you did the same for her.

:ROTFLMAO:

Your SM is being unreasonable, rude, and weird. It's not her baby, she has no say in the name, and she's not being cute or funny. And honestly, were my Dad to tell me that she would never call her anything but Tess, I would have replied that she will have to, because TESS IS NOT HER NAME.

I had sort of a similar thing with my MIL- not that she called me by adifferent name, but she insisted on using on a different pronunciation (purposely) after I corrected her several times after the course of several years. Annoying and disrespectful. No advice on how to handle it, though, as I no longer speak to her.

[s7714]

Honestly I think you should take a deep breath and ignore it. I'd really question if 5-10 years down the road will her calling her Tess really matter vs. that far down the road dealing with a destroyed family relationship? In a few years your DD will be old enough to have her own opinion on the matter anyway. If she hates it and refuses to let Grandma call her it, then you'll get your just reward. If she loves it, well it *is* part of her name.

It's more about a power struggle than the name it sounds like. But, as with DCs you should pick your battles. If this is something that means that much to you then carry on.

[Jacksmommy2b]

SM is an incredibly difficult person to begin with. Yes to the Bully/Emotional Immaturity/Rude issues. We have had a great many difficulties through the years and have finally come to an *Kay* place. I do believe she really loves my kids, but has very little concept of how to interact/love them YK? She gets very easily overwhelmed by the everyday chaos of small kids and can't relate at.all. But I think she really wants to love them. I don't know, I am constantly torn between feeling bad for her and having her annoy the ever loving heck out of me.

TBH, I think it is why I have let her get away with it this long. I have been hoping she'll just get over it and be reasonable as I really don't want to create crazy drama. And there will be, of that I have no doubt. One of my dad's expressions is 'you can't reason with crazy' which is a pretty great breakdown of trying to reason with her.

For example - Annabel has some really serious food issues. She has FPIES and I am on a crazy restricted diet to try to accommodate her intolerances as she can't tolerate even elemental formulas. SM is throwing a tantrum over the fact we see a family practice instead of a pediatrician. She will not get off my case no matter how well I feel like I am explaining why I am very happy with the Dr. we have. We have the top rated pedi allergist and pedi GI in the *country* in addition to the FP Dr and according to her that just isn't good enough as our Dr can't possibly know enough about babies and she needs a REAL Pedi. This family Dr has been our Dr since I was a baby and I trust him more than any other medical professional ever.

Even my dad has tried to explain to her that I am a hell of an advocate for Annabel and take every medical decision very seriously and she just won't give it up.

I think that is probably why I am reaching a breaking point with the name thing. She is coming really close to me no longer being diplomatic.

[karstmama]

i think i'd lay it out like this - 'sm, i know you like theresa. we do too, and i don't mind you calling her tess as long as she doesn't mind. but to people outside this room, she's annabel, please.' then it's a sorta cute mainly annoying thing she does that doesn't really matter. *but* if she's trying to spread the word that her name is tess, totally call her on it - 'sm, please don't. tess is only between the two of you. her name is annabel.'

because, of course, you can't make her do or not do anything, sadly.

[♥ms.pacman♥]

Eek. She is definitely being unreasonable. Based on what you wrote about her, it sounds like she gets off on doing something for your DD that you have no say in...she is calling her Tess bc she KNOWS you don't like it. Incredibly frustrating, i imagine. I have no advice, just hugs!

[Simon]

We had some trouble with the ILs (FIL), plus Dh's aunts and cousins calling Ds2 a different name. Dh named Ds2 under the very explicit agreement that he would never be called (by us) the nickname "Mike." (not really, but as an example). When he grows up he can pick Mike, his friends can call him Mike, but not while he is a baby/toddler. In our case Ds2 was old enough to be confused by people expecting him to respond to this other (sounds nothing like his) name.

Well, somehow this information didn't get through to this part of the family. They were calling Ds2 Mike, both while taking to Ds2 and in passing, etc. We were careful to always use his name, sometimes correcting, "Oh, do you mean Joe?" FIL thought it was funny/that I was being obnoxious for insisting on using his name so I started calling him other names. Oh look Ds2, its Grampy Pampy. Give your Grampy pop-pop a hug! Smile for Grampa Jimmy-Wimmy. I only had to do it one time. I think giving him a taste of being called something else showed him it wasn't as cute/funny as he thought.

In your case, I might ask if there is a reason she insists on using Tess. It might just be that she wants to have a special nickname for your Dd. (that's the only generous idea I can come up with).

[fedoragirl]

Your recent post suggests that there are more issues at play here than the name game. She may be feeling deprived of having her "chance" at having babies or whatever but it seems like she's trying to live her chance at motherhood through your DD. Or it could just be a power play.
I would take her out to a neutral place (restaurant) and calmly explain to her that she is being manipulative, upsetting your family dynamic and questioning your sole place as a mother. I would be diplomatic about it since you don't want the drama but very firm. However, she sounds like my mom who just doesn't get some of our decisions and continues to question them till I stop being diplomatic and just give an ultimatum. I told her that naming our DD was solely our decision and none of her business after she questioned me the day I had DD through a difficult c-section about the name we chose for her, and she wouldn't drop it. That's what works with her unfortunately. Only you know what will work with your step mom.

