magnoliaparadise
01-15-2013, 05:18 AM
Hi,
Do you (would you) go to your friends' parents' funerals out of state?
My friend's mom died Sunday, sadly, and I am just so confused as to whether to go. I want to and feel I should, but wow, it would be really difficult.
The funeral is on Wednesday morning (Jewish burials take place within approx. 2 days, which is why it is so fast). Friend's parents and mine were very close to I grew up seeing friend a lot and traveling with her overseas once. We became friends of our own through young adulthood. We don't talk much or see each other much (she lives in CA and I live in NY), but I consider her a good friend. Her mom's death was not unexpected because of a long-term illness, but still a surprise that it happened now.
I am so torn.
It would be very difficult for me with my two young kids and no partner/father.
Funeral is in MA, so I could technically get there from NY, though difficult.
Because of the hour of the service (in the morning), I would have to leave in middle of night with DC2 (15 months old) and leave DC1 (almost 5) sleeping with a sitter. For different reasons, I can't go the night before and also need to keep DC1 at home.
I have no babysitters, so would have to mostly patch work friend's sitters and pay them. All friends work so I can't just leave her at a friends' house.
I don't have a car, but parents live in MA, so I would be ok car-wise once I got to MA.
Any advice would be so appreciated.
Why I would go:
- I want to be there for my friend. If a friend (me) doesn't show up for a friend in times like these, when would they?
-Friend's mother was a lovely, good person. I would be going for my friend, not for me, but like the idea of knowing that I did this out of respect for friend's mother, too.
- When my nephew died, my parents told their friends not to make the commute (also 5 hours). Some did anyway, and honestly, we were all floored and touched that they would do that. However, as my parents point out, their friends were retirees with time and no young kids to take care of, so in a bit different boat than me right now.
Why I would not go:
- huge hassle in terms of my kids - would basically mean leaving DC1 here and having 3 different babysitters through the day for her (she is in school, which is good). My DD1 has never slept without me (except when I gave birth to DD2) so being away from me would be pretty huge for her. In terms of DD2 (15 months), it would mean a 5-6 hour train ride (when you count getting to and from train) or 5 hour drive strapped in car seat (which she hates) and then a totally new stranger sitter in MA to take her for 2 hours while I went to the service. And she is at the peak of her stranger anxiety phase and hates being away from me everrrrrr.
- expensive - yes, I would move mountains and spend any amount of money to be there for my friend at a time like this, but maybe it would be better to use the money to visit her instead? I think it would cost me about $500, maybe a little more, given sitter fees and train tickets (or renting a car).
- not sure friend would really notice I was there. YES, she would see me and be very touched, I think, but... she has her immediate and extended family and is still in shock and we wouldn't get to talk much anyway.
- I could only stay for the 1.5-2 hour service so would not be there for much time anyway, which makes the hassle seem even more difficult. Everything is far away from each other so after the funeral service, there would be a one hour drive to the burial, and then after the burial, another hour hour drive back and then sitting shiva. It would just be too much time away from DD1 and also too much time for DD2 to be with stranger babysitter. So... I would leave after the 2 hour service and head back to NYC.
TIA for any advice. I guess I feel like it would be so difficult to do, yet I do feel like it is the right thing to do.
Do you (would you) go to your friends' parents' funerals out of state?
My friend's mom died Sunday, sadly, and I am just so confused as to whether to go. I want to and feel I should, but wow, it would be really difficult.
The funeral is on Wednesday morning (Jewish burials take place within approx. 2 days, which is why it is so fast). Friend's parents and mine were very close to I grew up seeing friend a lot and traveling with her overseas once. We became friends of our own through young adulthood. We don't talk much or see each other much (she lives in CA and I live in NY), but I consider her a good friend. Her mom's death was not unexpected because of a long-term illness, but still a surprise that it happened now.
I am so torn.
It would be very difficult for me with my two young kids and no partner/father.
Funeral is in MA, so I could technically get there from NY, though difficult.
Because of the hour of the service (in the morning), I would have to leave in middle of night with DC2 (15 months old) and leave DC1 (almost 5) sleeping with a sitter. For different reasons, I can't go the night before and also need to keep DC1 at home.
I have no babysitters, so would have to mostly patch work friend's sitters and pay them. All friends work so I can't just leave her at a friends' house.
I don't have a car, but parents live in MA, so I would be ok car-wise once I got to MA.
Any advice would be so appreciated.
Why I would go:
- I want to be there for my friend. If a friend (me) doesn't show up for a friend in times like these, when would they?
-Friend's mother was a lovely, good person. I would be going for my friend, not for me, but like the idea of knowing that I did this out of respect for friend's mother, too.
- When my nephew died, my parents told their friends not to make the commute (also 5 hours). Some did anyway, and honestly, we were all floored and touched that they would do that. However, as my parents point out, their friends were retirees with time and no young kids to take care of, so in a bit different boat than me right now.
Why I would not go:
- huge hassle in terms of my kids - would basically mean leaving DC1 here and having 3 different babysitters through the day for her (she is in school, which is good). My DD1 has never slept without me (except when I gave birth to DD2) so being away from me would be pretty huge for her. In terms of DD2 (15 months), it would mean a 5-6 hour train ride (when you count getting to and from train) or 5 hour drive strapped in car seat (which she hates) and then a totally new stranger sitter in MA to take her for 2 hours while I went to the service. And she is at the peak of her stranger anxiety phase and hates being away from me everrrrrr.
- expensive - yes, I would move mountains and spend any amount of money to be there for my friend at a time like this, but maybe it would be better to use the money to visit her instead? I think it would cost me about $500, maybe a little more, given sitter fees and train tickets (or renting a car).
- not sure friend would really notice I was there. YES, she would see me and be very touched, I think, but... she has her immediate and extended family and is still in shock and we wouldn't get to talk much anyway.
- I could only stay for the 1.5-2 hour service so would not be there for much time anyway, which makes the hassle seem even more difficult. Everything is far away from each other so after the funeral service, there would be a one hour drive to the burial, and then after the burial, another hour hour drive back and then sitting shiva. It would just be too much time away from DD1 and also too much time for DD2 to be with stranger babysitter. So... I would leave after the 2 hour service and head back to NYC.
TIA for any advice. I guess I feel like it would be so difficult to do, yet I do feel like it is the right thing to do.