Husband actually asked -what do you do all day

[MomtoNico]

I had a feeling things were coming to this. I have been home with the kids for about 4 years now. I know I don't need to explain to everyone I am very busy. And by 7 or 8 o'clock I am done. The kids fight constantly and I get tired trying to keep them busy. I am happy to be home with them. And don't want to go back to work any time soon. I am so mad at him right now I can't talk to him. He just doesn't get it. Not sure what to do now.

[ahisma]

Last week, mine made a google calendar and asked me to put a note on it when I did anything around the house. I was LIVID.

And - get this. He's a teacher. He was on vacation for two weeks. I'm working (part time consulting from home) and studying for the bar exam. Oh, and we have three kids.

I did use the calendar. Once. His first day back at school I had the trash company pick up the sofa that he adore and I hate (the fabric was shredding - it truly was time for it to go even if the timing was anger driven). I posted "threw away the sofa" on the calendar and met a friend for a mimosa (definitely NOT my standard MO - I'm lucky to get a cup of coffee in the morning).

I'm still mad, but that felt really, really good to do.

[infomama]

Last week, mine made a google calendar and asked me to put a note on it when I did anything around the house. I was LIVID.



Oh hell no. He'd be on the couch.

[Tondi G]

just breathe ... yeah if he doesn't get it ... he probably won't get it no matter how you try to explain it to him. I am thankful that my DH has been able to see a little into my days since he has been out of work. I'm sure he still feels like I could be doing more .... and I probably could be. But seeing as though Mamas are on duty from the time the kids get home from school until they go to bed I think we are entitled to a little down time during the day when the kids are in school. Is he pushing you to get a job or do you think that is what is coming down the pipe?

(HUGS)

[ha98ed14]

I did use the calendar. Once. His first day back at school I had the trash company pick up the sofa that he adore and I hate (the fabric was shredding - it truly was time for it to go even if the timing was anger driven). I posted "threw away the sofa" on the calendar and met a friend for a mimosa

:jammin: AND :ROTFLMAO: AND:bowdown:

[Tondi G]

:jammin: AND :ROTFLMAO: AND:bowdown:

yeah ... what she said!!!! :)

[MomtoNico]

No he doesn't expect me to work. He just thinks I should be getting more done. I still have a 2 year old who is very hard to deal with sometimes. He blames that on me. The hous is t always neat. I do have people over a lot. So once everyone leaves. The house is a mess. Go figure.

[123LuckyMom]

I say you take a week long vacation and let him stay home for a week. I've thought about doing this sooooo many times. I'd spend just as much time with the children as he does, of course. I would be there from 6:30-8:30pm every day. From 6:30-7:30 I'd eat the dinner he prepared and do a little email checking. Then I'd relax a little while he bathed the children. I might even hold the baby for a few minutes and put her into her pjs if he reminded me to do it. If he left the room to go to the bathroom and told DS to brush his teeth and go potty while he was gone, I might even half heartedly tell DS to do it a few times until he came back into the room and actually made things happen. I might decide that was the best time to fly DS around the room and toss him on his bed, though. Then I'd leave just as the baby was falling asleep so that DS would yell after me to stay or fly him again and wake the baby up. If there was any mess left in the living room or kitchen, I'd just step right over it or walk right past. No worries, though. I'd come back for my dinner the very next day!

[KpbS]

On those kind of days (and my DH is very understanding of a messy house so the topic is rarely broached) I just start at the beginning and list what I did which usually involves me starting a few projects like putting laundry away, grocery shopping, sweeping, cooking just to be interrupted constantly by breaking up fights, pulling DD out of the pantry after she emptied a bag of cookies on the floor/pulled my purse down off the counter and emptied the contents/broke a plate/got into the water dispenser of the fridge/turned the sink on in the bathroom full blast for several minutes/managed to get into some board games and liberate many small pieces/etc. Its exhausting.