[elizabethkott]

Dena, it strikes me that this is an IDEAL time for whipping out "VAGINA!!!!!" :D
"SM, did you push this child out of your VAGINA?! No? Then you can't call her Tess."
Or just start calling SM "Vagina". But make it rhyme with "Regina". And tell her that you like that name for her better. And every time she calls your sweet baby Tess, in a sickly sweet voice, "Thank you, Vageeeeeena. It's so nice to see how much you love ANNABEL, VagEEEEEEEEEEna."
Or every time she calls her Tess, shout "VAGINA!!!!!".
In all seriousness, this woman is being a b!tch. This is *your* child. NOT hers. You call the shots, in EVERY regard. She needs to step off, and if she needs a little bit of "vagina" to get there, so be it. :icon_twisted:

[Tondi G]

Do you know what Step Mothers middle name is? Does she like it? If she doesn't I would start referring to her as her middle name. Maybe she'll get the point? Maybe she'll ask you why you are calling her that? Then you can come back with, well you choose to call my child by her middle name when everyone else knows her name is Annabel, so maybe if you get to experience it yourself you will understand why you need to refer to my child by her FIRST NAME!

what a PITA! Good Luck

[StantonHyde]

The vengeful part of me would just start calling the SM an incorrect name on purpose ...

Oh yes, this would be me. Start calling SM by her middle name. When she asks say, I thought you were calling everybody by their middle name...

Ignore, ignore. At some point, your children (and DD) will say "She's not Tess, she's Annabelle, you silly".

Or maybe she will be like DS and decide to be different Disney characters every day when he was 2 and get mad if you didn't call him Donald Duck...

[StantonHyde]

Dena, it strikes me that this is an IDEAL time for whipping out "VAGINA!!!!!" :D
"SM, did you push this child out of your VAGINA?! No? Then you can't call her Tess."
Or just start calling SM "Vagina". But make it rhyme with "Regina". And tell her that you like that name for her better. And every time she calls your sweet baby Tess, in a sickly sweet voice, "Thank you, Vageeeeeena. It's so nice to see how much you love ANNABEL, VagEEEEEEEEEEna."
Or every time she calls her Tess, shout "VAGINA!!!!!".
In all seriousness, this woman is being a b!tch. This is *your* child. NOT hers. You call the shots, in EVERY regard. She needs to step off, and if she needs a little bit of "vagina" to get there, so be it. :icon_twisted:

:hysterical::hysterical::hysterical:

Yes, yes, of course!!!! How could I have forgotten the best piece of BBB wisdom EVER!!!

[baileygirl]

She sounds a bit nutty, so I am not really certain there is anything you can really do. That said I would be tempted to get a shirt that says "Annabel" and would be tempted to have her wear it EVERY time she sees her.

[kara97210]

I have a friend with a very, very similar situation. She named her DD after her mother and her MIL and her mother do not get along. Her MIL has always called the girl (who is now 7) by a nickname version of her middle name and it drives my friend crazy. There have been numerous family arguments about this and everyone, including FIL, thinks MIL is out of line, but she still calls the girl by that name.

Agree with PP, your step mom knows exactly what she is doing. I would address it with her in a direct/concise way (“we’d rather not confuse Annabel, and all call her one name”), but be prepared for her to ignore your request. At that point you can decide if it’s worth it to press it or just ignore her. If she is anything like my friend’s MIL she probably enjoys the attention she gets from being different/annoying and nothing will make her change.

[MamaMolly]

Ursula/Morticia/Maleficent

Wipe the floor with her!!!!

Green Tea these are awesome :bowdown:

[anamika]

In my family, we (adults) each have our own special name for my nephew. It's very sweet actually. My dad does call him something that is a nickname for his alternate name but it is not done with malice at all. I call him a nickname that I made up when he was born.
Same thing with SIL's kid. Only Dh and I call him by a particular nickname. Again everyone is fine with it.
I think it is very sweet and special and my nephews always know who sent the card, who is calling etc.
If it seems like your Sm will not change (sounds like she is doing for the wrong reasons though), I wonder if it would help you deal with it if you thought of it as her special name for DD?
I am of the opinion that this is not something I would choose to do battle over - not because it is not important but more because you are giving her the satisfaction of knowing she is annoying you. If you ignore it, you have basically taken the sting out of her actions, iykwim.
Just my 2 cents.

[AngelaS]

Perhaps it's time to have a talk with your dad about the early onset Alzheimer's symptoms your smom is having. Not being able to remember her grand child's name may be the first sign of a much bigger issue.....