another birthday etiquette question-older children

[JustMe]

So, this is completely separate from my thread about ds' Chuck E Cheese party.

How do you feel about parties where the birthday child gets to do extra things/get extra stuff (other than gifts) that the invited children don't get to do. I ask because I am uncomfortable with that. An example is some if the CEC birthday packages where just the birthday child gets to go in the ticket blaster (or whatever its called), a balloon, etc. That is my general question.

I also have a specific question. So dd has an upcoming birthday, and she has just chosen a mall "shopping experience" for her party. I am allowing her to invite 3 friends. I will give each a certain amount of money, and they can buy things (I will ask parents about any limitations on things they don't want their child to buy). For her gifts from both my sister and I , dd has asked for cash or gcs. She mentioned she wanted to spend those during her party. I initially said no, she can do that another time, as its not fair for her to have more money than the kids she is invited...but what do you think? Is this true? It is her birthday.

And that got me thinking that one of the invitees might just come with some extra money and then I would have limited dd while her friend spends more. Any advice? I know this is not the typical party, but it is really the only thing dd wanted...and she's turning the big 10/double digits, so it seems appropriate to me.

[blisstwins]

I think it is OK for the birthday child to do a little extra, but the mall party seems very awkward to me. I would be very clear with the other parents that children would all be given whatever amount and that you prefer they not be sent with more to spend. I would not give my child more than that. Honestly, I don't think shopping lends itself to a party because this is all complicated.

[kali]

I generally don't have a problem with the birthday child getting a little special treatment. It's their birthday--isn't the point for them to feel special? I don't know what a ticket blaster is, but getting a balloon or getting to sit on a special chair or wearing a birthday kid t-shirt doesn't seem like a big deal. DS had a petting zoo-type party where they brought a whole bunch of reptiles over and they gave him a t-shirt and a snake skin.

That said, there's getting to feel special and there's lording it over their friends. I don't like opening gifts during parties because among other issues, it creates a dynamic where every kid has to sit there and watch birthday child reveal their big pile of loot.

I agree with you that your DD shouldn't spend her gift cards during the party. She can spend them another time. And I can't see anything wrong with letting the other families know that invitees should not bring extra money.

ETA: Blisstwins and I basically expressed the same thoughts, but she was much more articulate! I do think there might be a way to make the mall hangout party work. Hanging out at the mall was such a mainstay of my suburban tweendom that the idea seems kind of cute to me.

[redhookmom]

I think having a birthday party is a good lesson in being a host. As the host of a party you never want to indulge in something that your guest cannot.

As for gifts. I think it is good manners to open the gifts when they are given.

[JBaxter]

I have ( and have had) no issues with the birthday child getting a little extra it IS their special day. I've been to many CEC bday parties over the years an only the Bday child has gotten in the ticket blaster.

[Melaine]

It wouldn't bother me for your DD to spend some extra money. I would just monitor the situation and be sure she is not ignoring her friends in favor of spending her money. I think it's a fun idea for a party.

[TwinFoxes]

I don't know what a ticket blaster is, but I have been to parties where the birthday kid sat in a big chair for a bit, that sort of thing. It was cute.

I think the mall party sounds super fun for your DD, and a bit of a logistical nightmare for you! Ah, motherhood. :) I agree she shouldn't get to spend lots more than her friends. Then it's like they're forced to watch her shop...not as fun. It might be tricky to tell the parents not to send extra cash, but I think you should. If you know the moms I would just explain that you're trying to figure it out, and this seems like the best way to do it. If I were the other mom, I'd be fine with it.

[egoldber]

So they will be at the mall together? And basically shopping?

If it were *me* I would limit it to something like Claire's. I know that Claire's actually does parties (although I have not been to one). Or is that what you meant? In which case, I think each kid gets a Claire's gift card and they can basically spend it how they want in the store.

But in any case, I would limit her during the party to just what you give the other kids. She can always spend her own money another time.

[georgiegirl]

A little extra is fine. After all, you only have a birthday once a year. When we had DD's party at build-a-bear, I let her pick a more expensive animal but stuck to the same "clothing budget" as the rest of the kids.

[AnnieW625]

I think having a birthday party is a good lesson in being a host. As the host of a party you never want to indulge in something that your guest cannot.

As for gifts. I think it is good manners to open the gifts when they are given.

I agree with Bliss Twins and this. Even when I was older a mall party would have been a no no at my house, it just seems so complicated.

As far as the CEC ticket blaster I have only been to two CEC parties and they were for kids who were turning 3, one kid did it, and none of the kids noticed, and the other kid didn't do it. I think when you get older than 5 you might have an issue with some kids who don't get it, but honestly it wouldn't bother me.

[turtle12]

So they will be at the mall together? And basically shopping?

If it were *me* I would limit it to something like Claire's. I know that Claire's actually does parties (although I have not been to one). Or is that what you meant? In which case, I think each kid gets a Claire's gift card and they can basically spend it how they want in the store.

But in any case, I would limit her during the party to just what you give the other kids. She can always spend her own money another time.

I would do this too, simplifies things, less "money" for you to track and they can go to town in one store!

[JustMe]

Thanks for the responses everyone! Although there are some differing opinions (including opinions that are different than mine), this helped solidfy how I feel about things.

I do think its important for dd to continue to learn the role of host. I am going to have her save her other birthday money for another time (although I could see the birthday person getting a little something extra, she will be getting gifts-as its not a no gifts party-and she will probably opening them...that's plenty of "extra" as far as I am concerned.

I will include a note in the invitation asking the parent and child not to spend anything other than the amount I supply them with. I will ask them to save other shopping for other times. I think this will make for a nicer "shopping experience" for everyone. Of course, I can't really forbit anyone from doing this if they ignore the guidelines I set up, but I am hopeful that won't happen.

I am not going to limit the shopping to Claire's or any one store, but may limit it to about 3 stores. I appreciate everyone's thoughts on this, but dd is not a Claire's fan and that really leaves a handful on inexpensive stores at my mall. Part of what dd enjoys is looking at various stores, and since the amount I am giving each girl is by no means a lot, they will need to so some comparison shopping to find something they want. We are only inviting 3 other girls, plus my dd and ds. I feel confident I can handle whatever comes up...my only concern is that I originally wanted to be the weekend my sister will be here from out of town so she can help me (and join the "fun"). One of the girls dd really wants to invite cannot make it that weekend, so we may change it...so back to my only concern is that I was going to have my sister help ds out if he wants to go to a different part of the store, etc, but now I won't be able to do that....but it will work out.

thanks again for your input!