I think a play by play can be good or let him take a day or two off while you go on an overnight trip with a girlfriend and leave him a very detailed list of what to feed the kids, clean, shop for etc.

[new_mommy25]

You can send him this: http://www.momaroo.com/675336553/joke-what-did-you-do-today-honey/

[plusbellelavie]

I did use the calendar. Once. His first day back at school I had the trash company pick up the sofa that he adore and I hate (the fabric was shredding - it truly was time for it to go even if the timing was anger driven). I posted "threw away the sofa" on the calendar and met a friend for a mimosa (definitely NOT my standard MO - I'm lucky to get a cup of coffee in the morning).
.


:love5::bighand::rotflmao:

this had be laughing out loud!Would love to know how he toke it?

OP I am sorry that your DH doens't get all you do...perhaps you should just not do anything all day/week...no dishes, no laundry, no dinner, etc so that you can see all you do with your day all the while having your kids clean, fed, dressed, and healthy. It is a lot to juggle and it is tiring....plus there is only so many hours in a day! We get it....so big:hug:! Hopefully by you telling him how much he has hurt you with his statement he will understand that there are days you get "more" done then others! Perhaps ask him what he "thinks" you should be doing that you are not doing?

My DH is pretty good but does have his moments but mostly when he is under lots of stress from being overworked and traveling all the time and wishes that I had taken care of some chore or other feeling that I have more "time"then he does to it.

[maestramommy]

Has your Dh ever spent a day alone with the kids? If not, it's high time. Better yet, go away over night, come back the next day around the time he would usually get home from work.

[s7714]

Has your Dh ever spent a day alone with the kids? If not, it's high time. Better yet, go away over night, come back the next day around the time he would usually get home from work.

:yeahthat:

[niccig]

He's still alive?
If yes, lucky man.

I agree it's time to go away for a weekend and do not prep anything. Let him figure out what you do each day.

[DrSally]

Wow, I'd be livid. I'm so sorry, that's just inexcusable

[sariana]

My DH does these things all the time. And yes, he has stayed alone with the kids. And yes, he gets more done than I do. So that plan does not work for me.

Truth is, I DON'T do us much as he does. But we have different standards. And he is not a happy person, so why would I want to do things his way?

[tmahanes]

Last week, mine made a google calendar and asked me to put a note on it when I did anything around the house. I was LIVID.

And - get this. He's a teacher. He was on vacation for two weeks. I'm working (part time consulting from home) and studying for the bar exam. Oh, and we have three kids.

I did use the calendar. Once. His first day back at school I had the trash company pick up the sofa that he adore and I hate (the fabric was shredding - it truly was time for it to go even if the timing was anger driven). I posted "threw away the sofa" on the calendar and met a friend for a mimosa (definitely NOT my standard MO - I'm lucky to get a cup of coffee in the morning).

I'm still mad, but that felt really, really good to do.

I would have gone through the roof I would have been so angry. Then I would have entered an event for every SINGLE thing I did all day and I would have invited him to every single event so that he got 9 million emails all day!

801 took DS to the potty
804 went to the bathroom my self with DS staring at me
807 started washer
Etc ALLLLLLLLL DAY LONG!

but then I can be really b!tchy sometimes! ;-)

Sent from my DROID RAZR

[StantonHyde]

My DH does these things all the time. And yes, he has stayed alone with the kids. And yes, he gets more done than I do. So that plan does not work for me.

Truth is, I DON'T do us much as he does. But we have different standards. And he is not a happy person, so why would I want to do things his way?

Dh can get more done than I do, but the kids watch TV the whole time. You have to set parameters--kids must not have screen time, must be happy, engaged and entertained. Now, see what you can get done!

[StantonHyde]

I would have gone through the roof I would have been so angry. Then I would have entered an event for every SINGLE thing I did all day and I would have invited him to every single event so that he got 9 million emails all day!

801 took DS to the potty
804 went to the bathroom my self with DS staring at me
807 started washer
Etc ALLLLLLLLL DAY LONG!

but then I can be really b!tchy sometimes! ;-)

Sent from my DROID RAZR

This would be me. This is why my DH knows better than to ever ask that question. Despite the fact that the clutter drives him crazy.

[citymama]

This is clearly a man who does waaaaay too little around the house.

My DH could answer that question for him - and tell him how going to work is a break from housework and childcare.

Ahisma, I agree with the moment by moment calendar updating so he gets a reeeeallly good sense of what you do - and how easy he has it by comparison. Good job listing the couch and getting a mimosa - now go repeat!

[Tinochka]

It’s time for you to get BUSY ASAP, so, that you need to leave kids with your DH for full day. Do not provide insturctions;).
If my DH will say anything like that, the couch will be wating for him and his laundry (we do not dry clean).

[magnoliaparadise]

OP, I agree that you should go on a nice vacation for a few days and leave DH to it. If you don't use TV to entertain the kids, disable them while gone so DH doesn't either, same goes for Ipads, etc.

The couch story was hilarious from the second poster. How did DH take it?

I used to work long hours and now am at home and I have to say, 1) I never ever realized how much work it took to raise children and keep the house running (and we rent and live in a relatively small apartment) and how much I've always depended upon my nanny to make decisions about the kids - and here all this time I FELT that I knew how hard it was before even though I didn't; and 2) noooo one understands how much work it is and I get that comment or some insinuation of it periodically from friends ('what do you do all day?' or 'oh, I wish I was in your shoes so I could get so much done'). Yeahhh, I'm getting so much done here... it's like a year off to just do my own thing, read books, eat chocolates, buy the latest Coach bag, catch up on soaps...

[TwinFoxes]

Dh can get more done than I do, but the kids watch TV the whole time. You have to set parameters--kids must not have screen time, must be happy, engaged and entertained. Now, see what you can get done!

Exactly. I couldn't figure out how he got stuff done. Then he told me what they watched on tv. Also, the girls aren't constantly insisting he plays with them like they do with me. My DH gets that though, he's never made one "what do you do" comment.

[anamika]

Not sure what to do now.


I think it is time for you to develop a mysterious womanly complaint that requires you to lie in bed all day on the weekend - doctor's orders. I would of course, accidentally disable the wireless and the cable before this - you know all the wires came apart when I was dusting back there.

[MomtoNico]

I Like the idea of a night away. I may just do that. Last time I went shopping with my friends he stayed in with the kids and watched tv and played video games. I was livid. I have. Friend in ny I think I may visit.

[SnuggleBuggles]

I Like the idea of a night away. I may just do that. Last time I went shopping with my friends he stayed in with the kids and watched tv and played video games. I was livid. I have. Friend in ny I think I may visit.

A night away is not enough. Anyone can muscle through a night of parenting, especially if you just do tv and video games (which I admit to doing :)). But, a whole weekend is a much bigger effort b/c there are lots of meals, clothes to change, chores that really can't wait and even if kids love tv, it is doubtful they'd be content to have that be the only entertainment for the week. So, I am lobbying for a whole weekend.

[OKKiddo]

My DH does these things all the time. And yes, he has stayed alone with the kids. And yes, he gets more done than I do. So that plan does not work for me.

Truth is, I DON'T do us much as he does. But we have different standards. And he is not a happy person, so why would I want to do things his way?

The point is, he took time off to try to replicate what you do and show you how he can do it better. All the while knowing he only had to put in x% effort before going back to his "real" job. He didn't have to do it day in and day out with no end in sight and no idea when he was going to get a break or get to have a real adult conversation again--or mental stimulation to make it seem worth it.

That's how what he did differed from what you do everyday. And the only way for him to get it is if you took off and left him wondering when you would be back and we're just not wired that way--could never do something like that to prove a point to our DH's while knowing it would emotionally harm our children.

Time to take care of only you and the children--let him see how all the extras in the day that you take time for affect him too. (ie, do only yours and the children's laundry, cook only for you and the children, clean up only after yourself and the children, buy groceries/snacks only for what you and the children like, etc.) Oh, and leave obvious hints about what he can do to make it up to you (pamphlets about massages, day spa's, nanny services, maid services, weekend getaways, etc.).

If my husband ever said anything like that to me, I would be set on showing him--to include a video or audio diary, blow by blow in real time during the day so he can HEAR and SEE what juggling really is. ;)

[maestramommy]

If my husband ever said anything like that to me, I would be set on showing him--to include a video or audio diary, blow by blow in real time during the day so he can HEAR and SEE what juggling really is. ;)

We actually have security cameras set up around the house so we can monitor while we are away. But it also means Dh can check in on what's going on while he's at work. I don't care if he sees me net-surfing, he sees it when he's at home:tongue5:. He can also see when the kids are at their worst while I am truly trying to accomplish anything productive. Which amounts to my completely ignoring WWIII. The point is, if you had this set up he could see what you do.

Actually when we had only 1 DC our first Christmas Dh took a week off just to spend at home with us. After only a couple of days he said," Now I know why you can't seem to get things done. Your time is completely fractured because you keep getting interrupted." After having 3 DC he is so thankful to go back to work after a weekend at home:tongue5:

[flashy09]

I did use the calendar. Once. His first day back at school I had the trash company pick up the sofa that he adore and I hate (the fabric was shredding - it truly was time for it to go even if the timing was anger driven). I posted "threw away the sofa" on the calendar and met a friend for a mimosa (definitely NOT my standard MO - I'm lucky to get a cup of coffee in the morning).

I'm still mad, but that felt really, really good to do.

That is awesome! I hope you wrote that mimosa on the calendar too! I would have gone totally passive aggressive with that myself.

[BayGirl2]

On those kind of days (and my DH is very understanding of a messy house so the topic is rarely broached) I just start at the beginning and list what I did which usually involves me starting a few projects like putting laundry away, grocery shopping, sweeping, cooking just to be interrupted constantly by breaking up fights, pulling DD out of the pantry after she emptied a bag of cookies on the floor/pulled my purse down off the counter and emptied the contents/broke a plate/got into the water dispenser of the fridge/turned the sink on in the bathroom full blast for several minutes/managed to get into some board games and liberate many small pieces/etc. Its exhausting.

I think a play by play can be good or let him take a day or two off while you go on an overnight trip with a girlfriend and leave him a very detailed list of what to feed the kids, clean, shop for etc.
:yeahthat:
To be completely honest, I think an educational approach to this kind of question will be more productive (and better for the marriage) than an emotional reaction.

In his defense, I get where he's coming from, when you are not there in the thick of daily child raising it feels like a valid question, not an insult. In fact often if DH is home with the kids for a day I have all these expectations in my mind of what he'll accomplish and he doesn't. (Not because he's not efficient or a good dad or housekeeper, we parent equally and he's as good at it as I am.) I've been home with kids/babies all day and I get how hard it is, and the non-productivity of it is what drives me mad. But when you're not in the thick of it its really easy to look at your super productive work day and think about how much you accomplish and forget how much kids/babies can muck that up.

I tend to think its better to share more of the detail and laugh about it. "Aww, today was so frustrating, I tried to make a shopping list and B interrupted me 3 times to go potty while K stole my pen and paper and wrote on the couch. So much for shopping today <eye roll>" Then you are bonding over the hardships of parenting and coming at it as partners who are trying to relate to each other. No, you can't expect the WOH parent to ever 100% understand it, just as the SAH parent will probably never 100% understand the daily activities of a paying job they've never had. But I think making it into a husband bashing fest and getting really upset just drives a level of perceived inequality and resentment that's really bad for the partnership in the long term.